Swimming in the river
I try to secure my belongings
My identity and my dreams
So close...almost within reach
Then I feel my legs pulling me back
A rope has caught my foot
My belongings are getting further and further away
I pray that the river would stop flowing
But it kept flowing...and it kept flowing
Now I can't see my belongings
The rope still has my foot

I got stuff I need to do;
Typical productive stuff;
Gym, little projects, cleaning, whatever;
'But' I can't;

It's almost a full year since I lost you;
I mean we talked in the middle of that period sure but you weren't there;
Not the 'you' that I wanted anyway;

sigh
I gotta keep playing games and watch movies to keep my mind busy;
Freakin mind accepts those things as distractions but not the more productive stuff;
Who the heck designed my mind?;
I want a refund;

I did try...honestly I did;
I tried to be productive for a week;
You invaded my mind and kept replaying the worst moments over and over and over again;
I ended up not eating for over 48 hours...and I'm going on 49 right around now;
Haha;

I miss you;
I don't want to;
I hate you;
But I need you;
Others will say I don't actually need you...that includes my mind;

A 'need' is something you have to have in your life otherwise you'll die, right?;
Water, food, shelter, socializing - those are what you need, right?;
Well I dunno...cause it feels like I'm dying pretty slow;

It's like being unhappy with you is better than where I am now....crazy;
Maaaaan....I don't wanna die because of you;
That would really ****;

My consciousness flickers;
My eyes open and I see I'm still here;
Alive and breathing;

I brace myself for the onslaught;
The memories come;
They're always ready to greet me when I wake;

They whisper to me;
Ah...I lost her, didn't I.
They cling onto me;
Ah...I feel so heavy now;
They put their hands around my neck;
Ah...it's hard to breathe now;

I close my eyes and appeal to my consciousness;
"Die. There's no point to this."
My consciousness fades slowly;
The memories release their hold on me;

Maybe when I wake up again, the memories won't be there anymore.