Today for the first time in quite awhile,
upon my face grew a genuine smile.

It wasn't fabricated, it was honest and true
and when reality hit me I was left feeling blue.

I was so surprised, it was hard to even speak.
How long had it been? A month or a week?

My smile had faded as quickly as it grew,
but I know it'll be back the next time I think of you.

It sounds ridiculous but only I feel productive when I'm doing nothing.
Sitting back, just relaxing.
Popping blue beans, burning bowls of green.
And just thinking.
Daydreaming about how things could have been.
How things could still be.
But how things will probably be.
Just close your eyes and let music be your guide.

Entire lives constructed and played out
in grand fashion. A world so detailed
I would rather get lost,
And never come back to this travesty of a society,
so raw and primal.
so human.
My world is so beautiful and yet so depressing
because it's what ours could be, but never will become.
Anything to distract me from this.
The 24 year old burnout grinding through school because there aren't many options left.
So where will I'll be in 5 years?
I wont.

Like a thousand nights before I'll sit here
with music in my ears.
Thinking of you, what could have been...
What should have been?
No, if it should've than it would've but it wasn't, so **** it.
But I can pretend.
I can imagine,
I can dream.  
My thoughts drift away and suddenly I'm someone else
in a land far away, living a different life.
Slowly events unfold of stories untold
and I'm lost living a life inside.
Behind my eyes I've lived hundreds of lives
with no one to judge me but myself.
Yet you're here to make another appearance.
No matter how far I run,
I just can't get away.
So, here we are again.

I can fake my identity and try to look happy,
but its all just a cover.
Take a swig from the flask and remove the last mask
only to find another.

There was once a time when I knew myself,
but now I'm not so sure.
All semblance of self-worth lay eroding in the dirt,
and its all thanks to her.

It's not really her fault, I'm truly to blame.
I grew selfish out of fear.
Afraid of being alone, I couldn't let her go
and now she's nowhere near.

So many thoughts feelings expressions emotions
locked behind deadpan eyes and a voice that's toneless.
A mountain of a person consolidated to this form.
A body unimpressive.
A face unexpressive.
The chaos upstairs requires all of my attention.

Conversing takes a back-seat which is why I seem distant.
Too many things to say only leaves me in silence.
I don't know how or where to begin.
If only I could let you inside to weather the storm
maybe you could make sense of this nonsense and bring me to port.

Lay perfectly still
and wait until the bass makes your face vibrate.
Mindfolds on in perfect darkness
feel the music start to bring you solace.
Body goes numb and with it the mind
sleep paralysis sets in try not to fight it.

Hallucinations so vivid,
a reality so lucid.
Let it overwhelm you or run the risk of losing it.
Get lost in a dream of your own design
carefully constructed behind your eyes.
Its a tall task if you want to build your own city,
Or feel the emptiness of space and experience infinity.

Wake up at noon and back to bed by five.
Knuckles bloodied and sore to remind me I'm alive.
Hop in the car and start the long drive.
Destination irrelevant just need a clear mind.
Windows down, music loud, cherry burning bright.
Take a deep breath,
and watch the sun set,
as another day goes by.

I feel so out-of-touch and small talk seems out of reach.
Are my thoughts worth airing? Maybe its better to not speak.
See, lately I've been thinking. More so than usual.
And its come to my attention that my attention is unusual.
I can't believe it took me this long to realize
just how egocentric I can be.
A fourth of my life is gone and its always been about me.
I know and acknowledge that you're a person too
but something has changed and I feel like I can't talk to you.

Where once it was effortless, now conversing is difficult.
Instead of truly listening I'm preparing my rebuttals.
It isn't that I don't care.
It isn't that I'm disinterested.
But it feels like my volume knobs got ****** up and I can barely listen.
Why is my head louder than reality?
It's exhausting to focus on anyone but me.
Truly a self-serving, self-centered friend I am.
Sorry.

With each passing week the world gets heavier.
Knees start to buckle underneath all the pressure.
Lost in crazy thoughts of death and self-destruction.
Only here out of a sense of guilt and obligation
to my family.
Because they deserve to be happy,
and they deserve better.
And the last time I tried I couldn't pull the ******* trigger.
Coward.
I can't allow myself to leave my parents mourning
and so I sit and wait while the sand keeps on pouring.
I'm just turning pages until I finish the last chapter of this story.

Bow the **** down, get on your knees.
Pray for mercy, it's the reckoning.

The blackness is coming, its rolling in fast.
A torrential **** storm, my hate on full blast.
You've really done it now, time to reap what you've sown.
This is what happens when you leave me alone
to stir
and fester
giving me time to perfect my anger
towards you.

Look at your creation,
a ******* abomination.

There is a dip at the center of my mattress
from night after night of sleeping alone,
gravity, like the weight of loneliness,
has made it sink down.
If the day ever comes that I share my bed with another,
the dip in the middle will bring us closer together while we sleep.
As if I had to endure all the lonely nights just to sleep so close to someone.
I’ll keep waiting for that day,
and the longer I wait, the lower the dip gets.
Maybe one day I’ll find someone to share the dip in my mattress with.

Or maybe I should just flip my mattress.

Sing your praises on high
to long since deafened ears.

Build monuments to your sins
of all the bloodshed and tears.

From cultures wiped out
on your righteous crusades.

Just like the Druids
your religions will fade.

There are no gods to save you,
no one to hear your pleas.

So unclasp your hands,
get off your knees.

People need saving
yet we sit idly by.

Whispering to the clouds,
waiting to die.

Another Monday comes and goes
and with it brings a new set of woes.
More ******* assignments
and papers to write
about **** that I don't care about
but I'm forced to try.

Got my graded calc test
I scored a 68.
Because I don't care about your curves
or if the line is straight.
Teach me something useful
like how to be an adult.
Don't fill my head with nonsense
That I'll never use at all.

College is a joke.
Such a cleverly crafted scheme.
To get us to throw money at them
because we "need them to succeed."
But I grow tired of the *******
and I'm sick of your games.
Just give me my degree,
and I'll be on my way.

You told me goodbye and showed me the door.
I'd walk forever if you'd love me once more.

I'm not a man of words
and I could never quite say
just how special you were
or how much you meant to me.

So I'll start my journey to nowhere
and I'll start it right here.
I'll walk to the ends of eternity
and hope I see you there.

These words just come into my head
and flow out through my fingertips.
I'm struggling to write it all down
in between these **** rips.
Like waves crashing
it's overwhelming.
And when your head is full
it feels like drowning.
So pass it around
and come join me in the clouds.
Get a bird's eye view
on the storm, looking down.
The thicker the clouds, the clearer the mind.
Just make sure to open your eyes
Look all around you and take it all in.
Because it isn't too long before you're drowning again.

If only this parking garage
was just a bit taller.
And if the ground below
was just a bit harder.

Maybe then I could make an impact.

You moved away,
you thought you were safe.
Don't fear the reaper,
'cuz I took his place.

I'm not afraid of dying.
Rather I find it annoying.
Because I need know what civilizations will be like in thousands of years
but I have no way of knowing.

The end of existence is much like before.
The quiet, peaceful-nothingness.
We are all heading towards.

This is the reality to which I'm confined.
A consciousness limited in body and mind.

You were so young when you died.
I didn't see it coming.
You would just sit there resting,
quietly humming.

I remember the good times;
the movies we'd watch,
the television shows,
my secrets that you kept
from being exposed.

But now that you're gone you've left me in fits.
Now resting in pieces,
because I smashed you to bits.

R.I.P External HDD (2010-2016)

I stepped outside for a breath of fresh air.
Lit the cigarette, and just stood there.
The snow was falling,
the wind was blowing.
Off in the distance the sound of a train.
Just another morning in plain old Fort Wayne.

But the bitter bit back and took my breath away.
And something came over me in my nicotine haze.
I felt so real, yet so far away.
Like I was in another world,
some other place.

Then my breath came back
bringing me back with it.
A little disappointed, but slightly uplifted.
Close my eyes and feel the wind
and wait for it to take my breath again.

Your words ring out leaving me confused.
Fulfilling my dreams and hope anew.
But the same lie a million times,
can never be true.

It slips through the cracks of your perfect smile.
Caressing my ears to the sound of denial.
Weeding its way inside my mind.
Plucking my heartstings to the rhythm of lies.

So swallow your words while I choke on formalities.
While you’re ******* lies, I’m drowning in reality.
The waves are crushing, dragging me under.
Your betrayal; the storm and the roaring thunder.

They’re calling me home.

I’m falling apart at the seams,
Trying to keep you out of my dreams.
Every night I see your face,
A perfect image of my shame.
A time in my life where I went so wrong.
I’ve moved on I just want you gone.

The memories come flooding in,
from a place in my mind that I thought was dead.
Who is that man pretending to be me?
Was I really that awful?
I’m so sorry.

Don't call it a relapse.
Because I'm just getting started.
This next bowl of green goes out to all the brokenhearted.
I've been where you are
staring into the abyss.
Anything to fill the void
Always looking for the scripts.
I take a yellow for the blues
it'll kick in soon.

Feel the pain just fade away
and leave my mind in a haze.
This has become my every day.
I wish you all could feel this way.

It's such a strange feeling.
I wake up and I feel I'm already dead.
I struggle through the monotony of each day
remembering what it felt like to be alive.

The world passes me by
but I take little notice.
There is nothing of interest happening here.
I catch glimpses of what I think is you,
it never is.

I feel like I'm already buried.
The weight of loss crushing me.
I can't wait to sleep again.

I close my eyes
because in my dreams I know I'm still alive.
And so are you.

A lack of motivation
No will to succeed.
I've come to a crossroads
but it's direction I need.
Which path do you take when they all seem the same?
Long winding roads fraught with sadness and pain.
Maybe stay the course and ignore the budget
because clear minds cause cloudy judgement.
Or I could put it all down and try to go clean
but then I'm stuck in my own skin forced to be me.
Synapses shooting signals constantly causing my anxiety.
I'm unstable on the edge so please tread lightly.
Because I don't know who's in charge at any given moment.
Voices in my head always screaming to get violent.
The reptile is running wild, he can't be contained.
I'm just the meat puppet while hes pulling on my strings.
Listen to your thoughts conflicting.
Realize that somethings missing.
Fall victim to the instincts that once kept you alive.
My greatest adversary is locked inside.

I look up at the evening sky and it nearly brings me to tears.
I feel so small in the grand scheme. I could live to be maybe what?
100 years?
This insignificance is my reality.

I feel so small in a world so big,
in a universe unfathomable
and I don't know what to do about it.

I was told to write to help me understand
that the emotions I'm feeling aren't out of my hands.
But now the greens all gone
from both my wallet and my lungs.
And without crutches left
I have no legs to stand on.
I've been sitting here in silence
waiting for anyone,
to see who'll start a conversation
instead of responding to one.

Its been a few months so its time to take stock
of where I am currently in my life-story's plot.
I'm at a place now where I'm staring to care
about politics, my appearance, and a lack of relationships.
Which is all new to me,
moving forward from a place of complete complacency.
A former strange acceptance of being alone.
No desire for interactions outside of my home.
Once committed to the idea that being single is ideal.
The foundations of which have started to crack and reveal
my own insecurities.
A lack of belief in myself.
Such poor self-esteem really affected my health.
But now its important to me to make new friends.
Even though its a new anxiety to cloud up my head.

I've been fighting addiction left right and center
and staving off urges to pop one and feel better.
If I could get my hands on it, it'd all be over.
Because anything is better than sitting here sober
dealing with an existential crisis, day after day.
Your own mental prison is difficult to escape.
I need an accomplice to help me break free.
But when you're a recluse that isn't a possibility.

And what is this inkling of vanity I feel?
I don't have to look at me so what's the big deal?
I've never been the type to try and impress
those that are shallow and judge how I dress
or my ****** hair choices.
I just want a beard.
But now I'm self conscious about how I appear.

Trim the beard to look less homeless.
Put on jeans so I don't look grotesque.
A whole new level of **** to fret about.
Acting my age really stresses me out.

Take a rip and pass it around
Because you know what's up
when this **** goes down.

They call me an *******.
But what's wrong with wanting to be the king of the castle?
So when I step into my zone
you better not get caught.
Because you know nothing
of the battles I've fought.
Blood and tears spilled over the years.
Scars.
Stitches.
Burning bridges.
All the result
of wrong decisions.

So take a rip and pass it around.
because it picks me up,
when I'm feeling down.

A roaring tide wax and wane
Sun eternal set and rise
Gazing upward find your place
All of time across the sky

Lost amongst the starry sea
Always searching ceaseless watch
Wish for purpose endlessly
Open mind abandon thought

Always searching for something
Into despair don't succumb
You are a being so small
The universe colossal
Yet look how far you have come

Break off from the pack,
Away from those who’ll seek to hold you back.
Put it all on the line
A life lived without risks
is not a life of mine.

Sever the ties.
Forget your past.
All the times you tried
but you failed so hard.
Give it all you got,
that’s why you have a heart.

Don’t run with the wolves.
Just be your own man.
Just do better as best you can.
You’ll live, you’ll breathe, you’ll die, you’re ******.
Your sand is running out.
Your ******* time is up.

We’re wasting the only chance that we will ever get.
When death comes, he’ll find me living a life of no regrets.

I need something to give my mind a focus
and thus I write this nonsense.
These so called poems
with a hint of rant
and a bit of banter.
Smothered in self-sorrow.
Oh, woe is me.
So when the waves start crashing
I start typing.
The content can't be helped.
I just sit back and relax
let the keys click and clack
And focus.

Dawn is coming so we better start running.
With the sun fast rising our problems start flooding back to us.
Pound your feet and stay off the streets,
or they will find you again.

We’ll chase these nights where we live without shame.
Light floods from the sun, we’re under the gun.
And it shines on our imperfections.

It’s always easier to run from your problems,
if you could only keep running.
Closing in, you’ll never win.
If you could only keep running…

It’s welling up, it’s closing in.
I’ve waited for the end since this all began.
Like the petal of a rose decomposing in the dirt.
my sanity has withered into nothing but hurt.

A distant memory that I’ve driven away,
how long will I last before I give up and say
"**** it I’m done. Today’s the day
that I’m done with this ****. I’m going away
and not coming back. My new home’s the grave.”
I can only imagine its coming up fast.
My world is collapsing, this isn’t going to last.

Maybe I’ll say my goodbyes and wish everyone well
and tell everybody I’ll see them in hell.
But that **** isn’t real, death is only the black.
A dreamless sleep from which you never come back.
I’ll open my arms and greet it with relief.
The blackness will welcome me, and I’ll finally know peace.

Clear your thoughts
like a break in the clouds.
Memories float by
until you’re left with nothing
but an open sky,
a star to wish upon,
a constellation to recall,
and the blackness to remind us
we are all so very small.

I was gonna write something to say what a blessing you were
But our friendship cant be summed up by these meaningless words.
Emotions are hollow, expressions are empty, now that you’re gone.
So I’ll force a smile onto my face and try to move on.

Freezing rain pours down and it chills me to my bones.
A ******, cloudy day, perfect for a funeral.
Burying the best part of me, six feet under ground.
I’ll always carry your memory even after we’ve lowered you down.

Will you put in a good word for me?
Tell the big man upstairs that I’m so sorry
for not being perfect, not that I really tried.
I’ll see you again, but for now
I guess this is goodbye.

I've been called a nihilist.
And I've been called cynical,
and from the outside looking in,
my problems may seem trivial.

But inside the storm is raging,
emotions are flaring.
Maybe I'm overboard.

Waters are churning,
tossing and turning.
I'm overboard.

So the next time you cast your stones,
forgetting about introspection,
just know that happiness isn't simply defined
except by our own perceptions.

Oh no.
Is it back?
Could this be?
The fingers flying
Clicking clacking
Bach on the keys
Streams of thought are hard to maintain.
Just lie back and let it take you away.

The boom boom kick.
Rhythm to my heart.
I should probably do some cardio
if I plan on living long.

Twenty October, 2015.
The day we go dark and cease existing.
No I don't mean we as in you,
but more as in me.
An inside joke taken a bit too seriously.
But I'm wary and my instincts tell me prepare
to say goodbye to everyone
because the end is near.
Absurd paranoia and yet I can't avoid it.
Or turn off the nihilism.
Everything seems pointless.

Four ****** down washed away with beer.
I can no longer live a life lead by fear.
Constant stress of just being awake,
when all I ever wanted was to just get away.
To start my life over, but it’s not that easy
when the mask you once donned has sunk its teeth in.

The walls I built around me to keep myself safe
have become this new fortress from which I can’t escape.
The sigil of the heart I once wore on my sleeve
has long since faded into a jaded, new me.
How foolish I was to think I could go back
to the person I was before I donned the mask.

I’m afraid I’ll do something I regret.
Like go AWOL, or just end up dead.
I try to hold on but the memories are fleeting
now all that I hear is my subconscious screaming
piercing my thoughts, no hope for peace
now all that I seek is some form of release.
A light pole at 80, just another crash.
Or the squeeze of a trigger for my brain to catch.

I’m tired of not seeing a reason
to see this life through yet another season.
Everyone dies, that fact remains true.
you may be happy living
but I’m not you.

Headphones.
Always something
bumping loudly
Because I hate the sound
of myself breathing.

Nothing to do with living or dying
every time I say I quit, turns out I'm lying.

Smoke a pack a day.
And add some green in.
My breaths grow more shallow
because I've gone off the deep end.

Everyone has something buried deep
internal struggles, personal flaws.
I hide mine behind smoke screens and walls.
I rarely leave, I'm a somber loner.
Its much preferred to feeling sober.

I can't stay outta my own head.
Paths for conversations we'll never have
meticulously planned out.
What will you say next?
How do I express an accurate reaction,
when I feel I have very little capacity?

People just aren't my forte .
Social skills lacking
Banter always feels like *******.
Neither person honestly caring for what is said in passing.
Just an exchange of pleasantries
Or perhaps its genuine.
Perhaps its just me.

I had a thought
of fleeting bliss.
And then it was gone.
How fast I move on
to the next nonsensical,
possibly subliminal,
though more like subconscious,
train of thought.
Try clearing your mind,
you'll find it hard.
But once you get there
you find true reward.