She told me I'm pretty,
Enough so to be on tv.
I couldn't help but laugh at that;
It felt good to know what she sees,
But it doesn't mean a thing.
Easy to see she's just a lying ***,
So why should I trust what she says?
She just knows what she needs to show
To get me weak,
To get me to stay,
To try to build me up,
So she can break me away.
I don't even know her like that,
And no way I want her to stick around.
But it was still nice to hear her say it,
Not used to that kind of sound.
So I can pretend that she was honest,
And that it wasn't just some lie,
But it's hard to fool myself,
So why even try?

For what it's worth,
You were always my favorite mistake.

Call me by my name while I fight this hold of shame.
It's a wave that crashes over, way above my head and shoulders.
Keep hinting at how you feel, still your poor heart I won't steal.
Couldn't bring myself to destroy, one of such a sweet boy.
Don't throw your life away, cause I'm not here to stay.
Don't think I'm yours to miss, it was simply just a kiss.
I warned you of my demon, you heard every possible reason.
Yet you still pursued, and now you feel used.
When really I did it all for you, for I never wanted to.

It's a shame to see someone reach a moment when everything is so overwhelming that they'd prefer to cease their breathing  than to feel it for another second.

It's even worse to understand that the only time you actually see it is after a blade or a bottle of pills; or maybe a gun or some rope.

You only know it when you read the scrawled out goodbyes of the quiet girl who seemed to have everything right in life.
But still you never truly know.
You never truly feel her pain.

This is for the ones who couldn't make it.
For the ones who had it hard and couldn't push on.
Those who fought with everything they had until there was nothing left.
The ones who felt they were never good enough, or that no one cared.
And for the ones who were never given a chance.

I'm sorry for the hate you endured, the pain you felt, and the people who didn't see. Or those who chose not to.

I'm sorry for the moments when all that was holding you back was a song, or a band, instead of a loving hand.

I'm sorry we couldn't be there.
You are not forgotten.

I'm so sick of being seen as someone I'm not.
Why judge by my past when the present has me changed beyond belief?
Don't hold me to my previous actions while I fight to move on myself.
You weren't there for the journey, so don't look down as though I'm below you.
I didn't see you when I was slipping; where were you while I was falling?
And now that I'm standing, you deem it okay to throw stones?
Well go ahead.
Because while you've been playing with pebbles, I've been facing mountains.
And I'm more ready today than I've ever been in my whole life.

My heart is damaged
Laying in a body that's been misused a few too many times;
Something even sleep can't recover.
Yet that sounds pretty good at the moment.
But the problem with that comes from the moment I slip out of consciousness,
For then I wish to never return.
And am disappointed to realize that in the morning, I have.

I just want to ride,
Far or near,
By your side,
And away from here.

Driving to nowhere,
In our own sweet time;
Arriving to unknown somewheres,
With your hand in mine.

We'll forget the rest of our town,
While we go into the stars.
After we watch the sun go down,
From the hood of your car.

With that crisp summer air,
And your face shining in the light,
Not a worry or care,
Our old lives out of sight.

It ****** me off that no matter how over you I am,
   I still get that flipping feeling in my stomach
       every time we make eye contact.
                             *******.
It's not like I want you back or anything. I don't
    even LIKE you. So what is it then? Lust?
In all honesty, I don't want you in my life at all.
    You're not good for me. Deceiving little siren.
I loved that moment when you realized I'm
     no longer under your spell. I'm free from your
         binding hands and false promises.
                             Free at last
                            *Free at last

All it takes is a moment,
And all my happiness can fall into despair.
In just a split second,
I can go from having the best day ever,
To just another day of the week.
Equally though,
I can slip from an anxiety attack,
Straight into euphoric insanity.
But it isn't all causeless.
Yet the effects shouldn't be of such a great intensity.
It's like my emotions are hyped up on steroids,
And I can't keep them stable for long,
Before they return to this up and down,
Roller coaster ride called my life.

I've never been great at writing in a happy tone;
In a world this crazy how could anyone?
But with these bittersweet memories refreshed in my mind,
I can't help but to smile looking back over the road that brought me here.
Most people, when asked about the most life-changing thing they've been through
Are unsure of an answer.
But I can honestly say that I know mine
It shaped my character, helped me understand reality, and truly see the people and world surrounding.
It's funny to look back to the times where I felt like quitting,
All the moments of anxiety and frustration were all worth it.
Because now all I want is to be back where I was,
With those who grew to be a huge part of my life;
My family.

Another one of those nights..
Surrounded by darkness in an attempt to hide from reality.
Blasted music to cover painful memories.
Just another night where music saves my life.
While the pain is no longer caused physically
There's nothing to stop my thoughts from taking control.
I'm dying inside, drowning in open water;
The music's the only thing keeping me afloat.
So as I lay here in the dark
With the volume increasing slowly,
Don't assume I don't care.
If I didn't, I wouldn't still be fighting the current.

Anger flows freely as the blood in my veins,
The only thing that remains constant in this life of mine.
But it hurts,
And it's a struggle every day.
When every emotion falls back into flames of anger,
Those standing on the side end up getting burned.
The ones I love,
The ones I'm supposed to care for unconditionally,
Only strangers when I lose control.
I have the will to fight on my own;
Letting people in never worked well anyways.
Not when the world is this corrupted.
Trust is for those who haven't been deceived,
Love is for those who can keep their cool
And living is for those who aren't already dead.

No words,
Could express my gratitude for you.
No monetary amount,
Could pay you back for what you've done for me.
I couldn't even imagine what my life would be like right now,
Without having had you there.
I started as a stupid freshman,
With no ambitions or plans for college,
Now I'm a junior and have high hopes and plans for my future.
I still can't believe you're over;
A tragic government cut, above our control.
I guess that's just the way the world works sometimes.
But even now,
When you're no longer able to go on
You continue giving,
To myself and everyone you've touched,
Even though we took you for granted for so long.
I'd always thought that you didn't matter to me,
So much as you truly did, and do.
You gave me so much opportunity,
New friends
A new mindset
And an entirely new outlook on the world.
You've honestly saved my life.
And for that I am eternally grateful.

Ever wonder what someone's sadness feels like?
Ever really see that there's a huge difference between theirs and your own?
What you understand as depression, may only be a blue day for another.
I suppose that's why we can't relate to all poetry,
Or truly understand much of it,
To its cold point.

How can we be predispositioned in good,
While surrounded by so much evil?
Call it human nature;
No such thing as corruption,
Instead it's all about purification.
Daily struggles, testing our patience and ability to remain on a steady path.
Each successful decision resulting in a step closer to personal sublimation.

So what if dreams are reality,
And reality is just the dream?
Who's to say life is what it seems,
And that dreams are only mental representations of our inner desires?
Life's a withdrawal and dreams are the drugs that stop it,
Yet equally prolong it.
Then you wake up again.

You should know,
That every time I see you talking about him,
Or see a picture of you kissing him,
I get frustrated.
Because I know who you really are;
You do too.
And I know you love me.

No one else knows about us,
Not the way we really are,
Not the true emotion behind it all.
We're our own kind of crazy,
Because you won't admit the truth to anyone,
Except for me.

So when you're kissing him,
I just hope you can feel the difference.
Because if I recall correctly,
Before that night we spent together,
You claimed you'd never felt more like yourself,
More alive.

I made you see who you really are,
And I know that scared you more than ever.
But I still just don't understand,
Why you keep trying to change,
Complaining every time he hurts you,
Because it's always the same.

Yet you know I'd never hurt you.
You know I'm different than any 'him' you've ever had.
But you keep making the same mistake.
I'm not saying I'm perfect, or even right for you.
But if you really want things to change,
Stop fighting yourself and accept it:
You're in love with a girl.

I'm done with nonsense,
Done with sweating over pointlessness;
Turning a small nothing
into a crazed something.
Done caring for the material things,
And instead truly living for the little moments;
The little details that make a moment special.
Like the rain against our backs,
As we spill hidden truths,
Echoing against wind's resistance,
Into the darkness.
And at that moment we're invincible;
Nothing can touch us,
And everything makes sense.
For once we understand each other,
While discussing our inability to understand the world around us.
But it's all okay.
Because for that moment in time,
Nothing else matters.

A small child
Only 6 or so,
Runs inside from a long day's play.
So young and full of energy.
Shouldn't have a care in the world,
Except for the specks of mud on the floor,
Left by his own foot.
His father, a large and logical man,
Raised the boy right;
Manners and all in tact.
Yet when he walks into the kitchen,
While the boy is at the kitchen sink, washing his little hands,
He sees the mud.
And the boy sees him,
Smiles up at him with his missing-tooth smile,
But the dad doesn't see;
He only sees mud.
He storms over in two strides,
Grabs the boy by the collar and drags him to the spot on the floor.
The boys heart is racing,
A mile a minute.
Never seen his father so terrifying,
So horrifying;
Until a moment later.
As his grip released him, he fell to the floor.
He wasn't hurt then,
But he would be,
As his father's fists raised and fell upon his small body.
Impossible not to feel the bruises already beginning to form below his immature skin.
"Stop it! Why would you do that?" My mind screams at the man not worthy of being even called a father,
and for the boy as he crawls away into the next room and collapses at the foot of the stairs in tears.
"How could you do that to him?! He doesn't understand! He's just a little kid! He doesn't understand.."
My heart and mind scream together,
lined with hatred, through sobs of tears.
And then I see his future:
Self hatred.
Yeah he'll go far in school, he's a smart kid, but his emotional damage is irreversible.
Quiet because he forgot how to talk,
Never smiling because he knows what people are capable of.
He sees the world in a negative light, but it's his reality.
No trust, no love,
Just alone with his thoughts.
And that's when he's finally safe.

Worst mood ever and I can't write.
I wake up into this weight on my chest
And thinking of everything I've done that I regret
Wishing I'd just be dead
I'm weird, crazy, illogical, ******
Why does everything always go the same?
It's just like my shot putting
I know what I'm SUPPOSED to do
But for some reason I just can't.
I'm sick of how I am
I really am
And I can't sleep when I'm sick with regret.
I don't understand myself
And why I can't just be normal
Have normal friends
Do normal things.
Instead I'm socially awkward
An angry individual.
And I just wish it was over.
I don't know why.
I know what I have is good
So why am I complaining?
People make me angry
I think I just need to remember that no one is perfect
Nothing works the way it 'should'
Little things set me off
Nothing calms me down but time
Occasionally.
Sometimes time just gives everything a chance to boil
Boil over until I snap
Until I lose it
I'm seriously sick of people
I used to be able to at least hold a conversation
Now I can even do that much
I can't even write right.

Tempting desires,
Potential relapses,
Have this amazing ring;
They sound so good.
The pain is so enticing,
It keeps pulling me in closer,
To feeling alive;
I'm finally sure I am.
By a cut through the haze of daily life
And through a part of thin skin
Yeah I'm masochistic;
More like addicted to pain.
One way or another
Inflicted by you
Or by my own hands.
It's been so long
And healed scars don't show anymore.
The stories they hold now buried into nothing.
My stories
My life
Faded and I can no longer remember
The road I took to get here.

Cold metal
On cold skin.
A cold heart
And a dead mind.
Black and white,
Shades of grey,
There's a dire need for a bit of color.
A twitch of the wrist,
The path of a blade,
Releases the pain,
The hatred and distress,
And finally lets some color back in.

What do you do when your heart tells you one thing,
And your head another?
When you're aware of the cold hard facts
But your emotions disagree.
I know how she makes me feel
In either situation
Back and forth with pain and joy
It's enough to give you whiplash.
I've seen how she can be
Sweeter than most and in need of someone who really cares
But I've witnessed her true colors as well
Conniving lies and all.
So when it comes down to it, who do you really believe in,
The one you want to,
or the one you know best?

Take me as I am
Or take yourself away.
I'm sick of all your lies
And all your little games.
I'm seeing just how crazy it is,
That I haven't realized this before;
How much you play, and how fake you are.
If I had, I'd have never opened my door.

Trying to justify yourself
By turning things back on me.
But I no longer feel sorry for
The ***** you turned out to be.
Get mad because I 'ignored' you,
When you tried to fake a smile.
Sorry I didn't expect that one,
Haven't seen it in a while.

So now you turn your head away from me
When I tried to catch your eye.
To acknowledge you as you wanted
Intent turned from a sorry to just goodbye.
But if that's really what you wanted,
To walk away alone.
You could've just been honest
And I'd have let you go.

Instead you decided to hurt me more
Pulling me further through this hell.
The burning flames of liking you
Consumed me as I fell.
And you just stood there and watched
Beckoning me farther on that track.
And as soon as I was close enough
You changed your mind and stepped back

Away into the night
A lost soul wanders alone.
Guided on her path
By the sweet glow of the moon.
Pretty girl, so fragile in the dark
Bravely makes her way forward;
On a mission to find her heart.
The air is cold,
Spring has yet to come.
Her bare feet meet the ground below,
As she and the world become one.
Time is nonexistent,
In this world of little light.
As if everything has stopped,
And for once, it's all alright.
What she seeks,
She will soon come to find.
As she approaches the river,
She sees her body in water's bind.
Now this comes to little surprise,
and it strikes no sense of fear,
Because now she is nonexistent.
At rest, forever here.

Twisted thoughts
In a demented reality
Everything that's 'normal'
Holds to a sick analogy.
A happy thought to some
Is much different in here;
An ambiguous picture
Turns to that of pain and fear.
It's as though no one can get in
As can nothing find a way out.
Words cannot explain
All the things it thinks about.
So call it what you want
And curse it as you may
But just keep in mind
This predator always catches its prey.

All the ******* and all the lies
I dare you to take a look inside.
Behind the cracked armor
I'm really a broken soldier.
Those who were your friends,
Your brothers and sisters
Were really enemies with secret identities
Those who you chose to trust
Stabbed you blindly in the back.
And tonight they're everything
Everywhere
In the nightmares
In the memories
I never thought it would be so hard.
And now I'm addicted.
I need it just as much as they needed me
As much as I need them.
And it's this pain and anguish
That will finally help me get over you.

Stepping back into my life;
You know as well as I do,
That it's a dangerous move.

Don't play with my head,
Its true, I've began to lower my walls again,
But I can also get hurt once more, greater than I've been.

Everyone deserves a second chance,
But I give it to you in caution;
I can't turn back, on all the progress I've gotten.

So my mind will do it's best,
To make sure my heart stays in line,
And doesn't cross these boundaries, laid so fine.

I question myself,
And question your intent,
Hoping that my next decision doesn't end in regret.

So good luck,
I truly wish you well,
Because this time, I won't be the one who fell.

Go ahead,
Hide behind some makeup and fake smiles
Make some new 'friends' and have some fun
But don't try to lie to the ones that know you best.
The ones who have been here from the start.

Let your fake smile speak fake words
Fake sympathies followed by true deceptions
Whether you mean it or not, you still say what you do.
Don't expect them not to find out.
Fool them once, shame on you.
Try to fool them when they know the truth better than you, and you become the fool.

Fine, don't care.
Throw your life away.
But when you get stuck,
And all your 'friends' have disappeared,
Don't act like you care after throwing us aside like trash.
Don't try to come back.

Chance after chance we gave you,
And we've gotten tired of waiting.

They say love can conquer any battle
Strong as fire,
Clear as ice,
Nothing can destroy it so easily.
Because true love holds on despite conflict,
Despite any belief in its hopelessness.
But I don't believe in love.
Not when the best example
Has fallen apart right in front of me.
When the fight becomes too much,
When the fire spreads too far,
There's nothing you can do.
When harsh reality decides to show up at your door,
Demanding its entrance.
And you have no choice but to give in
It's beyond our control.
It's beyond understanding.
So 'love' is only temporary
Only there until the flame burns out,
And then it's dead.

I'll keep you safe
From the things that I can.
But you can't hide from hate.
Or from deception.
I hope you'll be ready
When you see the world isn't good
Learning the hard way just how things really work.
How you're fate is in your own hands
That others don't decide who you are, only you can.
Stay on the good path.
Find your way to happiness.
I may not always be here for you
But I try when I can, to help you prepare for the truth
That everyone keeps hidden.
What isn't talked about until you get there yourself.
The pain,
Sorrow
Anger
Envy
And hatred.
I know you can't understand yet
How could you in your perfect world?
But one day you'll have to grow up too.
Just know I'm here to help you through it all.

These past few months,
I haven't been in a good place.
Driving myself mad,
Within my own head.
Isolation,
Aggravation,
Stuck in thoughts of the future,
Or of the past,
Never really living in the present.
I'd sunken into a pit of stress,
Slipping to the bottom,
Submerged,
Until stress was no longer on
a conscious level.

I felt lost.
Alone.
Empty.
Destroyed.
And under no control.
Had gone so far as to diagnose
myself with convinced issues.
When in reality,
I may just be the same,
as
every
other
typical
teenager.

While I still know not what is
wrong,
I will no longer sit back and let
it hold me down.
I'm going to either fight with what
I can
Or continue on smoothly.
No matter the direction,
I will find out eventually,
if I
really
have
just
Lost my mind.

Thoughts surrounding thoughts, leaving no room for simplicity.
Drowning in doubt, no such thing as positivity.
At first the world seems sweet, handing you everything, with dignity.
But as each day moves forward, you lose your grasp on serenity.
It moves not steady, but with no predictability.
So it's time to say goodbye to hopes and dreams and say hello to reality.

1 year
365 days
I found an old email chain dated exactly that far back
From today.

For some reason you still manage to creep up into my day
Somehow it still hurts me too.
But in less than an hour it'll be tomorrow
And then the next day as follows.
Eventually ending up at the day that you made up your mind

As much as it hurt,
I can barely remember.
I remember where I was,
How I broke down,
How I cried over you...
But not what you said.

And why my eyes tear up this night I'll never understand.
Or why you did as you did;
Ending it without any explanation.
But that you did.

Yet reading our conversation,
From that day one year ago,
I never would have guessed...
And I didn't.

They say the problem is me
Hidden under lock and key
Secure from the world,
Safe from the pain.
But the chains on my heart choke the life out of my soul
Leaving my lungs gasping for something more
Something worth saying
Something with some meaning.
But alas the silence remains.
A broken girl behind a crooked smile
A sincere laugh, but only for a moment.
Claiming not to care
Yet a question whispers through the air of each night spent alone.
How can they tell me to let people in,
When there's no one around to see that the door's been left wide open?

There is no true definition
For what we strive to be
For what we want people to see
And what we never feel.
Being strong is not a choice
It's a state of being
It's beyond seeing
And it stands high.

True strength is forced upon you
When you can't take it anymore
And life keeps handing you more
But you don't have the choice to fall.

It becomes a habit
Turns into who you are
No way to sway too far
Near the way you used to be.
No longer caring
You become cold
Now being bold
In the very worst of ways.

Because as I hide behind my pain
I push everyone away
And face each and every day
With a mindset of fighting alone.
My friends don't see it
The struggle and pain
With their stares of vain
Not breaking my barriers.

I know it's gone too far
"Strength" taking over my fear
I watch my friends disappear
And still don't let them see my pain.
But the words haunt me deep
"You wanna shut yourself in go ahead"
I feel him giving up on me
"I'm trying to help you"
"I'm sorry"

I expected broken promises,
But you left a broken soul.
I hoped this time'd be different,
But it's the Same I've grown to know.

You spoke of crush,
Altered by a greater fall.
But it shouldn't make much difference;
Like is like, after all.

She burned your heart,
Ripped it out,
But I'm here to cool the flames.
She didn't care,
No ounce of love,
Just playing out her games.

The second choice,
Not too bad.
If only that was an option.
You're done with her,
And here I wait,
Still no interest I've gotten.

So tell me,
If you may,
What might it be,
That I could say
To hold your heart,
Within my hand?
Together in one part
It'd stand.

I'd do what I could
To prove
To you
Just how much I care.
I'll fight for you,
As long as you need,
And never leave your side.

So love me,
Or love me not.
Just know, your words
Are not forgot.

So if you make a promise,
To me this dead of night,
I'll wake in the morning,
With everything alright.

I'm here for you
Whenever you need me
I do everything I can
To make sure you're alright
but I need you.
There's a battle in my heart
And in my head
It's tearing me apart
and I need you
You said you're here for me
But you rarely are when I need it most
And it kills me
I need you.
But it's the same with everyone
I'm the friend who helps them up when they fall
But as I'm slowly slipping
There's no one there to catch me
Please prove you're different
I need you
I'd never admit it to anyone else
For I hate feeling vulnerable
I hide behind a mask of strength
But solitude kills me
I need you
I'm willing to let you in
Let my guard down and open up
Just don't let my image fool you
Don't leave me
*because I need you

So
                     they
   say nothing can compare to
      the delicacies that claim
         our sky. High above,
      far beyond our air, lights
    break the               darkness.

                        I
                    must
admit to their magnificence; truly
       breathtaking. Is it such
         a coincidence, that
    your presence has similar
effects                           on me?

                        I
                    watch
their genuine glow, and wish you
     were there beside me; to
         share in this wonder.
        To gain the experience
      of true                 sublimity.

                        I
                    know
that if you were really there with
       me, my gaze would fall.
          No longer focusing
      on the sky, but instead
     upon                     your all.

                      And
                    because
these moments don't last forever-
      I know I could watch these
        stars whenever. But it
      wouldn't be us, together-
    I would              take it all in.

                       An
                  amazing
experience it is; the feeling of being
      close, to the one thing I've
         found that surpasses
      the stars I've seen, in both
   amazement        and in beauty

Alone in a cold place,
No escape is in sight.

All my thoughts are against me,
But I can no longer stand and fight.

I'm drained and empty of emotion;
Not a trace of a care.

Leaving a huge opening,
For the negative thoughts I can't bear.

Everything adds up,
One issue after the next.

Then they give me their problems too,
The only time I'm worth a text..

But I listen intently,
I let them speak their mind.

I take in all their pain,
And then it becomes mine.

My so-called 'best friends';
That's definitely not what I see.

How can they expect me to really care,
When they won't even try to for me?

So I'll pretend that I'm okay.
Not that they can really tell.

I'm dying on the inside,
And so I wish them all well.

She can be my Juliet, her heart is my prize.
Save me from myself but lead to my demise.
Ill be her Romeo, more or less I suppose.
Ill die for her, if that's the way that it goes.
Our love is forbidden, shunned by our surrounding persons.
But without my girl, the pain only worsens.
So ill take a stab, straight into my beating heart
If it means, in the end, we never see need to part.

I see it in his eyes,
I can hear it in his voice;
He loves me.
And it hurts.. how much I wish I had the choice
To love him that way too.