Okay. I may look like everything is all happy-days-all-the-time, but I have had more mental breakdowns than I care to admit, more nightmares than I wish to face, more panic attacks than I let on, more overthinking than I smile. Most days I cannot even think about eating anything. Most days I try to sleep everything away.
Do you know how hard it is trying to keep it all together, looking perfectly fine on the outside, while internally I am breaking down, I am screaming. Sometimes I wish I did scream, just once so that I can let it all out. But would that be enough even then?
I have had more battles than victories. More fights than laughs. You would think speaking about it all would help, but sadly, it has not.
But, I have prayed more than I've cried. I write more than I speak. I breathe more than I blink.
And overall, this I know for a fact: I have lost - maybe more times than I have won - but I have won, I have failed, I have achieved, I have cried, and I have laughed, I prayed, I loved. And most importantly, though I thought I had - i did not fold.

Let's get real for a second:
It is so difficult to feel comfortable in your own skin most times.
How often have you been brought down by someone else and then told to "just get over it"?
How often do we compare ourselves to others?
How often do we look avoid looking at our bodies in the mirror?
And how often do we hope that others help us build ourselves up only to be broken down again?
They say healing is a process, but it is those that say this that have not known insecurity.
So my question is: how do you breathe; how do you focus and how many times do you stop yourself from comparing your body to another's?
Telling someone "your body is perfect" does not do justice in that person's mind when they see the other "perfect" bodies around them; on social media, in the gym - wherever.
Take a second to come to terms with this fact: it is a mental state that cannot simply be put aside... it is rooted deep within oneself and sometimes, that insecurity - it doesn't go away. No matter how hard one tries.

I cried and cried
"I can't say it"
"Yes you can. Say: "I'm perfect"
I cried some more and tried to force the words to form in my mind.
"Say it!" He said once more, "Say it because you are perfect. Dont listen to yourself. You're lying to yourself."
Eyes squeezed shut, I forced out the words:
I am perfect.

It takes a lot out of a person to see their self worth after so many years of not believing it due to abuse. Mental, verbal, maybe even physical. It takes a lot to try and not lie through your teeth to someone who loves you, to admit, you are, in fact, perfect.

It takes a lot of a person to stand in front of the mirror and look at oneself. To look at the body your soul resides in and think "I am perfect" after years of being told that you're too this and you're too that.

So I implore you, believe that you are perfect. Cry if you must, but look at yourself, really look, and believe it when someone says that you are, in fact, perfect. That person would not love you otherwise. You are you, and they love you for that.

She lived in shades of blue
Under the water, within the waves
Under the blue skies over the meadows

Find her there, in your deepest hour
Lost in her smile, drowning in her eyes
Out of your reach, in all the shades of blue

Circling the galaxies, treading the deepest trenches
Searching for a way
All in her shades of blue

Find yourself within her smile
Echoing through the laughter
Just out your reach in all the shades of blue

Find her there
Under the water, within the waves
Find yourself
Drowning in her eyes

In all the shades of blue

Tell me what to do
To make myself seem
Enough for you

What will you do
To make me seem
Enough to you

There is a storm
Inside this chest
Inside this cage that
Holds this heart

This heart that needs
Reassurance because
It has been broken
And she needs it to heal

Tell her what she needs
To hear
Because she needs to know
So much
Just to feel safe

She is but a child
wrapped in gold,
with no way of knowing how to feel
But the stars,
they give her hope,
they guide her home

The stars
They do not fail me

I write poetry across your skin with fingertips
Lightly tracing across your tattoos
But you don't know that
You don't know the poetry I write in the swirls my fingertips create over the skin on your back and over the skin on your chest
You don't know I write poetry when I rest my hand gently over your heart, when my head is rested upon your shoulder.
You don't know those are the poems I cannot put into words

O' how dark is the world t'day
So morbidly gray
But o' here comes the sun
Shining down through the clouds
And you are there to soak it up
And wish he were there

Colors swirl beneath eyelids
Humidity in the atmosphere
Raindrops in vivid dreams

Another restless night
For a restless soul
Filled with hopes

Wide eyes
And blurry scenery
Birds sing and crickets chirp

Why are you not there

Love is like a cigarette
I t        b u r  n     s
o
u
t


Unless you keep it lit

You

All I can say is that you fill me with a pure sense of
Calm
And I have never felt so strongly and surely about
Anything or anyone
You bring bliss
You embody euphoria
And if I could put my love into words
I would
But all I can say for now is this:
    I love and appreciate you and I
                    always will
--
Everything

All I know now
Is that I know something I didn't before
I want you to know
I want to grow in love
With you
All you had to say was
          "Hello"
And everything changed
All you had to do was approach me
And everything changed
And I only feel butterflies now
And a sense of calm
You look like coming home
Everything has shifted
Tell me why I feel as though
You're the one I've been missing my whole life
And tell me this is not all in my mind
All you had to say was
         "Hello"
And everything changed
Everything was put into perspective.

It is worth the risk
It is worth the fall
It is worth everything
To give my heart
To give my soul
To fall deeply
Hopelessly
Madly
In love

I am willing
And I am open
And I am ready
To take the fall
To take the risk
To give my heart once again

He made me smile
And he kissed my hand like a gentleman
And he sang in the car
And made me laugh
And said he loves me
And I had never felt more at home
Than when I was in his arms
Or sitting on the balcony with him
Or sipping wine
And watching a strange old movie
And I love him too.

She possesses a soft
Heart and a wild
Mind
She is fragility and
Danger wrapped into one
She has fire dancing
In her eyes and water
Crashing in her bones
She is her warrior
And she has fought many
Battles
She desires to be loved
But she has never been more
Full of fear than when she
Looked into his eyes

Protect her and love her
Fiercely for she can show you
Galaxies and untame your
Spirit

You are beautiful
With your beautiful soul
And your broken dreams

You are beautiful
With your dreamer mind
And your broken heart

You are beautiful
In the way you look at the sky
In reckless hope and wonder

You are beautiful
In the way you wipe your tears from your eyes
In embarrassed laughter

You are beautiful
In all ways
In all things
You are beautiful, love

As his lips meet mine
In a soft and gentle touch,
As his arms wind around me
In a safe and gentle embrace,
As his eyes meet mine
In a yearning and gentle hold;
I am no longer afraid to
Let my heart fling itself
Against my ribcage
Wildly wishing to feel again.

I was lost in the
Desert
You came and offered me
Water
You're the Serpent in the sand
You've watched me for days
Wondering the dunes
Till I could go no
Further
You're the Serpent in the sand
I saw a mirage
Of the boy I once loved
And as I brought the cool water to my lips
You said to me
"let it be"
You're the Serpent in the sand
I drank your water and you invited me in
And blindly
I followed
You're the Serpent in the sand
When you were done with me
Once you stripped me of my dignity
Once you left my heart bare
You discarded of me
I was lost in the dunes once again
And you're the Serpent in the sand
And I dreamt of you for weeks once I had reached
Civilization
I was scorched and wounded
Blindly
I let you in
Never again will I encounter another
Serpent in the sand
Never again will I follow a Serpent such as
You

show me
Affection
when you are
Sober
not only when
Intoxicated
but get
Drunk
off of knowing me
when you know
Yourself
how else will I know you then

Tonight
Let's pour our hearts out to
Each other
Over a bottle of
Red wine
And candlelight
And the sounds of nature around us

I have my mind
Set
On a Pices
And I'm willing to drown in worlds
And fly around
Neptune
If it means to show him
I'm there

(please see my intentions are good. Please reveal yours)

Thunder crashes
Lightning strikes
We are engulfed in flames
White-hot
Golden streaks
Our hearts
Ablaze
Our eyes become
Embers
Our souls become
Fire
You and I will burn
Out
But not soon
(I pray not soon, or not ever for that matter)

And in that moment she felt like crying
But no tears came
And she so desperately wanted to cry
"over a boy?"
They asked
And all she could do was nod
As she felt the
Splinter
Work it's way

Life happens;
Let's start with that.
Let's add this to it:
Guys come and add challenges.
What can you do?
They text you, and you text back
They promise they're good and you believe it
They kiss you and you start to feel
Again
They hold your hand and you start to feel more...
Again.
They tell you they like you and it takes a few days, but you eventually admit that you like them back.
And that's fine, right?
But then comes this girl who's prettier and most likely smarter
And he looks happy.
I mean, he's got his arm around her right?
And you sit there, like a fool,
Hoping                                          Praying
He still likes you.
But she's prettier.
What do you do?
Anxiety kicks in and suddenly you feel like crying, don't you?
I do...
But she's prettier
And he's most likely not drunk anyway.
But you like him
And he's said he likes you.
Does he?
You blame yourself. You feel stupid. You feel small.
Why would he like you?
Maybe you shouldn't have gotten attached
Maybe you shouldn't  have said it back; "I like you"
There are so many doubts and suddenly you can't think straight.
What is it? Who will it be?
Do you actually like me?
Does he?

And all she wants is
To be held
To have someone whisper
Into her hair
"I've got you"
And to feel properly
Loved
For who she was and who
She is and who she wants
To be
And to be allowed to remain a
Free spirit
And someone to get lost with
Someone to encourage her to be her better self
Someone to keep her head
In the clouds
And her feet pressed firmly to the ground
She does not want to feel overwhelmed
Or oppressed
But alive
And beautiful

I wish I could ask you to teach me how to get over you.

(Version 1)
'twas said from Heav'n he fell
into blazing fire and tortures of hell
thine flames did lick his skin
and ash what stained his locks
'twas Love, that arson was
-----
(Version 2)
'twas from Heav'n he fell
into blazing fire and tortures of hell
amber flame did kiss his skin
and ash did besmirch his wings
all for love of mortal ***** thine Angel fell
from Heav'n to earth for a blazing hell

This is a promise to you, Robynne Nataly La Rosa.
A promise that you will not let yourself down again.
A promise of Hope
And of Life
And Love.
A promise of Growth.
It is a Four-leaf Clover wrapped around your finger;
A daily reminder, now and forever more,
That you are worth more than you give yourself credit for.

This is my promise to myself;
To my Heart, to my Mind, to my Soul.
A promise of Hope
And of Life
And Love.
A promise of Growth.
It is a daily reminder,
This Four-leaf Clover.

People should fall in love with their eyes closed.
But slowly;
Carefully.

Do not give too much of yourself away so quickly.
But slowly;
Carefully.

Let the wall crumble
Beneath their glow.
Let the ashes of the past settle
In their meadow.

Let wildflowers bloom.
Slowly
And carefully.

Do not allow your soul to become ensnared too easily;
Do not let poison ivy grow.
Do not allow your waters to become polluted.

Fall in love with your eyes closed
But slowly;
Carefully.

Lose yourself in shades of hazel
See the blue of your eyes reflected in his shade of brown
But see beyond that.

Allow him to see the brown of his eyes reflected in your shade of blue
But let him see beyond that.

But slowly;
Carefully.

You refused to;
You weren't willing to;
You weren't interested in
Fixing yourself
And if you think I'm going to
Cry
Over a boy like you
Well then you've got me
All wrong

Today, I saw your face again
And I felt as though I were meeting you for the first time.
That first meeting of ours...
It was so pure
And I was so shy
And you could not take your eyes off of me
And I could barely look at you.
"He doesn't deserve your admiration"
I had thought
And today, I thought that again.
I never thought I'd bump into you once more -
Not until you were ready to let it happen.
But nothing could prevent Destiny.
And when I saw you, I wanted nothing more than to pull you in
And to taste you.
To feel your lips pressed against mine
Even if you would have pushed me away.
But it was that first meeting all over again
And I could barely look at you
And still that didn't stop you from looking at me.
We had hurt each other in the past
But all that is so easily forgotten when I see you.
And as we hugged goodbye, I wished I wasn't such a fool.
I wish I had kissed you.

A Storm was brewing outside
And in me
Thunder crashed
And my heart screamed
Lightning struck
And my eyes were blinded
Rain pounds down
And I was beaten
The sky cried out
"God save me please"
And my bones grew weak and I bled out
"my love, save me please..."
While he stood and wept
"you'll be fine my dear"
And lightning struck his frame
And his wings lit up
He was too entangled in me
And we both choked on raindrops
And I replied
"I'll be fine if you will be for you are too much a part of me"

And suddenly I wished to know what it would be like to breathe you in
And to know what you taste like
And to rest my head upon your shoulder
And to hear your heart beat in my ear
Or to hold your hand as we drive through the night on an endless road trip -
The kind we both long for
With your awful singing that I know I'll love so much and your strange taste in music
And we are so far apart with nothing in common but our desire to explore
And I remember how I felt this all before and I realise how I want this all much more

Sun glinting off the waves
A knife carving on a cheek
Silver moonlight reflected across the still ocean
A silver scar creeping across her jawline
The sun creates a silver lake
The knife creates a silver stream
Her blood is gold
The wound silver
Her head held high
The sight blinding
People stare in awe and wonder
At the sliver lake created in her eyes
At the silver lake reflected off the ocean tide
The smooth skin made smoother from the blade

And when you're gone
I'll remember pale moonlight
And early sunrise
And the way the morning air whispers your name
Just before dawn breaks through
The midnight blue

We had a lot of good memories didn't we?
And perhaps I did take you for granted
And perhaps you took me for granted too.
But just one more kiss from you would have been
A saving grace
And my complete undoing.

And I am not sure I want another man to touch me
To touch my body or my soul
And I may not have been harmed physically
But I have been hurt brutally emotionally
And my soul cannot be stitched together
It cannot be mended after this
And I had given so much of myself to you
Opened every faucet in my heart for you
And you had broken me
And said I had no one to blame but myself
And I am not sure I want to open the faucets for another
Again
You have broken me
You have torn me apart
You have harmed me in such a way
You have brutally beaten my heart
And my soul
And I want no part of it any longer

And suddenly
My world came crashing down
And I am sitting on the floor
With eyes on fire
And soul beaten
And heart torn open
And I envy you
For having the ability to cut yourself
Off
And I pity you for it too
And I wonder if at night
You feel broken too
And if you dare let a single tear
Fall
In remembrance of our good pure love
The way a faucet opened in me

...I couldn't stop thinking about what would have happened if I had allowed you that second chance. Would I have stayed? Would I have been happy, merely because I would have had you again? Would I have still left? Would we have stayed in a relationship? I suppose we would have because VHS is only two or three blocks away from BHS. But I suppose we probably wouldn't have because it was all just too much of a sad situation.
And c... I wonder this quite often... If I had asked you to allow me to explain myself to you... Would you let me? Would you want to hear the truth? Or would you be content with a lie?... I wanted to reach for your hand that day, so badly that it stung. I wanted to hold your hand; see if I could still feel the warmth from your hand radiate through mine into my bones. I remember how it felt to slip my hand into yours, and I desperately wanted to see if I would still feel that now. I so desperately wanted to know how you feel about me... And whether or not you wanted to hold my hand too.

As the rain starts to fall
Through the cracks in the ground
So the rain starts to fall
Through the crevices in my soul
As the winds clears
The fallen leaves from the sidewalk
So the wind clears
The fallen leaves from my heart
As the seasons
Change
So does my heart
As time goes by
My wounds heal
And self-love grows more boldly
In my soul.

I was in love with you
I was infatuated with you
My thoughts were no longer my own
My actions no longer mine
And the way you spoke differed
Vastly
From the way you acted
I had turned my friends away
For you
Turned myself away
I was no longer my own
But a puppet
In your masterpiece
And it's sad
To think
how such a good person
Can be such a bad person too
And so I begged you
To let me free
Even though
Your intentions were good
I needed to be set
Free
Because it's sad
To think
How such a good person
Can be such a bad person too
And I am no longer in love with you.

I finally understand why my mom used to say:
"Saying sorry doesn't fix the situation."
No matter how many times you say it, it cannot undo what has been done.
It cannot magically mend what has been broken.
it can't fix a broken heart.
just like it can't put a broken porcelain dish back together.
saying sorry does not turn back the time.
Sorry only helps the person doing the apologising.
so that they may feel better for a little while at least...
it only eases the hurt.
It does not end the hurt.
I can forgive you for when you say you are sorry,
but I won't forget how much hurt you have caused.

he doesn't know me anymore
rather trusting a rumour than my heart
rather believing a silly lie than the truth I cry
he doesn't know me anymore
claiming I'm the one who changed
claiming I've been breaking his heart
he doesn't know me any more
and I don't think I want that anymore
I am tired of being treated lesser
like I am no longer who I was in the beginning
I don't know him anymore...
and that is killing me.

i looked into his eyes today
and felt a shiver run down my spine.

i had dreamt of him last night.
he had written in a card for me
telling me that he was scared to love me but that he wanted to, so badly
and i had wanted to tell him that i was scared, too,
but that i was too in love with him to care.
but i couldn't pick up the pen, couldn't speak to him
and suddenly i wasn't moving, i was falling
down
but not to him.
into an abyss.
perhaps i was drowning in emotions...

and when i looked into his eyes today,
i could not see anything.

does he even consider me?
yes. he is a little younger.
and no. i don't care.
because when you love, it's for real.

but will he ever think of me?
has he?

i wish that i could captivate him
the way he captivates me, even when he isn't anywhere near me.

i want to know him
but does he wish to know me?

i glanced into those dark, intriguing eyes
and felt my heart-beat pick up
but had to look away.

i do not want to reveal my feelings for him...
but i wish i could.

oh, how I wish...
i wish he would notice me

And then he touched her.
The slightest touch.
In the briefest of moments.
A whisper of skin on skin.
His hand brushing lightly against hers.
But it was enough.
Her cheeks warmed and her hand tingled.
In that moment she wanted to look up at him
But knew that she would reveal a secret love.
So the touch remained secret too.
A whisper of skin on skin in a crowded room,
A sign that she was his only one.
It was enough
To electrify her soul
And make her heart cry out

I don't always feel loved.
Someone can tell me how much they love me for a few months, and I'll feel it,
But as soon as that person slows down on saying it, I don't  feel the love anymore.
Maybe it's just me...
I don't know.
And then I lash out.
And then they wonder why I'm so mean and such a *****.
I can't help it.
Perhaps that's me defending my heart from another let down.
I don't know...
And when I lash out, I hurt them badly.
So badly that I fear I've lost them forever.
But they still stay.
And then they love me harder.
But then I feel it fade again..
What is it about me?
Do I repel you so?
Is the fact that I'm such a Feeler so dreadful?
Sometimes I don't feel loved at all.
Because I've been a victim of so much bullying through the years.
How many years?
9 years.
I'm only 18 now, and still, I'm a victim.
No one should be a victim of bullying.
And I'm hoping that when I leave school at the end of this year, all the hatred will detach itself from me. All the bullying will go.


I'm sorry that I lash out.
It's the only way I know how to cope lately.
I've been let down so much.

Soon I'll not have a name to you.
Soon I'll only be a girl you once knew.
One day, I won't have a face either.
And one day when you pass me in the mall
You won't recognize me.
But I'll remember you.
I'll remember how you chose to forget about me.
And a look of confusion will cross your face
When I smile at you.
And you'll go home
And after a while
You'll remember my face.
And you'll remember my name.
And you'll remember how you chose to forget me
And you'll ask yourself why you did.
But I will have moved on
I will have forgiven you by then,
And that will make you think
And think
And think.

You are golden.
And I love you still.
And I wonder... Do you think of me at all?
Does anything trigger your memory?
I was a fool.
I acted too rashly. Always.
You are golden.
And I love you still.

Seasons come and go,
Each year it's the same.
If only people changed like the seasons.
Winter, Summer, Autumn, Spring;
Each one holds a secret,
It's own special magic.

Winter holds a promise that there is
Life after Death.
Spring ignites a spark; a sliver of
Hope and a pinch of Joy for healing.
Autumn holds the key to
Eternity,
And Summer is the Epicenter of
The Magic.
Summer is the result; the After-life;
It is Rebirth.

Seasons change, and people do too,
But it's a pity - a shame - that people
Don't change the same way.
People are too unpredictable; we change
Our minds too many times, we change
Our Destinies every day.

Seasons don't.

Seasons accept their constant cycle;
Their Natural Pattern.
People will never be like the Seasons.
I guess that's what makes us all
Unique.

In this way
We are Designed -
Crafted, Molded.

Seasons harbour a Secret;
It's own special Magic.
We too, are our own special Magic.

Winter promises Life after Death,
People are promised Happiness after Depression.
Spring ignites a spark of Joy for Healing,
People are promised Joy and Healing after Pain
And Suffering.

Autumn holds the key to Eternity,
People are promised Eternity in the Promised Land.
Summer is the Epicenter; the After-life,
And people are the Epicenters of their own lives.

We are our own Masters of Catastrophe.
People are Reborn in Faith.

Looking at it now, maybe we are much like
The Seasons.

We are predictable in our unpredictability.
This is our prized Possession.
This is our kind of Magic.

People have seasons, people are seasons.
Winter is our Darker side,
Spring is our Healing,
Summer, our Euphorical - blissful side,
Autumn, our Procrastination, our Changing,
Our Learning.

Just like the Seasons, we change;
We mold our Futures and become who we are meant
To be;
We become part of a Cycle.

I no longer hope for anyone's approval but my own.
I no longer let opinions of others define who I am.
I will follow the dreams I have jotted down on my bucket list.
I will follow my heart.
I will live the way I am meant to live.
I will no longer be trapped in this cage of conformity. I am too much a Bohemian Soul for that.
I will fall in love with different places, art, poems, music, people, tastes. And I will no longer apologize for my mistakes.
I am who I am - a straightforward, loyal, compassionate Bohemian that lives for Indie tunes and tarot cards and daisies, sunflowers, clouds and sculptures. A reader and a deep thinker and a lover and a dreamer and a free spirit.

Her body was a canvas
Her thoughts and words, the paintbrush
The thoughts and opinions of others, the paint

For too long, she had painted dark colours onto her skin
Reflecting what others wished her to show

Now, she is painting brighter colours onto her skin
For she is learning to love the body she is in

Her body is a canvas
Her thoughts and words, the paintbrush
The thoughts and opinions of others, the experience
Her actions, the paint