My Dad always gave me the best advice.
"Don't cry while laying down that is how you get an earache"
"Don't take your frustration out on other people, it's not their fault that you feel the way you do"
Dad everytime I look back I can tell that you truly cared for me, I miss you and your advice. You steered me in a way, I would like to think that you are proud of.

Was the first without you being here.
We set the table and pray.
We ate and we drank we talked about the things that we were grateful for.
But you not being here wasn't on my list. When I think of losing my Dad it makes me scared to lose my Mom.
What Thanksgiving is going to be like without the both of you. And it shreds my heart.

Maybe this is what I need
maybe this is what I wanted
I thought back about five years, "Maybe one day someone will love me the way that I loved you" from a earlier poem

Lost in a wander, conflicted with anxiousness. I walk in a black cube of my own fears that no matter what I do engulfs my life like air. Maloncholy to happiness I sit in this purplexed contradiction called existence and ponder the outcomes of the what if's and what-not's of my timeline, feeling as if I couldn't have really changed anything. Considering the circumstances of my own needing to be unhappy or to be alone in my own decisions. To potentially hex myself of this vector of morbid depression seems unachievable at times, I step away and see that it's me in an emotional blur with my head spinning and my rash justifications of who and why I am so stuck in a lose of love circular rotation.

She says I'm worried for nothing I should be able to trust her. I know I can't trust her. I know I'm not worried about nothing I'm worried about something and the reason I'm worried about that something is because I'm dealing with you. If I didn't care then it wouldn't be dealing with you. This little something is a big problem I've never had to deal with something like this before. I understand she's a lady she's going to have friends some of those friends are going to be dudes. But do they have to be dudes that are there when I'm not there do they have to be dudes that bring free drugs and offer money when you're short on rent? I'm not going to sit here and hold a prostitutes hand and tell her I love her and believe that she's not doing anything with these people that I know about because she's saying something about it so that way I don't worry about it but I know that I should be worried about it because she's saying something about it.


Voice to text sorry if the punctuation is incorrect my right hand that I write with is healing from surgery

Right handed not left
Tendons scraping stabbing pains with every movement

I had a lot on my mind. Me and my brother we had some words things got loud. I can't recall if he said something about her as if a ****** maybe just called her a ******. Things had already escalated things were already said they weren't going to get taken back. Me and my brother have had a hard time since my father has passed nobody in the family was ready for his departure. So we got into a tussle we both hurt each other a bit not like a bar fight but just a little bit. Our loving mother comes in screaming. I told her I was just trying to tell him the good news. She's not with a child. We ended up getting into a fight. After the fight I took a walk I was so mad I punched a tree twice as hard as I could. Later that night at the emergency room I'm checking myself in, I'm talking to the nurse about the drama and the problem at the house and the thing that I'm going through with my lady and it just clicked. That everything was turning bad for a reason the reason was so sad we weren't supposed to be together to begin with

I knew you did dirt when I met you.
I knew that you weren't clean.
I knew that we had both been hurt before.
I knew what you were up to.

What I didn't know, is that we were both so hurt that we were stuck thinking of survival.
The only thing that really concerns themselves with survival is an animal.

You shouldn't have to worry of falling prey to somebody that you trust, and I never trusted you. I never worried about you trying to consume me and use me and eat me alive.
I never lowered my guard. I never let you in all the way to the point that you could hurt me that way.

We weren't good for each other, and we had to split apart and go our separate ways. Had to do what we had to do kind of like survival.

I could tell that I'm starting to appreciate it. Solace - peacefulness
I feel like a mental Haze has lifted.

Not being with her has taught me I'm a very fragile person and when I don't feel right I don't think right.

I know I wasn't thinking right, I knew I wasn't doing right.

Considering how fast everything moved and how fast everything stopped this past month was like a car accident.

She's the type to think that nothing happens by accident everything happens for a reason.  I know there's a reason that not everybody in your life is meant to see the highest you the best version of you. I kind of wish that I knew what that looked like for you, I kind of wish you knew what that looks like for me. I'm thinking clearly now. I'm moving better now.

Water is life every single things life rotates around it.

I heard somewhere to be like the water the water takes the path of least resistance.

Am I the dam or the water in this relationship? Am I holding back your flow the rush of your magnitude, or the pressure that comes with your quantity?

A scale of good and bad, a report of empty or full. Recently I have started keeping a tally throughout my day of happy and sad and according to my records,
I'm living in a tragedy with seldom bursts of humor.

I feel sour and I act bitter, I have hidden under the covers of solitude for to long. I have a heart and I have feelings, I'm not afraid to admit that I've been hurt, I'm not scared of the outcome of introductions anymore.

I'm not to sure what it is about her, I always had this secondary sense of security. Like nothing could happen when I was with Jasmine.

In here eyes I could see everything I've ever imagined. But she wasn't here for me. She was here to be what she considered destined to be.

I never realized how content I was to stare into her eyes, to see past the lies, the confusion, she lifted my veil of delusion.

She was my seclusion.

I would ride the highs and lows, I would find some common folk, I would count my cards and pray to the stars, But I bet she wouldn't care to know how that goes. A loss on the toss of the roulette wheel.

I'm lost without you.
I don't know what to do
This game you play leaves my heart tattered and blue,

I never needed any of this, forever dreaming of your kiss, oh how I miss you Miss, you had left me to be in love with this misery, and you could care less have fun, don't you worry your pretty head about me.

I'm fine in comparison, you see I'm hurt but I am not dying I am injured but not crying,

Thinking to himself, he wondered, why it mattered so much? He is a loose cannon on his way to his destination, You see we are mortals to this world just as everyone else.

He always considered himself as an intellectual individual. Yet he simply couldn't put his finger on the point of addiction to intimacy, no night seems complete in lonesomeness.

Some say he is comfortable, others feel as if anywhere he is he doesn't fit in, a person lost in time. Trying so desperately to get to that point.

The point where he can just forget that there isn't a significant time or place to be, and at that second he deceived himself into understanding the fact that he is where he needs to be, in a loss.

I go to this place
I know of her face
And the one that she wears
A rouge soul in a place unnoticed
Her name echoes thru my dreams
In my head I see her smile
With my own eyes I see her cry
Day after day she wears that face
That face that makes you think that things are fine. You wear yours and I will wear mine.
I think of her more often then not.