I am free.
Free to smile,
At whatever makes me smile,
Free to dance,
Whenever I want to dance,
Free to sing,
Wherever I want to sing,
Free to run,
However far I want,
Free to love,
Whoever warms my heart,
Free to be,
The person I am for no reason,
Other than that it is who I am,
That it is who I will always be,
And that it is the one thing I don't need to explain:
Me

but thinking about how
happy you make me makes me
so sad, and full of self-pity
  for ever having lived without you

sometimes my fingers find spots
on your skin that they like to
gently scratch and I wonder,
if I gently, sweetly stroked one spot
for an infinite amount of time,
would I eventually wear into a
vital ***** and bleed you out?
   because a gentle wave, over
   time, turns mountains
   into fractions

and I guess I'd probably lose my finger first
but still, I wonder.

I do know one thing though, I know
that one day we will miss this twin bed
  and we complain
but I have found that it is
my favorite way to sleep
and the only way to keep
at bay the flood of aloneness
that presses against my chest every day

     I should try to give myself some credit.

I am trying to give myself some credit,
but then there's you.

you tried to say that i was pretty
and i said i agreed with you
and i wasn't trying to be stuck up
i didn't care if you thought i was pretty
or not
i like me
and that's all that matters
to me
then you said
that sometimes you don't know if im being honest
or if im just giving you  
some "spiel"...
...i almost started kicking chairs over
right then
i don't have a ******* spiel
you ******* **** ******
you get lilred undiluted
115% of the time
then you asked me
if i came with a warning label
and i said
like **** i do
"harmful if swallowed"
"handle with care"
then you tried to say something nice
about my eyes
i told you to go to hell

god, i'm good with boys

my anxiety makes me feel like someone has cramped me into a little box
and my lungs have shrunk
and i cannot help but tremble
and i wonder if the millions of other people
who are so afraid of existing
would crawl out
and sit with me
so we could try to make each other
braver
cut a lip
with a fist,
maybe

these melt-away anti-anxiety tablets
don't work well enough for me
the coiled spring in my chest
is threatening

i talked to a man from india
jilted at the altar
three times
by the girl he loved
because she was
"feeding her dog".
he waited nine hours in his tuxedo
"like an ***"
he said.
she wanted more
"gifts"
if she was going
to marry him.
depressed, he went to a *******
"where the real fun began"
got hired as a dancer
got paid to make women wet
something
he'd never done
before
most were married with kids
he felt bad at first
but his boss said
it couldn't be helped
get used to it
he became incredibly wealthy
many friends,
many gifts,
paid a high pension
didn't show his face to the girls
but showed other things
eventually he was banned
for being too
prosperous

...a man almost forced into prostitution
even when he didn't like it
a sad story
one that belongs on a blog somewhere
or in a poem

and it all happened
on imvu
welcome to the ******* internet
where being ridiculous is cause for farming liable sympathy

it's very hard to be a successful poet without being in love
and i haven't been in love since
....
maybe it was ryan
but i don't know if that was love or not
i think it was more like
wishful thinking
i have been determined to find my own bravado
ever since

i like boys that use pretty words
and think deep thoughts
but i would never want anything more to do with them
other than the small attraction i give sunlight and water to
every once in a small while

i am slightly worried about not being in love.
at my age
with my gender,
that is one's occupation
i can rightfully fail school
if it is in the name of love
they might even make a romantic comedy about me
if i do all the wrong things just because i am moonstruck

i would ask you to fall in love with me
to give me an excuse
but to be honest...
i can't be bothered.