We are all that is made from the words of others and the emotions they give, or take.
The building blocks or rubble of our very fabric, and all that separates growth from decay can be just a word, one single word.
Growth can be slow and nurtured by another, but decay, oh decay can be swift and destroy so much in an instant.
There comes a time when we begin to build a wall rather than build ourselves.
It gets higher around us until it shuts out all the world
Then we die within our own prison
Built from bricks made with the words of others

When I woke today I was alone
Couldn't feel your warmth
Couldn't touch your skin with my fingertips
Nor kiss your face with my lips

Couldn't smell your scent as I made the bed
Nor touch your hair as you got dressed
No silhouette to make me smile
No clothes left for me to fold

I couldn't hear your voice at breakfast
Or the sound of your heels in the hall
Couldn't say goodbye and wish you well
Couldn't hug and squeeze you it's living hell

Because I am here and you are not
You've never been and thats our lot
So really nothing's changed from a month ago
So why do I feel like I am not whole?

Tonight again I shall got to sleep
Imagine you as you breathe
Stroke your hair and kiss your neck
Then hold you in a warm embrace

My life has changed in a way thats good
It isn't how I thought It would
A way that others may not get
Is it Love??
Let them guess
***

He always feared he would be never enough
If he lay beside her in fear of love

Always believing one day she would have gone
Into the arms of another who offered her more

All that he thought and all that was there
were nothing but dreams of a life with her

Entangled lives with tremulous pasts interlaced in a web of lust

But lust is fleeting and isn't love
And dreams were all it ever was

Two o'clock shadow at 8 am
Another late night, beer again
Eyes red dry and sore
Un ironed shirt from night before
Mind won't focus can't concentrate
Why did you drink again so late
Your body is drained and wearing out
Get some help your times run out

There was a moment in my day.
The day of rebirth.
The darkness will fade and the light will shine brighter each day from today.
It was coincidentally a friends birthday and without plans aforethought I ended up meeting her and her boyfriend, whom I introduced as fate would have it.
They had been there an hour before me and wine had flowed well.
Then the strangest of things occured.
For I was with strangers.
In that moment I saw something I had not seen for a long time.
I saw hope.
I saw two souls I had known over two decades, yet who only met a month ago.
I saw a difference.
A growth.
A comfort in each others character.
Peace as it were.
It was as though I was an observer, stealing a peek into their lives to a place I had never seen in eithers.
Today of all days.
We all laughed.
We drank and we simply existed in a strange way separated from all around us.
But all I could think of where the words of Alan Watts who defines the pagan path though not intentionally in his narrative, asking who we are.
Challenging all we were imprinted with from birth.
For a couple of hours I saw that question answered with crystal clarity.
I watched it unfold.
I saw who they were.
All that remains is finding
"Who am I?"

Goodnite fellow travelers

Not now the voices say
I wish to god they would go away
Talk don't shout!
If you were real I'd throw you out
But no! Now you witter on
No peace for me to fall asleep
Don't speak like that or I'll **** you
No I'll **** me
Sorted

If today ends and tomorrow starts
Yesterday will be a memory of today
So if tomorrow and today are thus the same
They all become yesterday
Then is tomorrow today?
Or is yesterday tomorrow ?
So live for today
Dream of tomorrow
Enjoy yesterday's memories
But most importantly
Is the bar open?

What "if" as kipling said we are measured by actions
What if we saw a circumstance and reacted on our past endeavours
What should we react to?
Intuition, the gut feeling?
We react to neither.
We simply react
We have within us a code.
Programmed,
Amended,
Revised.
By experience
No more
No less
That is who we are

There are some dark dark places in my soul
Feel free to roam around once inside
View the scars left by others
The voids not yet filled
And lest we forget the wells of darkness
Take a light with you to find your way
You will need it, for I have no map

I am falling faster than I can measure as the darkness all but consumes me.
I no longer see any light in the loves that held me here.
I only see solace in goodbye.
I awake falling with no grasp of the day, no will to move forward, no purpose.
I think I am done with this fight and simply wish to shed this body.
I know not what tipped my balance, nor when.
I have no wish to talk or discuss solutions or remedy to this darkness.
I simply want to be free from it.
Free, just free from the torture of each wasted day with all its pain and sycophantic malaise.
Had I the substance to go.

That creak you didn't hear
That was breaking point
I mean why would any of you hear it
You see only a facade not the core
The molten thoughts and emotion
Turmoil like you can't imagine
Yet you all dined and enjoyed the company
You couldn't know could you
I was tiptoe all weekend on the edge
Closer to it than I have been in a long time
Overloaded, all wanting a piece of me
None realising I'm running on empty
Empty other than dark thoughts
Then finally sleep came and solace
But no, for even dreams became nightmare
Screaming skulls and torture I begged for death
Only to wake to ***** shaking in fear
Unhinged and unable to face the day I retreated
Beneath the quilt, a world away for a day
Irony! The world did not notice oh no
The messages, calls none phased at my absence
Save for one. One who always knows when the black dog is afoot.
Seems to know to call
Knows how I don't know

The darkness has always been there
It is natures cold harsh default
Some carry the light and skip through it
Others accept it, they are lost to us.
The choice is your own
Light or Darkness
Choose wisely

Inner space?
Yes I pose the question
What is it?
Is it alone time
Is it loneliness
Is it simply the place we go to think
Or the place we go to hide
Its all our own whatever your answer
Mine Is mine to visit and your not welcome
You may have driven me there
Find your own.

Is love always lost when you find it?
When you fall in love, why doesn't it hurt like falling out?
The sun doesn't rise, we fall !
Ever heard the dawn break?
Neither have I.
When night fell, did it trip or was it pushed?
Do the stars know when we can't see them?
Do the clouds feel the cold?
Do birds sing in tune?
If love is blind is it deaf dumb and stupid as well?
Does any of it matter when you are alone?
Can anyone really tell...

Posted for my mad buddy who I swear has peed reading it. If you think it doesn't fit here. Don't read it I guess.

Cindersfellas

When Cinderella lost her shoe, the Prince did all that he could do!
Night and day he gave his all to re unite it with her smelly sole
So many that he tried it upon, yet none could hold the slipper on.
To fat to thin or athlete's foot and what a stink he had to sniff up

But as he thought his quest was fraught, a delicate foot he came upon
Pedicured and delicate, all his foot ferishes desired!
Like fingers into a silken glove, her tootsies slid into its glass a perfect fit he's found his wife

All ended well her sisters thrashed and cinders got the Princes heart
She also got the princes cash, his castle horses cars and thrones, all the maid had dreamed upon.
That as Disney is same in life, when you marry a gold digging *****

But.. Cinders is simply just a tale to make kids think that lifes a rainbow
With unicorns an Bambis too with multi coloured marshmallow poos

It ain't that or nothing near, because there ain't no Prince or footwear here!
Often a fool who does there part to show their love to another's heart
Yet used and abused and taken for granted, often hit and always shouting

Ringin bells? And not in church? You're a victim of the Disney curse!!
You ain't Snow white more like the prisoner, locked inside a nightmare before Christmas
No glass slippers no carriage either, all they sold you is wedding fever!!

So be your own Princess or Prince or knave or whatever else you think
Your life, your choice your one and only
Don't waste it with unworthy causes.

For in the end you're a long time dead
Don't let them **** you inside as well
Your heart beats and it beats for you
Sometimes in time with another's too

So there you have it, all that is
No glass slipper no magical dream
But if you think the one for you
is out there in lifes foggy world
You may be right and find them there
I hope it's all that you deserve

But remember now just these things.
Cinders never got a ring !
Maybe Shrek was not a Prince
But Fiona didn't get beaten up

There have always been silences
You never hear them begin
How can you?
In the morning,
coming home,
at dinner.
He's tired, she's stressed
It creeps in.
It grows
Then one day an explosion
The silences are gone
Rage replaced them
Anger and spite fill its spaces
The silences?
They simply left,
With me

Valentine's day for a feminist?
Is it really taking the pish?
She's far too busy burning her bra to bother opening her cards.
Send her flowers, if you dare and hope they aren't Nigerian
Fields of blooms tended to, by oppressed enslaved women you stupid fool.
Chocolates is another risky venture because she's environmently friendly!
She likes orangutans more than you and palm oil harvests just not good.
So think before you send her flowers, you could end up disembodied or at best like Morrisey
and not daffodils shoved where the sun ain't been.
Chocolates are far to risky and cards could lead to fists of furry.
As for **** underwear or things that buzz that are just for her?
Send her them if you dare and god forbid don't ask her to wear them.
She will tie you up with pantyhose ram the tickler up your nose
The handcuffs may become of use, to keep you still as she gets her shovel!
So on the 14th don't take a risk
Say **** all and just play safe
Just smile and don't go anywhere near
Where other fools once tried and paid dear
For under her patio there is still space, that puts a smile on the feminists face.

If I disappear after this you know where to look

The first time I asked myself what I was doing, was the first time I stopped lying to myself.
The second time was harsher a blow because I had not learnt from my first question.
The question was asked time and again until I stopped asking it.
I was then lost.
For no matter how many times I asked now, the answer had no relevance.
I was no longer there.
I could not rememer me.

I sat and watched her with her new bucket and *****
In her mind building a fairy palace
Adorned with cocked shells
The walls around it to keep the ocean at bay
Then feathers collected placed as flags upon its towers
A day I'll remember a lifetime

I beseech you
Take a moment
Tomorrow morning
Begin your adventure
Don't delay
Stop!

Look around
Look up
Look at the architecture
You pass it each day
It's splendor it's majesty

For you must see
Adventure starts when you do
Not when the plane lands
Not when the ship docks

Look at the trees, their leaves
Floating in the breeze
Grass, imagine it between your toes
Nothing feels the same

Walk on the beach, close your eyes
You could be anywhere
Be where you wish to be

Look at the familiar faces
But take notice of them this day
Look, smile be a part of their day
You see it could be their last or yours

What if today was the last
It could be the one, the only chance
So don't take chances with your chance

Be Livingstone! Find your quest
Don't try to see over the rainbow
Lie beneath it stare in awe at its colours
For you have the world all around
It's within, it is your adventure

Begin

Laces untied,  boots slipped off
Shirt unbuttoned and cast aside
Belt unbuckled and trousers dropped
The day now ended ******* alone
Boxers and socks left upon floor
The shower relieves the day before
For all see you smile and presume of your life
None knowing you're alone each night
Step out refreshed a towel to your face
No conversation alone in your space
Dry and ready to climb into bed
No lover to hold only cold emptiness
Try as you might to say its ok
Being alone is never the way
For millions of souls share in this state
As we find it so hard to find the right one
To come home and love when our day is done

My heart is overgrown with climbers and ivy of lovers gone.
My heart is overgrown with the leaves and branches left behind
As they grew and rooted themselves inside
But when they left, they left behind rotting roots and voids of black and damp
For whenever a love that grew so withers nothing good remains within us

One in a cast of millions
One that was a little more
One that held the info
One that knocked at the door
One that wasn't wasted
One that wasn't killed
One that wasn't spat
One that wasn't swallowed
One tonsils didn't pass
One that had a future
One boy or a girl
One who was the strongest
One who made the grade
One spermatazoa
One is all it takes

Love doesn't fall apart as it ages
It isn't like a building but none the less needs maintenance
We often strangle it with expectation or smother its voice.
It isn't alive and yet we must feed it.
It has no conscience and yet we scold it with angry words.
It has no substance at all and yet can be poisoned.
There is no structure to it, no plan.
Though we treat it as a building, a temple or shrine.
It collapses without a sound but the screams are deafening.
When love is done it doesn't walk away like a wounded animal to die alone.
It is euthanized by some, executed by others but always killed by one.
So what of love, Is it real
Is it yours or mine or ours?
Is it stolen, loaned or cheated?
However you obtain it remember to nurture it or like any living thing...
It will die.

When you are young you don't ask
the beautiful ones for fear of rejection.
So seldom would you ever end up with the right one.
Your soul mate.
When you are older you are so scared of making a mistake you either won't date, or date once and run,
or end up after few dates in bed and find out it's so not who or what you thought.
As we age we build a facade like make up I guess.
He wanted heels she wanted Bob the builder.
She wanted all she never had.
He wanted peace and all he had imagined.
  Do we ever really say what we mean.

He saw her
Not knowing her depth
Fascinated by her face
Oblivious to her wilds
He begged to meet her
An image he had
Was it reality
Oh but reality was so much more
But was he ready for it
Love beyond physicality
A passion that he had never known
And may..
Never understand

The view from the foxhole, down the rabbit hole
They say life is a series of moments. Some pivotal some fleeting. The fear in a childs eyes, the despair in the dying, the hope in a birth.
But those moments may happen decades apart. The irony is a single event can play them back all in parallel, simultaneously in a nano second, like a high voltage shock, trigured by anything. Something as simple as looking in a mirror or the sound of a childs cry. Thus it is little wonder sometimes people can just overload and snap. Fall into that mirror, that eternally looped moment. More disrurbing is you may be the trigger, or the stop by a simple word or action.

Oh tell me please what are its words
Is it a lexicon all its own
A hidden text for a dusty professor
Or is it in the letters of Antoinette

The language of love is none of them
A look, a glance and so it begins
A brush of skin a glimpse of thigh
Many oh many triggers catch the eye

For her it could be the way he smiles
Or how he treats others in her sight
His scent could be the catalyst  
That elevate him on her list

Flowers, texts and night calls
comunication seats it all
You make the bond and all is well
But wait! now it goes to hell

For familiarity  breeds content
It also makes a lover forget
Forget to hug her every night
Or kiss her neck when out of sight

The things we used to do each day
Seem slowly now to fade away
You wake one day and wonder who
Is this man who lives with you

Now you see with different eyes
Is she the one that once was mine
One or other starts to stray
Loves language lost
No words to say

Three notes define the entrance and none the exit.
A message sent to you and only you alone. Do you open it now or leave it to later.
If it was important would they not have called?
A modern dilema we all bought into.
We became slaves to our own devices.
So do the three notes define us or command us?
Is it now to late to save us from
ourselves?

Eyes heavy now as the day comes to a close
The days tailcoats snagged on the evenings last light
My thoughts random, yet calm as the night invites me
I lye alone no comfort in my bed, save the moments captured in memory or the visions in imagination.
Some vivid, some hazed often slowed as my mimd savours the pleasures of the senses.
The voices of the day spill over into the night
I hear the soft voice, reading to me and picture ruby lips, their folds and creases giving flight to words.
Soothing my passing to sleep whispering now, as if to kiss my consciousness goodnight.
Then the voice fades, memories slip away and I am left alone.
Alone imagining, wondering.
Is that perfume I smell?
Can the mind really do this.
Am I alone? Or held in the arms of another far away. Do they hold me in their bed, alone, yet together.
Do they lye entwined, peaceful, as one yet not.
Are we ever alone with our thoughts
Our emotions seperated from consciousness and dreams
I hope not
Do you?

I am not here to paint the dawn the colours you require each day
Nor can I make the breeze gentle enough to cool you on a summers day
I can't make a peach taste just right or the dress you want two shades lighter and a little longer
I can't fix all that is wrong in your life by putting a plaster made of dollar bills over the imaginary wound
For if you wake each day thinking somebody today will fix it all
Then you will go to sleep each night with all the same expectations and nothing to show for the day
But it's ok
There is always Starbucks

There he goes again in the shadow of mine eyes,
just in periphery always out of sight.
He watches every moment and never leaves me be.
He's an unwelcome companion who won't leave me be.
He won't leave me be and  I can't hunt him down,
Or pay another to make him leave town.
You see you can't see him you don't know he's there,
he's my black dog not yours to share.
So only I see him and only sometimes when he wrestles and messes with parts of my mind.
I know you don't see him and that's ok but try to remember he won't go away.
You may have a black dog that no other can see.
Tell us about it and help us to see.

Fit to burst and burning inside
Thoughts of harm and despair all the time.

Reach out they say. If only I could.
Why tell the world I've had enough?

Read it on Facebook and Instagram too and twitter to make sure they all knew
But what's the point? None can help, when you're living in your mental hell.

So say nothing,
Smile,
Carry on,
They won't know until I'm gone.

I thought by now things would be better but it's like yesterday replays only darker and worsens.

Alone and cold, walking in shame as you didn't fit in to this human game

So some pills or a bridge, oh the sea looks inviting! Will it stop all this pain if I leave the world quietly?

Death becomes you I heard her say as she watched me shed this mortal coil
Lifeless carcass upon the bed eyes open stare to space.
The poison had done all its work and now to leave this crowded earth.
Year upon year weary and worn in effort to destroy my living soul.
Thou almost did it, killed me off with mental poison but you could not
Fot the spirit is stronger than your vile heart
So today I'LL LIVE!
You can *******

Is there one thing you would change?
One day
One act
One missed opportunity
Would it make all the difference
Would it change where you are now
Would it change what you have become
Will it make you a better person or simply
What would it make worse...........
Be careful what you wish for

Life is a game some say
Well games have rules don't they?
Do we simply play with people?
With or against?
Is that the all of our existence?
Do we try to win?
Win what? Love? Money? Position? Just what?
In doing so, with each win, we loose.
To believe different reveals a fool.
The best we can ever hope to achieve is life without fear.
Fear of loss, hunger, poverty, loneliness, hurt and emotions many.
Be it selfishly of with others empathy.
Know when you play this game, and roll the dice, move your piece, change your position in this life.
Tell your story, play YOUR game, choose a side or shy away.
Remember this and this alone.
The game will end, when is beyond your control.
All you have done, achieved, lost or found, loved, desired, or craved, wanted or needed, shouted or screamed for or just remained silent over.
It's all gone, because this was never your game
We're only players each the same
Rolling the dice
Again and again
Again
And
Again

Well you can't polish a ****!
No matter how hard you try
Nor can you hold the clean end
Go ahead if you like
What am I trying to say?
I'm trying to make you see
No matter what you try to do
All you get is me

The smell of a womans freshly washed hair
When a woman leans back knowing you are there
The scent of perfume on her neck
When she has dressed to go out but has dressed only for you
When she cries and smiles at the same time
Hugs you and melts into you
When you watch her sleep and pray to a god you don't believe in that she wakes tomorrow
When she touches you in a crowd as though you are the only two people in the universe
When all you imagine all day is comimg home to them as much as they do you
Feeling bad because you said something you didn't mean because you both had a bad day
Wishing you were somewhere else
All these little things

They do not grow old
Make up does not weary them
The school girls on tour
Thirty years later
Like it was yesterday
Hear the playground screams
They never dressed like that though
Heels and seams
Wine flows like fizzy drinks
In the curry comes
The laughter now raucus
Inhibitions gone
The food is gone the wine as well
Lets go to a bar
Tie one there as well
Lipstick gets smeared
Speech gets obtuse
The laughter is louder
The women are lose!
Joking and messing like kids at heart
Tomorrow the headache
Will be just the start!!

I sat drinking wine
The world oblivious to our presence, save for a curious Fox.
He stood watching little red ridding hood and the wolf.
They missed the sunset, yet the moon's rise over the twin towers and laughter seemed far more precious.
They watched a lone star over a village and joked that the three wise men wouldn't turn up there!
I looked in her eyes and saw so much love.
I also saw so much sadness.
It was as though I had known her a lifetime yet met a stranger.
I just wanted to tell her it would all be ok.
I doubt she would have believed me.
Then as though they had done something wrong they  packed up the remnants of a feast and headed for Home
That was a night to remember

There are places that you can sit and only hear the wind tumbling the sand or the leaves rustling.
They are places of great solace and immeasurable calm.
We each have our own.
When you share such a place you share a part of you, and in doing so exchange a memory.
For that place will never be the same to you.. Or them.

Almost yet not
Within grasp
Yet not holding
With but without
Almost is nothing
The lost

Night falls and sent with it the angst of insomnia.
Worn out yet awake, weary yet unable to dream.
How cruel the mind is in its games.
Games the mind plays.
Images in fantasy of a woman not here and yet imagined.
Not kissed or held this night but possessing the thoughts of a man
The mind in turmoil from one task to another none finished all awash and all agitated
Morn arrives as sleep hastens, life is upside down in so many ways

Day upon day the madness of living infects our every action
Viral in its encompasment of our souls
If only we could step back
Regroup
Think
Act
Absorb
Then maybe it would mean more
Till then
Madness