There it left me
shredded
bleeding
sinning
not thin like you wanted me to be anymore
not quiet like you commanded me to be
not submissive anymore
coming more into me more
and if i am the sinner in your eyes
than so be it
but no matter
how much you try you can't ever erase me
from your world
for
I am your first born daughter
the truth teller
the scapegoat
I was the golden child
at one point
too.

But I saw the truth lying there
and I left
Tredged my feet to move 6000 miles away
from the hell on earth
sometimes like days like  today,
I cry so much about it
for had I stayed in america
my life would've been so different
I am lucky
I am able to look back on my blessings
Admist deep darkness
and I am learning how to find the me
beyond the addictions the pain
the numbness
and to give grace
that I am clean
and that I am working towards
the best things for me
the past serves as a reminder
but it doesn't need to define us anymore.

And with that she slips on her heels
dances with glee
and dissapears into the moonlight.

Its like suddenly
I'm crying
I'm crying for the girl
who gave all her love
out on a platter
to her brothers
to her parents
to her friends
but they never gave it back to me.

suddenly I'm four again
and I'm sitting on my floor
eyes wide open with amusement
staring at the mold cracks in my walls
and ceiling
at the green peeling paint
and the lady bugs crawling through
one lands on me as  I squeal in delight
in so much joy
I think that was one moment of joy in my childhood
that I can recall amongst a few.

I seem to be remembering
so many things
and not how I wanted to remember them,
in sugar coated ways.

To try to numb out the deep pain
but to actually remember
the pain,
as it hits me like knives in the back.

Maybe that's why till this day
my back and my entire body
aches with pain,

as if remembering all of the times
she was left,
alone abandoned
rejected hurt
cast aside
abused and mutilated
just for trying to be alive.

Remembering the times
that playtime
was used as torture and pain
and seemingly innocent things
were twisted feteshized
and sexualized,

for so long
I wanted to be a boy
but it wasn't because I wanted to be one,
I was very happy and content in my girly ways and things
it was because of living under so much oppression
garnered by so many men and abusive women
who also garnered oppression and misogyny
was so deep ,
that the self that I was,
wanted to be dead
rather than live alive.

But now I am choosing
to slowly and painfully,
choose to love myself even
if its a tiny tiny sliver of love,
admist the shrouds of pain.

I am trying gasping
Admist my addictions,
to love myself,
and not shame myself any longer
just for being me.

raw
I hug myself
I do the daily practice
of checking my stomach in the mirror
wishing that I just didn't care anymore
trying not to hate my body
I grew from  a size zero to a size 10
I wish that I could say that I accept it
and that I love it
I have moments where I feel pretty or okay sometimes
but usually not
usually I hear my mom's voice in my head plaguing me
telling me" how ugly and provacative I am "in my head
and my brother shouting how" fat  masculine and ****** I am "
and how no man would ever want me
I know hypothetically maybe its not true
but what hurts even more
is living in a country
where people around me
are even thinner than the ones that  I grew up
with,
that's the average ,
its the normal
so wherever I am
I feel like the whale
it hurts it bleeds inside
I just wanna dissapear
I don't want to be someone's side chick
or someone's plan b
I want to be their first choice
I guess I wanna see my own beauty
I wanna love myself more
and I wanna have that true love
that I have dreamed about since I could breathe
because I didn't receive much of that
thing called love where I am from
I mostly just recieved hate and torture
disguised as love
with people who would use the world love
and use it as a weapon
as a dagger to stab into your side
and say well it's "just because
I love you so much !"
well to me that never felt like love
not sure what it feels like from another human
but I know that animals give love
nature gives love
and children are love.
this is what I know.
This is all that I know.

I look at my student
and she literally looks like me
the same as I looked
when the abuse in my life
started
all i want to do
is hug this child and tell her
that I love her
I know it's not me
But I see so much of me in her
when i hug my student
I feel like
I am hugging myself
she is so quiet
with beautiful eyes
I told her that her eyes are beautiful
and she said
why I said because you are...
I believe children are so so healing
and such amazing souls!

She asks me in a word
AM I okay ?
The way I am?
Do we have to continue to hide who we truly are ?
is it safe to be who we truly are ?!!!
or do we have to continue people pleasing?
do we have to continue to have no boundaries??

no my darling we get to have boundaries
standards
and to be our authentic self
to be brought into the world
through acts of violence
peace is choosing ourselves
through acts of kindness
through the acts of saying no
and saying delightful fk yeses!

You make me
wanna write poems about you
You have been on my mind for so so long
probably because you were honestly
one of the most handsomest men
I've ever met in my life
that was so so my type
and the funniest thing was
that at the time
I never realized that
We met in Jerusalem
I thought you were gay
because you were so beautiful
the most gorgeous hair
the most beautiful eyes
that I could get lost in
forever
the most beautiful  earrings
we sat on the bed
in your room with all your plants
and pleasured me
I dream of you all the time
we sat on my bed and spoke about
concioussness in hebrew
it seemed fluent on my tongue
when I was with you
I held your curls close to my face
carrassed your hair
stared into your eyes
with lashes so long
you walked to me barefoot
and asked me how you looked
and I told you handsome
you are always so handsome I said
it seemed fate brought us togehter
how weird that was.

You told me how beautiful I was
and that you didn't need anything from me
just to hold me and kiss me
maybe it was because eventhough
you were probably a bit of a player
you showed me that a man can be
romantic sweet and a pretty boy
who is deep
and that people like you exist
so I don't know what this poem is about
but I wander about you
so much
I hope maybe we will meet again
in another metaverse
or down the streets of Florentine
or Dizengoff Telaviv
I wander what that would be like
I love the pretty boys
I try to convince myself
that I am always just gay
but I gotta admit
I love the pretty boys
the ones who are deep kind
have a great fashion sense
and love to strum a guitar
the men that I was always taught not to like
that they weren't "man" enough
but to me they are
because I think real men are kind
loving sweet and beautiful .

I think found is
a state of seeing the
grass around me
staring at the sky
at the birds flying above me
being a teacher
and watching the children's
eyes light up when they see me
to feel that I am making the world a little
bit better
than I found it
to add some more light into a place of darkness
to start to accept myself love myself more
to start to like looking in the mirror sometimes
to start to realize that I was never the problem
I always sought out situations with people
who were very low class
in the way they viewed the world
in the crass horrific way they treated people
and in the drugs they used
maybe the problem was never me
all along
maybe I was a gem
hidden for so long
a diamond in the rough
maybe I am better than I imagined
viewing my life
as if a passerby
someone else stares back at me
with those soulful eyes
as I chatter back in Hebrew
a language  almost as old as time itself
I feel a familarity
in the air
maybe its a sense of coming home
coming home
to the child inside of me
who tells me that she now feels happy
sometimes
who tells me how sad but releaved she feels
how I remember more and more
I feel even more determined
to protect these babes
in the ways that I never was
to tell them that they are beautiful
smart and kind
as if I am telling that to myself
because I am
a cold heart
can melt away
and turn into a feeling one
it just takes time
as she takes a deep breath
and sighs and says
hmm yes healing takes time
and sometimes many many breakdowns
and healing many fears to get there
for the only way out is through.
Maybe the darkness
doesn't need to last forever
when we learn to heal our own darkness
and to learn to listen to ourselves
so deeply and so purely
to believe that we are so worthy
and than we are shown
that we are
and always were so worthy
for I was always trying to find me
and maybe the me
was always there all along
for we are always love deep down
for when you see children
they are love
and when we see animals and  nature
they are love
they are what gives me love
happieness and joy
I believe if we all learn how
to return to that state
the world will be more of a utopia
so for now all I have is myself
and the beating fire of my heart
that I am so happy
that I am still alive
still standing in my body
and with my eyes
that have seen so so much
in this life
for I feel so so old
ancient almost
but still ever ever so young
and filled with more hope
than I have in a very very long time
for it feels as if my heart is starting to beat
slowly once again.