It's not that I can't keep you,
But I am not certain if I'll ever be
Kept By all of you.
I reach out and turn to a different boulevard
Because all I want is to be in the same home as you.
I know we're family but I feel as an in law who is
Resented by all and too oblivious to surrender.
Maybe I'm too happy to be surrounded
And that's why I laugh the loudest.
Perhaps my ways are different so you all
Take turns keeping an eye out on me.
The clock turns to night and
People get in their pairs and walk out the door.
My eyes fill with tears as I am last to leave.
I love hearing "see you again" but I pray
To God and heaven I'll never hear
"Party's over".
If I hear that, it will be of my foolishness.
I have not, so I graciously leave the room
And walk alone to Backward Circle.
Perhaps I'm never going to walk on Forward Ave with all of you.
But I know you walk the avenue,
Together,
Without me.
If I join,
We will only end up
On the streets of
Falling out.
So you can go
Without me.

Waking up from
Chaotic dreams and restless
Bothersome Thoughts,
Out my bedroom window
There fly some little blue jays
All around the tree and feed off
Our grass.
I went to bed in anger
Then woke up to this.
Everything will be ok
In the end.
Hard changes are coming
About though the birds
Are my motivation to
Seize the day.
Perhaps a coincidence or
A sign from the lord above,
We know everything
Will be
Ok.

I walked without despair
perfectly fine on my own.
You came along out of nowhere
and joined me.
I let you in and there we became
the best of friends.
I learned so much about you
though your methods seemed
very frightening.
The knives you kept for
your sacred punishment,
the boys you slept with
that you found on the streets,
and the crying and whining
because he didn’t love you anymore.
How did I ever become your
miracle worker?
I walk out on you and suddenly
everyone
we knew
was infuriated with
me.
My moving on and saying I was done
taking care of you and your needs
turned me into a
monster.
What you needed but was not there
was later granted to you
as your wish.
You hoped that I would come back
and apologize and never
give you the business again.
Washing their brains thinking
you were this sweet girl who
knew how the world worked.
I’m sorry,
you did not.
That is all I feel bad for you.
Used me and manipulated,
I was depressed and in rage for you.
Looking back now that I am done
and you have not at all changed.
You needed me to be the one to
hold you and guide you.
In the end, you got it all through me.
Perhaps I was no friend but
your own personal
shooting star.
Granting every wish on your
demand.

Some won't live a lie,
then they won't say what
makes them not willing
To learn.
Living in a glass house
and throwing stones
hippocracy is the way
For some to let go and
Never be pushed around
Again.
Why would you
Look at one the way
The one looked at you?
Speak down to one
Just so they can see the
Superhero in your eyes.
You love to hear yourself talk
you smirk while you listen.
You're not listening at all.
So the controlling one,
You prove your frustration
And desperate need.
The more you force,
The less you're respected
And loved.
How will you ever learn
What is important in
Life?

Glimpse of the moon

Need a little reassurance
and maybe just one more guitar
chord to learn and know.
Blowing out the candles
Every year making a wish yet
Asking,
Is this how it's going to be?
Life is filled with different beginnings
as every birthday is filled with different
drinks poured into red solo cups,
then bottles,
then diamond champagne glasses.
What will be different when I wake up
to a new style in life?
Will I or my guitar be in good condition?
Still I walk outside in the dark listening
to music soothing into my veins.
In the gray night sky
a glimpse of the moon is plenty for me
to look down at my strides,
and see my shadow.
Darkened image of my body that
may have changed as well as me,
so the shadow says to me and the world,
I'm here and living for now on,
and there are new songs to write and play.
Change is brutal in the beginning,
but needed in the end.
Amen

I thought it happened
I don’t remember how many
years ago.
It plays like an old record
and then I’m in rage
throwing rocks at
the oven and tearing books
in half.
I now remember when it was,
it was a memory of
my high school days when
I failed and almost didn’t
graduate.
Verges and fears,
memories and mediation,
morality and reality,
****
it all.
Remembering how the door
was slammed in my face
because someone didn’t
get their way.
Looking back to the locker room
where every leader standing
only to hear themselves talk.
Listen!
Hear this from me,
you won’t regret listening.
Be the great person you
want to be and
shut the hell
up about it.
Every moment is someone
elses bad memory.
You looked at me then
and saw the most insecure
little thing.
Look at me now and
see the most angry and
Idiotic person in the
world.
Trying to move past,
trying to let it all be gone,
what if it happens again?