I am scarred.
Can you see?

I am weeping.
Can you hear?

I am hurting
Can you feel it?

I am sorry
Can you forgive me?

I am not
okay
Can you tell?

I am
                   dying
Can you help me?

I am asking nicely
Please?

This world we live in is chaotic and messy,
and yet we expect ourselves to be composed and perfect?

How could we, when we ourselves are individual complex worlds that follow the same principles of the wider world.

How, if we are the monomers of this complex structure and therefore share its qualities -
No,
Give it its qualities.

For we are chaotic and messy
And apart of something much greater than ourselves.

So don't be so rigid,
Its not in our nature.

Just be.

Tonight, I met again with the waxing crescent
hanging lowly and gently in the night sky.

Nearby, a confident small star twinkled
"See me,
See my beauty,
One that can compare to that of your great moon."

I look, and see
That this star had made its mark in the night
Marking it like the mole on your face.

Its not much next to your eyes or lips or smile
Or the wondrous mysterious moon.

But still, this small star made the great night
Just that much more beautiful.

I constantly crave the feeling of loving
Because, when I do,

My heart sparks in my chest
Like Poprocks in my mouth.

The tiny explosions of love satisfy my sweet tooth just right
And has me feeling that untouchable, wild spirit of a sugar-loaded kid.

But, like all Poprocks, the pops slow and the candy dissolves
Leaving me with the remnants of its sweetness.

Tears
Headaches
Homework for hours
Trying so hard
Just to be heard

Trying to make friends
Trying to be social
So difficult when your not normal
The things you have to tell yourself
To keep yourself together
"It's okay
Your okay
Everything's okay"
All lies

Concerned looks from your mother
As you say that yes, today was the same
You can tell she's trying not to cry
Guilty

Procrastination
Lack of motivation
Working so hard for this presentation
And for everything else
Even when it all gets deleted in my head immediately after

The crowded hallways
You can barely squeeze your way through
They're so loud
And full of people
Most yelling
Some banging on lockers
Jammed
Like my head

Painted spirals on the wall
Not as real as mine

The death date I assigned to myself when I was
what, 10 years old?
I told myself I would die one way or another.

Most likely by my own hands.

Because I had no purpose here.
Because I was too weak for this world.
Because the pain and weight were too much.
Because nobody seemed to care all that much.
Because those who had only cared for the false parts of me.
Because those who truly had didn't want to live either.
Because I was tainted by those who were thought to have cared.
Because it was the only way to be truly free.

I would play pretend to be adults with my "boyfriend".
Would play dance with knives and needles on my arm.
Would make candy out of painkillers.
Would imagine myself to be Icarus when meeting with high ledges, flying then
                                falling.
Would dream about that date,
01/04/2026.
My 16th birthday.

No 10 year old should be doing that,
I don't think.