He sees the baby giggle—
but not the hours I spend unraveling,
shaking and trembling all the time,
shushing a child while screaming inside,
wondering if I’ll ever feel like me again.

He turns on the TV, drink in hand,
free to zone out, escape,
while I pick up the pieces of a day
he barely notices.
He gets to choose what part of parenting fits him—
the cuddles, the milestones,
the moments that photograph well.
I live in the in-between,
in the quiet, soul-crushing maintenance
of keeping everything from falling apart.

I suffer in silence,
drowning in a thousand small chores
that no one counts but me—
laundry folded,
bottles washed,
emotions swallowed.

He sees freedom as a drink and a show
and a night out with friends but
I see it as five minutes
in the bathroom
with the door shut.

He sees me as the mother—
but not the woman I used to be,
the one who danced,
who laughed too loud,
who wasn’t always
tired and tender and invisible.

He doesn’t see the postpartum fog
that still clings to my skin,
the intrusive thoughts I battle daily—
uninvited shadows
whispering worst-case fears
while I am feeding the baby
smile through the ache,
keep going anyway.

When he lifts a finger,
he is praised—
a “great dad.”
When I do the same
a hundred times over,
it’s just expected.
It’s my duty.
It doesn’t even register.

Even my basic needs
have become luxury now
I can’t remember the last time I showered
I forget to eat
when I am feeding the child
and
I scroll thru my past life-
that I no longer feel part of,
watching the world thru a window
that I cant open.

Some days, I want to disappear—
not for drama, not for revenge,
but because I’m so tired
I can’t see the edge from the middle.
I think about dying.
And then I see his face—
my baby’s face
and think what would he do without me
and I stay!
Even when its so hard to.

He doesn’t see that
this love, this labor,
has cost me pieces of myself
no one ever asked about.

But I see it.
I feel it in my bones.
And one day,
I hope that I will be more than just what’s expected.
I will be whole again.
And I won’t need anyone to see me
to know that I matter.

Once upon a time
there were these two beautiful creatures
A Fish and A Bird.
They met where the water meets the sky
The Horizon!
He waited at the surface
And she circled above.
They reached and touched
but
she couldn’t hold water
and he couldn’t breathe air
So they dreamed..
Dreamed of living in the middle ..
Middle of the sky and ocean
But little did they know
there is no middle between
the sky and the sea ..
so they said goodbye
without saying it and
kept loving from afar, from a distance!

When you were my Yes;
In a world full of Nos
You were the only calm I knew
Before I knew how it felt to lose,
You were the open sunny skies
Before I knew the cold winter
The way we stitched stars to our dreams…
And the way you didn’t have to ask my heart
I just recognized it on my own!
Our love was so loud..
Wild and fierce and untamed..
but It could not get louder than the voices…
the voices I was raised to obey..
and voices built cages to tame its flame
which is why the fire dimmed….
And even when I walked away
It broke me in pieces where noone could see!
And ever since I have worn silence;
I have worn silence like second skin
But you have lived in every quiet that I entered
Memories of you crawl to me
They find me in my every breath
They find me in my shadow
and just like that
I carry you like my breath
which I dont know to exhale-
I am just an endless tide pulled trembling to your hidden shore.

When I said I hated you,
I was begging myself to believe it.
Because loving you
when you no longer loved me
felt like standing in a storm,
waiting for a door that would never open.

I didn’t want to let go—
God, I didn’t.
But you had already left,
with your silence, your distance,
your eyes that stopped looking at me
like I was home.

So I said the only words
that could keep my heart
from crawling back to you:
I hate you.

But what I meant was:
Please, don’t go.
What I meant was:
I love you still, and I don’t know how to stop.

I wish you knew
how hard I try to seem okay.
How I laugh with people
but feel the emptiness echo back.
How I say I’m over you,
then break when your favorite song plays
in the middle of a crowded room.

I miss you—
every single day,
in ways I can’t admit out loud.
In the space beside me in bed,
in the way I still check my phone
hoping for a name
that won’t ever appear again.

You were my forever.
And I let you go
because I thought I had no choice.
Because I was too proud
or too scared
or maybe too late.

And if there’s one truth I carry now,
it’s this:
I didn’t stop loving you.
I only stopped saying it.

Maybe in another life,
I’ll be braver.
Maybe you’ll stay.
Maybe we’ll meet again
without wounds, without fear—
just love.

But if this is all there is,
if this life is the only one we get,
then know this:
I never stopped choosing you—
even when I had to walk away.

Love doesn’t mean
I stay broken where you left me.
You were that winter storm
and now that the skies are clear
I am unshaken
unremoved,
reborn from the wreckage.
Your words?
They pierced
and they were stuck with me for a
long time.. but;
I have let go of it all,
the ache, the hope
the thousand what ifs
that chained me to your ghost
I have dropped it all
like dead weight from my shoulders :)
I have burned the bridges
drowned the ashes
and salted the ground
where your shadow lingered.
Your hatred?
It used to crack the walls inside me,
Now it just brushes past
like wind against stone
I don’t flinch
I don’t feel
This is not rage
but this is just absence
You are nothing in my chest now
no flicker, no flame
just frost on a name I don’t say anymore!
I do not glance back
Not for a memory
Not for a may be
Not the girl I used to be
when I still flinched at your name.
I have left you behind- forever,
No pause, No softness, No Glimpse.

Our song..
We listened together…
It still knows our name
It remembers everything
The way you looked at me
The way we debated..
which right turn to take!
The way we sang it together
and now when I listen to it
its like
its trying to pull your ghost out of me.

First line..
Takes me back to the car
Your hands on the wheel
my hands on your lap
Second line?
I feel sick
So sick.. not even in a poetic way
but
like I need to lie down
before those memories claw thru my body
and spill me to the floor!

You are not here
but this song is
It has stayed with me
like this stain
that I dont want to get rid of
like a wound
that hurts
but I don’t want it to heal
and this wound it hums
the way you used to breathe beside me.

I keep replaying this song
Like an idiot
Because I want this wound to hurt
Because part of me keeps thinking
If I bleed enough thru these words
you’ll crawl back in this bridge.

But, may be you never will
May be I never will…
May be we never will!

Until then
its the same chorus
the same words
the same echo
those memories …
the same ache so loud that
it makes me dizzy!

I hate this song
I hate it so much
It makes me miss you so bad
To a point
that I am nauseous …:

And yet,
I replay it
Again!

Remember when we were wild and free with
those many dreams to chase..
So unfraid and so untamed
Ready to take over what comes through life?

But then you arrived…
with your small hands curling in ours…
With soft breaths and whispers
Your tiny little hands and feets..
Soft touches and snifles…
You looked at us like we were your everything
And at that moment may be we knew..
Love was no longer just about us!

So, Since then
We learnt the quiet language of sacrifice
exchanging our untamed dreams
for dreams of your better tomorrow..
Exchanging our late night laughters
for those lullabies of yours…
trading our outside lives once for all
for the inside rhythms of home…

We softened…
We stayed quiet even when our temperatures flared..
We learnt to let go of things..
Of things that once bothered us so much…
We let go of battles that once defined us
No,  not because we stopped feeling
but because
you were always watching!

Between our silences,
We built something enduring
It is may be not that of a perfect world..
But in this world,
We learnt to let go few pieces of ourselves
So that you’d never have to carry that weight;
Weight of our unmet desires…
And
We learnt not to lose ourselves
but to make room for you!

And may be one day when you are grown,
You’ll just get it..
That sometimes love is not just about winning..
Love is always not reckless, not wild..
But rather very difficult…
Thats why even when we are struggling
We choose to stay again and again!
Because when we look at you…
We see the reason
We make room for love in a different way!