Just throw me over
And I'll call it my sweet surrender
From the pain that has held me frozen for far too long
How fitting to finally become one with the icy cold December

The water is up to my lips
Greeting me with a kiss that’s jet blue and black
It floods my lungs and engulfs my veins
But I've dealt with worse attacks

Just swimming in a pool of past sin
I have nothing left to conceal
Completely numbed by the sea
I'm glad I can no longer feel

There's nothing you can do now
I've already fought my battle
I kicked and screamed
But in the end I was far too fragile

Oh here I go
Sinking towards the center
I've never felt so alive
Than in my dear sweet surrender

I’m one foot out the door and both feet over the edge
I’m an inch away from out of my mind and ******* it this hurts

I’m in limbo in between being myself and being a mess
And I’m never one or the other

I’m twisted in knots and tangled in sheets thrown over the remains of my personhood

And I’m not making any sense
I’m not making anything, not a sound, not a living

I’m statistical noise. Affordably omitted from any rational decision

I’m not a rational decision anyone would make

I wouldn’t make the choice of making me again but I guess it was never my choice anyways

I’m hovering in the space in between saying you’re okay and meaning it
On the precipice of feeling human without actually feeling it at all

Someone please push me
Over the edge that I’m slowly edging closer to

Someone just pull me back

Just push me

I step out of the shower as
Steam rises off of my cold wet body.

Standing there. Naked.
I catch my own reflection in the mirror.
I feel shy, almost embarrassed.
This is who I am.

I dress in the soft white towel from the rack.
Feeling slightly warmer already.

Next are the undergarments.
Perhaps today is the day.
It will happen soon enough.
Just wishing I’d feel the same as before.

Jeans and a light cotton shirt today.
I laugh, remembering what he said
In class the other day.
Maybe I was that clever too.

Sweater.
Now I’m in the middle.
Directing the whole video now.
Still wanting to be in that towel.

Reach for the coat.
Now, I am untouchable.
No one can understand
The possibilities of my mind.
I can’t let them.

And out the door, I go dressed as such.

Is in the shower.
Curtained off, it's the one room that actually
Washes away the pains from your face.
Salty, bitter drops of time spent unwisely,
Fall down to the drain at your feet.
Disappear.

Cut off from everyone else
Surrounded by those who would listen,
Protect you from being heard.
They softly plink against the glass and your body just the same.
There is no judgment here. No.
Not in this room.

And that's what comforts you the most.
That this imaginary room is the one place you can let it all out.
Spill your darkest secrets to the linoleum
Knowing it will only echo your thoughts.

Not loud enough for anyone to hear
Over the rushing water.
No. You're safe there.
And that's why.

The reason you are able to come out of it all
Looking as if nothing had ever happened.
Knowing that,
Once you step out of the warmth and into the cold air
Into the bigger room,

No one will ever know
That you secretly cry.

Flowing black gossamer
Lays thin over a
Well-worn life.
Today is a beautiful one.

Gliding past the street lamps
As they flicker in the presence.
Shapely figures dance
Across the breast to
A soft ballad from above.
Tonight is one to remember.

Brushing strands of corn
Silk from tired eyes.
They glitter with the
Desirable Flame.
Tomorrow will never be forgotten.

Reach for the stars
From the ground below
Earthen creations.
As the dust settles from
Labor, so shall it soon
Dissipate.
Nothing, is forever.

So much anger

And pent up pain

You'd think can

Make you strong again



To turn the one you hate

Into a less-than-mental state

Of a fragile mind

Broken twice too many times



"****" that and "Shove" this

Are the choice beginnings blis-

tering into the scorch of

The scorned Sir or Miss



Even though a simple

"Go to hell" would suffice.




Them, I speak of now

For they always somehow

Manage to get by

And heal, in due time.