Too many bad notes are playing in this chorus,
Too many chords are out of key,
Too many crescendos waiting for us,
But I'll find the tune for you and me.

Black and ivory angels beneath my fingers,
Golden strings are strummed on the harp,
Gentle sounds of the orchestra lingers,
Let me orchestrate the love we need to start.

Fractured notes upon a composition,
Shattered bangs of the tambourine,
Music aids such a haunting disposition,
It's not pure and our love will never be clean.

I've conducted the staccato heartbeat,
Written songs that cure the soul,
As the curtain falls so heavy like concrete,
The masterpiece we made will be whole.

What are you doing? Stop, please just stop!

My conscience is screaming at me,
Throwing itself against the barricades of my mind,
Kicking and punching so violently that my skull throbs with the pain.

But another voice is telling me otherwise
Pull the trigger. Go on, it'll be fun!
I feel the guttural tremors of its laugh ripple through my bones.
Pull the trigger!
My hands start to tremble.
Pull the trigger!
My mouth becomes dry.
Pull the trigger!
Pull it!
Pull it!
PULL IT NOW!

A wave of pressure washes through me,
My ears are ringing,
Pulsing with the cries of a million particles of air hurtling through the sky,
All finding refuge deep in the crevice of my eardrums.
I see the crimson blood on the floor.
What have you done?
My conscience is sobbing.
What have you done? What have they done to deserve this?
Animal
Savage
Murderer

But the voice silences it.
And now I can *really think.
I feel the muscles in my cheeks pull,
But it isn't me,
The voice is controlling the smile that I have on my face.
Well done.
**Now you're mine.

I trace my fingers across my thighs,
Across the tiny slivers of broken lines in my skin
That have left gaping crevices in my memory,
And on my heart.

As my fingers wander,
Travelling from one side to another,
The pale and jagged lines become darker,
Bruised, red, deeper,
Reflecting the pain that I had been burying beneath the sand for so long,
Protecting it from the warmth of the sun,
Hoping it would wither but in fact thrived on the darkness.

This is not what I want.
This is not what I chose.
This is not who I am.

Time will be the antidote,
The ointment that will soothe the aches and pains,
Heal the fears and insecurities that I have locked away in my head,
The medicine that I crave for.

And as time passes I will watch the bruising fade,
I will watch the red turn to a delicate pink shade,
I will watch the haunting depths of my pain rise and dissolve,
Into thin air.

To be willing to heal is to be strong,  **but to be strong you need have the courage.

Angels are not just souls from heaven who possess wings and a halo,
They not just guardians that have been assigned to us by some spiritual being.

For me, angels are far more real and closer than they seem.
They have more than one identity,
More than one face,
More than one gender,
More than one soul to guide home.

They won't help you win your battles,
But will give you the strength and the ammunition to fight,
They will scream through your soul to your demons if they have to,
Just as long as you have the courage to banish them.

My angels have embodied many forms,
From a young woman whose heart is as bold as the vibrant pink in her hair,
Who has used her own personal suffering and grief to empower herself and everyone around her,
Who has continuously fought her demons and aided the banishment of those who dwell in the people close to her,
Who is braver, stronger and has more love to give than anyone I have ever known.
A heart of a Lion. A soul of a Warrior

To another, a young man who is distant but feels closer than ever,
Who has given me the strength to laugh,
Who has graced me with his strong humour and wit,
Who has never strayed despite the long hours that we spend without communication.
A heart of a child. A soul of a Samaritan

And finally another young woman,
She has given her heart to others,
Who has faced days of rejection,
But still has the ferocity to hold on and keep her head high.
A heart of gold. A soul of a soldier

These angels have helped me
To think again
To speak again
To live again

**And I thank them. I thank them and cherish them. I will always treasure their compassion.

I'm just the fool who carries the load,
Holding all of the baggage with nowhere to go,
Left to handle myself while the people laugh at me,
A one person circus who has no feelings.

Where is my standing ovation?
Can I be offered salvation?

I've cradled your fears but no one will hold me,
Dealing with something that's bigger than me,
Kicking and screaming as you drag me away,
I put up with stress for one extra day,

Now look what has happened again
Imprisoned without a friend

Washed away tears that people have cried,
Over breakups and disputes and people who've lied,
But when I need something  to cope with the pain,
I was beaten and forgotten and bruised with the shame,

Nobody fought for me
*Nobody thought about me

It has been grasped in my fingertips,
The reins that have steered my conscience,
The compass that has guided me through the wilderness
Of myself,
Forests and vast landscapes sculpted by trepidation,
The flowing river of guilt that flows between the cracks
Of my positive façade,
The tables are starting to turn,
The piece of mind I have allowed to dictate my actions
Has shifted towards the edge of a cliff,
Left to plummet to the jagged rocks of my insecurities,
The storm clouds are rolling in from the horizon,
Guttural claps of thunder erupting,
Pulses of lightning striking the last of my happiness,
Shattering it into a million fragile pieces,
Left to burn in the heat of the growing tension
Of my worries,
I'm slipping,
Clinging onto the edge and not looking down,
Not looking down at the twisted fate below
As if I would be staring into the smouldering depths
of hell

I'm too tired to hold on,
I have to let go,
*I have to fall.

I've spent my life thinking where the hell have I been?
Watching days drag on by as I'm stuck in my bed,
It's hard to tell what I have foreseen,
Visions that replay in my head.

Round and round like a spinning wheel,
Over and over again like a song on repeat,
Argued and settled like a deal,
Rising and climbing like a summer heat.

I'm tracking down the trails,
To see where my life has gone without me,
Wasting time and chasing tails,
It's the end of the road I see.

Turning and walking away,
Tracing steps I've already taken,
Going home to start another day,
And start again when my head isn't aching.

These frightening times,
These bad thoughts of mine
I've had a few, because of you.

The late night drinking
And over active thinking,
I've had to do, because of you.

The compulsive lying,
And discreetly crying,
I feel like a fool, because of you.

I've given up eating,
And sleeping and breathing,
Because I'm cruel,

*And it was all because of you.