I'm lost,
There is no sense of direction in the mist,
Clouded judgement,
No compass to point me North,
Sweaty palms,
Blindly wandering through the forest,
I feel their eyes on me,
I can feel the growls tearing from their stomachs,
Teeth bared and poised to ****,
They stalk me in the shadows of the oak trees,
The predators follow their prey,
Ghosts in the dark,

And all they have to do is pounce

All I can do is wait until they catch me

All they will do is tear me apart

But I suppose it's better than to be left in the wilderness of my existence

Just
Let
Me
Go
So
You're
Not
Wasting
Your
Time

Unsettled,
Tossing and turning beneath the covers,
My head filled with empty words,
Deafening silence,
An engine at full speed,
I watch the night pass,
Each second dragging its chains
Through the dark,
Not even the stars can shine their light
And I lay here,
Tears rolling down my face
Because I want them to be free,
To transform the darkness
Into the sunlight,
Watch as the sky bleeds orange sunlight,
A lilac haze,
And although the heavy weight of fatigue
Is pressing down on me,
I feel proud to say that I saw something beautiful,
**I saw the birth of another tomorrow.

When I write,
It is like I am on an adventure,
When I am happy I am drifting down a lazy river,
When I am full of anger I am raging down dangerous rapids,
Crashing into the jagged rocks of my anguish and anxiety
Until finally I reach the river bank and I can rest.

It is like I am scaling Mount Everest,
Each level of creativity is another 100 metres into the sky
Until finally my imagination is at the peak
And my freedom is limitless,
stretching across to the farthest reaches of the horizon

It is like skydiving,
A rush of adrenaline as I plummet towards the ground,
Completely weightless and my mind is racing
Like the air that brushes over my skin
Until I pull the cord and release the parachute,
Safely land on my feet
With a new idea.

It is like a drug,
I am on an all time high,
Hallucinations of what could be,
How something that is far from tangible
Becomes existential,
Then during the come down
I make that dream a reality.

When I write, I feel like myself,
There are too many possibilities
That are still left unmarked on the map of written art.

There's electric in my soul,
A heart full of gold,
Butterflies in my stomach,
Waiting for the free fall,
Because the high is so unbearable,
The ecstasy is all I can think of.

You have to smile,
                     smile,
                     smile,
Like a child,
            child,
            child,
That's how you'll get through life,
Brush off from your shoulders,
All the debris, rocks and boulders,
Of the pain you have carried for so long,
We're slowly getting older,
And don't say I didn't tell ya,
We're getting wiser and stronger.

Live for the moment,
Keep your mind open,
Wake up and forget the coffee,
The energy you need,
Is nature's best caffeine,
Happiness that's sweeter than toffee.

Monday morning,
The beginning of a new week,
A new life
I took the gigantic step
Of coming out,
I didn't feel the need to hide,
To pretend for the sake of society,
I am me,
That's all there is to it.

My family knows,
My friends know,
And I couldn't ask for better people in my life.
I feel like I don't deserve that.
I'm free,
Free to love who I want to love
And the best part is,
Everybody is OK with that.

But I wanted to be treated as I used to,
I still want to be 'just Lewis'
I don't want someone to be friends with me
For the sake of being a 'gay best friend'
I hate that label,
I'm a human, not a novelty
I want to be a best friend for what I do,
Not my sexuality.

The future will be difficult,
But I know I am happier now and will continue to be when tomorrow comes.

The stars look bright tonight. The crisp summer breeze rolled across my bare skin as I lay shirtless beneath the dead oak tree near the lake.  The sky was clear, barely any obstruction from an innocent cloud that travelled down the vast black road that stretched on for eternity. I always loved coming here. So did my father.

It had been four years since he had died. The cause is still unknown. All I remember is the gaping hole in his chest as he... left. So many unanswered questions are lingering in the back of my mind. How did it happen? Who or what had done that to him? Why did it have to happen to him? Why not me? I feared that these questions hung inevitably in the unknown, locked away in a subconscious prison with no means of being bailed out.  Life had to continue though, no matter how unconditionally excruciating the pain may be in my chest when I miss him, no matter how many times I had cried myself to sleep because he wasn’t there to tell me that it will be OK whenever I had night terrors. They started soon after my mother died. I would wake up screaming and writhing in fear. My father would run into my room and bring me close to his chest. He would whisper in my ear “Shh son, it’s OK, nothing will get you. I am here now.  Calm down, you’re safe now.”

After the yelling had stopped he would carry me downstairs and into the garden. The cool air would cause the beads of sweat on my face to tingle. I always loved that feeling. It was the indication that I was back in reality. We would both sit on the grass. Dad would run inside and return carrying a large blanket. He would wrap it around the both of us. It always smelled just like my mother, a faint scent of lavender and honeysuckle. We would then peer into the sky, where dad would show me all of the constellations: Orion, Pegasus, Cetus, and other names that I couldn’t pronounce. “Each of these constellations tells a story, son” he would say to me as I tried to make sense of the jumble of stars that floated in the dark sky, “and one day, when the time comes, I will be up there. One day you will be able to tell your own children my story. All you have to do is simply look to the skies.”

I shook myself free from the painful reminiscence. I am eighteen, these things do not happen anymore. I stood up and stretched, feeling the muscles beneath my skin pull and uncoil. I strolled over to the lake. It was surrounded by thick forest, silhouetted against the black backdrop of the night’s horizon.  Ripples rolled over the surface of the silent lake. The crystal clear water reflected the night sky.  I took off my shoes and socks and dipped my foot into the water. The stars rippled around me. The water was lukewarm, refreshing after the scorching heat of another day that had passed me by. After testing the water I couldn’t resist. I took a few steps back, sprinted forwards and leaped into the air. I crashed into the water, fracturing the serene reflection of the night-time sky. The water cooled every fibre of my body. I let the water soak into my bare skin. I could feel my pores filling with the liquid, the bubbles brushing delicately over my legs and arms. I wanted to stay underwater forever.

I hit the surface, puncturing the barrier between tranquillity and realism. I ****** in the humid air and let it fill my lungs. I let myself float effortlessly onto my back and glided across the water. The stars sat there in the sky watching me. Up there somewhere, I knew there was somebody among them watching me too, smiling and waving as he saw this boy float upon a bed of water.

I wish he could be floating next to me this very moment and enjoy the placidity of the night.

Tomorrow morning,
The start of a brand new me,
Chemical imbalance?
I don't think so.
I'll smile at my friends
With Sertraline dripping from my lips,
Tiny pills of happiness,
Or as my doctor says
"Control drugs"
If you say so.
One every morning,
Nine months straight,
My brain will feed,
My heart will mend,
But the scars will remain.
The pain will be erased,
But I will never forget,
I will never forget
The torture,
Throwing myself in all directions,
Trapped and alone,
Confined in a dark box somewhere
At the farthest edges of my subconsciousness.

A simple pill may be able to tie my depressive state to a chair
And put a gag in it's mouth,
But it will never silence it's presence.

The thought of seeing a doctor next week
Makes my stomach clench and churn,
The thought of spilling my heart all over
The linoleum floor and watch their eyes
Scan my every move,
Every shallow breath that I take
Because my chest is so tight
And I am panicking.
I don't want to tell them about my cuts,
About my desire to die,
About not eating,
Looking in the mirror and finding another flaw,
About thinking like everyone despises my existence.

I'm scared, no, petrified
That they will look me in the eye
And tell me that there is nothing wrong,
I am just another hormonal teen who can't
Cope with college.

I am terrified of being made to feel like I am unfixable.

I've crossed paths,
Crossed hearts with no hope to die,
Set fire to the night and watch it burn alive,
Watch it turn to ash and spit smoke into the sky,
So the clocks won't ever stop because they'll never freeze in time.

We will fight to claim our territory back,
Without guns and grenades or vicious attacks,
We'll use our words to forge our own weapons,
Make you surrender and we'll become legends,
The death of a war that has no place in heaven.

They say I look better dressed up in cold misery,
But I prefer armour made from bittersweet victory,
With words like matches that burned for our liberty,
I am Guy Fawkes and blazing on a new page in History.

Take me down to the river's edge,
To pray and clear the monster's from my head,
To watch the water slide against the shore,
Personifying the real world:
Disorientated reflections,
Burdens like the pebbles that drag along the riverbed,
Carried by the undulating current beneath the waves
Like a pulse beneath transparent skin,
All slowly but surely heading towards the ocean,
A wide open space
Freedom.

Throw me into the river,
Watch me as I drift away,
Let me reach the ocean
So I can have that freedom too.

Driving through life,
The steering wheel shifting so lightly
Between my fingertips,
Indicating at every junction,
Deciding which direction I'll take
To reach my final destination.
But recently I have been verging,
Down narrow lanes,
Picking up speed
As I push down on the accelerator,
80mph,
90mph,
100mph,
Straight down the lane,
Adrenaline pulsing through me
As I keep going,
Faster I scream to myself,
Faster,
Faster,
Never stop.

I never saw the cliff coming
Rock bottom exists. I've been there.

The seatbelt clings to me as I go over,
The air rushing from my lungs,
The roaring of the wind scraping against metal,
The crash of the ocean waves below.
Every ***** inside me squishing against one another,
My stomach somersaulting as I continue to plunge.

Yet during the fall,
I felt weightless,
Like everything that had forced me to get into the car,
Had evaporated.

I continued to fall,
And even now I still find myself waiting
For the jagged impact of
Rock bottom.

I was stupid to think I'd last this long,
Actually manage to break a smile,
To laugh and be cheerful,
Be myself for once.
But it's all come rushing back to me
And has hit me in the face.
Black eye,
Bleeding nose,
Split lip
Reminds me of what happened last year
And now I feel an overwhelming urge
To just run out of the door
And into the road
And stay there.
To just lay against the icy tarmac
And not feel like my thoughts
Are suffocating me
And pulling me in different directions
Cut
Die
Get help
Don't tell anyone
Stupid
You need to talk
You'd be better off dead

I can't switch it all off,
Even when I sleep it haunts me in my dreams.
I'm drowning.

This one here's for the kids that time forgot,
The next generation that has been left to rot,
In bad education and despised by the Government,
Either a choice of bad behaviour or a life of imprisonment,
This is for the ones who are friends with Mary Jane,
Feeling like they'll never ever be saved,
Being told their habits are sick and unappealing,
When Mary Jane's effects are actually healing,
No depression,
Less aggression,
A healthy kick start,
A stronger heart.

Listen here and listen now,
You won't fail and we'll show you how,
Stay in school and make good friends,
Who'll stick by you till the end,
Embrace your nature and identity,
Have dreams that stretch for infinity,
Never let someone say you're broken,
Keep on living and keep on hoping,
Because you'll be the generation that we won't forget,
Who saved the world from a dark age of regret.

Verse One
Sometimes life gets hard and you want to throw it all away,
Let the passion and the happiness just fade to grey,
Lock up all your troubles and throw away the key,
Bury them beneath the soil so nobody would see

Chorus
Oh it's OK to be in pain,
Don't ever feel ashamed,
To cry all through the night with a broken heart,
To play back all the memories you had from the start,
Darling I'll be by your side,
You never have to hide,
Another secret tear rolling down your face,
Another shallow breath 'cause it's more than you can take,
I'll be here everyday

Verse Two
Sometimes it takes a little longer to take a step forward again,
From standing in the past and holding it together like a chain,
Take off all the worries that are pulling you to the ground,
When you're feeling lost I promise you will always be found

Chorus**
Oh it's OK to be in pain,
Don't ever feel ashamed,
To cry all through the night with a broken heart,
To play back all the memories you had from the start,
Darling I'll be by your side,
You never have to hide,
Another secret tear rolling down your face,
Another shallow breath 'cause it's more than you can take,
I'll be here everyday

The pain will go away,
One more step,
One more day.

I find myself skipping to another page,
Moving from myself and focusing
On the people around me,
Inspecting all of the holes
In what I am supposed to call my family.
An alcoholic nan who only respected me
If she had a whole bottle of whiskey beforehand,
Aunties and Uncles who refuse to talk to me,
Another Uncle who despises me because of who I am,
A dad who left me here and went to France so I barely see him,
A brother who would rather belittle and humiliate me than love me,
And so many relatives who don't even know I exist.

But my hatred can outshine them all,
I love my dad, but I wish he was here,
The others can light another match
And continue to burn their bridges.
I know who I love and who love me in return,
Who will never abandon despite the monster I've become,
The real definition of family.

I don't want to talk to the world.
Not today.
Not tomorrow.
Never.
My words are reserved for beautiful things
And the world is too ugly,
Broken.
No friends,
No family,
Nothing will hear me speak,
Because I am done.
I've come undone.

Stars in my eyes,
But scars on my thighs,
Dreams of travelling,
But despair is unravelling,
Want to have a taste of cultural symbolism,
Too focused on a fast metabolism,
Tell everyone I'm doing OK,
Would rather fade away,
Apparently I've made people proud,
But I don't really see how,
Don't tell me I will succeed,
When pressure is the last thing I need.

The primal instincts are not enough
To tempt me away from the thought of you,
This love of ours is dry and tough,
Discarded the bones because I know we're through,
The urge to ****,
The rush of the thrill,
Let me strike you with a poisoned dart,
Just to have another taste of your beating heart.

I'm just a lovestruck Hannibal,
I want to eat your love like a cannibal,
I'm a savage, I'm a sinner, I'm living like an animal,
But all I want to do is feed on your love like a cannibal.

They say that those who have a darker and more crowded mind,
Have a better perspective of the world than those with normal minds.
It is the truth.
We see the devils behind the flesh,
The true nature of people behind the mask,
We can sense the lies and lack of faith
From a mile away.

Walking the streets while a whole network of emotions
Are pulsing through your head makes you see the world in a different light,
More enhanced senses.
We see the truth behind the smiles,
We feel the wrenching tension of the person next to us,
We hear the staccato heartbeat of someone trying to stay calm,
We can taste the fragility of words from a persons lips,
**We can smell fear.

I don't see the point of having a dream
When I am unsure of my own reality.
Why should I set myself a goal
If I'm uncertain that I'll make it that far?
So much doubt. So little time.