Well ****
Here I go again
Deju vu right?

I said what I said last time
As did you
Starting to feel like a habit

What happens when it breaks?
Will I ever be able to see you again?
Will it continue?

I want to make you happy but I'm starting to feel that I'm not the right person to stand by your side

What do you see
Do you see a friend or a foe
Do you think of my love
Do you think about the hurt

If I could go back in time
I'd rethink my actions
Many say that
The difference is that I mean it

I want to show you
The world that you deserve
Will you take my hand
Can I lead you through the crowd

Your eyes, will they stay on me
Will they stray
Our hands, will they stay intertwined
Will you let go

If I asked you, would you be honest?

I think I just remembered something
I left the usually locked door wide open
The stairs are calling me
The dark eyes stare right back
I know it's my 'guardian angel' with smokey wings

Protecting me yet dragging me down into the basement
Smiling, the time isn't right yet
My patience lasts
If it snaps I'll be closing that door behind me
Black baby wings sprouting since age 12
Carrying me and shielding me from the cold

Thank you for keeping me safe
Keeping me guarded from things I didn't know
Here I am in Life's mystery, confused at times
Other times I am shot down, my baby wings protecting my face but not my heart

As my wings grow many choices come
In the end I know that self-love should always come first

Many say brown eyes are nothing special
Agreeing would be lying
Yours are a fountain of hope

They can reflect your emotions so clearly
I'd hope to say that when I see them again
I'll get to stare and smile

On the coldest day
Will I be able to turn around
To be warmed with one look
Is that a possibility for me?

They're beautiful is what I want to say
Instead I'll settle for staring
Hoping that my eyes will meet yours
I wish you could have green eyes for a day

To see yourself through mine
See all the love that I have for you
The aura of life that you spread for me
Your eyes are the spark of something I had hoped would never end

The lush green is fading
A lonely void takes its place
I don't know if I can do this without you

It's not easy for me to say
Every since you went away
Things have changed around here

I am not the same
I wish I had tried harder
I know that that's not it
That's what I say to myself when I hurt

You left on your own accord
I wish I could have saved you from it all
Save you from what she did to you
You deserved much better

Back then I called out for you
No answer I came
I had to assume the worst
I had to trust your words

"I can't do this anymore"
I didn't want you to let go because of how toxic she was
I wish I could have reached out and saved you
Saved you from her

"I'm going to **** myself"
Those were your last words
Sometimes I ask myself if I could have saved you
Should I have confronted her?

I know you don't think so
I know that I couldn't have done more
We weren't that open with other information
There was no one for me to call
Yet I can't help the doubts that claw at my heels

I dropped into a dark place after you left
I knew I had to stop trying to save everyone
I won't ever regret reaching out to all those people
My efforts mainly payed off
Starting with small smiles to laughter

I just wished that I could have done the same for you

Tears can be shed
Cries of anguish and hate
All from one thought that causes it
Chain Reaction
A never ending spiral of thoughs

Such a simple word
Seemingly obvious
Although many keep it away from prying eyes

An asset if used well
You failed
I harbor it too
Yet you and I are not the same
Self-reflection is something you seem incapable of

Through that
So alike
Yet worlds apart
I am not you

However I am like you in a way or two
Not an insult to me
I can use it well
I will never be you
No matter how many times we overlap

I am me
and
You are you

You say it's not what it used to be
I want to disagree
But how can it be the same when so much has changed?
Our days have changed yet again

I've grown still
As still and cold as the bottom of the sea
A place I myself cannot explore
It's impossible to breath

You've grown distant
As if disappearing behind a wall of mist
I long for you yet know that I cannot move
You asked for time and that I give
To what price do we play on the surface
Ignoring to depths of both our thoughts

The doubt claws at the door to my mind
Leaving scars that I can hear and feel
I want to ask if you feel the same
Yet I cannot seem to find your name

There's one thing that drags me to my knees
I'm scared to ask for what I may find
Do you love me the same?

What do you see when...
Nevermind
I wonder if we'll ever see the same again

I'm running from Time
I'm running out of air
I'm running out of reasons to love you

I can hear the cracking sound at night
Every time the door closes behind me I wonder if it could be the last
What do you really think?

Our truths are not the same
I feel like we aren't of one mind anymore
I want to stay but your effort is decreasing

It does not feel nice
Should I be running?
Or should I be letting you go?

It'll be a new beginning for us both soon
Time is changing
Time for laughter has turned into time to leave

Silence
Is not loneliness
It is not that I have no opinions, I just don't want to talk to you

Dishonesty
Is not something I tolerate a lot
It is my past but not my present or future

Happiness
Is not what I aspire to have
It is not what I require to thrive

Depression
Is not what weakness is
It is what bathes me

Love
Is not what I look for
It is not the same thing as what trust holds for me

The air is changing
It's dense and tense
I wish I could just shut it out

Yet the four remain around me
Isolation for some time would be nice
I want to enjoy it all yet it's not exactly that easy

Dreams and showers are seemingly the only time when I can breathe freely

The looming reality
Time is running out
I'm fighting alone now

Best friend
It couldn't last forever
I didn't want it to end this way though

Ride or die
Was your lie
Say it one last time

The lies that might surface
I hope they won't cage me in
Otherwise I'll have to run

Then I truly will be alone

This Feeling
Something that seems to be immortal
No cries
No words
No actions
It stays as I struggle

I ask myself
Why must it be this way?
Why is it that I feel wrong
At school
At home
At mine

Indestructable
Unstoppable
Ever changing as I adapt
I've come to accept it
I've come to understand it
I've come to welcome it

Yet when I see you
I want to be alone with you
Yet I know that is something I cannot have

Our fingers are laced together
Tied by a promise to not let go
The wind surrounds us with doubt
You're my eye of the storm

Sometimes a quiet moment is all I need
To remind me of all the reasons to stay
I want to prove your past wrong
The memory of me should bring you to smile

Shadows cling onto your light
Let me be the one to cut you free
Whether you take my hand or not doesn't matter
As long as I know that you can move on

Then I don't care what happens to me

Who knew that I would be feeling this pain
I swore that I would never do this to someone
Let alone live it through

Yet here I am
Doing what he did
I could not be anymore ashamed than I am
Trying to cope is not really working out
It feels as if the world is casting me out

Holding on leaves burns and scars
I do not know what to do
My words are leaving me

If there is anybody out there
Please hug me and say it will be okay
Stop me from curling in on myself

I hope you find the button to stop the self destruction
Otherwise I will pull the plugs
Force a complete shutdown and never reboot

That is the fate that I have saved into my system
Maybe someone can change my coding
Say your goodbyes as my eyes fade out

I will remember the good times
Just like the bad times
One last chance

That is all I have left for myself

You do no reflect on what has happened
You ignore what is now
You fail to acknowledge the upcoming possibilities

Was it my similarities to you?
How you fail to see your own faults
Trying to heal yourself by breaking me

This gives me too much insecurity
I can't shake the darkness in my mind
What will happen to my hopes and dreams

Will they slip through my fingers
Like smoke
Does it have to be like that again for me?

Something I want to have
That I can't touch
Nor see

My future is lying shattered in front of my hands

Are you there?
It was a rhetorical question
I know you're there
You can't exactly hide from me in my own body

Sometimes I can't see if you're foe or friend
You have my back no matter what
Yet your claws and fangs are always stabbing me in the back

I've faced you many times
Tie after time it was a war fought with bare hands
Other times it was a delicate touch to the cheek with a smile
You may be within me but you don't define me

I could thank you
You've helped me make friends
You've shaped me to who I am

I could curse you
I shall not
You are still parts of me

I cannot simply abandon you

The anger pierces me like a knife
My wounds are wide open today
Part of me is saying good bye
The sliver of strength seeps out with my tears

I would never want to see you unhappy
It seems the blame always lands on me
I know I did wrong
Yet I cannot ignore your responsibility
Seems invisible to you sometimes

I can live with pain
Yet everyone has their limit
Saying I'm approaching mine rips me apart
In a similar way that your words do

What would be if I said all those things to you?
I have not once threatened to leave you
Do I make it so easy to walk right in and out of my life?

You shut me out for what seems like a life time
We cannot talk it out until later
I do not know what to say or do
I can only take so much

Old thoughts cross my mind these days
Luring me to inflict more pain
So far I can stand strong, fighting that urge
It grows stronger with every fight we have
Hell, even discussions escalate so quickly

Lashing out in anger, I can't shield myself from every hit
I have told you this before
In order for me to live, that has to change
Nowadays I cry because it has only increased

I can only take so much before I break

Letting go took some time
When asked you avoided the biggest answers
I will miss you for a very long time
Yet I have started accepting it, looking for new people
People that I can hold hands with and laugh
Drink coffee with and watch movies with
I think I've found two souls that make me feel warm
Thinking of you when the pink clouds pass by
Wishing you well my friend

"Are you okay?"
No, I'm the same as always
I've decided to express how I feel from now on

"You're not being open"
I want to die
"I already know that"
That's what I am feeling

So why can't you leave it at that?
Is it not enough?

Pull the restraints tighter my Love
For I will try and break free
To keep the possibility of pain away from you
To save me from myself

This all may be cliche
Yet it is nothing but the truth
So hear me out

I'm the lucky one
No matter how many times she says she loves me more
She is beautiful

It would only take me a sliver of time
To see her in a crowd of a thousand others
My music is her voice

Her eyes
They're a whole other story
Mesmerizing like nothing else

With all this
How could I not see
That I can't help falling in love with you

Will I have to retake the exams?
Will I pass math?
Will I do better than 30/45?

I regret not taking myself far away
When I was seven
The first time I tried to go

Looking back
A variety of thoughts
A smile and a tear

I don't have the intelligence others have
I don't have the courage others have
I don't have a lot of things

What I do have is the love of pain
The love of seeing myself fall
I'd like to leave if it doesn't go well

To never stop falling is what I have brought myself to

We've hit the border again
Do it all again
I would
Not without changing

Decisions and words
They follow me everywhere
You tell me I'm wrong
I can't believe you

I've had it happen before
I won't let the cycle swallow you too
I'd lose you
That I can't bear

I want to hide you
Keep you safe
Why are you running the other way?
Into my depths of despair

Just let me keep you to myself

"I can sense the violence in your silence"
My throat tightens as I remember what you said
What am I supposed to read into that?

I close my eyes in hopes of seeing a blank canvas
Something we can create together

Our smiles painting a picture
Our tears casting shadows

I hope that together we can make it work
That pettiness fades and respect blooms like a flower
I love you

Maybe a bit too much
Now do you understand what I mean?
Yet I am learning to be my own soldier

Today is your day
Today I will always remember you
Through the pain I feel the love
The love I have for you

The pain and the love fit like puzzle pieces
Forever intertwined with each other
Unable to let go of another

I don't think you understand what you mean to me
I would have done anything for you
Everything

I can only smile and wish you the best
Should I love you or hate you?
I can only miss you

I thought we would be side by side
Fighting through it all together
Knowing that when all fails we still have each other.

I compare everyone to you, trying to save that spot for you
What shall I do

Strength yet so weak
Love yet so much anger
What are we doing to each other?

I feel small and useless
A fire that has been kicked out
Only the smallest trail of smoke signalling life
My eyes peer around every corner
Why do I feel fear?

I don't want to feel this way forever my Love
Are we here to break each other's hearts?
I cling onto the happiness I have with you

Tell me Baby
Are those words what you really think?
I know I can't forget everything
No matter how much I love you

I can't lose who I am

"Go into bed"
I thought you'd decide to relax
Take the rest that you more than deserve

"Warm up"
I wish I could wrap you up in blankets
Be the warmth that fills you with joy

"Maybe fall asleep"
I smiled, ready to bid you goodnight as usual
To wish that I could be there with you

"Maybe cry"
It tugs at my heart with phrases like that
A stab into my hopes and dreams for you

"Life is full of surprise"
Something I cannot deny
All I know is that I'll be here for you

This is what you said to me
I hope I can change that when I have the chance
You're an Angel to me
I hope to be yours in those times

I jump back and forth
Between motivation and desire to
Sorrow and self-loathing

Life is what you make of it
Something I want to live by
Yet I fail things before even trying

Everything is stagnant
I'm frozen in time by myself
Yet I'm running as my lungs scream

Why do I give myself false hope all the time
I'm my biggest enemy
I'm waging warfare with my hopes and dreams

Just let me keep you to myself

I can't explain it
The desire to call you mine
Without knowing what I'm feeling
I can't tell you what's going on

I don't want to share you
I'm scared
I don't want to be put second best again
I felt it happened, you only talked about him

Arguments ask me why you hold on
Why do I hold on?
You'll always have control over a part of me
That's something I cannot change

You isolated yourself in my heart
I can't give half a broken heart out
Blood drips as I hold it in my hand
Inspections never lead to my hands emptying

What keeps us from letting go?
Is it the promises we've made?
Could it be the feeling of acceptance that we shared?
Or are we just fools, chasing our shadows in the dark

I've cornered myself, there's no way around it

Seeing oneself rip our life apart is one thing
Seeing a friend do it is the worst
I don't think I've ever felt this way before

The pain is unbearable
I don't know if I can resist staying still
It makes me want to overdose

This pain
These tears
I shouldn't be like this

Why does it hurt more than any pain ever did?

I've cornered myself, there's no way around it

Trusting my gut instinct is my survival
I turned it down
That ended in a cold stare out of the window
It ended without much of a fight

I said my goodbyes
As did she
I lost another part of me then
Now I'm left in ruins

You're what keeps me standing
Leave and I'll surely be my own demise
Is that why we don't let go?
We are each others core as it seems

Keeping myself alive proves hard
It's making me numb
Is it the right path?
Is it okay for me to keep you strung to me with a red string?

I don't know if we'll ever know

I tore pieces out of myself
They're in the trash
Staying where I tossed them too

No value
Lifeless
No meaning

Every colour fades
Numbing my senses
Until it is only I who walks my world

I sing a melody
It echoes eerie through the air
A lost frequency to their ears

Tears spill down my face
I have one question for you
What tore through my mind to make me this way?

Hello?
Please don't call me anymore
You've said enough
Stop

Hello?
It's me again
Please say something
You've been awfully quiet
Sometimes I can see you're not busy
Never mind
Forget I said anything

Hello?
This is how it comes to an end
Silence fills the line
I guess it's time to hang up

All this back and forth makes me wonder what happened

There is no past for me to cling onto
No future to pursue
I walk an ever changing path
My footsteps used to cross others, now they're alone

The aid is making me go numb
First I couldn't feel my body
Now I'm losing heart
Next I'll lose my mind

I recall this emptiness
I can't say I missed it
Will it fade to reveal the next step?
I can't help but wanting to turn away from that, stay on the path I've been making myself all this time

soundless joy surrounds me
yet when I reached out I can only feel the ambiguous bubble
all sadness and joy drifts by, waving to me as they go
apparently I am better yet my whole body is enveloped by a warm yet cold layer

it shields me from many things
it is also overprotective
hiding and avoiding experiences and emotions
am I missing out or is it better this way, to let possibilities go
or is it steering me away from the cliff I sometimes call home

the sight of dark waves clinging to the shore is something I miss whether it is good or bad for me
the birds that climb the heights were my dreams
the sly winds pulling and pushing; my laughter and my sorrow

don't even get me started on the ships sailing at the horizon...
my friends finding their way, my sight of them has dimmed
my wishes for them have long been yelled out
hopefully they'll come my way again some day

for today my legs have over the edge, a sad smile on my face as I wave goodbye to the sun and welcome the night

"Here, we're very supportive"
I call *******
That's what everybody says

"We have an assessment calendar"
Then why is it like this?
Do you even use it or is it just decoration?

"It'll get better"
Day by day I've heard lies
Now I even lie to myself

What joy do I feel when I wake up?

The stem is cold against my fingers
I do not feel it
I'm numb as can be
The winter wind has long frozen me to the bone

The petals are withering yet radiating life
I crouch down to see
I'm not as blind as they thought
The winter has stopped time as nothing moves

The thorn ****** my finger
I cannot feel it
My gaze followed the stream of crimson
The evidence for my life stains the snow

The flower is my shadow
A Skeleton Flower
Alive yet frozen
The chance to move on must not be missed again

For I shall wither fully within the next winter

For the first time since it started I felt at peace
My birthday came and went, I'll be honest I saw it coming
Yet for a moment it was silent, no sadness or pain
Just acceptance

Sadly that moment came and went
It stung even though I saw it coming from miles away
I still miss you and would accept you in an instant

You always call me loyal
Seems I am loyal to a fault when it comes to you
I'll always be here for you, no matter how much you move on
I'd catch you in every fall if you'd let me

You probably want to forget all about you, do you despise me?
I made a promise to you, I'd care for you for life
I will not break that promise, I can't even though I'm trying

Family for life
That's what you are
My long lost best friend
You're always welcome home

Sometimes I feel like the messenger
To bring others happiness
Without pursuing my own
Seeing them change
Seeing them smile
It feels good

Sometimes I wonder why I can't be part of their happy times
Then I remind myself
I'm merely a stepping stone to better times
That's what I've decided to be
I shouldn't regret when I can make them smile once more

Sometimes I wish I could have stayed their friends
Through bad and good times
Instead of fighting through the bad and falling back at the good
I miss them

For years you meant everything to me
You were my best friend and my sister
Now I don't exist for you

It makes my wince and cry
Yet smile to the sky
Please don't go away

I wish you'd be as honest as you used to be
We used to tell each other everything
Now I can't ask you how you are

I think you are just waiting for me to forget
I don't think I can

I'm sorry if you hate me
I want to hate you too

Yet here I am
I still miss you
I'll always love you

We're only strangers now

It fills me with an unknown pain
Should I question why I am so attached
My mind can't help but wonder where you are
How you are
That's something we don't get the chance to ask anymore

Quick messages
Rushed replies
Hours of waiting
Hoping your day isn't hurting you
Wanting only the best for you

Hating this feeling takes so much
I feel drained each day
Thinking of a happier you
Would you want a happier me?
Would that make it better?
Am I good enough the way I am?

This might be the hardest thing to endure
A slow agonizing throbbing
It cuts deep
Who knew I would be the one feeling this way
When it was you that said dependency was your issue

so unsure of what to do
so unsure of where to go
is it worth changing your path?

you don't enjoy your studies
you're ***** deep in depression again
where's the way out?


you'll just do a masters and pave your way from there
it'll be so hard but so worth it
you know you can do this, so why do you still feel like ****?

your social life is in shambles, it doesn't exist quite frankly
you don't even want to let people in anymore
you've been left behind before, from someone you loved so deeply
they were your family, your heart yet you weren't good enough

all your doubts are just stacking
your passion has disappeared, you're a decomposing robot right now
you can't get out right now, you can try again in 20 years
till then you can cry and scream all you want

life just isn't that nice
you always knew that
so why are you stuck on it

you don't know, but that's okay
you're sure it'll slowly figure itself out
good luck skylar keith
you'll need it

I hate the ambiguity between you and me

Are we friends?
I thought no yet you still talk to me
Act as if it was all a dream

You know I'm not about that

I read your letter today
For the tenth time I'd guess
The one from my last birthday

Did you write it because you wanted to?
Maybe because you actually mean all of it?
Or did you only write it because he told you I was upset?

I wonder what my birthday this time will present
Will you tell me again that I am a good friend and you're sorry?
Or will it just be silence this time, a sign that our friendship is no more

It's a sad thought but this year I am genuinely curious
If you don't write, will I write you one for your birthday?
I really do not know

My dear little Sapling
What a world that you chose for your birth
You are fragile, but your future is strong

My hands wield your growth, shaping your forms and nurturing your blossoms

I know neither wrong or right
You simply are.
Judging from afar yet striking no judgement

An entity that exists to exist
Gathering knowledge and sending roots deep down

Grow my little Sapling and learn about this beautiful yet ugly world