You wont see me fall
Draining my body with a sword sharpened on both sides
The blood draining and whole in my skin
The safety taken
The protection nonexistent
The i love you words that took place before i had a piece of metal inside me
The gun put to my head and the begging to be dead because the nightmares will never end
I pulled the trigger
I did it
But the bullet was non lethal And when i my body fell it was just from exhaustion
I let the thorns pierce my fingers
The way your sword did
The fear to be in your sites were like being in the line of fire
I run but the bullets faster
The words flowing from your mouth like a type writer on paper just watching to make sure no mistakes are made
But the words you formed
Your a mistake
Im the mistake he said
The cracking of broken bones like the snapping of twigs beneath your feet
Where do you have the right
Where do you have the right to walk this earth with the not insane people
Let the ringing in my ears heard from miles away like my screams that were ignored by police who follow up on the black and blue and the ****** proof
These green eyes have to be covered they are so seductive
YOU are seductive
In the body that you never gave away he claimed
and want to destroy
PLEASE pull the trigger
PLEASE shove the blade deeper
But my body always held me up and the people always watched me while i was in the lake drowning
My hand reaching out and their eyes locked on my fingers blue like the sky behind the bird flying that you dream to be
BANG but it was the wall this time and not my head sadly
The cracking noise is back in my ears that ring from my head being slammed into the wall or the concrete floor that my blood drained all over.
But oh the smell of the rubbing alcohol that you loved to press against the inflicted continuous pain that you caused
Can you get the gun
because just do it already why threaten the life you've taken already from the soul that reached its breaking point
The soul walked out its just a body now
A body that jumped at the first cliff it sees
The waves crashing over it as it sinks deeper and deeper with the chains that it put on itself
Its not ******.
Not from my body
Not of my blood
But a piece of my heart.
Who calls me auntie
No one wants to tell the truth
Like it doesnt get better
You just figure out a way to keep going
Feeling the same feelings
Thinking the same things
Breathing the same air
It hasnt changed time just went by
But time isnt healing these wounds
And I'm lacking the strength it takes for me to even begin to want to stay here breathing
This hot air on my face
This huge hole in my heart
This pain in my chest
This darkness clouding my head
Circling and making me dizzy
But its okay it gets better
But it doesnt
They will say it to you but its not true
You will only mask how the heart break feels with people or hobbies
but people walk out
and hobbies get boring
so then your left alone to deal with the thoughts in your head
Can you deal with head
Being inside there
Like a horror movie with no end
You just fell and now your dead
But hey is it all that bad
It doesnt get better
Ill give you the truth that others dont want to give you
IT DOESNT GET BETTER.
but you could try shock therapy
The metallic taste in your mouth
Now rip you to shreds
For the blood in which my mouth is draining from your body
The faint pain
The visual grasps your trying to hold onto
I own them now
The last drop
No hesitation as your body drops to the floor
Can you picture it ?
This little black fuzzy warm coat on this teenager in 103 degree weather
"My goodness she must be warm"
"Take the jacket off its too hot for it"
"I'm FINE, but thank you for your worry"
I was FINE.
I liked hiding behind this black jacket
It was apart of me and it kept me comfortable
Even if it was 103 degree's outside
Cover the tummy
Cover the arms
Cover the wrists
Cover the bruises
Cover the scars
Cover the scratches
Cover the back
Cover the chest
Cover the finger
Pull it over your hands
Like a shield
If someone forced me to take it off
It was just end of the world
I had to go somewhere else so that I could wear it.
The freezing computer room was my favorite
At least I was comfortable
I wasn't exposed in just a T-shirt
even though I wasn't exposed
"Your a beautiful young lady."
"Why do you hide behind that jacket"
I was just so scared to answer
But I can answer now
I didn't want the janitor that followed the girls around the school to notice me and make his new path into mine
I didn't want the feeling of being watched all the time
I didn't want that shadow laying on my back
Didn't want all eyes on me.
So this little black coat became my security blanket
In bed it made me feel like the wondering eyes were no longer there.
Even if they didn't exist
Like the cameras hidden in the the little thumbtack holes were gone
Or if they weren't they couldn't see anything
Like the man under my bed went away because there was nothing interesting to see
Nothing to see here
All I have to do is wear this coat
Going into the bathroom pulling it down towards my knees
Covering up everything that exists about my body that can be used for someone else's sick pleasures
The 2 sided mirror wasn't going to capture anything
Except my little black coat
My brain pushes everything into this big deal
I drop my paint brush and.....its like I'm dying
The end of the world
Like left is left and right is right but what if left is actually right and right is actually left
What if when it rains its just a count down in the amount of times its going to rain till the world ends.
When I ***** up
It's like I dont deserve to be on this planet
Like my breath is a waste
I'm a waste
I burned the cookies I was supposed to make for my niece
Shes going to feel left out
Shes going to hate
My brain thanks me every time i do something correctly
Like thank god I can have a break from tearing myself apart.
Oh look another mistake
Better go jump off that cliff over there
You have nothing better to do all you can do it ***** up
I used my brand new markers the other day
Now I cant use them anymore because then they will run out and I wont have them and they will be gone
The bigger mistakes are even worse
Like I torture myself to sleep because that just how this thing goes
This "chemical imbalance"
This brain of mine man
Just wish I could have a break
Your sword made of words that pierced me for the last time
Your strength made of the blood from my body that you spilled
Your humor made of the bruises of my skin that you caused
Your smile made of the tears fallen from my eyes rolling from my cheeks that you've slapped
Your pride made of the pain and emotional hurt you bestow upon me
The irony of your good points being my weak points
Only my humor is made of the strength I took back from you
My smile is made of handcuffs slapped on your wrists
My pride is the breath I breathe each day your no longer breathing
My life is made of the possibilities and the other plans I could have had that you took but bettered by the fight within my body and my mind to continue to beach waves
My happy place made of sand and salt water
The sea shells beneath my feet
The sound of my voice singing in the night making me feel better when I was all alone.
Because being alone was made of comfort the sound of waves crashing
Because I'm made of happiness and possibilities of positivities and cool breeze from the empty ocean.
I'm made of Star Fish and Jelly Fish
I'm made of Sharks and Dolphins
I'm made of Whales and Sting Rays
I'm made of my happy place
I'm made of all the things that kept me going in my time of struggle and I kept it all and I will always keep it all for the rest of my breathing body.
My secret made of the island I somehow always traveled too.
#strength #happyplace #island #sand #happiness