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1.3k · Jan 2019
I'll talk about it
Katlynn Newell Jan 2019
Lets talk
Lets talk about what happened
Lets get the ugly details
Lets talk about it
Like talking is going to be doing me any good
Lets talk about how that made you feel while I type away on my computer and repeated questions more than once because I'm not actually paying attention
Lets talk about it though
Lets talk about the ****** knife
Lets talk about the grip he had on my throat
Lets talk about my head hitting the tile floor when I passed out
Lets talk about how hard his fist felt against my face
Lets talk about it
If you were listening you wouldn't be able to talk about it with me
But lets go on
Lets talk about the night I felt like I lost everything
Lets talk about how he pinned me down
Lets talk about how he spit in my face and laughed while I cried
Lets talk about what happened next
but that's just too uncomfortable for you
Lets talk about it though
I'll talk about it
I'll talk about the smell of his cologne mixed with the smell of *** on his breathe in my face
I'll talk about how hard his hands dug into my wrist
Lets talk about it
He grabbed me with a threat
His tongue sharpened with the names of my sisters just a couple blocks away
I got in
so I was asking for it
all that *******
Tears coming from my eyes didn't bother him because nothing bothered him other than me not listening to his every instruction
His every demand
He claimed his words were the gospel
And I was sinning
Only he was the devil himself sitting in front of me
I was abused and I can talk about it
I'll talk about it
The hard stuff is over now
But lets talk about it while I answer a few phone calls but don't worry I'm listening
I'll talk about it but your not listening
654 · Jan 2019
To her
Katlynn Newell Jan 2019
To her
He's different
He's real
He's the type of a man searching for soul
Searching for someone to make him hole
To her
When hes hurting, because I know he hurts
Help him
Help him smile
Smile at him
Because when I did he looked at me in less pain gripped my hand and was okay again
To her
He's  not questioning you
Hes simply doing what we all do
He's protecting himself from getting hurt
He's making sure
To her
He wants you to lay with him every night even if his snoring is incredibly loud
He wants to feel your body next to his
To her
When he questions your choices he is just worried
He cares
He doesn't understand yet
Be patient
To her
When he cries in his sleep
Lock your fingers in his
Kiss his cheek
He will wake up and hug you
He will wrap his arms around you and make you feel protected even when he's the one who needs to feel safe
To her
He'll let you do his make up just to make you smile
Even if his man pride had to be put a side for a while
He wants real love
Please give him real love
To her
He's a bit of a mystery
He's hard to understand
He's a puzzle
But put it together and you have a piece of amazing work
Hes stubborn and he gets angry He snores so very very loud and he has a small disability
He can be rude and painfully blunt at times, but you will never have to question his love
But to her
His love is genuine
His hugs are safe and warm
His words are sweet
His touch is electrifying
When he holds you his body heat doesn't bother you
He bumps into you while hes gaming and smiles in a playful manner
He's real, but even better.
His love is one of a kind
To her
Congratulations
570 · Jan 2019
Counting
Katlynn Newell Jan 2019
She has a story
She was once 300 pounds.
She was never worried until someone called her fat.
She brushed it off at first , but the comments kept coming and the people kept judging until she cried her self to sleep at night because no one took the time to know her and see her beauty within.
Instead they visualized her imperfect body onto a piece of paper to pass around the class.
She was so embarrassed,
She ran home from school that and never left her room.
She slept through the weekend
She began passing by mirrors so quickly she didn't want to see the drawing that was passed around and ridiculed by and abundance of people.
The scale became her best friend, but her worst enemy
The number on the scale dropped just as her body did each time she forced food from her body.
The mind that once was so beautiful became a math class for calories
You couldn't get a bigger number or the answer would be wrong
She consumed less and less each day
Hating the feeling
She hated feeling this way but she hated being laughed at more
She was congratulated on the drop of pants sizes
No one realized her drop food consumption.
The loss of weight became her addiction
The drawing wasn't being passed around anymore.
She wasn't a fat girl in huge clothes
She wasn't a walking diabetic waiting to be diagnosed
She wasn't a "muffin top" people would make fun of
But it didn't stop for her
The calculator in her head felt more familiar and more supportive than her family
Her sickness soon became all she had
She kept that drawing and replaced it for the food that would never touch her lips
But she never realized that her body didn't look like a giant marshmallow
It was a work of art that had way more beautiful detail.
She was just too busy counting to see the canvas where it all lied.
324 · Feb 2019
Don't Worry
Katlynn Newell Feb 2019
Hush little child
Don't you fear
Mommy is fine
It's just a tear
I feel the guilt
I feel the sorrow
If only I had someones strength to borrow
To fight for you
To fight for me
But mainly for you
I'd take it again is I could have you forever
But his fists took you his feet took you
And he borrowed the strength of 10 men while i had the strength of 1
The odds were against me
But I fought anyways
Mommy is okay
She just misses you
Mommy dreams of you every night and wishes for you when she wakes up
Wishes you could grow up on the smell of blooming grapefruit like she did
Mommy loves you
No matter what
Mommy will fall sometimes
She will cry and she will wake up crying for you
But you don't have to worry because mommy knows your walking street of gold and buildings made of stars.
Mommy will break down some times
But don't you worry mommy is fine
Mommy will light candles for you on your birthday
Candles that smell like vanilla and coconut
Sweet smells will fill the air for you
For mommy's sweet little angel
Mommy will hold your memory close
Mommy will think abut those blue eyes and blonde hair
Mommy will remember the softness of your cheek against her lips
Mommy will hurt
But mommy hurts because she loves you
Mommy is thankful to have met you
Mommy will tell the world of your existence and she will never let your name leave her thoughts
Mommy will love you forever
and ever
Even if she didn't get forever with you
Mommy will forever love you
Cherish you
And remember you in the most beautiful ways
Mommy will dream of you
Mommy will never let you go
Because I'm your mommy
And mommy loves you
248 · Jan 2019
Break me
Katlynn Newell Jan 2019
But **** me right? **** the fact that I shake so badly, scream so loudly, rocking myself back and forth so quickly
Crying so much that hopefully someone can understand that its not me its the pain.
I've said it once and ill say it again to be beaten
would be better than sitting here and dealing with the mental pain.
Hit me punch me kick me break me
Break my broken pieces and take them and shatter those too
Break me in a way that people would fear
Come on end me.
Break me down till those pieces turn into dust.
Let me free in the wind.
It would be better than this
Break me right now break me down into a pit of nothingness
Break me like you broke all your promises
"I'll never do it again" "I promise"
Break me down cut me open
Show the world and let them know
Let them know that I've been broken
A poem needs to rhyme, that's the rules
Where were the rules then ?
When i was being broken where were they?
It seems like there weren't any
There were no rules when it came to him breaking me
He had permission.
There was no evidence
My bruised skin wasn't enough
My busted lip and broken ribs weren't enough
I used to look out widows and watch the birds fly from tree to tree
I wanted to be free like the birds
To not have too worry about being broken or bruised
To fly above the clouds
But I was soon brought back to earth and I didn't know why
I didn't know why then but I do no.
I know now that i would win the fight and that my dust would mold into something so beautiful a creation so admirable
I fought and my broken pieces slowly magnetically pull it's selves back together again.
I soon became the birds that I admired so much
Free
I am free
I apologize for the profanity. If its not allowed I will remove. But my story will be told.
221 · Apr 2019
My little black coat
Katlynn Newell Apr 2019
Can you picture it ?
This little black fuzzy warm coat on this teenager in 103 degree weather
"My goodness she must be warm"
"Take the jacket off its too hot for it"
"I'm FINE, but thank you for your worry"
I was FINE.
I liked hiding behind this black jacket
It was apart of me and it kept me comfortable
Even if it was 103 degree's outside
Cover the tummy
Cover the arms
Cover the wrists
Cover the bruises
Cover the scars
Cover the scratches
Cover the back
Cover the chest
Cover the finger
Pull it over your hands
Like a shield
If someone forced me to take it off
It was just end of the world
I had to go somewhere else so that I could wear it.
The freezing computer room was my favorite
At least I was comfortable
Somewhat
I wasn't exposed in just a T-shirt
even though I wasn't exposed
"Your a beautiful young lady."
"Why do you hide behind that jacket"
I was just so scared to answer
But I can answer now
I didn't want the janitor that followed the girls around the school to notice me and make his new path into mine
I didn't want the feeling of being watched all the time
I didn't want that shadow laying on my back
Didn't want all eyes on me.
So this little black coat became my security blanket
In bed it made me feel like the wondering eyes were no longer there.
Even if they didn't exist
Like the cameras hidden in the the little thumbtack holes were gone
Or if they weren't they couldn't see anything
Like the man under my bed went away because there was nothing interesting to see
Nothing to see here
All I have to do is wear this coat
Going into the bathroom pulling it down towards my knees
Covering up everything that exists about my body that can be used for someone else's sick pleasures
The 2 sided mirror wasn't going to capture anything
Except my little black coat
198 · Jan 2019
Its not love
Katlynn Newell Jan 2019
I know plenty of things.
like how 1+1= 2
I also know that  people don't really care when your happy
But
I'm not happy I'm in love
I have this love that goes so deep inside its like my imaginary friend i had in first grade
My love is always there for me
He always has my back and pushes my chest down when I need to return back to earth
My love helps me think about my problems
My love keeps me awake at night in deep conversation that would be too complex for anyone else to understand
My love is always there and never leaves my side even when I ask him to
My love rushes me to the hospital when I feel like I can't breathe
But my love is the cause of all that.
My love pushes me down when I am happy
My love keeps my mind in dark places exploring dark universes and even darker galaxies that I don't want to be in
My love doesn't leave my side when i ask it too it stays there to torture this soul
My love beats me ever day
My love sends me to the hospital because his hands around my throat block the air to my lungs leaving me breathless.
My love never allowed me to have friends so the imaginary ones that I had to make up was all I had.
And god forbid he find out about those
My love took my hand and dragged me down an gravel road to ensure that I had learned my lesson
My love left bruises on my skin and scars in my heart that people could and could not see
My love was always on top of making me know what I wasn't and what I was
And I was nothing
But I wasn't allowed to argue
My love broke my ribs and made me bleed
My love cut my skin with a sharper knife than his tongue
My love took my innocence
My love took my baby and her last breath
Why didn't he take mine?
Because he loved me
But I hated him
He took the last thing I wanted
My love destroyed me then destroyed himself and took his breath just to leave me here alone to take care of it
To live it all over and over in my nightmares
My nightmares can paint you a picture
My nightmares will paint art that no one will want to buy
My night mares show that just because you call it love doesnt mean its love
Because my love was my biggest nightmare
My love wrecked my entire life and my love stole my normal and replaced it with a jar of nightmares, flash backs, depression, and social anxiety
My love stole my normal gave me PTSD
My love is not my love my love is my nightmare that never ends
And my nightmare never ends
172 · Jan 2019
No control
Katlynn Newell Jan 2019
I've realized that I have no control of my life
Instead I'm being stabbed and drained by depression with the knife  permanently set into my chest
My body always seems to find its way back to my bed in a pool of blood only imagined in my head
You tell me go out and have fun but I cant have fun when if I don't want to have fun it just turns out not being fun
I come back worse and you wonder why
I try to explain
It's like depression has control of my life pumping air into my lungs but it holds the pump clutched
Keeping me from taking another breath.
Suffocating me
"Oh your over exaggerating"
No! I'm trying to let you in on a piece of me that depression hasn't consumed
Then BOOM
Depression grabs me by the hair pulling me in
closing me off from the conversation and I'm back to bed where my body seems to be nothing more than a corpse used for puppetry
My depression is killing me
"Don't claim it"
I am not claiming it
Its claimed me
I need you to open your eyes
I need you to hear me
I need you to see for me
Because depression has taken over all of my senses
And ill be stuck here till the next word or sentence
143 · Jan 2019
I bet
Katlynn Newell Jan 2019
I bet you don't know that you saved me
I bet you don't know that you make me feel better than I ever have before
I bet you don't know that your the reason I'm still here
As I sat looking through my messages to people to say goodbye to
I bet you don't know that going back and giving you my number was not what I expected to do
But I did and you made me smile and you helped me through the night I wasn't supposed to make it through
I bet you don't know that I woke up the next morning because for some reason something finally felt right
It felt like someone cared
I bet you don't know that when I say I love you
I truly mean it and you have no clue just how much my heart longs for  you
I bet you don't know just how much I would do to keep you in my life
Because I'd be beaten again
and broken again and hurt again
and shattered again and scared again
As long as the end result was the way I feel when I have you
When I talk to you
When I am held by you
I bet you don't know that you've helped me so much more that you could ever imagine
Because you care and I need that
Because you're funny and after everything I've been through I need that
My smile has recovered
Its back
I bet you don't know the impact you have on my life
But I know that I'm going to try my best to make yours amazing
I know you know I love you
But I bet you don't know how much
I bet a million on you
127 · Sep 2019
Untitled
Katlynn Newell Sep 2019
You wont see me fall
Draining my body with a sword sharpened on both sides
The blood draining and whole in my skin
The safety taken
The protection nonexistent
The i love you words that took place before i had a piece of metal inside me
The gun put to my head and the begging to be dead because the nightmares will never end
I pulled the trigger
I did it
But the bullet was non lethal And when i my body fell it was just from exhaustion
I let the thorns pierce my fingers
The way your sword did
The fear to be in your sites were like being in the line of fire
I run but the bullets faster
The words flowing from your mouth like a type writer on paper just watching to make sure no mistakes are made
But the words you formed
Your a mistake
Im the mistake he said
The cracking of broken bones like the snapping of twigs beneath your feet
Where do you have the right
Where do you have the right to walk this earth with the not insane people
Let the ringing in my ears heard from miles away like my screams that were ignored by police who follow up on the black and blue and the ****** proof
These green eyes have to be covered they are so seductive
YOU are seductive
In the body that you never gave away he claimed
and  want to destroy
PLEASE pull the trigger
PLEASE shove the blade deeper
But my body always held me up and the people always watched me while i was in the lake drowning
My hand reaching out and their eyes locked on my fingers blue like the sky behind the bird flying that you dream to be
BANG but it was the wall this time and not my head sadly
The cracking noise is back in my ears that ring from my head being slammed into the wall or the concrete floor that my blood drained all over.
But oh the smell of the rubbing alcohol that you loved to press against the inflicted continuous pain that you caused
Can you get the gun
why
because just do it already why threaten the life you've taken already from the soul that reached its breaking point
The soul walked out its just a body now
A body that jumped at the first cliff it sees
The waves crashing over it as it sinks deeper and deeper with the chains that it put on itself
Its not ******.
107 · Jan 2019
Pause
Katlynn Newell Jan 2019
You don't want to die
But you don't want to breathe
You pop another one so you don't have to think
Lets mix it with a drink
You don't know what's happened
All you know right now
Is that you don't want to feel
Your mind is on a ride that's broken with no end
Your thoughts are full of negativity and your messages wont send
You keep pushing through another day
Hoping it gets better
Hiding what your mind created behind a smile
Being polite
Thank you
Yes ma'am, no ma'am
But **** its been a while
Its been a while since I felt good
Even with love in the air
I'm nothing but scared and I don't know why

He seems like the right guy
You keep hitting all the buttons and getting no outcome

Its not working so maybe I'll hit the big red one
So something but and don't regret it
But my mind wont work that way
And it wont let me forget it
I'm going crazy
I'm going insane
What am I crying for when I'm to blame?

How does this world keep moving
when someone is falling and bruising
I can beg and beg you to please don't do this
Don't make my mind any worse than it already is
Don't make me want to stop being who I am
And right now I'm alive
I've got nothing to live for
My head has taken over and right now there isn't much
I do what I can
I help and I help but I cant help myself
I'm begging and begging
Please let me out
I'm destroying what I fought for and I'm plummeting fast
I don't know what to do
And I don't know if I can last
Last another day feeling this way
Or lasting one more night and not feeing the pain
My minds a battlefield
Everything is exploding
But what can I do I just cant keep coping?
106 · Feb 2019
Flat line
Katlynn Newell Feb 2019
I'll hold myself
I'll be alright
I'll stand strong
I'll continue to fight
I moved out at 12
Beaten at 13
Hushed by the voices who spoke for me
Sitting in the back or any corner of a room
Sitting where no one else will
Frightened by every "boom"
Developed things I didn't know about
Was I born with it ?
Am I just now noticing?
Am I getting worse ?
My best friend vanished
I wore his blood as the questions spilled in like water after the dam is broken
Staring off in a gaze because he was all i had at that point and I just lost it all
The gun shot RINGING in my ears
The blood staining my clothes and skin and even with the shower the mirror would show it all
The "I love you " text message that was the last thing I had gotten from him or heard from him
Did he really or was he just saying good bye
I love you too
But it didn't matter
I didn't make it there in time
And his blood splattered
His body limp and his head just... His head
His wrists were.....
His face still had tears
His life was taken
His breath is gone
His heart beat isn't beating
Just a flat line ____
No matter how long I waiting this wasn't a movie and the rise wouldn't come
Just a flat line
So I will forever just draw curves
Because I hate flat lines.
101 · May 2019
Refreshing or Murder
Katlynn Newell May 2019
The metallic taste in your mouth
The smell
Now rip you to shreds
For the blood in which my mouth is draining from your body
The faint pain
The visual grasps your trying to hold onto
I own them now
At last
The last drop
No hesitation as your body drops to the floor
Empty
99 · Apr 2019
Untitled
Katlynn Newell Apr 2019
My brain pushes everything into this big deal
I drop my paint brush and.....its like I'm dying
The end of the world
Like left is left and right is right but what if left is actually right and right is actually left
What if when it rains its just a count down in the amount of times its going to rain till the world ends.
When I ***** up
It's like I dont deserve to be on this planet
Like my breath is a waste
I'm a waste
I burned the cookies I was supposed to make for my niece
Shes going to feel left out
Shes going to hate
My brain thanks me every time i do something correctly
Like thank god I can have a break from tearing myself apart.
Oh look another mistake
Better go jump off that cliff over there
You have nothing better to do all you can do it ***** up
I used my brand new markers the other day
Now I cant use them anymore because then they will run out and I wont have them and they will be gone
The bigger mistakes are even worse
Like I torture myself to sleep because that just how this thing goes
You know
This "chemical imbalance"
This brain of mine man
Just wish I could have a break
96 · Apr 2019
One step at a time.
Katlynn Newell Apr 2019
Hush.
Listen
To
The
Sound
Of
The
Waves
Crashing
Against
Your
Body
Falling
From
The
Cliff
You
Jumped
From
93 · Jan 2019
Forgiving
Katlynn Newell Jan 2019
People will claim to be so kind
But when it comes to them seeing something
They claim to be blind
They are deaf all of a sudden
They have nothing more to say and they become mute
They watch pools of blood cover more and more ground
They walk away and act like they couldn't hear a sound
But my blood shed on their hands proves that they were there
My screams in their head will forever haunt them
My face will never leave their dreams
I'll forgive them
Forgive them in hope that I will receive some kind of closure in the fact that they watched and walked away
I hope they will never endure what I have
But I hope the next time they see something they will come forward
These whispers in the threes with the wind hitting them will forever be my peace on a cool winter day
I hope they find their peace
Because I forgive them
92 · Feb 2019
Cut The Canvas
Katlynn Newell Feb 2019
Cut the canvas
And the red paint forms into a beautiful rose
Roses form everywhere
This rose bush grows and grows
With the simple slit from the razor blade.
Katlynn Newell Apr 2019
Your sword made of words that pierced me for the last time
Your strength made of the blood from my body that you spilled
Your humor made of the bruises of my skin that you caused
Your smile made of the tears fallen from my eyes rolling from my cheeks that you've slapped
Your pride made of the pain and emotional hurt you bestow upon me
The irony of your good points being my weak points
Only my humor is made of the strength I took back from you
My smile is made of handcuffs slapped on your wrists
My pride is the breath I breathe each day your no longer breathing
My life is made of the possibilities and the other plans I could have had that you took but bettered by the fight within my body and my mind to continue to beach waves
My happy place made of sand and salt water
The sea shells beneath my feet
The sound of my voice singing in the night making me feel better when I was all alone.
Because being alone was made of comfort the sound of waves crashing
Because I'm made of happiness and possibilities of positivities and cool breeze from the empty ocean.
I'm made of Star Fish and Jelly Fish
I'm made of Sharks and Dolphins
I'm made of Whales and Sting Rays
I'm made of my happy place
I'm made of all the things that kept me going in my time of struggle and I kept it all and I will always keep it all for the rest of my breathing body.
My secret made of the island I somehow always traveled too.
#strength #happyplace #island #sand #happiness
91 · Feb 2019
Untitled
Katlynn Newell Feb 2019
I can still remember the smell of your cologne mixed with ***
I can remember the smell of your cigarette burning my skin
And I can remember my hopes of someone seeing you doing this
Being shattered
Because you were good
I have to admit that
You were good
Good at picking and choosing your prey
Your were great at created bruises where people would never see
You were good at making your grip seem soft even if your close to breaking my arm
You were good at making it seem like you were a 16 year old even though you were actually 25
You were good at threatening my sisters lives so that I didn't say anything
You were good at making me afraid
Your were good at keeping me hostage without being chained and bound to a cement wall
Oh but that wall was stronger than anything in this world
You were good at making my blood pour onto the floor
You were even better at making knives cut my skin
You were pretty **** good at it all
Apparently you were so good that the police needed
Evidence
All the evidence was on my skin
But i was good too
I was good at smiling when I was scared
I was good at keeping the tears back
I was good at not telling anyone
I was good at keeping your secrets on my skin
I was good at walking with out a limp
I was good at breathing even when it hurt
I was good keeping the cuts close with tape
I was good at living even when I wanted to give up
But you were good at keeping me alive even when i begged you to end me
We Were both good
But I'm better
I'm better because I'm still here
I'm better because even if it felt impossible
I came out on top of things and I came out strong
I came out of all the abuse and i made a life for myself even if it is a little rocky at time
Even if I do fear public places I'm still here
I still made it and you didn't
You're gone now
And I'm better than you would have ever been in your entire lifetime
I am always better than you
89 · Jan 2019
Untitled
Katlynn Newell Jan 2019
I'll wait and watch as a flower blooms
The flower that blooms on the cactus in the middle of a desert
As it slowly opens up into something so beautiful
I'll ***** my fingers on the thorns just for the simple taste of beauty within the flower
89 · Feb 2019
I Wish
Katlynn Newell Feb 2019
I wish it all back on you
Blood stained the floor dripping from her nose an her mouth
Bruises on her chest and slits on her wrist
One done to her and the other done by her self
She runs a bath
She undresses in the bathtub afraid that the camera in her own home will capture her and be used in a sick sinful way
Her privacy is no longer private to her even when it is
Blood stains the water
Water staining the carpet
The blood soaked water soaked carpet
At least she can inflict her own pain and someone else has no control
Its all her
She gets dressed behind a curtain pushed against the corner in the bathroom because there just is no hiding
The two way mirror in her own home that doesn't exist seems to haunt her thought more than a ghost or demon ever will
She checks her windows, doors, closet, and home once more,
She looks under her bed for the 5th time because her nightmares could very well come true
I wish you were as afraid of me as I am of you
Her breath seems to be icy impaling the world like his knife impaled her
She wakes up and goes to that same corner in the morning to get dressed because today there seems to be so many more spaces  for eyes to be wondering her body in the open
So the curtain in the corner it is
She climbs out and walks past the two sided mirror as quickly as she can
She will get it later
He demands eye contact
The bruises on her arm prove that
She goes to school because she can't hide
She comes back home
Confined to her little corner and her curtain
The stain in the carpet getting bigger
But she will just throw it out and no one will know
I wish your blood would stain the floor for the last time and wish that you lived this life of confinement the way that I do
I wish it all back on you after all you did to me.
89 · Feb 2019
It works
Katlynn Newell Feb 2019
The way we met just worked
The way you looked at me worked
And the way you make me feel
It works
I feel like flower blooming into this beautiful world with the mindset or how everything's going to be perfect
You make me feel perfect
The carnations you bring me
The kisses you plant upon my cheek
The hugs that make me feel so secure and safe
It all works so beautiful in my new world that you have been apart of to create
It all works in this world of ours
There is no problem that needs to be solved because it all just works
The way a machine works
The way a balloon with helium works
The way peanut butter and jelly works
But most importantly the way we work
The way we work together in this life of ours
We work and I love it
I love how we work
87 · Apr 2019
It feels like a lost
Katlynn Newell Apr 2019
I am hear today
I am able to speak
I can breath and my hearts beating
But I feel like I lost
I lost what I thought was the light at the end of the tunnel
The long dark tunnel that all the monsters attacked me
One monster
Actually
I lost you and i lost me in the same breathe that was your final
I lost a bit of me that I won't get back
I fought everyday but that monster took you
And i wish he would have taken me too at times
At  least the nightmares would have ended and I would be holding you
Taking a breath at the same time as you
Watching you grow because I believe heaven is your happy place that you grow in beauty but age disintegrates.
But my age goes up and my body duplicates its self by stealing strength and replacing it with thinks like wrinkles or grey hair
I'm not old enough to have that but it will come soon
But I lost and I'm stuck here looking at the sky
Searching for you.
86 · Nov 2019
Untitled
Katlynn Newell Nov 2019
Don't tell me you know the pain I'm feeling
When the breath isn't breathing
and I'm still bleeding
and my baby isn't crying

When there is no rise and fall
and the nurses walk out and go in the hall

When her blue eyes close
And I count all her toes

When I kiss her forehead
When I cant tuck her in and put her to bed

When the life I gave is put to rest
And all my faith is put to the test

When I say goodbye
13 minutes after saying hi

So please
Don't compare the death of my child to the death of your dog
It's not liking losing a family member
although I'm not disregarding your pain
just please don't compare it

My daughter was here on this earth
too beautiful for this life
Too good to be an ordinary person

She had to be an angel
and I had to let her go.

Hope Elizabeth Jane
R.I.P.
07.28.2014
85 · Jan 2019
My prison
Katlynn Newell Jan 2019
I've built a prison around me
Torture chambers no one can see
Inhaling mustard gas like oxygen
But not dying
Lying around seeing chains and metal bars
Inmates waiting to lunge at my throat
I am the prisoner in my own prison
Chained to the walls of my room that wont collapse
Chains that wont break
There's no mask here
I inhale every toxic fume slowly dying day by day
falling around stumbling on even grounds
This prison is my own
And I chain myself to these walls in the torture chamber inhaling the mustard gas while lying cold, scared, and soon to be murdered by the words in my head also known as my inmates.
85 · Apr 2019
Untitled
Katlynn Newell Apr 2019
The waters running
overflowing
The music is blaring
The neighbors are calling
The cops are coming
Gate jumping
Laughing
Friends wondering
Tree climbing and fun having
Knees scraping
Grass staining
Street lighting
Curfew having
Morning waking
Fun day repeating
Ice cream melting
Ball throwing
Frisbee catching
Abandon buildings exploring
Window breaking
Sugar cane tasting
Memory making
85 · Aug 2019
Untitled
Katlynn Newell Aug 2019
Not from my body
Not of my blood
But a piece of my heart.
A princess
Who calls me auntie
85 · Apr 2020
My Bestfriend
Katlynn Newell Apr 2020
My best friend came along unexpected.
we just ended up talking even though we hated each other at first
My best friend had my back. she made sure to stand by me every time.
My best friend put my pieces back together when I didn't think it was possible.
She came in and saw my bruises and ****** noses.
She saw the tears at night and pain in my eyes
She was there.
She helped me
when I had no one and felt all alone
she was my person.
She had patience when I was wasn't the best.
she had love when I had none
She had faith for the both of us when mine was running low.
She picked up the 90 when all I had was 10
and she still does to this day.
My best friend is gods blessing to me.
My best friend is Maryjane.
Yep that's her name
and shes my best friend
shes my sister.
80 · Apr 2020
I bet
Katlynn Newell Apr 2020
I bet you don't know that you saved me
I bet you don't know that you make me feel better than I ever have before
I bet you don't know that your the reason I'm still here
As I sat looking through my messages to people to say goodbye to
I bet you don't know that going back and giving you my number was not what I expected to do
But I did and you made me smile and you helped me through the night I wasn't supposed to make it through
I bet you don't know that I woke up the next morning because for some reason something finally felt right
It felt like someone cared
I bet you don't know that when I say I love you
I truly mean it and you have no clue just how much my heart longs for  you
I bet you don't know just how much I would do to keep you in my life
Because I'd be beaten again
and broken again and hurt again
and shattered again and scared again
As long as the end result was the way I feel when I have you
When I talk to you
When I am held by you
I bet you don't know that you've helped me so much more that you could ever imagine
Because you care and I need that
Because you're funny and after everything I've been through I need that
My smile has recovered
Its back
I bet you don't know the impact you have on my life
But I know that I'm going to try my best to make yours amazing
I know you know I love you
But I bet you don't know how much
I bet a million on you
70 · Jun 2019
shock therapy
Katlynn Newell Jun 2019
No one wants to tell the truth
Like it doesnt get better
You just figure out a way to keep going
Feeling the same feelings
Thinking the same things
Breathing the same air
It hasnt changed time just went by
But time isnt healing these wounds
Times passing
And I'm lacking the strength it takes for me to even begin to want to stay here breathing
This hot air on my face
This huge hole in my heart
This pain in my chest
This darkness clouding my head
Circling and making me dizzy
But its okay it gets better
But it doesnt
They will say it to you but its not true
You will only mask how the heart break feels with people or hobbies
but people walk out
and hobbies get boring
so then your left alone to deal with the thoughts in your head
Can you deal with head
Being inside there
Like  a horror movie with no end
You just fell and now your dead
But hey is it all that bad
It doesnt get better
Ill give you the truth that others dont want to give you
IT DOESNT GET BETTER.
but you could try shock therapy
68 · Jul 2020
Living with Empathy
Katlynn Newell Jul 2020
I'm back and still bleeding the same sugar that got me no where
I'm stuck and still feeling the feelings that they feel
but I don't want to
        WELL YOU'RE GOING TO.
but I don't want to.
        BUT YOU'RE GOING TO ANYWAYS.
I fight with my self some times.
Isn't it funny?
        NOT REALLY
I saw you crying the other day when you were at your house texting me with smiley faces and lols
Empathy man it's just great.
I'd take your pain if I could
       YEAH YOU WILL.
make it stop
Whats wrong?
          JUST TASTE THE HONEY.
I don't like honey
         THEN DRINK THE VINEGAR
I don't like that either.
        BUT IT'S ALWAYS WHAT YOU WANT
but I'm in the back of my own line.
because I'd take your pain, your hurt, and your aches.
I'd take it for you because i already feel it so why not take it all?
       YOU'LL TAKE IT AND LIVE WITH IT GROW ALONG SIDE IT AND CONTINUE TO DO SO TILL I SAY TO STOP.
I said to stop.
But my mind and voice won't come together and agree.
so I'll live with the empathy
58 · Apr 2020
Untitled
Katlynn Newell Apr 2020
shhh

I don't want to think about the many tones in the wind that's blowing past my ears.
I don't want to think about each spark that flies up from the fire.
I just want to enjoy the warmth.
I don't want to think about all the many stitches in my blanket.
I just want to feel the comfort.
I don't want to think about the bubbles escaping my nose when I'm swimming.
I just want to sit at the bottom and take in how beautifully clear it is.
I don't want to think about thinking anymore.
I just want live, and not exist.
29 · Jul 2021
I don't forgive you.
Katlynn Newell Jul 2021
Don't worry I forgive you for not being the people you were supposed to be as a family member.
I understand that you were completely incapable of seeing blood isn't an option
I know that it is now.
I've forgiven you for all the things you have done to me.
All of you
you see me as a corrupted mind.
Someone with problems
But I was your problem.
And you made it simple to solve me by writing me off as someone who you can go and complain to
But you drew the line there because I can't do the same with you.
You made it a point with your sly comments beating around the bush trying to make sure you insult me without being blamed for the words like I was hearing things.
But that's just it.
I was hearing things
I was hearing the spaces between each word.
The fact that I'm here but I'm not.
Because I'm here for you, but I'm not here for me
I forgive you all for not seeing everything that I did right while you found things to literally lie about.
Things that never happened.
yeah, but I'm the crazy one.
but I forgive you for that
I forgive you for not truly treating me as family.
truth is if that's family then I want no part of it.
blood may be thicker than water.
that is true
but everyone has blood running through their veins and ill make my own family.
one where I belong
I forgive you though.
for destroying a family member when they were already falling apart.
For walking away and going to a bar and making me come "home" when I was in my safe place.
For choosing drugs over me
For giving your daughter to me and ripping her away when you decided that you wanted her back for your own selfish benefits.
for sending me to school crying
for kissing an ex of mine from a past three year relationship just a couple months later then apologizing just to do it again a few more months later
For not believing me when things happened simply because you didn't SEE it.
For showing and choosing one daughter that changed your life with the same birthday.
For not leaving when I moved out at 12
For not asking me to come back when I was 13
for waiting till I was graduated to care.
For telling me I need help.
I do
For being the last people that I can come too.
I guess I don't forgive you.
Because you cant take responsibility for your actions
how can you when those actions are being repeated?
No, I don't forgive you.
But, seriously, when would you ever apologize anyway?
27 · Jul 2021
Just a ghost
Katlynn Newell Jul 2021
My shadow faded
and now there's a ghost behind this silhouette
wondering the night.

— The End —