I want to go
But I always seem to stay
Does that mean I'm in love?
Or does it make me a coward?

I want to call you but you don't want to talk to me. Which is understandable, considering every time our hearts collide it seems to leave us shattered.

But for some inexplicable reason I can't pull my mind far enough from you to fill the holes your bullets left in my heart. And the worst part is I'm not even angry, because I left scars on you when you intercepted the wounds that were intended for myself.

It's almost like we loved too hard that we forgot to let the other person breathe but we were scared that loosening the grip would lead to loneliness. And we are so hurt that its being projected onto the other person because its much easier to accept that you drove us apart instead of me.

I knew the words that spilled from my mouth were acid to your skin and they speak more about my insecurities than your downfalls. I drove a transport truck full of all the work we put into us straight into a wall but I tried and couldn't find the breaks.

The saddest part is that I can't even remember why I was angry, I think I was mostly scared of losing you. And I did that day.

All things have an end
Today, thats what I've learned
It doesn't matter who you are
Even lovers burn

She glitters beneath the light
Skin so fair
It glows at night

Coaxes you with charm
A puppet show
Causes no harm

Whispers like the trees
Barely there
She's on her knees

A piece of art
She's laughing
Quickest way to steal a heart

Fun and games
A carnival
She no longer wants to play

She is winter wind
Cold and there
Then gone again

I can stand in a room full of people
and feel nothing but sadness
because no one really knows the important parts of me
So I pour a drink
My chest starts to shrink
My mind starts to race
All I can think about is how I should've just left those ******* chips in the bowl
And I make myself a double this time
Because I hate what I am wearing
It clings in all the wrong places- "Why would I wear this when I knew I would be eating so much today"
And the answer is that I thought I wouldn't be eating.
I don't want to look at myself so I plan to drink until I can no longer see
To the boy who is supposed to notice these things,
I have come to spite you for the minuscule amounts of attention you give me these days
Out of everyone in the room you, are supposed to be looking at me
And the only thing you've noticed is how much of your ***** I have already had
Your eyes seem to glaze over the fact that there are tears in mine
Your mouth is too busy to realize I have not opened mine in 30 minutes
So I pour myself another drink because I want to look busy
But why haven't you noticed that all I needed is for you to ask "are you okay?"
I put my drink down and I slip to the bathroom where I succumb to my demons and drop to my knees
The first time today where I have felt at ease
I make it quick and pop a gum in my mouth
You tell me not to drink anymore
All I wanted to hear was that you think I am beautiful
Instead I hear that you don't like what I'm wearing
Just know that I lied when you asked if I threw up
So I creep into the kitchen and pour myself a drink

I want to run away to a beautiful place
Where no one knows of my past mistakes
And maybe, just maybe,
I will be happy

Emotions crash into me like waves
And I struggle to keep my head above the water
I have never loved someone so fiercely
I have never missed someone so much
I never had a clue until you kissed me that night in August
But I melted in a way only your lips could induce

They say you don't get over your first love
Seeing you again has proved that true

Why is this generation filled with such angst?
Bathing in anxiety and sadness as if we are truly alone
Using ***** to drown our sorrows
Drugs to numb the pain
Maybe we just want to feel something
In a world that has turned to screens for solace
We are not alone
You are not alone

I have been choking on these words for months now. I am sorry for what I am about to say, and I hope you find it somewhere in your heart to forgive me someday. There is no reason for me to leave except for the constant longing for me to be on my own. And I want you to know that I would not be who I am today without the love and support that came from you. You've helped build me up from an awkward 16 year old girl, to a strong, independent young woman. I am so sorry for telling you that I loved you long after I knew that it was a lie. I am sorry for not being honest with you earlier, there is no denying that I am a coward. If there is anything in this world I could change I would fall in love with you again and again because there is no one I have met who has treated me as well as you. When I came back to you I wanted to love you so badly that I started to convince myself. I don't know when I fell out of love, but I'm not even sure I ever fell in love with you. Knowing that I am breaking your heart with every word that I write creates a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes so I need you to know that this is not easy for me, either. I will always love you, cherish you, and respect you. Know that it is okay to be sad and lost for a little while, but find it in yourself to pick yourself up and move on with your life. You will find someone much better for you than me. I hope that the next girl that you love can love you so fiercely that you forget the sound of my laugh and the way my hair smells. I hope her names fills all of the places where mine currently reside, as long as you think of me from time to time. When you see a girl with shoulder length hair in the corner of Starbucks, or smell Daisy by Marc Jacobs on your waitress as she refills your drink, I hope your mind flickers back to memories of us laughing in your car the summer I turned 17, just for a moment. Promise me that you will not settle for anyone who doesn't take a picture of you any moment she gets. Make sure she encourages you everyday to follow your dreams. Someone who knows you will always choose white sauce over red on your pasta. Someone who makes you laugh and wipes away your tears, someone who is always honest with you even when the truth hurts. You are the most amazing, compassionate and driven human that I have met, and I hope that all of your wildest dreams come true. There is no reason for me to leave, but I have come to terms with the fact that wanting to is enough.

I don't know why I always need a ******* chase
Why I can't be satisfied with someone who just loves me and actually treats me well
It just makes me so angry
And I run far far away

If you're reading this and think you can fix that, you can't
If you're reading this and willing to try, please don't
Please just stay far far away
All you're doing is giving me ammo
I will destroy anything left on purpose
Why?
I wish I knew

The harder you will me home
The further I'll go
And if you want me at all
You'll have to know
That I'm sorry for this
That I brought you here

Because I guess even this is part of my charade
So when you tell me you love me
And that it will all be okay

Remember I only ever let you see the parts of me I wanted to show you
And I am so good at making it seem like you know more than you do
Because you never really ******* knew anything about me at all

I knew what I was doing
Its what I do best

The girl who cried wolf
Its her favourite game
She begged them for freedom
But she wanted to stay
In a world she created
One bound by self harm
And her demands had coaxed her
With silky smooth charm
So she laughed in their face
threw her meds down the drain

The girl who cried wolf
Is how she'll be remembered

This is wine poetry
No edits and no drafts
My mind is going 100 miles a minute
So quick its only dark
So dark its only nothing