You are quicksand
and I am always fighting back,
sinking fast
into you.
Your dirt fills my mouth
and my smoker's lungs.
You pull me under
like an anchor tethered to a ship
I drown in a sea
of you.

We strip each other bare
in the name of ***
I have never felt so exposed
as I am, tangled in your limbs and blankets
illuminated by the light of your computer monitor
playing something I've long forgotten the name of.
I feel it after I've returned to my own bed
I am still stripped bare because you are under my skin
and I scrub until I am rubbed raw
but I can feel your hands, covering me
and I can smell your scent on all of my clothes
in a heap on the floor, taunting me.

you used to meet me in my dreams
after every quiet morning and late night
you were always there
just waiting for me to come back to you
and although they've become less frequent
i still see you every now and then
but i miss you more than any of these words
will ever let you understand.
you whisper “i’ll see you in dreamland”
and fall into your bed but i’m still here
and you’re not coming back.

I will not get on my knees
And bow at your feet
Or beg and plead
For you to stay here
And cuddle me in
Like you always did.
I do not need you
Or your voice
Raised against mine
Acting as if you can
sweep me off of my feet
Just to collide with the ground,
Again and again
Using only hands and lips, you
Left marks on my bones and
your scent covering my skin.
Tracing lines down my spine
you read each vertabrae
like your favourite book,
Again and again.
And I have given chances
One, two, and three.
I've since stopped trying to
deny you, and my protests
an attempt to convince you
and myself
that I am strong enough to say no
but it always comes out as
yes, yes, yes.

I've been biting my cheek to keep from grinding my teeth,
clenched jaw, I can barely speak.
You make my blood boil while my heart is skipping beats.
The line between love and hate is faded and repainted
time and time again.
You're all of my worst habits aggregated,
and I can't quit one or you
to save my life.
Like you did, when I lost everything and almost everyone.
You

I know it was mostly me, I asked too much
you gave everything, still.
I apologise, I could not handle your particular brand of crazy
or your self-righteous attitude.
It was always something I'd said or done
and it gave me thrills to wind you up.

Then you snapped, slapping and choking
over a question about a film.
I screamed so loud that your father woke up.
He didn't do a **** thing.

Stranded in a strange city, broke and phoneless
I stayed.

You spent the night on the couch while I cried
alone in your bed.
We fought again the next morning
over the busted radio in your ******* car.
You slammed the breaks and smashed my head
and I knew then that I did not love you
still, I stayed.
for a week or two
and then I called it quits,

I still don't blame you,
because *I stayed