I’m the most complicated person when it comes to saying what I want. But I know exactly what I want. Although getting that is beside the point what I want is to move at my own pace. There is so much pressure in there needing to be a decision and rushing into a commitment before there's even a true connection. I'm looking for any excuse to not fall for someone because deep down I'm not ready and the loneliness will never be as strong as the respect I have for myself. A body next to me at night will never fill the void. There's something bigger than a chance at love that is holding me back. It could be that my heart was broken enough to break me, my body used like a lifeless blow up doll without a choice time and time again by too many, by giving myself to only one and be taken by one, two, three, four, five. To be beaten for half of my young life and held down, degraded, ashamed of the skin I lived in and voice I spoke. The numbers are too much to fathom but I am worthy of love but not before I let go and love myself… #MeToo
This may not be poetry to you but to me, being vulnerable and telling your story is what it's all about. Though I can't go in to detail about all five, this is a stepping stone in the healing process of what began at the age of 14. The 12 years of an abusive marriage and relationship and the few years following where freedom was also my prison. I'm now open to loving myself for the first time.