I wish that I could be like you
go through the day and handle minor inconveniences as what they are
rather than breaking down because you dropped a paintbrush
I wish that I could be like you
laying down in bed, closing your eyes, and going to sleep without trouble
rather than struggling to be able to close your eyes
I wish that I was like you
drinking because it's fun or something new to try
rather than it being an escape from reality and a new addiction
I wish that I was like you
able to go through life without needing something to numb it down
rather than using every blade, drink, drug, or person that you can.
I wish that I was normal
rather than this mess of a person that can't get up
to take a shower most of the days
but you say normal is overrated
maybe to you, as you're so used to it
but for a freak like me, god, for a freak like me
that's paradise.

Nah. Y'all are always romanticizing depression and bipolarity but yall for real don't ******* understand the struggle until you've been without your pills and suddenly you get them back and they lowered the dosage when you needed higher ones. I'm sobbing right now because I cant seem to get up to being even halfway normal. And yeah, normal doesn't exist, but you know what **** sure isn't normal? Struggling not to **** yourself every single day, struggling not to switch your moods because that **** is impossible, and sometimes you don't even realize it until you're being yelled at right-back, then you get your feelings hurt because you feel like everyone's against you because WOW welcome to mental illness. I can't help being so ******* impulsive and scared and ****. You know, this **** feels like ******* trash. You feel insecurity on steroids and you can't keep a ******* relationship of any sort stable. **** *****. One moment it's like I love someone so intensely that ill die with them, and the next they could just disappear and I wouldn't give a ****. I feel like everyone's against me when I don't have my meds and then they go and lower the dosage???? Do you have any idea how long I went undiagnosed andunfuckingtreated? That **** almost killed me. I get a chance of being just ******* okay. Just content and this **** happens. Am I being overdramatic? Yeah. Guess what. It happens with BPD and bipolarity. The paranoia that's stress-based. Loss of contact with reality. Suicidal threats or behavior or self-harm are usually in response to separation or rejection, and like I said I already feel like everyone's against me cause of this ****. And then on top of that, there's my depression and anxiety. Let me ******* tell you, this **** is torture. I want just a day. Just one where I can feel like I'm okay. But go ahead keep romanticizing depression and anxiety and bipolarity and BPD, but you don't ******* get how much this kills you inside and out. I'm done with my rant. I feel better. Getting through life one day at a time. I just needed to get this off my chest.

Desire... maddening...
...destructive inside.
What a waste of a healthy body
designated to be mine.
These healthy limbs have no use
under the command of my crippled mind.
My head spins in disgust for my own kind,
for myself, for my equals, for my life.
This need is like acid, corroding my every cell,
leaving me cornered on my own edge.
My skin is burning... and it's desire,
a primal urge haunting me at night.