I wish that I could be like you
go through the day and handle minor inconveniences as what they are
rather than breaking down because you dropped a paintbrush
I wish that I could be like you
laying down in bed, closing your eyes, and going to sleep without trouble
rather than struggling to be able to close your eyes
I wish that I was like you
drinking because it's fun or something new to try
rather than it being an escape from reality and a new addiction
I wish that I was like you
able to go through life without needing something to numb it down
rather than using every blade, drink, drug, or person that you can.
I wish that I was normal
rather than this mess of a person that can't get up
to take a shower most of the days
but you say normal is overrated
maybe to you, as you're so used to it
but for a freak like me, god, for a freak like me
that's paradise.

Nah. Y'all are always romanticizing depression and bipolarity but yall for real don't ******* understand the struggle until you've been without your pills and suddenly you get them back and they lowered the dosage when you needed higher ones. I'm sobbing right now because I cant seem to get up to being even halfway normal. And yeah, normal doesn't exist, but you know what **** sure isn't normal? Struggling not to **** yourself every single day, struggling not to switch your moods because that **** is impossible, and sometimes you don't even realize it until you're being yelled at right-back, then you get your feelings hurt because you feel like everyone's against you because WOW welcome to mental illness. I can't help being so ******* impulsive and scared and ****. You know, this **** feels like ******* trash. You feel insecurity on steroids and you can't keep a ******* relationship of any sort stable. **** *****. One moment it's like I love someone so intensely that ill die with them, and the next they could just disappear and I wouldn't give a ****. I feel like everyone's against me when I don't have my meds and then they go and lower the dosage???? Do you have any idea how long I went undiagnosed andunfuckingtreated? That **** almost killed me. I get a chance of being just ******* okay. Just content and this **** happens. Am I being overdramatic? Yeah. Guess what. It happens with BPD and bipolarity. The paranoia that's stress-based. Loss of contact with reality. Suicidal threats or behavior or self-harm are usually in response to separation or rejection, and like I said I already feel like everyone's against me cause of this ****. And then on top of that, there's my depression and anxiety. Let me ******* tell you, this **** is torture. I want just a day. Just one where I can feel like I'm okay. But go ahead keep romanticizing depression and anxiety and bipolarity and BPD, but you don't ******* get how much this kills you inside and out. I'm done with my rant. I feel better. Getting through life one day at a time. I just needed to get this off my chest.