Every day is
The same--
Cold, dry
and empty
inside.

Boy, don't you dare look at me like that.

Like I'm a question, a riddle, a puzzle, jigsaw pieces that don't quite fit with each other. Like I'm an unsatisfactory answer, a justification riddled with holes, a problematic solution to a solvable problem. Don't look at me as if I'm a blank sheet of paper, as if you can see what isn't there, as if you see beyond this cage while even I can't see through it. Just...don't look at me.

Boy, don't you dare talk to me like that.

Like I'm a pulsating time-bomb that is always on the verge of explosion but never really toppling over the edge, like a shard of glass that cuts everything it touches yet can be easily crushed into mere beads of crystals, a beer bottle with liquid forgetfulness as its contents, a bucket of blood, sweet, luscious agony, a cacophony of pounding hearts and rasping breaths. Don't talk to me as if you know I'm about to shatter because I'm not going to be scattered in front of you, no, boy, trust me, I can handle this.

I can handle this.

Boy, don't you dare stay with me like I'm the one who needs you, like I'm the one aching for you, like I'm the one who loves you, like you're the one for me. Don't get close to me as if you're actually planning to touch me, don't, I hurt everyone, please don't touch me like this. Like the soft brush of a bird's wings against the sunset, the caress of ink against paper, the whisper of the wind thumbing through the rustling leaves, boy, don't get close to me.

Please don't come near, I am an explosion of splinters and jaded rocks and pain and anger and spite, boy, stay away from the explosion. You might get hurt trying to help me, I don't need your help, I don't need the glimmer of your smile, the vastness of your eyes, the comfort of your lips, I don't need you, boy, listen to my lies, believe them as if I am a stranger to you, an unread book, an unused drawer, boy, I'm no good for you. I'm not good enough for you. Listen to my lies and believe them.

Boy, don't you dare love me like I'm your forever, because I'm not and I will never be, I am not forever. I am only a single instant, a flicker of flame, the dying light, the purple dusk, I can't be yours, boy, I'm not enough. Don't you dare care for me as if I'm a snapped wing, a broken bone, a bruised face, a torn knot of sinew that still won't stop beating at the bars of its prison, boy, I can't let my heart out of its prison, it's dangerous when it's out of its cage, boy, it might see you. It might know you and recognize you as my forever, and I will trip over my own feet falling into your eyes, boy, this heart needs to remain caged in its prison.

Boy, don't scold me about this, I know what I'm doing, I won't wear my heart on my sleeve, I won't set it free no matter how many times it hurts itself trying to break the bars of its jail, even if the edges of my ribs become knives with serrated edges I won't let this stop, I won't let this heart out.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, my heart.

Please forgive me, boy, I lied, I've lied so many times I've lost count, so many times the truth is nowhere to be found but in my chest, no, boy, I won't let you in. My insides are hollow and lined with blades, all you'll find there is hurt and anguish and blood and unshed tears, and silent screams and the soundless slamming of fist against flesh and bone, boy, I can't let you see this. I can't let you get hurt.

I'm sorry, heart, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Boy, I know you know me, I know you know I love you, so please, please stay away. I am no good for you, I am not good enough, not whole enough, not enough, boy, I'm just not enough to fill the empty spaces inside you, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, my heart, boy, I love you, I love you, boy, leave me now and don't ever show yourself again.

Just don't.

Please don't.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Boy.

Please don't break my heart.

With everyone's attention fixed
on the bomb in town
killing eight important men
and women
the island was calm
like a safe haven
getting safer
for the passionate youth
assembly
as a policeman arrived
by boat

But he did not talk much
did not answer questions much
on the boat there
and as they arrived
he shot those who asked
and the coast was clear

Like in a violent game
there were shouts and screams
and he cheered
with every experience ****
and as exploding bullets tore
bodies
and sent frightened fugitives
to their deaths on the cliffs
or in the cold water
he laughed
and he killed more
than just the spirits
of 69 youths
that day

The days, the months, the years just keep flying by
but where there used to be tears have now been
replaced with cheers that I am still here
and I sit looking out the window as I travel
down the road of life observing and learning
from experience that everyone has their own
little or maybe big secrets that will never ever
be revealed to anyone and so many pretend
to be something or someone that they are not
as they often overlook the fact that
the truth will always be the truth
even if no one believes it but a lie is still a lie
even if everyone believes it.

I am who I am and what you see is what you get
and your approval is not needed and some of the time
I live in seclusion seemingly trapped in some illusion
lost but found as the world keeps spinning around
as there are times there  seems no escape
from my confusion but I am happy alone
because there I can roam the innards of my mind
and like the three things that cannot be hidden-
the sun, the moon, and the truth,
my words always find their way out.

I am who I am, an Artist/writer
and I let my power of love overcome
my love of power and through my words of love
I tell no lies and what I am in your eyes
doesn't really matter and I don't care
what others think because I don't live my life
for anybody but me.

Others can live their lies and pretend
but in the end all will know what they really are
and there will be no love only shame
that will fit like a glove as they shovel the dirt
over their grave leaving only those left behind
to feel their pain.

I am far from being what I want to be
but with my soul's help I shall succeed
as I am not an adventurer by choice but by fate
and the more I think about it the more I realize
that there is nothing more artistic
then to love others with the words that I write
and writing those words that are in my soul
makes the pain stop so I write away my pain
expecting no gain except to know that
somewhere somehow my words gave
someone the ability to love again.          Jon  York          2013

You love me even though I am broken and scarred, not because.
(And that has made all the difference)
You have shown up in your alabaster skin, taut and shaking ready to take on my past demons
Not because they are yours, or similar but because you can't feel me shaking anymore without shaking yourself
(And that has made all the difference)
Your green eyes hold a steel core, mighty as your too large hands,
Never ready to strike me, only ready to move me away from the battle
(And that has made all the difference)
I admire you because you have enveloped me into your soul even though mine is black, not because.
And that has made all the difference.

You screamed at me
As the tears slowly
Streamed from your eyes
And you never told me why

All you told me is
Don't be like me baby boy
Grow up and be smart
So your kids won't steal toys

A walking habit
A flying contradiction
You left me dying
When you were in prison

A child of the night
Soul flooding with pain
Overflowing into fights
Eyes red from the strain

Child born from the sandbox
Spirit living parallel to muck
Down the slide he was caught
He was mentally thunderstruck

Then the facade began to rust
I attempted to resist the talk
A broken necklace like our trust
You left me in the pine box

Buried alive
Barely alive
Dirt in my nails
As I climb

Buried alive
Barely alive
Dirt in my nails
As I climb

What did a child mean to you
You told me don't be afraid
But I was too used to you
Then you were taken away

Old playgrounds left in your wake
Stressed out generational swings
Much like the mood we would play
Then see what the enemy brings

Kites down with bullet holes
Too hungry with no cereal
Serial killers fill the room
Face to face with true doom

Sleeping every night
Dreaming about you
Played football all the time
Played and lived for you

You shook your head at me
Wondering how I turned out this way
All you remember is feeding me
Happy Meals, lies, and games

Disappointment you said you feel
You gave me wounds that wont heal
Sword at my throat, once a shield
Then I was thrown into the fields

My eyes are older and colder
6 year old left to the slaughter
The old you, well I adore her
You sold her off then I bought her

As a child soldier, on my knees
Begging at the steps of the city
Grabbed my gun then squeezed
If anyone dared show any pity

The priest touched me and never loved me
Used the book as an excuse to continue the abuse
Left bruises all over me, left me weak and ******
Then I went back to my cousins room and found my tools

Tools to find a new way
Foster homes not the way
Never found a way to pray
Today was lived  yesterday

Broke the latch on my casket
Master would never have it
My old rose, oh I grabbed it
Threw it down then laughed at it

I turned out just like you
No I turned out much worse
I don't see a thing in you
Take it for what it's worth

The playground is closed
It went with you long ago
My heart broke with my soul
Then was rebuilt by the crows
Followed you wherever you would go
If only you would have come to know
The ways in which I'd come to grow
Before the playground closed