Loving the abstract you

Now that you in flesh are
No longer here

(Many years,
So long)

Your hair unplugs the bathroom

Harsh words
Entail no tears

Your beauty lingers
Burned under my eyelids
And your perspicacity
Shields my fear

I need to know that two people can be happy together forever.
I want to see a couple who makes it, but is also happy.
I remember when I was little, I use to hear kids talk about how their parents are divorced.
I always said to kids, I’m lucky I have two parents.
But what kids didn’t know is that there was screaming and yelling.
Kids and teachers didn’t know how unhappy I was growing up because of my parents.
I was unhappy about a lot of things, I shouldn’t say I was unhappy solely because of my parents and how their relationship was.
I have never had a good example to lead me into the right direction, I never had a couple I could look up to and say I want to be like that when I grow up.
The relationships I have had fail because of one thing or another.
Every kid needs a good relationship, a good example to look up to.
I can’t say I have one and that might be why everything seems to crumble and fail.

Love becomes the ******* child of collusion , empty rooms scream , episodic trips to the window of the normal world
Arms that contain heightened emotion
Enter every bad day , hurt -
dilated wave of ****** naked admission
in the cold , laughter at the ugly middle child
going nowhere , useless musical jobless freak
A pillow to put our heads upon , rusted steel to scrape
the dog **** off , a servant to perform the will of family
when their 'laborious' day is done
The über Christian brother , the spiteful mother
The hateful sister , the self shot dead father
Thinking continues
Panic ensues , the pills go down , the lights go out
The accepting bed understands
Sleep , the fair weather friend of absolution* ..

My father got me a new cell phone, another new change.
I wish I could keep my old one, because your number is in my phone that I have now.
I can’t put your number in my new phone, my parents will think I still like you.
I can’t like you, I can’t.
I need to move on, I need to move on.
You were my first kiss, my first love.
My first heart break.
I love you, I always will in a way.
I can’t be with you, never.
People would think it’s wrong.
I can’t believe all you wanted was my body, I can't believe you would want my body at all.
You say you love me, but then we don’t talk for months. It’s not your fault I know.
I received a call telling me you were missing, my world stopped.
I couldn’t breathe and I was crying.
I was sobbing wondering if you were truly gone.
Hating you because I thought you had run away and left everything behind.
I thought you had left me. Did you leave me?
Is it over? Should I let go of you and leave you behind?
Should I leave all the conversations and promises behind and pretend they never existed?

.

The grapes,
dangling from a leafy vine,
an off-season vintage
in well water dreams
where I come out the victor,
the gallant one
who leads her from the wine
to savor the brandy
poured slowly,
steadily
with affection

but

It is just a dream,
as I awaken
to realize
the alcoholic content
does not meet the region
along a hillside vineyard,
dripping into a café carafe
tempting fruits
that are far sweeter
than something
produced
with feeling