If there’s one thing I’ve learned
In my 18 years of drowning
It’s that we all do.
We’re all stuck in a glass tube,
Water trickling in,
Surrounding us.
Creeping closer with every breath taken.
Inhale, exhale.
For some of us, it’s a waterfall,
For others a mere leaky faucet.
But no matter the speed of the water,
We all face the risk of drowning,
Some quicker than others.
And lately,
I don’t quite feel like treading water anymore.

I often get the question 'Who hurt you so badly that you started to hate yourself?' And the answer is no one.

There was no one to hurt me because there was never anyone there.

There was no one there when I was 10 years old and my dad pulled hair out of my mom's scalp,
Or when I was 13 and he choked her in front of me.
There was no one there when I was 13 and I made my first cut,  not know it would be followed by thousands more.
There was no one there at year 16, at 3 am when I had a stomach full of pills wishing I was dead
Or two months ago,  when I was 17 and sexually assaulted and all I wanted was my best friend.
But she was done being the friend of the difficult girl.
And no one was here tonight,  at age 18, when my thighs turned into red, sticky rivers.
No one will be here tomorrow,  or at age 19
Or 23
46
Or 92.
It will always just be me.