Would the happy couple like to come onto the floor for the first dance
Do you take this woman
Would the man in the crowd like to join them for his last waltz
I now pronounce you
The last waltz
No words to be spoken, he promised
Instead, he watched as she danced out of his life forever
She couldn’t keep his eyes from talking, not now
Does he catch your tears and build an ocean
Does he touch your face when you are sleeping
Does he know your spot of misadventure
Does he, does he, does he
The night drinks to life that should have been
The last dance
Would the happy couple come onto the floor for the final time
Mr and Mrs
Would the man in the crowd like to die now
The final goodbye
You look
Shhhh
She presses
Keepsake
Something Blue.

Ah, Timothy dear friend
Did she steal your heart
Cut you with those razor eyes of beauty
Break you in two
You’re just a man, mere mortal
Never in this world could you tie her down
No jewels, no cars, no house
Just free to take your soul
But you’ve been lucky dear friend
Bittersweet it may feel
No flesh to console
Just a heavy heart
Ah, Timothy dear friend
The game of love is cruel
But would you change it
No
We all want to be on
If only for a time
That beautiful journey.

What’s a lovely girl like you doing in a dump like this.
I own it.
That course i took is working well.
Was that the diplomatic course.
It was, have you been on it.
Have i asked you any stupid questions.
Not yet, but give it time.
Ask me another question.
What’s your name.
Sonya.
You’re kidding, did your parents not like you.
Did you actually attend that course.
Well i sort of started the online application, but this **** site popped up and i got distracted.
Did anything else pop up.
That’s quite witty, Sonya.
It wasn’t meant to be. I was meaning, did any religious sites pop up.
Well they do say God works in mysterious ways. So i’m thinking he came through as ***** Bertha from Berlin.
Are you a bit rusty chatting up women.
Well i have just come out of a long term relationship.
Sorry to hear that, how long were you together.
A week.
Wish i hadn’t asked now. Was that a full week.
Well a week is a week.
Not necessarily, it might have been Saturday, Sunday.
I suppose so.
So was it.
No, it was Wednesday, Saturday.
So technically it was four days.
If you want to be pedantic about it.
What about your relationship before that.
Eight days.
What’s your longest relationship.
Three weeks.
That must have seemed like a marriage to you.
Actually my wife died tragically.
I’m really sorry, that was insensitive of me.
Only kidding Sonya, she ran off with the window cleaner. The windows have never recovered.
My God, you’re a train wreck.
You want to be on that train, don’t you Sonya.
I do, i actually want to go out with you. Why the hell do i want to go out with you.
Well Sonya, if you don’t go out with me. Then one fine day you’ll marry this boring guy, and i’ll be at the back of your mind.
But in my mind, I’ve already dumped you.
Not necessarily Sonya, this could be a match made in heaven.
It won't be, I’ve already known you five minutes, and already you’re doing my head in.
Well that is a sort of a relationship, is it not.
I suppose so. I don’t even know your name.
It’s Paul.
Paul, did your parents not like you.
Do you see what you did there, Sonya.
*** i’ve become you, how the hell did that happen.
I’m not sure Sonya, maybe we shouldn’t go out together.
No we must, it’s like i need to go out with you for my sanity’s sake.
Okay Sonya, pick you up at eight tomorrow night...

She was definitely dumping him
All she needed was the right opportunity
It was like that song
Fifty ways to leave your lover
Now just to get it through to him
You’re crap in the sack Jack
If only you were more like Stan
What a man
Or even Gus
Though you do have a lot in common with Gus
You always go by bus
God, you’re so last year
Out on your ear
Okay maybe that was a bit severe
Need a new plan
I’m just going to tell you straight
Before it’s too late
Don't come on all coy
There's something I have to tell you
It's about me and Roy
I’m having his boy
I know what you’re going to say
What happened to Lee
Let me see
It started on the bus
Him and Gus
I don’t want to discuss
Okay, well Stan caught them
Do I need to spell it out
Stan said they were all like brothers
Now it seems they two are lovers
Stan was devastated
I mean, was that in the plan
Anyway, Roy told him about us
Which was fatal for you and Gus
When the driver braked
Driving the bus
Stan no more
So I end this letter
Missing you Jack
Such a young age to leave
Just turned fifty, lover.

The day breaks and the morning comes alive
The down and outs leave their luxurious trappings
The shop doorways are hosed down
The rush hour rushes by
Shop girls display tomorrow's must haves
Perfume lingers over the first hit of coffee
Gossip travels at high speed
Numb minding work begins
Old lady fidgets with new generation card
The war was easier she sighs
Kids try to sell you tomorrows version of yesterday's wheel
No catch up it seems in the technological world
Only the race to the bottom
Traders popping uppers invent the ten day week
Live for today, dollar tomorrow
Gold and sharp suits can’t hide the body crumbling
Clinics battery charge the fading hopefuls
New lease of life, the temporary meltdown
One born every minute
Evening drinks ***** the day from hell
Home time sets tomorrow's doom alarm
The night people emerge
Shop doorway heaters blowing, provide luxury
Last weeks paper catches his eye
He immediately goes to stocks and shares
Things are looking great
Just as he predicted
The twenty four year old drifts off to sleep, smiling thoughts of yesteryear
Those were the days
Those were the days.

Some guys just want you for ***
And I can see that
But I really think that would be doing you an injustice
I want to know the real you
And who knows, maybe a relationship
Take it to a higher level
Who knows, we could be forever young
What do you think.

That’s quite good Paul,I mean, compared to last week's effort anyway.

Was last week’s bad.

Let me see now, you’re pulled.

Did that lack substance.

It was sort of to the point.

And that was bad.

Well I did mention it to you the next morning.

Was that in between you’re a crap lover.

You said you could do it all night.

I did do it all night, slept like a baby.

I know, but that wasn’t exactly what I had in mind.

Did I or did I not show you a great time in the morning.

No, you said you had to get a run in.

I know, but after that, were you or were you not screaming.

Are you surprised, there was blood everywhere, thought somebody had attacked you. how was I to know you fell down a hill.

After that, did you not say it was out of this world.

I could have said anything, I was still traumatised.

I’m not surprised your husband doesn’t understand you. You staying at your sisters by the way.

No, she’s at mines.

Did you two read the marriage contract. I mean, I’m not religious or anything, but I think the Priest would be a little concerned about your infidelity.

Have you met father Tom.

Don’t think so.

You have, he was the guy giving you *** tips.

Was that him, he was brilliant, told me all the things that turned you on.

****** great, you get the advice, I get the Hail Marys.

The benefits of Mary, would vary
Unlike June, ended at noon
Chelsea played away
So did May
Holly turned to folly
With Molly wanting lolly
Sandy was always randy
Just no satisfying Mandy
Ann says she can
But Gwen needs a plan
Jo is good to go
Teri doesn’t know
Daisy says it’s not working out
May,  i’m never about
Mary, who the hell is Mandy
God, Molly’s talking to Holly
Chelsea’s playing away
Be with her May
Oh Sandy not today
Mandy’s on the way
Jo, could you go
Gwens found a plan
Involving Teri
Who’s talking to Ann
Mary and June
In the afternoon
Chelsea’s playing away
Where will it end
Daisy, i love you so
Oh no, make them go
Who’s at the door
Mary and June, Holly and Molly
Oh golly
Sandy and Mandy, Ann and Gwen
God, amen
Teri and Jo
Please not Daisy
It’s all going hazy
We’ve just got one thing to say
What’s that
Chelsea's playing away.

I think it was yesterday
Sure she said it was
She’d known about it for weeks
Yesterday was the right time to bring it up
It started months ago
Things were difficult back then
I can’t remember the exact day
Back then
But why would i
You don’t look back, do you
I mean, you don’t think to yourself
Last month i started an affair
People don’t do that
They might say
Last month i ended the affair
It was really about a year earlier
We got talking
Just about past relationships
I mean, you don’t think for a minute
You’re actually entering into a past relationship
But in hindsight maybe you should
It’s been a month since we split up
Looking back
I can see where it all went wrong
But that was yesterday
No point looking back now.

Angie goes on down and blows your mind
Captivates your body makes you blind
Puts you in a rage, but then you find
She kisses your love divine
Angie wakes you up, and lets you know
It’s nearly time to go
Sits upon your lap, and starts to glow
Lets her body show, lets her body show
Angie begs you to stay whilst opening the door
You know it’s time to go
Tells you, come again make it soon
Sailing ships at noon
Angie waves the ship goodbye
I swore I saw her cry
Just a face in a soldiers dream
My Angie, souvenir of oceans been.

Brian, you’re so boring.

So you keep telling me.

Why can’t you be more spontaneous.

Did I or did I not bring you in a daffodil.

You brought in a dandelion.

Think of it as a gesture.

That’s what I mean, it's a token, now Mary's boyfriend robbed a bank to buy her a ring.

That's the guy who’s doing ten years.

That's besides the point.

So you want me to rob a bank for you.

No, I want you to be more like Tasman's boyfriend, he went on top of a moving truck with a banner saying, I love you Tasman. So romantic.

That was the guy who died when the truck went under a low bridge.

That’s not the point.

And another thing, at the funeral, why were your friends calling me Brent.

I was trying to make you sound sophisticated.

Oh you did that alright, Brian Crude became Brent Crude, your idiot friends thought it was hilarious.

Well, how the hell was I to know it was an oil company.

He thought to himself, you want something romantic, I’ll ****** well give you something romantic.

Why did you give me a giant Teddy bear? This is what I mean! Jist think for two seconds, will you.

Two days later

Erm. What's this?

If I didn't know better, I'd think that it's a letter.

Ha-ha. It's addressed to the teddy bear: "Only for teddy".

Well then you should give it to teddy.

Don't be silly, a stuffed animal can't read. And it's your hand writing.

Well I'm sorry but it's between me and Teddy.

#later that night while he was out, she just couldn't help herself.

"Dear Teddy,

I hope you're well. I'm sending you this letter because as we discussed earlier, I won't be home tonight. I wanted to make sure you'd take good care of my girl. Just remember, she likes:

- warm cuddles
- chocolate
- chick flicks
- long conversations
- kissed on the forehead
- roses

I knew you wouldn't be able to pick up some of the above so DHL is delivering the chocs, Eat Pray Love the movie and roses tonight. Be sure to be home at 8 pm.

I expect you to take your responsibilities seriously. One wrong cuddle can make her over think all night. I better not find her over thinking. You know how special she is to me.

Best regards,

Brent"

A Paul Gaffney& Lily Nurmi production.

He bleeds, for he is weak
Tortured thoughts
He bleeds some more
Preaches to the mild
So reverent in their eyes
Looking down, he sermons
The cross is bearing
Impure thoughts
He bleeds some more
The thoughts get stronger
Penance for the soul
He touches his scars
Sacrificed for his lord
The prayers cleanse
He is pure
Gods chosen one
Standing before his flock
He sermons
They call to him
He sees her
The scars open.

The funeral was well attended
Nobody came
It was sad in a way
Clashed with the dog passing away
There was a friend with a leg
When I say a leg
I actually mean two
Though he had the flu
The Priest nearly made it
But he passed too
The butcher discussed it with the baker
In the newsagents where the notice was placed
Was it his wife who put it in
Well yes, to begin
Then a black guy called Fred
Placed another, hopefully dead
Followed by Titch
Who looked quite rich
But was really his *****
Not to detract from Simon
Frowned the butcher, calling him pieman
Though, that was simplistic
The florist  cried foul
She had the contract
But just for a while
It was left to the undertaker
Wade
Who had to subcontract
When thieves stole his *****
Joe from the pub
With the maths degree
Discussed the angles
Buried under a tree
Bernadette, at the bookmakers
Had to agree
Rushing off to mass
Father Joe listened with glee
It was a trying day in the village of Dull
The pub was in mourning
There was a definite lull
But one thing was agreed
As they slowly got ******
Rover the dog
Would surely be missed.

The priest came on at Paddington
Sat across from me
I nodded in a nonchalant way
He gazed inside of me
So strange
Like he knew
Where I was going to
Mrs Black, just ***
Well that’s not really true
There was her friend
But that was because Mrs Black had the flu
You can understand the sacrifice I made
I know you can relate
Don't look at me like that
I was getting round to Pat and Jill
But you should know
They said they were on the pill
I know I don't see the kids
You can understand
Being a man of the cloth
The busy lives we lead
Time just gets away
I suppose in a way we’re both the same
Tending to our flocks
Putting the world to rights
Me and you
We are the few
He got up to leave
I feel his hand on my sleeve
Enough said
He punches me on the head
I’m in total confusion
He makes the sign
Go with god my son
I've administered your absolution.

So, can you afford this place by yourself.
Yeah, I did the maths.                                                          
­Okay I’ll take the washing machine, you take the couches.  
You kidding, the washing machine was a present, you take the couches.
I know how to work the washing machine.
Well, I know how to work the coffee machine, but I don’t make a song and dance about it.
Was that why you phoned the plumber when it ran out of water.
I didn’t phone him for that, I was getting a quote for something plummery I was thinking of doing.
Plummery, is that computer speak. Which reminds me, laptop, I’ll be taking that.
You’ll have to wait till I put it back together.
What do you mean put it back together, it’s new.
  I know it’s new, now it’s super new, with 12 g installed.
12 g hasn’t been invented yet.
It has now, with my new revolutionary thought processor and rewind imagery camera.
Have you finally gone nuts, you see what I’ve had to put up with the last five years.
Well I can’t tell you what you’ve put up with the last five years, but I can for the last six months.
Okay, you’re beginning to worry me now, what have you done.
I installed a chip in you. Pick a date out in the last six months and I’ll show you what you were doing.
You’re mad, okay December the 11th.
Right, just put that date in, okay let’s view.  You’re having a coffee morning with your sisters
and wait, you’re slagging me off as usual, tut tut.
My god, this is madness, you’ve finally lost it.
Oh you haven’t seen anything yet, lets check out Dec 13th. Oh look, it’s you and the plumber in which seems to be a posh hotel.
So it is, do I look hot or what.
That wasn’t my first thought I must admit, maybe you could explain yourself.
Isn’t it obvious, I mean, you installed the ****** chip, what part don’t you understand.
I don’t understand why you’re with my plumber on the date he promised to install my new revolutionary coffee maker.

Lily Nurmi & Paul Gaffney.

She fell and broke her life
People rushed to help
It was touch and go for a time
The surgeon had to amputate
But he was finally removed
The recovery was long
Sometimes she felt he was still there
Touching her inside
Messing with her head
They said this would happen
Such intensity is bound to leave scars
But they would heal
Someday another would come along
She would be stronger.

Can’t find no time, must underline
He’s a nowhere man
He’ll  look you up and down
Don’t accept no sound
Call him the nowhere man
You don’t know his place
His face, there’s little trace
Must try and pace, no
That’s the nowhere man
He drinks, but doesn’t call
You might try him, that’s all
He’s the nowhere man
But somebody ain’t playing cool
A hand becomes a tool
Such a fool
You watch him riding out
The nowhere man.

Someone died today
No headlines
The two lines on page nine taken up with the rescue of the local cat
Just a statistic
Would be sad
But there really wasn’t time for that
The vicar performing a wedding that day
Didn’t really need this
Put out, but would fit it in
The fifty pound fee would come in handy
His parents wouldn’t be attending
He was such a disappointment to them
Could have been a doctor
Instead followed his dream
Sometimes dreams take time
Just like life
Sometimes life is cruel
The dog wasn’t badly hurt
Just dazed when the car hit it
The crowd gathered, concerned
Man's best friend
He lay in the corner, dying
People passed him by
Just a statistic
Following his dream
Into the next life...

They walk through the darkness
The night creatures
Searching out their prey
With stealth like accuracy
Gathering pace
As the scent gets stronger
Teeth baring
Sharpened claws extended
As the prey await their fate
The hairs go up
A sudden quiet descends
As the screams reach fever pitch
It’s too late
surrounded
Nowhere to run
They have you
Trick or treat mister
Blast
Caught again.

You only feel the pain when the blood runs true
One more lash opens your heart
Hear the beat
Thumping
I’m inside you
Cruel
But you wanted change
I’m your alter ego
Tearing down your barricade
Against the wall
You scream
It’s what you asked for
Tears and blood
Now I’m the animal
Unashamed you cry
My pleasure
Naked and bleeding
You place the whip
I release your passion
You want more
Now I'm bleeding
Walking the line
Tortured in mind
You are free
Liberated.

Front page news
Sad times ahead for happy people
Get in line
Politicians losing the whip
Seen gratifying in phone boxes
A liberal conference
Army cuts have seen the Swiss win the neutral war
Big aeroplane playing hide and seek
Same *** marriage plunged into disarray
Heterosexuals revoke clause 69
Mary's got a headache
Migration watch in london spot new species
A rare Nigel
The stay together campaign have run out of money
Independents rolling in the black stuff
Later changed to multi coloured stuff
Guiness drinkers in Swiss tanks demand apology
Women say bedroom tax is affecting performance
Men agree whilst channel hopping
Bald people in North Korea wigging it
Same *** mannequins in Moss bros
Church moving to M and S
S and M on Saturday nights
Hp poets uploading
Beware
Bound to offend some dummies.

She had a breakdown in Washington
The plane had a malfunction in New york
I was pulling my hair out in New Mexico
The states we get ourselves into.

Bad run
Good run
Felt good, slow time
Felt ill, knocked thirty seconds off best time
Nighttime pasta, prep meal
What a shocking run
Night on the town, wrecked
Knocked one minute off best time
My body's a nightmare
Just run, don't think
Okay, you're thinking
Push harder, maybe harder than that
The stopwatch is lying to you
New running shoes
The hills will make you stronger
Don't look at the mile signs
Keep a steady pace
Last two miles, push
Last mile, push a bit harder
The finish line
Your fun run is over
I don't see you laughing.

The Jesus girl with the long blond hair
Wants to show you love
Show she cares
Got God on her side
Sees rainbows in the air

The Soldier boy
Broken and gone
Feels only pain
As he looks upon
His only way

The Jesus girl with the long blond hair
Is on a mission
Lives to save
God's number one
The prodigal son

The Soldier boy
Remembers the day
His life changed
In every way
He earned his pay

The Jesus girl with the long blond hair
Is on the road
With love to share
Comes across her destined soul
Her little lost foal

The Soldier boy
Fires in haste
Fear in his eyes
He hears the cries
They wouldn’t die


The Jesus girl with the long blond hair
Holds out her hands
To show she cares
Touches his face
Tries to explain

The Soldier boy
Tortured in mind
Flashbacks
That make him blind
Just wants to die

The Jesus girl with the long blond hair
Takes his tears
Takes his fears
Gives him love
Sets him free

The Soldier boy
Sees the light
Forgives himself
His earthly plight
Thoughts of death already ceased
The Soldier boy
Now at peace.

She needs that drink to start the day
When the children play
To get away
Meetings, lunch, that **** report
The neverending stress
A drink to rest
She makes love like the dead
Her mind ahead
Major decisions racing instead
A drink to unwind
To go to bed
Tomorrow a drink to get ahead
Engagements, talks, drinks to go
The high powered girl has hit the low
Make up getting thicker now
Drink the crutch
Husband having an affair
It’s all too much
Drinks to get up
Starts to fall
Crashing down against the wall
Pulls herself up
In a daze
Looks in the mirror
In a haze
Sees a face
A slight trace
Pitiful tragic being
For the first time seeing
The ghost finally screaming
She stands up
The words would set her free
I am an alcoholic.

The rain washed the blood away
And for a time I became human again
Children with dead eyes
Play amongst corpses rotting in the morning sun
A father prays to some god
Hoping for a miracle
Abound by his faith
Certainly a deeper faith than mine
For the moment only the gun is god
In these quiet times
I think of people sitting at desks
Being productive
Dreaming dreams better than mine
Building a future
The survivor alarm kicks in
I've been here too long
The scene changes
The father has found his god
For a time he becomes a soldier
Two gods about to collide
One through total frustration
The other with the dimension of time
He once read a book
The romance of war
He always thought the title should have read
The two faces of war
The bullet killed him instantly
Tomorrow he would be another rotting corpse
No romance there
People at desks building futures
Children with dead eyes play in the morning sun.

Will you let it go
No
C'mon trust me
Trust you?
Yes I won't let you down
I'd rather jump out of an airplane without a parachute  and hope for the best, than trust you
Think we’re getting a bit melodramatic again
Do you see a sign on my head that says, kick here
I just see the woman I love
Did you see me when you were in bed with my sister
Think I explained  that scenario
Yes, and I’ve heard it called many things before, but never a scenario
You know your sister's trying to get pregnant
I’m quite aware of that, that’s why she has a husband
I know that silly, but he’s a foreigner
What's that got to do with it
It doesn’t operate in this country
What, what do you mean
Isn't it obvious, he comes from the other side of the world
So ****** what
Jesus woman, do I need to spell it out for you
Yes, spell it out, cause you’ve sure got me confused
It’s upside down
What, I didn’t know that happened
Neither did your sister, that’s what she was showing me
I was wondering why  she was so embarrassed
I know darling, now they have to go back round the world to get pregnant
My god, that’s terrible
I know, and the worse thing is, you’ll need to apologise for calling her a *****.

By Lily and Paul.

It was always about Sally.
Every part of the working day.
Always Sally.
The report was boring him numb.
She sat across from him.
White blouse, black skirt.
Uniform of seduction.
He recalls the first time
How do you fancy a drink.
The response turning him on.
Only if you don’t mind drinking with a Lesbian.
He didn’t
For a awhile, she became Sally out of reach.
To be replaced with.
Out of reach Sally.
He watched her working away.
Crossing her legs in that teasing way.
Wondering if she wore nylons and black *******.
Out of reach Sally
Out of reach.
She watched him.
Reading his mind.
Strangely liking the unconscious attention.
It wouldn’t happen.
She knew that.
Next week he would be watching her replacement.
The final drink goodbye.
She introduced herself as Michelle.
He didn’t really care.
Lost in another world.
A package arrived.
He knew that scent.
Carefully opening it.
Touching the soft material.
Anything exciting, from across the office.
Sally.
The girl I replaced.
Yes.
Was she nice.
Out of reach Michelle.
Out of reach.

Okay Jeff what have you brought in today.
Today Mary I’m going to show you the super juicer.
That’s a big one Jeff.
It sure is Mary, total satisfaction guaranteed.
What does it do Jeff.
Take this banana Mary, place it in the juicer.
What about the melons Jeff.
They’re a handful Mary, watch this.
My god Jeff, what a device.
See how it came there Mary.
Right Jeff, what can it do with pears.
Well Mary, I place the cream on the pears, what do you get.
Ecstasy Jeff, that hits the spot.
Now Mary, you may think this is just a juicer, but try it in this position.
My god Jeff.
Did it hit the spot Mary.
Did it ever.
What would you pay for a juicer like this Mary.
I would pay the earth Jeff.
Also Mary, there are three different speeds.
My god Jeff, horizontal, semi squat, and comatose.
Can you afford not to buy this Mary.
I can’t Jeff, it’s mine.
Mary, Mary come back, you can’t take it home with you

Okay let's get the etiquette straight
I walk towards you, i nod
You nod back
Works all around the world
What doesn’t work, is, you stopping
Stopping is bad
It’s a protocol thing
One must never stop and engage one
You just don’t do it
I really don’t want to know about your corns
Don’t give a crap about your lumbago
The price of fish doesn’t interest me
Old Mrs Jones died this time
Sure she’ll be missed
Your wife’s having an affair
How are your corns
They really can be painful i’m told
That lumbago
I could recommend a good chiropractor
The price of fish these days, shocking
Old Mrs Jones
God, i’ll miss her
Is that my bust, bus
Need to rush.

When I said to you I would like to try a new position, What do you think I meant .

A new bar.

When was the last time we had ***.

My birthday.

No.

Your birthday.

No, it was when my mum died.

That was a sad day.

Not for you it wasn't, you supervised the cremation.

I had to make sure.

Do you know why my mum hated you.

I don’t think she hated me.

No, she definitely hated you.

She hated everyone.

You most of all.

Was it because I married you.

No, that's why she hated me. It was because you violated her underwear drawer.

I was looking for that furry thing you told me about.

Then you should've just said that. I told you that fetish story wouldn't fly.  

Well then, you shouldn’t have let her spread it around.

I know.

Wait a minute. You told her the fetish story wouldn't fly.

Eermm...

Why would you let her spread that around.

Well it was around the time I caught you with the girl next door.

You said you liked two girls!

You're not a girl! You just wear my clothes sometimes and I've been more than tolerant about that.

Paul Gaffney & Lily Nurmi.

Oh God, take thy nagging woman
Bring her back a blond
Slightly dumb, would not be frowned upon

Oh God, could you give her rubber gloves
Make her iron in the ****
If you could

Oh God, one without a headache would be handy
They tell me nymphs are always randy

Oh God, can I get one that’s tight
Not too bright
Brings in beer
Doesn’t shout in your ear

Oh God, can I change her every week
Would that be a cheek
A month would be fine
If I take a shine

Oh God, one more ask
The girls on Hello poetry might take me to task
Can you make them think this is a beautiful sonnet
Aimed at them all, keep it under your bonnet.

Gaza and Lily are up in the Rocket
Gaza’s barking out the orders
Right Lily
Under no circumstances touch that socket
Okay Gaza
It’s Sir to you
Now, I’m off for a kip
You’re on watch
Now skip
That’s not fair
A girl has to tong her hair
He’ll never know
Little tong and a blow
See, stupid prat
Oops, what’s that
The Rocket has stopped
Oh Sir Gaza
Think there’s a malfunction
We seem to be heading down the junction
You touched that socket
A black hole is taking my Rocket
In your dreams Gaza
I’m out of your orbit
You’ve done it Lily
It’s bust
God, you're obsessed
With getting me undressed
Put that back in your pocket
It’s my sprocket
Is that what they call it
I’m going down
Not on me
I finish at three
If I can get it back to warp five
We might get out of this alive
Are you talking about the Rocket
The socket
That thing in your pocket
The sprocket
Give me a hand
God, what don’t you understand
Take a cold shower
You’re not getting my flower
Is that the power
Oh Sir Gaza
I’m alive
You’ve taken me to a height that’s greater
Hold on a minute
Were you not wearing trousers
When we entered the Simulator

Woke up this morning with a head
This is the curse when you try to change the world
Gave Mary just a slight hint Tony might be bedding Jill, Joan, not excluding Alice
Big John, definitely gay, but as I explained, Billy his partner was kissing May
Mark was salivating over the barmaid Rose
Godsakes man haven’t you heard, Rose used to be Fred
You could have heard a pin drop when the chuckle brothers walked in
Word on the street, Jill and Joan were in the family way
Which in any other circumstances would be okay
But everybody knew the brothers fired blanks, hence the chuckle reference amongst the ranks
Still, honour was at stake on that fateful night
A slight nod Tony’s way would start the fight
A knife to the heart was Tony’s plight
Then a voice cried out, you sure she’s a man
Well, Rose hit Mark with a pan
Big John head butted Billy
Who landed on Tony, and one of his cronies
Mary who had now lost the plot when Alice showed the ring Tony had bought
A bottle of bud over the head, put paid to Tony and his amorous ways
Rose stripped off shouting, does this look like a man
Mark got up seeing double as the chuckle brothers pushed him down again
Big John threw Billy into the air, landing on the chuckle brothers like Fred Astaire
The brothers took this as a blatant dare, shooting Billy without a care
Tony clocked Rose in her Sunday best, uttering the words, better than all the rest
This sent Mary totally insane, followed by Jill, Joan, Alice, and for some reason May
Guns were pulled, shots went astray, all aimed at Tony who looked on in dismay
The chuckle brothers in the way, killed outright on that fateful day
Legend has it, a crime of passion, no arrests were ever made
Tony fled the country, followed by Jill, Joan, and for some reason May
Mark and Rose fell in love, got married
Mary and Alice gave them away
Big John and Billy gave it another go
I was going to mention to him, but decided no
Not after all the advice I gave went untold
Still, this is the curse when you try to change the world
This is why I woke up with a head
Though, what a palaver
Was it something I said.

So strange, it was dark in the white room
People pondered over marshmallow figures all stood in a straight line
That one at the end, it has eyes
So it has
Godlike, we bow in awe
Hundreds and thousands applaud in unison
Chocolate legions stand routed
The eyes have vanished
Death searches in the night
Jelly baby heads abandoned as mothers cry in colour
Candy fish lead the cortege as the night floats downstream
One jelly baby saved
Adopted Tobleronian
Somethings brewing
Death in the afternoon
God speaks
Go forth to jelly mountain
Hundreds and thousands follow
Tobleronians in hot pursuit
Parting of the waves
Plague the Pharaohs army
He leaves the smarties
To climb jelly mountain
God gifts him tablet for the journey down
The smarties have built a chocolate idol
Furious he breaks the tablet in two
With the Tobleronians on one side
Smarties on the other
He came to his only conclusion on jelly mountain
You just can't get the Staff.

Do you think of other women when we make love
No, no, and definitely no
I do
Well, I’m pleased for him and you, and really pleased if it’s her and you.
Strange how you mentioned Mary in your sleep.
Well I can hardly be responsible for my subconscious, plus I don’t know any Marys.
What about her in Liverpool.
Lets not go there again.
Mary, three gardens down with the *****.
Ah, that was a text alert from Jeff the bird watcher, something about a rare speckled breast, never saw it myself.
Not even with they perv binoculars you use, I mean how would you feel if some guy was perving over me.
He  wouldn’t be, you’re not perv material. Now if it was your twin sister, then that’s a definite text alert, how is she anyway.
Probably on her back with the Air Corp.
I would love to be in that flyby.
Yeah, well you would know all about flying with my sister.
I thought she was you.
She’s got blond hair and ******* for christsakes.
I thought you had a makeover. How did she get bigger **** than you anyway, did you get the brains.
Let me see, I’m with you.
There you go, no need to answer that, why don’t I take you for some retail therapy, followed by a candlelit dinner, and wait for it, the big game is on tonight, does it get any better than that.
Twenty two guys kicking a ball, think I'll phone my sister, that flyby sounds more appealing now.

The bottle was full
Just like their spirits
They shared as the talk grew louder
Spoke of times when drinking was sociable
That was a time ago
Now the drink was a necessity
The medicine of life
The bottle was beginning to empty now
Just like the existence they led
You could see it in their faces
As the battle for the last drink intensified
Every battle has a winner
This time he was the stronger
Gulping down the last drop as if his life depended on it
There would be many more battles like this
Ultimately, the main battle lay ahead
The final one
The freezing weather moved in slowly
Though he was totally unaware
Lying in a drunken stupor
Surrounded by empty bottles
Screaming as the battle raged inside him
Fighting for the final time
As his life slowly ebbed away
The snow covered him like a blanket
Peacefully taking him to a new place
The battle over
His thirty five year old existence finally at an end.

It was only fifty quid to join.
Looking For An Affair.
So is the girl next door.
What I could do with the girl next door.
Joined immediately.
Met big Mary the wrestler.
Lost that fight.
Moved onto Jill who told me it was such a thrill.
Told me her life story twice.
Rechecked website just to make sure I didn't get affair mixed up with affliction.
Third time lucky, met Jasmine, her husband didn’t understand her, fantastic I thought, now we’re talking.
Three hours later we were still talking.
So double rechecked website just to see if I was due a counselling fee, complained no end to them.
Was promised immediate action, they would hook me up with sultry Sandra.
So anyway it was a real shock when I met the wife, who I certainly would’ve demanded an explanation, if a watertight alibi was at the ready.
The no wonder I need a woman cos you’re never around just didn’t seem appropriate at the time, and for once she was lost for words.
So anyway, we decided she would join another website.
I would take up counselling full time.

She wore blue tights on the Monday
Tuesday it was green
Bright orange on the Wednesday
Thursday it was cream
I predicted black for the Friday
She wore trousers
Hate that girl.

I put it all in a letter
The reason for the end
You would move on in time
Seemed easier just to send
The coward’s way i know
But that the way it goes
Life is what it is
Forever moving
No time to reminisce
The train was ready to depart
When he heard the news
That broke his heart
A girl had jumped from a top floor apartment
The letter by her side
Such a shame
So young
Far too young to die
The text came through
Where are you
He kept staring at it
Is it you
What’s wrong, did you forget Gina’s engagement
No, i got held up, rushing to you my love
Just you and me
Like it was meant to be.

The grey lady walks through the ranks, and stops
Touches the shoulder of the chosen one
And death rightly takes its place
I saw her a lot in the early years
Dutifully going about her business
It seemed like she was responsible for the deaths of thousands
Only once did she stop before me
But she just smiled before moving on
That always confused me
Was I not good enough
How did she know who to choose
I became reckless for a time
Challenging her to take me
She just smiled, before moving on
Dutifully going about her business
One day I felt it, the calling
So strong, I almost welcomed it
She walked through the ranks towards me
Stopping in front of me
I waited for her touch
She whispered in my ear
You’re one of the protected.

It isn’t hard to explain
You do my head in
There, can I make it any more plain
You dress like a man
Make love like the dead
Does anything else need to be said
So without further ado
I say goodbye from me to you
Okay well said
Here she comes
Right, go for it
Darling, darling you look great
New dress, suits your hair
Let’s go to lunch
Bottle of champagne
Lets just celebrate us
What the hell is wrong with you
Your like one who flew over the cuckoo
Just spit it out
Darling there’s something I have to say
Let’s get married today
What are you saying, have you lost the plot
It’s dumping day, not love me nots
Now be a man
Darling I would just like to say
Don’t say anything Paul, I’m dumping you, goodbye
What, you can’t just dump me, you need a build up
It’s dump protocol
Come back
I need to tell you something
Come back, don’t go…………………………….

****** is always dangerous
They tend to investigate murders
Now accidents
They tend to happen
Randomly
So, an accident it had to be then
She liked her bubble bath
Liked to listen to her music while relaxing
Seemed the obviously way then
Now all was needed was the execution
But more importantly
The alibi
He would be abroad when it happened
The simple rise in water as she entered the bath
The final song as she switched her music on
The extra hidden wire just to make sure
He would have that look of devastation
The breakdown
But the money would ease the pain
They would investigate
Of Course they would
They wouldn’t find anything
Eventually they would pay out
Something troubled him though
Just that niggling doubt
Kept nagging at him
What the hell was her final song.

I could tell by the intensity she knew the game
But I was far superior
She was there for the taking
She was toying with me
Does she know who she’s dealing with
The gesture with her hand
How dare she
Fate was surely on my side
After all, I was a man of the world
She was watching me
Like she knew my next move
She was challenging me
Challenging me
How dare she
I composed myself
Honour was at stake
She was smiling, inviting
I had her
She battled well
But knew it was the end
She screamed
I might only be four, but I can count
That was a two you threw
Now get down the snake you cheat
Mummy, he’s cheating again
He’s a man honey, that’s what they do
Someday a man would come to the door and ask for her hand
I wouldn't stand in his way.

First, you need to mix the potion.
You must read the instructions very carefully
You don’t want to be summoning up any old witch.
So make sure it’s the October manual.
Especially as we know what happened last year.
How you got October mixed up with November is nobody's business.
But my god, when I saw the fire brigade heading to the Houses of Parliament, I just thought to myself, what has the idiot done this time.
Now I know what you’re going to say.
What about that little corporal guy you summoned up.
Okay, I take that on board, he looked harmless enough, little pencil moustache set him apart from the usual riff raff.
How the hell was I to know he wanted to rule the world.
Just goes to show you.
Nearly lost my brewing license over that.
Then you went for, in your own words, that guy who makes people laugh.
Atila for fun.
Are you dyslexic or what.
The grief that caused
Another warning handed out.
So let's have a look at the ***** ups over the years, see if we can rectify them this year.
This is what you’ve summoned up so far.

Sirenes
The Cheeky girls

The Teletubbies.
That guy who said, I didn’t have *** with that woman, that week.
European Union
Hp  Poets

You can see how the coven is not over the moon with this lot.
So, before you summon up anyone this year, I’m going to be looking over your shoulder, make sure you get it right.
Right, the mixture is brewing up fine, looking good.
Okay, begin the summoning up.
Oh great spirit in the brew, sum us up something new.
Okay looking good, coming through now.
A big dumb guy wearing a wig.
Right, I like it, do you have a name for him.
Trumpy  you think.
Looks more like a Donald to me.
But the main thing is.
He looks harmless enough...

Right I’ve taken what you said on board, and I spoke to Lynn and she’s definitely up for it.
Okay love. Up for what, why does she talk to me when I’m watching the football. Who the hell is Lynn. Okay fumble along and find out what the hell she’s talking about.
I mean, you would never have guessed Alan and Lynn were that way inclined.
Alan and Lynn, that’s the boring ******* who garden all day. He does flowers, she does vegetables. Rebels without a cos. What the hell would we be doing with them.
So we’ve booked the hotel for this friday.
Christ, she’s booked a garden convention, a weekend away with plant pots. What the hell is wrong with that woman.
Lynn says they do it all time, she says we’ll love it.
That’s great love, can’t wait. Okay I’ll need to fake a heart attack, the thought of a weekend with Bill and Ben is just too much to take.
I’ve told Lynn you like black underwear and stockings. She says that’s great, she loves dressing up.
Fucksakes, they’re swingers, the boring ******* are swingers. I know I said our love life was boring, but for christsakes not Bill and Ben.  How the hell do I get out of this.
Lynn says Alan loves nurses, so I’ve bought a nurses uniform.
Listen love, I don’t want Alan to see you in a nurses uniform. I love you too much to share you with another guy.
You really haven’t got a clue.
What.
What did I say to you earlier.
You said you spoke to Lynn.
No I didn’t, I said my mum was coming to stay for the week.
We’re definitely not going swinging with Bill and Ben.
Do I look like I do swinging, this is what I keep nagging you about, you don’t listen to a word I say.
Right, I think I’ve learned my lesson, when’s your mum coming.
This friday.
That’s great, look forward to it. The mother in law, or the vegetable woman in stockings. Choices, choices.

Words on the wall.
Go with Paul.
So profound.
Like a crystal ball.
Okay, all coming back.
Should have read.
Julie, will you go with Paul.
But it didn’t.
Surely a message.
A deeper meaning.
Check the celestial phone.
A message awaits.
You ***** lying scummbag, drop dead.
Should I tell her there's only one M in scumbag.
Could this be another message.
I enlighten her.
The other M is for *******.
But is it.
Is there an even deeper meaning.
The celestial phone bleeps.
I peruse the heavenly text.
Actually there should be an extra B with the extra M, *******.
I see pain in her text.
I feel it myself.
There is a wanting.
Flowers and chocolates.
I feel comfort walking through the graveyard.
Knowing random people are helping me in the pursuit of love.
I throw a pebble up to her window.
Holding my mixed bunch of flowers.
Old Mrs Jones looks down, smiling.
If I was seventy, I’d do, I digress.
I bade her in, throwing the pebble up to my true love.
Who opened the window maybe a tad too early.
She screams my name.
Which was comforting in a strange way.
Old Mrs Jones looked out, recoiling in horror, knocking herself out in the process.
I realised I had forgotten the chocolates.
Darling, could you borrow me ten pounds.
Something in her one good eye told me no.
The paramedics told me to go.
The Police read me my rights.
Putting me up for the day, and the night.
Still, as the Councilman said as I was scrubbing the wall.
It’s not like you’re Banksy, is it Paul.
I felt a deeper meaning.
A thought had occurred
It would take a lot of paint.
But would be worth the pain.
I worked through the night.
Such a delight.
I threw a pebble up to her window.
Old Mrs Jones looked down at the naked mural of me, and dropped down dead.
Julie sort of squinted in dread.
But the gun in her hand.
Well, enough said.
The Police charged me with indecent exposure.
Though the court said that wasn’t quite true.
Still, the Councilman said.
I’m really impressed.
I mean, it's different.
Maybe you should have added a verse.
He stopped me scrubbing.
We bowed our heads.
As old Mrs Jones passed by in the hearse.

You’ve got to get in from the start

Girl, love, mortgage, house

The trip has begun

Seat belt on

Forget the plan

The roller coaster will take you up

But not for long

Life's like that

Tells you in the song

Ok, we’re heading down

Is that a frown

Look around

Girl gone

Love

Off with Joe

House

You don’t want to know

No mortgage though

Now, was that a thrill

All the fun of the fair

What, bitter pill

She isn't there

That’s the roller coaster

High and low

No one knows

New woman

Don’t try to explain

Seat belt on

Let me introduce the ghost train.

Do you think of other women when we make love
No, no, and definitely no
I do
Well, I’m pleased for him and you, and really pleased if it’s her and you.
Strange how you mentioned Mary in your sleep.
Well I can hardly be responsible for my subconscious, plus I don’t know any Marys.
What about her in Liverpool.
Lets not go there again.
Mary, three gardens down with the *****.
Ah, that was a text alert from Jeff the bird watcher, something about a rare speckled breast, never saw it myself.
Not even with they perv binoculars you use, I mean how would you feel if some guy was perving over me.
He  wouldn’t be, you’re not perv material. Now if it was your twin sister, then that’s a definite text alert, how is she anyway.
Probably on her back with the Air Corp.
I would love to be in that flyby.
Yeah, well you would know all about flying with my sister.
I thought she was you.
She’s got blond hair and ******* for Christsakes.
I thought you had a makeover. How did she get bigger **** than you anyway, did you get the brains.
Let me see, I’m with you.
There you go, no need to answer that, why don’t I take you for some retail therapy, followed by a candlelit dinner, and wait for it, the big game is on tonight, does it get any better than that.
Twenty two guys kicking a ball, think I'll phone my sister, that flyby sounds more appealing now.

Do you notice anything different about me.
You’ve dyed your hair.
No.
New dress.
No.
New shoes.
No.
Aw don’t tell me you’re pregnant.
Fat chance.
Well in that case, I can’t see anything different.
I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Think you’ll find that’s breach of contract.
Thought you’d say that, you haven’t been fulfilling your end of the contract.
It’s just a small problem, I’ll get over it.
Not the case with my new man.
Just you remember, I started big.
You did, then you blew it
It’s a guy thing
Did you go off me, is that it
Well, it has been three weeks, three good weeks though.
Yes, it's been three good weeks for me too.
D'you think we should call it a day
Hmmh too much of a hassle
Agreed
Do you want to meet him
Sure, I'll bring a date
What do you mean
I mean I'll bring a girl
You're dating?
Yeah so are you
Since when
About three weeks now
You ****.


Thanks Lily Nurmi,
             for being the other woman.

I remember the darkness before the flames
Remember when death called your name
So strange, we were all so young then

I remember you saying, the shadow was cast
Remember laughing, I’ll have your girl when you pass
So strange, it didn’t last

I remember the dead, the screaming eyes
Remember till I die
So strange, I never asked why

I remember thinking, never again
Remember going straight back in
So strange, had to win

I remember going out drinking with friends
Remember them asking me to explain
So strange, I never saw them again

I remember going over the hill
Remember the kills
So strange, no glory, such a bitter pill

I remember when I knew it was over
Remember how I didn’t die
So strange, why

I remember the day I walked away
Remember looking back
So strange, felt like yesterday.