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4.0k · Mar 2017
The Letters.
Gaffer Mar 2017
It was great for a time
*** and wine
Wine and ***
Then commitment and open and shut curtains.
Special delivery of child made the bond complete
Six months down the line
Breast feeding was action watched from a distance
Intimacy was a tired look
The neighbours cat looked hot
Killed the lonely nights
Killed the commitment outright
Got to know the lawyer through rapid bank withdrawals
Weekly child visit watched over by Brutus
Bar visits watched over by the world's condemned
Special occasion became a twice yearly treat
Birthday and Christmas, bit of hate thrown sideways.
Then the new man.
Felt good for her.
Maybe some pressure off.
Maybe missed that lobotomy bar lecture.
Years dragged the hate forward.
Time moved on.
One day I wrote her a letter expressing my anger.
She wrote back in triplicate.
I wrote back in double triplicate.
She sent a thesis on men and *****.
Suddenly without thinking, we had dialogue.
After a while, we moved on from the anger.
We became human again.
I actually liked writing her letters and receiving them.
We never got back together.
But the letters kept us close.
Sometimes there would be a kiss at the end.
The little bit of love I probably never deserved.
I would mention it to her in my next letter.
Even an *** deserves a solitary kiss now and again.
The bar room lawyers would probably agree.
3.6k · Apr 2016
The Photograph.
Gaffer Apr 2016
The wedding photograph took centre stage
Eight great years
Two years gone now
She had sort of moved on
She gazed at the photograph
So strange, it looked different
It was as if he had taken two steps back from her
She began to study the photograph again
Maybe it was just that photograph
She looked out some others
It didn’t make sense
He was behind or in the distance
Moving out of her life
She began to shake
It didn’t make sense
You can’t change photographs
You just can't
The family photo
He was at the back
Was she going crazy
She grasped at the wedding photograph
Watching as he slowly began to fade from view
Was he punishing her
Trying to tell her to move on
She woke with a jolt
Studying the room
God, that was awful
So awful
She needed coffee, and quick
The caffeine kicked in
She spoke out loud
Okay Tom, I finally take the hint
Glancing at the photograph
So strange she thought
She wasn't in it.
2.4k · May 2015
The Fridge.
Gaffer May 2015
                 It has come to my attention, that someone has been stealing from
                 the communal fridge. I notice that my own personal milk with my
                 name on the bottle is half empty, also three fingers of my kitkat
                 are missing. Please refrain, or action will be taken.
                 It has come to my attention, and I’m pleasantly surprised to see
                 my milk has been topped up, though, why ******* of my
                 kitkat  in a V sign beggars belief. Just tasted my milk, you
                 ***** *******. I will now be monitoring the fridge from my office.
                 You will be caught.
                   It has come to my attention, the camera monitoring the fridge
                   is now monitoring the ladies toilet. This is intolerable, you are
                   usurping my authority. Heads will roll. I will now be moving the
                   fridge into my office till further notice.

                   It has come to my attention, my office has been penetrated,
                   the fridge is missing, and I find a ransom note on my desk.
                   I don’t know who you people think you're dealing with, but
                   let me leave you in no doubt, I will find out who you are, and
                   you will be dismissed.

                   It has come to my attention, a delivery of fifty fridges is
                   cluttering up the whole building, management is going
                   ballistic. I concede to your demands, please get rid of
                   them. Let us get back to you taking my milk and my biscuits,
                   my job, my life. Just leave me alone.
                                                                                    Thank you.
1.8k · Feb 2016
The Rose.
Gaffer Feb 2016
Aw girl, did you dance with the devil
Get ripped apart
Where’s your heart
Ah, I see it beating in the gutter
Well girl, what can I say
Life's a *****, and then you die
But you don’t want to hear that
No,no, not in your beautiful world
Not in pin up poster world
Aw girl
You want to go down to the love hospital
They’ll put you back together
But guess what
That beating heart
In the gutter
Maybe wants to last past puberty
So hey, I’ve been round the block
I’ll give you ten seconds of my time
Best ten seconds of advice you’ll ever hear
That rose growing in the garden there
Is that not the most beautiful thing in the world
Now, not only is that rose beautiful
It’s also very smart
It knows some ******* is going to try and take liberties
So it surrounds itself with thorns.
Do the same
Be that rose.
1.8k · Jun 2016
What Women Want.
Gaffer Jun 2016
He knew what women wanted
After all, he was a man of the world
None of that namby pamby stuff for his woman
Oh no, he was a practical man
So when she opened her presents
To find an iron and a hoover
She was ecstatic
She was that ecstatic
That when he came home the next day
To find his shirts pressed
The house spotless
Her gone
He couldn’t believe it.
1.7k · May 2017
The Little Soldiers.
Gaffer May 2017
All the little soldiers walking in a row
Where they are heading, nobody knows
He tried to satisfy her
She tried to blow
But he was killing all the little soldiers
She didn’t know
Now the little soldiers were walking in his head
Every single day
Pretending to be dead
She needed love
But he was dead below
What could she do
She didn’t know
All the little soldiers tried to explain
They were just going home
Now they’re dead in vain
He couldn’t satisfy her
No matter how hard he tried
He couldn’t satisfy her
It was like everything had died
All the little soldiers walking in a row
Heading up to heaven
Waving as they go
He started to cry
She walked away
All the little soldiers walking in a row
Stopped before the gates
Waiting till he showed
He was now at peace
Forgiveness was bestowed
All the little soldiers walking in a row.
1.6k · Mar 2016
The Straight Lesbian.
Gaffer Mar 2016
You’re probably wondering why I’m phoning you.
It’s a hello call.
Not exactly.
You’re having a lesbian baby.
No, but I am single again.
Don’t tell me you dumped that man woman.
Mary was the love of my life.
She was a brute, she would give tarzan a run for his money.
Never mind that, do you remember when I was finding myself.
Remember it well, I was entering, you said, I think I’m a lesbian.
I know, it was bad timing, but you taught me a lot.
So I did, my Cv now reads, think you’re straight, I’ll change that.
How would you like to do it again.
Okay, you’re beginning to worry me now.
No, I realise you can turn people, you have a gift.
What do you want to turn into.
I want to be a straight lesbian, sort of.
I would love to help, but I’m in a relationship.
That’s okay, I can wait a week or two.
That’s quite funny, see, only lesbians could make jokes like that.
I know, I think you can relesbianise me.
Are you on drugs or something.
No, I liked being in bed with you, you never done anything for me, but I appreciated the effort.
Gee thanks, I’ll update my Cv. Think you're straight, I’ll change that, you’ll be a lesbian tomorrow, with straight tendencies.
See, that’s what I like about you, you’re never bitter. You did say it was a battle to get me into bed, now I’m offering myself on a plate.
I appreciate that, but how does this make you a reborn lesbian.
That’s simple, I won't enjoy it with you, then I’ll realise what I’m missing.
Do you mean you’ll fake it.
Yes, but you won’t know.
I won’t.
No, I’ll dress provocatively and make all the usual noises.
I knew this would happen someday, the twilight zone would come along and take me away to a place where fairies would serenade me with
tea and biscuits. Okay, just realised, thats an old folks home.
Okay girl, let’s get faking.
1.5k · Jun 2016
Mum's Advice.
Gaffer Jun 2016
It's lovely outside, I think I’ll go knickerless today.
You don’t want to do that, you might get knocked down by a bus.
Why would that make any difference.
You always have to wear clean underwear when getting knocked down by a bus.
Do you make these things up.
Did your mum never tell you, you always have to wear clean underwear when leaving the house, just incase you get knocked down by a steamroller or such.
My mum said a lot of things, luckily for me I grew up, unlike some people I may add.
Hardly my fault my mum has to come round and cook for me.
Cook, she cuts your sausages, you’re a child.
Sure she’d cut your carrots if you asked her.
Think I’ll wear pants now, you’re driving me nuts.
You’re not wearing white, are you.
Why, does mummy not allow white.
I’m more thinking of the guys in the office.
What, what's it got to do with them.
It’s got a lot, you don’t want the guys glimpsing boring white, put black on.
The guys in my office are too busy to be perving at my underwear.
Guys are never too busy, it's our job in life to check the girls out.
My last boyfriend was never like this.
That’s because your last boyfriend usually wore your knickers.
He just liked the feel of women's underwear.
How is his hormone treatment coming along, is he wearing your bra yet.
Get knotted mummy’s boy.
Talking about mummy’s, I’m taking yours running tonight. Hope she’s wearing the skimpy shorts.
That’s another thing, you told my mum she shouldn’t wear pants under her shorts, why would that be.
Might be something to do with the leg massage I give her after our run.
You are sick.
Your mum’s a cougar. Actually, just thinking about her is getting me hot, fancy a quickie.
Get stuffed, just get me to work without mentioning my mum, underwear, or any other perversions in your sick brain.
Do my best, white pants.
I’ll get you in the car, need to get something.
Nice legs lover, did I glimpse black ******* there.
Well, you said it, we need to keep the guys happy, any luck one of them will ask me out.
Well if they do, tell them you’re not available this weekend.
And why would that be.
Cos I’m taking you to Paris.
Maybe I don’t want to go to Paris.
Oh you will, five star hotel, tickets to see that weird female singer you love.
Okay, I’ll need a new outfit, maybe a few outfits. Will I need **** underwear.
Strangely enough no. Me and your mum bought you some.
1.5k · Mar 2015
Gaffer Mar 2015
He watches her
Smoke rising, playing against her aura
Diamonds in her eyes
Sparkling like the morning sunset
Transcendent goddess
Temple like the minions who befall her
He watches transfixed
The stillness of day
Dressing her ghost like
Dancers parade
Praying to be the chosen
Diamonds glitter
Charade passes with no promise
Decadent smile betrays her only emotion
The curtain closes
Lesser mortals fated
Sure as day turns to night
Diamonds in her eyes
Deathly kiss, as wolves howl in the night
Clouds free, as the moon searches
Transcending light finds shadow awaiting
Diamonds sparkle
Wolves frenzied as audience is given
Diamonds shine bright
Souls searching for the afterlife
Betrayed by her aura
Coals burn brightly
And the wolves are sated
Dark clouds in the distance
Diminish the burning light
The morning asks why
He watches, transfixed
Diamonds in her eyes.
1.5k · Apr 2016
The Mantra.
Gaffer Apr 2016
5 am you woke me up, to meditate.

I thought someone had died, someone had, me.

It was the ultimate time, you said.

Looking down, I had to disagree.

Can you feel the energy, she said.

I can’t feel myself, go away.

This is a window of opportunity she said.

There was a window.

Let us breathe she said.

This had never happened before, nutcase  came to mind.

What is your mantra she said.

What is my name I said.

No, you have to reach out, draw in the energy.

I am going to reach out, it won’t be pretty.

Let me take you on a journey, join me.

I’ll phone you a taxi, blast, it’s your house, I’ll phone me a taxi.

If we connect the *** will be out of this world.

Okay, through the delirium I heard the S word

Mmmm feel it, Mmmm, feel it, Mmmm, can you feel it.

I can definitely feel something.

It’s getting stronger, we are one.

We definitely are.

We must connect.

We definitely must.

Before my husband comes off the nightshift.

Thought I heard the H word there.

Let us be one.

Let us wind back to the husband.

He is but a component in time.

What time does this component come home at.

Six, but it’s okay, he’s gay.

Thought I heard the G word there.

He likes to join in, which can be a pain.

When you say join in, what do you mean.

In the mantra, he likes to join in in the mantra.
1.4k · May 2015
Rock n Roll.
Gaffer May 2015
It’s only Rock n roll baby, so heavy
Listen to the words
Don’t they tell you something
They say I was wrong
Hear me baby, cos I die tonight
Rock n roll baby, so heavy
Roll me another joint, and I’ll tell you about my life
The story of my death
But don’t fret baby, it’s only Rock n roll
So heavy, listen to the words
They say, give into hell and sin
Make believe people go insane
Take a few pushers, Rock n roll
Listen to the words of my final epitaph
But don’t fret baby
It's only Rock n roll.
1.4k · Apr 2016
The Tortoise.
Gaffer Apr 2016
I told her marriage was an institution.
She went mental.
I consoled myself with shooting the tortoise.
It was for the best.
There was no way it would win the greyhound derby.
She was beyond reason.
I was bringing it out of its shell.
I sort of laughed uncontrollably.
She didn’t.
She actually was trying to bring it out of its shell.
I suggested mad passionate love.
She wanted chocolates.
How about a toffee crisp and a fumble.
How about you dropping dead.
Who would pick up your pills if I dropped dead.
I would pick up my own pills.
What, you don’t know what day of the week it was last Thursday.
I was in love last Thursday.
Not with me.
No, with the pet shop owner
You do know he’s married.
He was leaving her for me.
He’s married to a bloke.
They’re both leaving their wives for me.
Is this about the tortoise.
What tortoise.
Never mind, let's get married.
Just now.
Yes, we can get married in the chemist shop
Somehow that makes sense.
What about children.
You could get them at the supermarket.
Three for two.
They hide them behind the screens now.
No silly, the alcohol I think.
They don’t hide the chocolates.
Did you really shoot the tortoise.
Yes, but the bullet bounced off its shell.
That’s good.
Not really, the pet shop owner was holding it.
1.4k · May 2016
The Pony.
Gaffer May 2016
Hi how you doing
I’m doing fine, how about you
I’m okay, well I’m not really
Go on tell me about it, that’s what us ex’s are for.
It’s Joe.
Joe, that’ll be my replacement.
He doesn’t seem to want to do it.
When you say do it, do we mean ***.
Yes, strange isn’t it.
I don’t know, I don’t know Joe.
He’s a man, what is there to know.
Why is he not chasing you around the house.
I don’t know, what happened to us.
You dumped me.
I know, but why.
Let me see now, oh yeah, you said you wanted a ring, marriage, children, house, and a pony. I said I didn’t like pony’s. You said that’s the last straw. I said, exactly, do you know how much straw costs. You said, shut up about the straw. I said, where would we put a pony. You said, shut the **** up about the pony, shut the **** up about the straw. Do you want to marry me or not. I sort of got lost for words, and by the time I got round to saying I would love to marry you, you were away with Joe.
You’re so full of crap, you ran a mile, actually you and that pony have a lot in common, you’re both mule headed.
You’re still with Joe, did he give you a pony.
No, he gave me something else.
It’s not all about *** you know, he’s saving himself.
That’ll be the biggest coming this year then.
I don’t know why I phoned you, you do my head in.
You need to borrow me till Joe’s ready.
No I don’t, celibacy is the in thing now.
Well in that case, I just want to congratulate on your resolve.
Are you seeing anyone.
No, I’m going through a monking phase at the moment, new habit.
So we could meet as friends then.
I don’t see why not, a friend in need is a friend in need.
I think that’s a friend indeed.
Indeed it is friend.
Should I bring a bottle round.
That would be a friendly thing to do.
You won’t mention Pony’s will you.
I won’t mention Pony’s.
Okay, I’ll bring Joe with me.
I need to send him back, the post office is on the way.
Ha ha, nice one.
1.4k · Jun 2015
The Mountain.
Gaffer Jun 2015
The mountain sat impassively, daring
Asking no questions
Just waiting for the moment
The slip of unconquered glory
Death, or worse, permanent injury
You took my legs old friend
I hold no malice
Probably love you more
I’ll be getting my new ones soon
Walking in no time they say
But walking is no good to people like us
It’s the intimacy
We are one
I promise to be gentle
If I make it, I won’t gloat
If not, we stay friends forever.
1.2k · Jan 2016
The Anniversary.
Gaffer Jan 2016
Okay before you start, I’m a lesbian.
Wow, put that straight into Paul’s knockback book.
Just didn’t want you to waste your time.
Okay, what we’ve got here is, brickwall syndrome.
Is that bad.
It is, but there’s a way through it.
There is.
Yes, what we need to do, is to create a situation.
How does that work.
Well, you pretend you want me to chat you up, but you want a great chat up line.
Sounds a bit pointless, but go for it.
You are the tea to my coffee.
Not feeling that Paul.
I can see us growing old together.
You’re right, I’m aging in front of you.
Nice one, I’m going to buy you a drink, but I don’t know your name.
Never heard that one before, I’m Candice.
No, that wasn’t a chat up line, what are you drinking.
Oh sorry, you got me there. Gin and tonic.
Right, back to my lines. You are the chalk to my cheese.
Never a truer word said Paul.
I saw you across the room, and I just had to speak to you.
Oh, I like that Paul. that would do it.
Well Candice I think my work here is done.
Can I ask you a stupid question.
Sure, go for it.
You do know this is a lesbian bar.
Can’t say anybody told me Candice.
It’s not written in stone, people just know it as such.
Does that mean I’ve tarnished your reputation.
Well I did get dumped last week.
Me too, fill me in then.
Would you believe she said I was selfish.
Looking at my glass Candice, I’m sort of agreeing with her.
Is that a hint you want a drink, even though the gentleman is supposed to buy them.
Nice one miss selfish, you’re enhancing your reputation.
Okay, same again. Why did a great guy like you get dumped.
I couldn’t explain the situation I was in at that particular moment in time.
You mean she found you bed with another woman.
Yeah, her sister.
That’s shocking, so how are you just not going out with the other sister.
You were going out with the other sister, weren’t you, I’m seeing a new side to you Paul. Hopefully being double dumped will teach you a lesson.
It has, I’m talking to you.
Well in that case, god is definitely punishing you.
You might be right Candice. I think in our next date, you should use your best chat up lines to cheer me up.
You kidding, you’ll try to turn me straight.
No I’ll leave that to the third date.
Do you know something, I think I’ve moved into the twilight zone.
Great isn't it, just think, half an hour ago you were expecting some super model to sweep you off your feet, and now you’re talking to me.
I know, I don’t know if I feel sorry for me, or feel sorry for you.
We’re being punished Candice for being bad.
Excuse me Paul, I don’t think being selfish is in the same bracket as double cheating.
In a way it is, I’m with a beautiful woman i can’t do anything with, how selfish can life get.
Never looked at it that way, I’m feeling all apple crumble now.
Is that lesbian speak for I’m a pudding.
Jesus, do you know you have a great capacity for lifting people, then dropping them again.
That’s my cack handed way of saying I like you.
You’re still not turning me straight.

                                  TEN YEARS LATER.
Was there ever a time I could’ve got you into bed.
Yes, all the times I got dumped and cried on your shoulder.
What, you might have said something.
I couldn’t, I was too busy listening to your perils of wisdom. You always built me up and sent me away in a better frame of mind.
Are you due to get dumped anytime soon.
No, no, and no. I’m in love. Plus you wouldn’t want to bed me, it would spoil our crazy relationship.
That’s true, plus I don’t fancy you anymore.
Yeah right, bet if I said do you want to go to bed, you would jump at the chance.
I wouldn’t, I respect you too much.
Right, I’m going to get naked, I’ll be in bed waiting for you.
( Finally. )  Why aren't you naked, and sort of waiting.
So you thought you’d try a little reverse psychology did you, Thought I wouldn’t see through your little charade. Good try, but not good enough.
I was just buttering you up.
Still trying to straighten me out. Right, it’s our anniversary on Friday, don’t be late.
I’ll check my full diary, see if I can fit it in.
                                     Anniversary Ritual.

Okay before you start, I’m a lesbian.
Wow, put that straight into Paul’s knockback book.
Just didn’t want you to waste your time.
Okay, what we’ve got here is, brickwall syndrome.
Ps, I got dumped today.
1.2k · Oct 2015
Gaffer Oct 2015
The old church lay in ruins, left to languish in time.
He was sitting on the grave talking to Sergeant R Johnston.
Well, I suppose you want an update on the war.
Let me see now, where do I begin.
Monday 0500 hrs, Pete was the first to moan, ******* hate early mornings.
Well, you would stay up all night playing cards.
Yeah, well just you remember that’s two million quid you owe me.
You better watch my back then, don’t hesitate to take a bullet for me, and for fucksakes if you’re throwing grenades about, don’t forget, it’s not the pin you throw, it’s the grenade.
*******, I got over excited.
The attack was sudden, Tony got hit, we were lucky, the ambush was poorly planned, we killed five before they ran.
Back at camp, I was starving, full English was a must, pass the sauce old chap, is that this months ******* you're reading, just love reading the stories.
Yeah right.
Just last week I was reading about this woman who made love to an onion, brought tears to my eyes, do you know her life unravelled in front of her.
You’re full of ****, don’t get the pictures sticky.
News came in, Tony didn’t make it.
The trip to the ******* tent seemed less appealing now.
Kit check, clean rifle, count bullets, kit check, clean rifle, count bullets.
Letter from home, Mary and John are getting married, Mary.
I’ve to see that shrink, what do I say to him.
Tell him you want to unburden yourself, so we’ll call it quits on the money I owe you.
*******, I’ll warm him up for you.
Half an hour later.
******* ******, said my brain was like an onion.
He did, did he, the ***** *******, I was wondering where that magazine went.
You better go see him.
Come in, I’m Dr Massey, I’m going to have an informal chat with you, sort of get to know you, anything you want to ask me.
Your fly is open.
So sorry, right lets get started, you’ve been involved in a lot of the fighting recently, talk me through it.
Let me see, we’re heading out of camp, now I always check the lunch menu before we go, it’s fish, simple dish, not to long on the hot plate, splash of lemon, great. We’re at a standoff, so I say to Pete, toss a grenade at them, guy's a genius with a grenade, can throw it for miles.
Though for some reason he’s mixed up the procedure, the grenade ends up killing the livestock, the enemy see this as an insult and go bonkers.
Then just as things couldn’t get any worse, I get back to camp to find the chefs burnt the fish, I mean, how the hell can you burn fish.
Right, this is interesting, go on.
Next day we’re heading out, steak’s on the menu, now I like my steak well done, so I was looking forward to lunch. Quiet morning, get back to camp, the idiot’s used a flamethrower on the steaks, swear to god he’s the real enemy.
Can i ask you, when you’re on home leave, do you get flashbacks, and if so, how do you deal with them.
I usually discuss everything with Sergeant Johnston.
Right, this is good, he’s been through this himself.
Oh yes, amazing man, do you know he survived the Somme only to be killed a year later in a mining accident.
Okay, wind back a bit, you talk to Sergeant Johnston who is actually dead, does he talk back you.
Come on doc, he’s like the chefs best effort at cooking, dead.
Okay that was quite interesting, what’s on the menu today.
Is that good.
If you want to die, yes, better off reading a magazine.
Do you read a lot.
Yes I was reading this magazine on the workings of the human body, right up your street doc, but I seem to have misplaced it.
Well I hope you find it.
So do I doc, it will be a definite relief.
1.2k · Dec 2016
The Toaster.
Gaffer Dec 2016
The toasters on the blink.
I don't care, i'm leaving you.
I know you like your toast in the morning, but that's a bit extreme.
I've met someone new.
You never mentioned that last night when you were screaming more, more.
That was goodbye ***.
I think i'll get a brown toaster.
You would put a brown toaster against a red background.
Hardly your concern now.
I designed this kitchen, you are not getting a brown toaster.
Think i'll change the whole decor when you leave.
That is just typical of you. You just can't wait to forget me.
I think it's for the best cuddles. Maybe make it my man cave.
That's it, i'm dumping the other guy. I am not having you undo all my good work.
Won't he be devastated.
Who cares. Right we're going shopping today.
Oops turned out to be the fuse.
Right, i'm going.
Going where cuddles.
Back to bed, do not disturb me.
Aw, i was thinking some sympathy ***, maybe get back together ***.
Do not disturb me.
Okay cuddles, i'll pop down to the tailors, get fitted out for your sisters wedding. I'm thinking bright orange,
Oh my god, stay there, i'm going with you.
1.1k · Feb 2017
Gaffer Feb 2017
Death surrounded her
Bombs falling captured the stories inside her head
Real life tears fell over blood-soaked mornings
Screams pierced right into the reality she called life
Friends, limbs missing made her look abnormal
Laughter left the country vowing never to return
She watched the burning figure running towards her
Collapsing before her, pleading for death
But death didn’t want him that day
He wasn’t one of the fortunate ones
She climbed into the basement seeking solace
Clutching the doll who like herself seemed to have survived in one piece
But something wasn’t right
Dolly was living a lie
She pulled one arm and one leg off
Dolly smiled
And the world became normal again.
1.1k · Mar 2015
Gaffer Mar 2015
Did you seek the all so cool
Could you see the mortal fool
Waited for eternity at the bus stop of life
Old man of destiny, dust became your wife

Watch the woman in the train go by
See the decision in her eyes, she sighs
Running away for the final time
But only as far as destiny’s line

See the ***** as he stumbles down
To the depths of dirt that lays around
Watch his eyes as he hears the sound
You can’t go lower than destiny’s ground

Call the girl who loves so well
****** her *******, the erogenous smell
She will do things you never can tell
But when the woman finds out
Then destiny's hell.
1.1k · Mar 2016
The Death Of A Clown.
Gaffer Mar 2016
He paints his face and becomes the clown
Checks the mirror for his furtive frown
Got it all hidden inside
Watches the people having fun
He wants to run
Get away
To that day
When the children played
So long ago
Time goes by
But the screams still cry
He paints his face and becomes the clown
Checks the mirror for his furtive frown
Got it all hidden inside
Watches the people having fun
As he spins the gun
More laughter as he drops with a bang
Huge applause they begin to stand
Then no sound
Suddenly the laughter turns to frowns
So sad
The death of a clown.
1.1k · Nov 2015
The Vultures Dance.
Gaffer Nov 2015
Timelike and the decaying bodies piled high cease to amuse the vultures now

Single shots give the rebels confidence

They attack in force

Heavy machine gun fire from the west toss bodies into the air like ragdolls


Vultures  tearing at eyes of the dead and dying

Bullets to precious for mercy

The night brings natures other cleaners

Muffled screams heighten the reactions as night vision survey death in technicolor

The ponderous wait continues

Stroking metal like some *** provoking act

Followed only by counting lives little savers, bullets of love

The vultures dance impatiently

The stroking intensifies

Hairs stand ***** as movement waves majestically towards its final objective

A sudden calm unfolds

Nature watches in awe as love is unleashed in her garden for the final time

The call to bayonets now, takes man down to his lowest form of savagery  

Eyes now meet, screaming death the ferocious last act of  men past the point of madness

Blood flows as metal slice through skin and bone, swaying death the final frenzy as screams die the days end

Men cry as they survey the last atrocity of human barbarity

Battle ended, vultures marvel feasting on the final meal

Battle hardened men massacre memories  leaving Celebrations a distant Country as blood red hands refuse to wash

They would never return.
1.0k · Oct 2015
The Boots.
Gaffer Oct 2015
You look great in those boots
But can you walk
Walk all over me
Straight up to your thighs
One kiss, and I’ll l surely die
Come on give me the eye
No point asking why
Okay, I want inside you
Five hundred dollars doesn’t lie
You can say you love me
That way, we’ll both get by
Life is so short between your thighs
Do you feel it
Deep inside
Makes you want to cry
I know you hate me
But you made the pact
Now it’s time to act
You look great in those boots
But can you walk
Walk all over me
Now it’s the talking part
Two strangers, heart to heart
Truths and lies
Smoke and why’s
I need to see you in my mind, you’ll get me through the tough times
You need the money
Seems rather funny, no money where I’m going
How about you, kids and all
How we fall
Two people in the night
Just getting through
As you do
Your boots on the floor
The last glimpse as I close the door.

It’s raining, death on the hill
No time for the final ****
You did look great in those boots
Will you walk for the final time
All over me.
1.0k · Jun 2015
Calendar Girls.
Gaffer Jun 2015
January’s woman melts the snow.
February’s woman is good to go
March she blows like the wind
Aprils woman is sad then warmingly glad
May the shackles are off
June in bed till noon
July love on the beach
August same woman, roll on september
September’s woman is petite and coy
October is comfort and joy
November’s woman is fireworks, this is the one
December’s woman is ice cold, she’s just found out what  i've being doing for the last eleven months and wants a divorce.
1.0k · Jun 2015
Mr and Mrs Smith.
Gaffer Jun 2015
That poignant moment when we meet
Like long lost friends
So discreet
You look good together
Why do you need me
Is he blind
Is it me
We play the game
It’s nothing new
Hotels are full of Smiths
Like me and you
I should move on
You should too
You look good together
Him and you
We plan the next
Somewhere new
Mr and Mrs rendezvous
She’s sleeping now
I gaze her naked way
Thinking to myself
Turning to hide his shame
The woman with his brothers name.
1.0k · Dec 2015
Santa's Dilemma.
Gaffer Dec 2015
Dear Santa

I’m writing early this year
Especially after the debacle of last year
You delivered the **** underwear and the two day hotel break to my wife
What the hell were you thinking
Does my wife look like she can get into a size ten
You useless fat *******
Two days I had to suffer the wife parading herself
It was psychological torture
Swear to god, if I could’ve got my hands on you
Still swithering on sueing your fat ***
This year I’m going to lay it on the line
Deliver it to the wrong address
Your ** ** **, will be Oh oh oh
Do I make myself clear
Now listen up
Facepack and support tights
They go to the wife
Basque and french knickers, hotel included
Too the lover
Don’t make me go back to that hotel with the wife
Or I swear, you’ll be wearing that reindeer
Do you need a reminder
Have you got it now
Oh, and merry Christmas.
968 · Jun 2016
Gaffer Jun 2016
I’m just popping out for cigarettes
Just popping out
But he never returned
Everyday someone just pops out and never returns
It was out of character
Something must have happened
She left the keys in the ignition, her mobile on the seat
She hasn’t been seen since
It doesn’t make sense
Everyday someone will just walk out the door and never return
They all have their reasons
Stress, money troubles, relationship breakdowns
For the loved ones left behind
Some never recover
****** is always the first thought
Some return in time
Some return after several years
Some change identities, and never return
Eighty percent of people who go missing have mental health issues
Teenagers make up the biggest numbers
The greatest tragedy in all of this is
The Police may find people after several years
The missing person will tell them they don’t want to be found
The loved ones never know this.
949 · Apr 2015
Gaffer Apr 2015
She’s so spiritual in mind
Like the poem says
Lost for a time
But I like that
Says she’s found her soul mate
Thank god, lost mine at poker
But I like her
She’s like a health warning, in a good way
Laughs when I fly down hills
Worries I might fall in love
What do you know, she’s a free spirit
Gets angry when life lets her down
Lets it all burn
But comes back on a high
I like that
Tonight I’ll throw some dice, might win
Later on, who knows
Which way the wind blows
Tomorrow the forest will take my pain
Any luck she’ll be around
We all need a spirit
Any luck, she might be mine.
946 · Nov 2016
Gaffer Nov 2016
The final piece of makeup
She becomes the woman
No kiss on those ruby lips
All for show
Let’s not spoil the glow
For the woman on the go
Competing with Miss high heels
Not forgetting ***** *****
The other one who loves herself
Women in general
Checks the mirror for the approval seal
She’s hot
The real deal
Turns and asks
How do i look
I don’t know
I left you years ago.
944 · Aug 2015
The Answer Machine.
Gaffer Aug 2015
Please leave your message after the tone, though I’ll probably never get back to you.
Gaffer, Phil here, can you drive a car with three wheels.
Paul, Sheryl, I’m leaving you for a Canadian lumberjack, don’t try and talk me out of it.
Gaffer, Micky here, that bird Tasmin you hooked me up with, she wants to try the buddha position, what the hell is it.
Gaffer, Phil, I’ve been arrested, ******* fifty quid in the license, you *******.
Paul, Sheryl, you would just let me go off with a Lumberjack, you *******.
Mr Gaffney, do you know you’re entitled to five thousand pounds for that accident you had three years ago. Phone us.
Paul, Linda here, I’ve left Tony, can I crash at yours for a few days.
Paul, Nurse Jackie here at the Psychiatric  hospital, just an update from the doctor, he’s still in two minds.
Gaffer, Phil here, can you come and bail me out.
Paul, Sheryl, I’ve dumped the Lumberjack, going out with Hans now, my soul mate.
Paul, Tracy down at the STD clinic, your tests are clear, and no, I don’t want to celebrate with you.
Gaffer, Micky, that Tamsin's a guy, what the hell is wrong with you.
Gaffer, Phil, are you coming or what.
Paul, Linda, We’re going to give it another go.
Paul, Sheryl here, I’m giving you one more chance, I could have my pick of  guys, why the hell I picked you only god knows, I’m coming round now.
Paul, This is the sunshine retreat holiday company, your immediate sabbatical is now ready when you are.
Paul, nurse Jackie here at the Psychiatric hospital, is the doctor at yours.
941 · Mar 2016
The Child Has Gone.
Gaffer Mar 2016
The child has gone
Such a long time
They searched like everywhere
But something told them
The child has gone
They started looking inwards
Watching expressions
Looking for that clue
So strange, nothing
The child has gone
Days turned to weeks
Nationwide alert
Calls came in, including the cranks
The child has gone
The search died down
Talk spread
Children stayed indoors
Fear became the byword

She watched within the large tree
Her secret hiding place
It was fun
The earth collapsed pulling her under
She tried to scream
Too late
The child has gone.
926 · Mar 2015
Brad and Sally.
Gaffer Mar 2015
Lily Nurmi.

My god, red bra, orange pants, and green socks, I’m making love to a traffic light.

Get on with it.

I can’t, where do I start.

What does it matter.

It matters a lot, if I start with your bra, do I stop, or do I drive on knowing three penalty points and an eighty pound fine are coming my way. Do I start with your pants, amber gambling, if I start with your socks, then that’s it, I’m away.

Well. what do you expect me to do.

I expect you to dress appropriately for the occasion, I mean, Gok Wan couldn’t fix you.

Well, if we’re in an insulting mood, I don’t like the tiger pants you wear, especially as tiger’s are nearly extinct.

Oh god, did you really say that, I’m going out with a *****, 0.5 wit.

What does that mean.

It means you’re a half wit.

Well, I was going to get naked, and put my duffle coat on to get you excited, but not now.

Just what every guy wants, a naked girl in a duffle coat.

Some guys would die to see me naked in a duffle coat.

Do you know, you’re right, I've now got this fantasy in my head, put on an orange hat, and wow, pelican crossing.

Get knotted, and I tell you now, that’s the only action you’ll get tonight

Well, in that case I’ll just have to create a fantasy

On he went with it, hallucinating vividly while she stood there, unarmed and furious.

Hell she was already *****, maybe she could save the situation. She looked down at her pants.

You know, you could still drive, if you have already crossed the line.

His eyes opened quickly, as if trying to catch her lying. He considered it...

Lose the bra and the socks

Lose the tiger get up

Both coming halfway, they now stood in the living room, one more naked than the other. Still a little insulted she went on to caress his member.

He, too stubborn to show his pleasure, gazed at the ceiling, feigning boredom.

Furious she slapped him across his face with a high pitched shriek, picked up her things and walked towards the door, getting dressed on the go.

Realizing he had gone too far and that he was now all up and running, he tried to bring her to other ideas...

BAM went the door.

She'll call.
911 · Sep 2015
The Final Goodbye.
Gaffer Sep 2015
She watched him sleeping, wondering
When did she stop loving him
Was it gradual
Did she ever love him
Could she love another
Her mind was made up
She would leave tomorrow
He watched her sleeping, wondering
Placing the pillow over her face
Did he ever love her.
901 · Jul 2015
Words On The Toilet Door.
Gaffer Jul 2015
The words on the toilet door
Travellers of the world
Leaving their mark
All amusing, till
Six words jumped out
What was he inferring too
Couldn’t have been himself
No, that wouldn’t make sense
Suicide, was it a selfish act of suicide
A surgeon, the impossible operation
Men going to war
Is he asking the generals
But surely you would direct that question to politicians
What the hell is he meaning
Is he asking the ultimate question
The meaning of life
Is he questioning God
The giver of life
The taker away
Who knows
886 · Feb 2016
So What.
Gaffer Feb 2016
So what if your body
Is sweetly inviting
Inviting me to play around
To play within the depths of your mind
Not for mind games
But the other games
You know...
The *****, fun games

So what if I'm impressed
At the words that appear
On the blank sheet
In my head as you speak
So what that I cannot
Enter a room without
Accidentally finding you in it
One way or another

You've ruined me
In the sweetest way
I can imagine the day
When I convince myself
It’s really you
No games
Not in my mind
Just in me

I’m running from you
Running to you
You’re smiling
Is it really you
Inviting me
Into your mind
I’m walking away
Looking back, wondering..

Lily Nurmi & Paul Gaffney.
883 · Oct 2015
The House. ( part 1. )
Gaffer Oct 2015
I put a deposit down on a house.
Great, whereabouts.
Is that the name of the new estate we passed yesterday, when can we move in.
Eight or ten years.
What, who the hell’s building it, the seven dwarfs.
It’s on the planet Mars.
You bought a house on planet Mars, did you put a deposit down.
Yeah, ten thousand pounds.
My mother was right about you, twenty four carat *****, did you buy the Tower of london as well, maybe the Statue of liberty as an ornament.
Don’t be silly.
You’re calling me silly, I’ll be a laughing stock when my friends find out about this. I can hear them now, that’s Sally, her husband bought her a house on Mars. I should have married Geoffrey, he lives in a big house, and he’s sane.
He’s also gay.
I don’t care, I would have straightened him.
You really can be melodramatic at times.
Melodramatic, that’s it, you’re so dumped.
Right then, I’m going.
Great, if you hurry you’ll catch the 65 doing the planets run.
Phone rings, It’s mummy.
Hi honey how you doing.
Terrible mum, I’ve just thrown Paul out.
You should have done it years ago, the boys a *****.
I know, I’ll not tell you what he did.
Knowing him, it’ll be something spectacular, have you seen the news.
No I’m depressed enough.
You wouldn’t believe this, that estate agent up the high st was selling plots of land on Mars, they were going like hot cakes, they sold out in minutes.
That's why I threw him out mum, the idiot bought one.

The House Part 2

Oh darling, get him back, they tripled in price after ten minutes, they were saying they could be worth a million pounds in ten years time.
What, are you sure.
Yes, check the news.
Phone call to you know who.
Hi Paul where are you, sorry about throwing a wobbler, you sort of caught me on the hop.
Geoffrey’s putting me up.
What, did anybody see you going in.
You know why.
I don’t know why.
Never mind, when are you coming home.
Don’t know, Geoffrey says I can stay as long as I want.
Just say the word bike shed to Geoffrey.
Okay, Right he’s went a strange colour, think I’m coming home now.
Listen Paul I was thinking, wouldn’t it be great to start a family on Mars, or even keep it as an investment.
No, I've been thinking too, and you were right, it was a dumb idea, I sold it back to the estate agent.
What, how much for.
The same, ten thousand.
My mother was wrong about you, you’re a forty eight carat *****, do you know how much they plots are worth.
So it was just about the money.
Yes, you done one right thing in your life, then you undone it.
It’s only money Sally, we just put the deposit down on that new estate.
You put the money down yourself, I’ve decided to redump you.
Wow, I’ve never been redumped before.
Get used to it loser.
Next day - Phone call from the estate agent, Sally answers.
Just a message for Paul, that’s the gold taps installed, when would he like to see them.
What do you mean gold taps, he only put down a deposit.
No, he bought the house outright, three hundred thousand pounds.
Phone call to you know who.
Paul, Paul, I love you.
You are speaking to the answer machine of Paul, please leave a message after the splash of the Jacuzzi, though I may not hear you over the noise of the ladies netball team.
879 · Jan 2016
The Light bulb.
Gaffer Jan 2016
It was a light bulb moment
I’d asked her out about a hundred times
She always said no
So I didn't ask her again
She married that other guy
That’ll teach her.
Gaffer Feb 2016
He got on top and satisfied his ******* soul
Rolled over and snored himself to sleep
Her mother screamed in her dream
He’s the man, give it to him
Not her, not anymore
Oh no, not this ******* *****
She planned the wardrobe for the dumb
The other wardrobe to make her ***
Sessions in the morning
Whippings in the afternoon
He took her bent across the desk
She took him straddled on the floor
He took her hard against the wall
She blew him till the final fall
She dressed in rubber, nylon, pvc
Thigh length boots
Against the tree
Spoke *****
Hand or blow
Glad the hubby didn’t know
Arrived home
It caught her eye
The envelope with the word goodbye
She read the letter

I’ve tried my best
To give you hints
But not anymore
Our marriage is just a bore
You just don’t seem to realise
Sometimes a man just wants a *****...
874 · Apr 2015
The Falling Snow.
Gaffer Apr 2015
The vultures are circling
Like they know
The final act of the falling snow
Time is waiting
Can't you see
The last breath for you and me
We saw it coming
But played the game
The universal language of who’s to blame
It’s gone now
The snow has passed
Time to change the name
Two people on the road
Different directions, but still the same
Fate is cruel though
Hits you on the blind
Takes you straight back
To that time
The rehearsal of life
The part you couldn’t see
All comes together now
Plain as plain can be
For the final time
You walk away
Knowing that you can
No words to hold now
Just clear to understand
The vultures are circling
Now you know
The final act of the falling snow.
867 · Oct 2016
The Ring
Gaffer Oct 2016
It started with the solitary ring
Ringing, ringing
Till it rang no more
Others began to ring after that
The digital world informing, as they always do
Many more phones would ring
Some would answer
Some would never answer again
The tragedy of life in the digital age
Instant death at the fingertips of the holder
Captured by the hands of the digital movie maker
Captured for all eternity
One second, one minute, one hour, one day
Just one tragedy amongst a thousand others
It started with the solitary ring
Till a chorus of rings wept into the night and forever more.
866 · Mar 2015
The Grey Lady.
Gaffer Mar 2015
He watched her walking through the night
Into the darkness of life
To the ever changing days
She glanced with the words trailing
You can’t see me
In the night all cats are grey
It’s always been that way
Did you see the sign
Walking towards
Like death walking towards that point
But going no further
Not when the gravestones scream
For the mourned
They watch in the night
For that glimpse
As the rising mist
Touch her aura
In a strange way
We rejoice
Watching her walking through the night
You can’t see me
In the night all cats are grey.
860 · Apr 2015
The Fridge.
Gaffer Apr 2015
I didn't mind you balling Jack in our sack

Behind my back

But to take the fridge which held the beer

That was low, even for you dear

Now I hear you've dumped Jack, in favour of Mark

Everybody knows, he’s a nark

And what about the beer

Is it true, Mark the nark was shot in the dark

Now you're with Joe

The price of beer, it’s shocking you know

Heard the news, heart attack, poor Joe, and at the point of blow

Way to go Joe, the beer will flow

Is it true, Joe’s hardly dead and you’re away with Fred

My god, I'm drinking myself dead

Oh no, surely not Fred, he was in his prime

Time gentlemen please, time

Well that sobered me up

You’re living with Mary, quite contrary

That's it, you've crossed the line

I'm the laughing stock in the Rose and Crown

You have finally pushed me over the ridge

For Christsakes woman

Keep the ****** fridge.
852 · Apr 2017
Passing Through
Gaffer Apr 2017
Nobody came to the party
The lights were set down low
Nobody came to the party
It was like they didn’t know
The music touched your soul
Crept inside, never letting go
The spirits passed through
Glancing around
Like they knew
Something didn’t ring true
They waited for a time
As the night stayed on hold
Nobody would say the words
They just knew
Nobody was coming to the party
Not now, not ever
They closed the door
Wanting to get away
Trying not to speak
Begin another day
The spirits waited
Like they knew too
Nobody came to the party
They were all just passing through
850 · Dec 2016
Gaffer Dec 2016
Gently cries the child
Into the night
Listening for that soothing voice
Just a loves throw away
But mum’s not listening
Mum’s overdosed
Sinking deeper into a toxic haze
Eventually dying with the needle pointing heaven bound
Gently cries the child
Into the night
Listening for that soothing voice
Just a loves throw away
Mummy’s calling to you
Not be long now precious
Not be long.
847 · Aug 2015
The Village Of Trill.
Gaffer Aug 2015
Jack and Jill went up the hill
This was never in dispute
It was how Jack fell down
With severe lacerations to his crown
That the jury had to conclude
Jill had a bun in the oven
The news was all over town
The bakers wife was aghast
Her husband and his shady past
He liked a cream ****
Though, when cautioned down the red light district
Cream was never mentioned in the Constables statement
Back to that ill fated day on the hill
Jill says Jack was going down, on her
He was certainly on the edge
A couple walking their dog, state the baker was on the ledge
This was later dismissed when the couple admitted they didn’t have a dog
This was light relief for the jury in this sorry affair
Mrs Black didn’t turn up to church on Sunday
The stand in vicar didn’t know this, being new
All hell broke loose as the witness swore
Jill gave birth on the floor
A black child appeared
There was uproar
The baker shouted to his wife, with a frown
Three women stood up
So he sat down
They all turned to the bench
The Judge was holding his gavel
Somewhat in despair
Dna later found traces of poor Jacks hair
The Judge was taken down, mumbling
She said she was on the pill, Jill
That was the end of this sorry tale
Though, the papers ran amok
Mondays headline read
Jack and Jill went up the hill, with the folks of Trill for an **** and thrill
But things got out of hand
The Judge saw red, and whacked Jack dead
And they all came tumbling after.
844 · Mar 2015
Gaffer Mar 2015
It’s only love
Tells you in the card
Flowers to go

What do you know
Let her go again

Let me whisper in your ear
It’s in the air
Are you the one

What do you know
Let her go again

Can I just say, you look great
I sometimes wonder
What would it be like
Me and you

What do you know
Let her go again

Sometimes when I'm all alone
I hear this sound
Take a chance
It could be love
So strange, I hear another

What do you know
Let her go again.
827 · Apr 2015
The Last Waltz.
Gaffer Apr 2015
Would the happy couple like to come onto the floor for the first dance
Do you take this woman
Would the man in the crowd like to join them for his last waltz
I now pronounce you
The last waltz
No words to be spoken, he promised
Instead, he watched as she danced out of his life forever
She couldn’t keep his eyes from talking, not now
Does he catch your tears and build an ocean
Does he touch your face when you are sleeping
Does he know your spot of misadventure
Does he, does he, does he
The night drinks to life that should have been
The last dance
Would the happy couple come onto the floor for the final time
Mr and Mrs
Would the man in the crowd like to die now
The final goodbye
You look
She presses
Something Blue.
820 · Sep 2015
True Power.
Gaffer Sep 2015
The man with the gun is truly powerful.
The man with the pen will take your life.
809 · May 2015
The Wrong Day
Gaffer May 2015
What’s wrong, you look like thunder.

It’s those two birds I’m going out with, Tuesday and Thursday.

What’s the problem, get the days mixed up.

No, I call them Tuesday and Thursday, I take them out Friday and Saturday.

You do lead a strange life, so what’s the problem.

The problem is Tuesday, she wants to go out on Saturday.

Well, why don’t you take Tuesday out on Saturday afternoon, leaving you free to take
Thursday out on Saturday night.

My god, that’s genius, that’s what I’ll do.

# Monday morning

So how did your weekend go.

Aw man, what a disaster, took Tuesday to the bowling in the afternoon, totally forgot Friday worked there.

Wow there, who the hell is Friday.

She was casual.

So what happened.

She phoned Thursday that’s what happened.

Oh, sounds painful.

No, the painful part was when the wife turned up.

Oops, bet you were wondering what day it was, can I see the film.

Get you a copy later, now I’m forced to stay with Monday for awhile.

What did the wife say?

She wasn't my wife but Wednesday's
Wednesday is married to a woman?

Yeah she's a little freaky. So there I was with Tuesday, Wednesday's wife, Thursday on the way and Friday in my face about Thursday.

                                                Paul Gaffney & Lily Nurmi.
807 · Dec 2015
Mere Mortal.
Gaffer Dec 2015
Ah, Timothy dear friend
Did she steal your heart
Cut you with those razor eyes of beauty
Break you in two
You’re just a man, mere mortal
Never in this world could you tie her down
No jewels, no cars, no house
Just free to take your soul
But you’ve been lucky dear friend
Bittersweet it may feel
No flesh to console
Just a heavy heart
Ah, Timothy dear friend
The game of love is cruel
But would you change it
We all want to be on
If only for a time
That beautiful journey.
806 · Mar 2015
The Honey Trap.
Gaffer Mar 2015
I saw the partial tattoo, enta
She looked the part
Was this the honeytrap
Was it my time
Her name was Jill
Like mine was Bill
Part of the thrill
We lied until two
Then we knew
How the game would ensue
We left to pursue
Her dress sliding pure
Inviting, demure
Was it time
Was she mine
I let my hands caress
The final test
She arched to come in
Like the sin
The beautiful surrender
She smiled touching my face
Like she knew
Her arm revealing the true
Then I knew
The deadly Mojenta.
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