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Jun 2019 · 133
The Howling Dog
Gaffer Jun 2019
God it was sad
The guy next door just shot the howling dog
Now it howls no more
Dog lovers cried in vain
They came from far and wide
To pay homage
To the howling dog
That howls no more
The guy next door
Realised to late
The howling dog
Became his fate.
May 2019 · 152
The Last Ghost.
Gaffer May 2019
The grave was freshly dug

Just awaiting the arrival of the body

Four Ghosts stood silent in wait

They had waited a long time

The waiting was over

The gravestone would remain nameless

There would be no mourners

No prayers goodbye

The body was checked for the final time

A customerly nod would start proceedings

The coffin was placed into the hole

The gravediggers quickly shovelled the earth back into place.

No words were spoken

Satisfied, they left

Four Ghosts stood silent in wait

They had waited a long time.

The waiting was over

Four Ghosts



Sep 2018 · 483
The Woman.
Gaffer Sep 2018
She was never young, that was her problem
Always direct
That wasn’t a problem
Why bother informing
You should know
What should I know
Ambition comes before brat
Dead before life started
So strange
He started taking life
Years of taking life
Years of hate
Years of nothing
Unexpected encounter
Ambition achieved
Both hardened
She can’t have children now
Not now
It was like they both killed
Killed everything worth living
Both pragmatic as they said goodbye
To life maybe chosen
Every book ends
Not always to  sequel
She lived her work
He just lived
Life twisting as life does.
Until the book is finally closed.
Aug 2018 · 164
The Mirror
Gaffer Aug 2018
How many ******* times had that mirror lied.
Just stood there and blatantly lied.
Probably laughed it's ******* head off
How many times did that mirror scream
You look ******* hot, girl
If those **** could talk
They would be shouting
I’m all yours
But he ain't
He’s off with a ******* librarian
Who the **** jumps a librarian
Every guy demands a *****
You marry librarians
That’s all you do
She would show him
******* sophistication
She would show him sophistication
Short skirts became dress suits
Blonde to black
She just oozed power
Stood across from him
Gazing into his soul
He kept glancing at her
Sensing the challenge
Sensing victory
She played with him
Feigning indifference
Getting into his head
Pushing all the right buttons
The mirror laughed
Like it knew
How the game would ensue
You marry librarians
That’s all you do...
Jul 2018 · 148
Gaffer Jul 2018
He watched her, tenderly soothing their child
Radiance of a beautiful woman
Gentle like snow
Later he would be with another woman
One who would perform degrading *** acts on him
One who would act out his fantasies
In his tortured world
Sometimes in his sleep, it would happen
She would scream him awake
Bad dream honey
Yes, bad dream
She was so pure
He needed to be punished
He needed her
Piercing into his soul
Treating him like the dog he was
Naked and pleading
Begging for her ****** pleasures
He watched her sleeping
Gentle like snow
He saw her
Tantalising in every mans dream
Releasing the chains
But not the pain.
Apr 2018 · 432
Gaffer Apr 2018
In the midst lies the answer
In the distance, it lays in wait
To be brought out in its uttermost feelings
The anxiety is sometimes frightening
The distress terrifying
The effect suppresses the wait
The waiting prolongs
Past memories unshed themselves
A sudden chill unfolds finding no mercy
The mind finds everlasting peace
Leaving the soul to eternal emptiness.
Mar 2018 · 249
Bag for life.
Gaffer Mar 2018
Bottle of *****, one knitting needle
We only sell knitting needles in pairs.
Of Course, you do. All good things come in pairs.
Would you like a bag for life, save the planet.
A bag for life would be wonderful.

He lied, she thought.
But that was just typical of men.
She should show him the bag.
You said it was a bag for life.
But it’s not.
Look inside, you lied.

She sure didn’t feel good
Blood and blob
The ***** did the job
Flush the lie
Now she could die

She didn’t die
Just cried
It didn’t help
Just the way she felt

Time moves on
Secret stays hidden
Tomorrow's another day
Just another day
But life is strange

He noticed she was heavily pregnant
Nice to see you’re still saving the planet
Yes, we all have to do our part
A bag for life
Treasured possession.
Mar 2018 · 359
Death in the rain.
Gaffer Mar 2018
The rain had brought the animals into shelter
They were wary of him
He could sense their concern
The smell was wrong
He was the unknown
He felt the same
Always out of place
His mind drifted back
Her face came into view
The words distorting
Anger through the tears
She would find another
He was sure of that
The snake slithered over him
Curious, but alert to danger
Trigger alert, just like him
He hated going back
They hated him
**** water townsfolk
They flew the flag
But not for him
His surroundings suited
Camouflaged, just like his life
They came into view
Four shots, death in the rain
The animals scattered for a time
But slowly returned
They were wary of him
The smell was wrong
Dead humans appeared to surround him
Her face came into view
The words distorting
Flags were waving
She understood now
The animals began to accept him
He was part of the surroundings.
Feb 2018 · 438
Gaffer Feb 2018
If I could take you out the grave
Put you back in the car
Slow down
Reverse back
Not have that argument
I would.
Nov 2017 · 718
Page nine.
Gaffer Nov 2017
Someone died today
No headlines
The two lines on page nine taken up with the rescue of the local cat
Just a statistic
Would be sad
But there really wasn’t time for that
The vicar performing a wedding that day
Didn’t really need this
Put out, but would fit it in
The fifty pound fee would come in handy
His parents wouldn’t be attending
He was such a disappointment to them
Could have been a doctor
Instead followed his dream
Sometimes dreams take time
Just like life
Sometimes life is cruel
The dog wasn’t badly hurt
Just dazed when the car hit it
The crowd gathered, concerned
Man's best friend
He lay in the corner, dying
People passed him by
Just a statistic
Following his dream
Into the next life...
Oct 2017 · 524
The Potion.
Gaffer Oct 2017
First, you need to mix the potion.
You must read the instructions very carefully
You don’t want to be summoning up any old witch.
So make sure it’s the October manual.
Especially as we know what happened last year.
How you got October mixed up with November is nobody's business.
But my god, when I saw the fire brigade heading to the Houses of Parliament, I just thought to myself, what has the idiot done this time.
Now I know what you’re going to say.
What about that little corporal guy you summoned up.
Okay, I take that on board, he looked harmless enough, little pencil moustache set him apart from the usual riff raff.
How the hell was I to know he wanted to rule the world.
Just goes to show you.
Nearly lost my brewing license over that.
Then you went for, in your own words, that guy who makes people laugh.
Atila for fun.
Are you dyslexic or what.
The grief that caused
Another warning handed out.
So let's have a look at the ***** ups over the years, see if we can rectify them this year.
This is what you’ve summoned up so far.

The Cheeky girls

The Teletubbies.
That guy who said, I didn’t have *** with that woman, that week.
European Union
Hp  Poets

You can see how the coven is not over the moon with this lot.
So, before you summon up anyone this year, I’m going to be looking over your shoulder, make sure you get it right.
Right, the mixture is brewing up fine, looking good.
Okay, begin the summoning up.
Oh great spirit in the brew, sum us up something new.
Okay looking good, coming through now.
A big dumb guy wearing a wig.
Right, I like it, do you have a name for him.
Trumpy  you think.
Looks more like a Donald to me.
But the main thing is.
He looks harmless enough...
Sep 2017 · 313
Gaffer Sep 2017
Can you see my VPL through this dress?
Hold on till I look out the window.
What you looking at.
I’m searching for the spaceship.
Is that your idea of a joke.
Hey, you’re the one speaking Klingon.
Okay dummy, can you see my underwear through this dress.
Lift your dress up to I see
Just look before I lamp you.
Okay, you appear to be VPL clear. You wearing thongs.
No, thongs are my pulling pants, and since I've pulled you I no longer need to wear them. Or do I.
Seems a shame, you could be turning me on whilst your out ******* with your friends.
That is true. I could even replace you with some nice guy.
You just can’t go about replacing us guys like engagement rings.
Hardly my fault guys want to marry me. Apart from you, that is.
I would love to thingamy you
See, you can’t even say the word. I really should replace you, I deserve better.
Okay, you have my permission to chat up guys, if it helps your self-esteem.
I don’t need your permission. Why the hell can't you be jealous when guys chat me up.
Aw, do you want me to throw a hissy fit?
Yes, that would be the normal thing to do.
I expect guys to chat you up. That way I need to work harder to keep you.
That’s the worse backhanded compliment I’ve ever heard.
Think I heard your taxi beeping. You go knock them dead girl.
I’m having a serious chat with you tomorrow.
Sounds serious, just check my diary. Okay, I appear to be VPL free tomorrow.
Very funny, you just wait.
Aug 2017 · 730
The Removal.
Gaffer Aug 2017
She fell and broke her life
People rushed to help
It was touch and go for a time
The surgeon had to amputate
But he was finally removed
The recovery was long
Sometimes she felt he was still there
Touching her inside
Messing with her head
They said this would happen
Such intensity is bound to leave scars
But they would heal
Someday another would come along
She would be stronger.
Jun 2017 · 804
Gaffer Jun 2017
What’s a lovely girl like you doing in a dump like this.
I own it.
That course i took is working well.
Was that the diplomatic course.
It was, have you been on it.
Have i asked you any stupid questions.
Not yet, but give it time.
Ask me another question.
What’s your name.
You’re kidding, did your parents not like you.
Did you actually attend that course.
Well i sort of started the online application, but this **** site popped up and i got distracted.
Did anything else pop up.
That’s quite witty, Sonya.
It wasn’t meant to be. I was meaning, did any religious sites pop up.
Well they do say God works in mysterious ways. So i’m thinking he came through as ***** Bertha from Berlin.
Are you a bit rusty chatting up women.
Well i have just come out of a long term relationship.
Sorry to hear that, how long were you together.
A week.
Wish i hadn’t asked now. Was that a full week.
Well a week is a week.
Not necessarily, it might have been Saturday, Sunday.
I suppose so.
So was it.
No, it was Wednesday, Saturday.
So technically it was four days.
If you want to be pedantic about it.
What about your relationship before that.
Eight days.
What’s your longest relationship.
Three weeks.
That must have seemed like a marriage to you.
Actually my wife died tragically.
I’m really sorry, that was insensitive of me.
Only kidding Sonya, she ran off with the window cleaner. The windows have never recovered.
My God, you’re a train wreck.
You want to be on that train, don’t you Sonya.
I do, i actually want to go out with you. Why the hell do i want to go out with you.
Well Sonya, if you don’t go out with me. Then one fine day you’ll marry this boring guy, and i’ll be at the back of your mind.
But in my mind, I’ve already dumped you.
Not necessarily Sonya, this could be a match made in heaven.
It won't be, I’ve already known you five minutes, and already you’re doing my head in.
Well that is a sort of a relationship, is it not.
I suppose so. I don’t even know your name.
It’s Paul.
Paul, did your parents not like you.
Do you see what you did there, Sonya.
*** i’ve become you, how the hell did that happen.
I’m not sure Sonya, maybe we shouldn’t go out together.
No we must, it’s like i need to go out with you for my sanity’s sake.
Okay Sonya, pick you up at eight tomorrow night...
Jun 2017 · 613
Gaffer Jun 2017
Okay let's get the etiquette straight
I walk towards you, i nod
You nod back
Works all around the world
What doesn’t work, is, you stopping
Stopping is bad
It’s a protocol thing
One must never stop and engage one
You just don’t do it
I really don’t want to know about your corns
Don’t give a crap about your lumbago
The price of fish doesn’t interest me
Old Mrs Jones died this time
Sure she’ll be missed
Your wife’s having an affair
How are your corns
They really can be painful i’m told
That lumbago
I could recommend a good chiropractor
The price of fish these days, shocking
Old Mrs Jones
God, i’ll miss her
Is that my bust, bus
Need to rush.
May 2017 · 717
Gaffer May 2017
The day breaks and the morning comes alive
The down and outs leave their luxurious trappings
The shop doorways are hosed down
The rush hour rushes by
Shop girls display tomorrow's must haves
Perfume lingers over the first hit of coffee
Gossip travels at high speed
Numb minding work begins
Old lady fidgets with new generation card
The war was easier she sighs
Kids try to sell you tomorrows version of yesterday's wheel
No catch up it seems in the technological world
Only the race to the bottom
Traders popping uppers invent the ten day week
Live for today, dollar tomorrow
Gold and sharp suits can’t hide the body crumbling
Clinics battery charge the fading hopefuls
New lease of life, the temporary meltdown
One born every minute
Evening drinks ***** the day from hell
Home time sets tomorrow's doom alarm
The night people emerge
Shop doorway heaters blowing, provide luxury
Last weeks paper catches his eye
He immediately goes to stocks and shares
Things are looking great
Just as he predicted
The twenty four year old drifts off to sleep, smiling thoughts of yesteryear
Those were the days
Those were the days.
May 2017 · 1.7k
The Little Soldiers.
Gaffer May 2017
All the little soldiers walking in a row
Where they are heading, nobody knows
He tried to satisfy her
She tried to blow
But he was killing all the little soldiers
She didn’t know
Now the little soldiers were walking in his head
Every single day
Pretending to be dead
She needed love
But he was dead below
What could she do
She didn’t know
All the little soldiers tried to explain
They were just going home
Now they’re dead in vain
He couldn’t satisfy her
No matter how hard he tried
He couldn’t satisfy her
It was like everything had died
All the little soldiers walking in a row
Heading up to heaven
Waving as they go
He started to cry
She walked away
All the little soldiers walking in a row
Stopped before the gates
Waiting till he showed
He was now at peace
Forgiveness was bestowed
All the little soldiers walking in a row.
Apr 2017 · 351
The Sign.
Gaffer Apr 2017
It was raining when I met her.
A sure sign.
I ignored it.
Many a love story started in the rain.
We headed into the restaurant.
She throttled her brolly, drenching me in the process.
I ignored it, my white suit didn’t.
She perused the menu.
I suggested drinks.
Yes, plain water is so invigorating.
If you’re in the Sahara desert, it sure is.
Another sign.
The vegan menu was excellent, she said.
The 16 ounce steak with animal still attached wasn’t, seemingly.
We talked about the benefits of a vegan diet. She talked about the benefits of a vegan diet.
I saw her roasting over a well lit spit with an apple in her mouth.
Another sign.
I played carrots on the plate game.
She grew her own potatoes, she said.
My eyes lit up at the thought of her having a little plot. Or maybe the thought of her in the plot. That was cruel. Just because she has a passion for something, there’s no need to be negative about it. Just eat the **** meal, the benefits will come later.
I am going to stay celibate till the right man comes along.
Okay so the benefits may take awhile, a lifetime by the looks of it.
Think of something interesting to say. Do you think Jesus, had he been on the farm. Do you think he would have fed the five thousand bread and steak.
I am a bit of a theologian myself, let me explain.
Christ, now I've opened a can of worms. A can of worms in sauce, how good does that sound. Maybe if I prayed hard, the uncelibacy god would whack her over the head.
How do you feel about *** before marriage, she said.
I think it’s a great idea. Okay her eyes are bulging out her head. Actually I think if a couple loved each other, they would wait. Okay, eyes back in head.
I totally agree, I think once the baby is conceived, there’s no need for ***. Don’t you agree.
Okay, carrots and peas, no ***, she definitely won’t have a telly, so that’s foreplay out the window. Yes I agree. How many kids are you thinking of having.
I was thinking about six.
Christ, we’ll be called the fruit and veg family. Right, desperate times call for desperate measures.
Wish I hadn’t got that vasectomy now.
I’ve had the snip.
You have committed the greatest sin ever. I thought when I met you there was a sign hanging over you. I’ll have to go, I really need to get to confessional, unburden myself.
Would you like me to join you.
No, you are past redemption.
That’s a shame. I really felt the signs were looking good.
Apr 2017 · 852
Passing Through
Gaffer Apr 2017
Nobody came to the party
The lights were set down low
Nobody came to the party
It was like they didn’t know
The music touched your soul
Crept inside, never letting go
The spirits passed through
Glancing around
Like they knew
Something didn’t ring true
They waited for a time
As the night stayed on hold
Nobody would say the words
They just knew
Nobody was coming to the party
Not now, not ever
They closed the door
Wanting to get away
Trying not to speak
Begin another day
The spirits waited
Like they knew too
Nobody came to the party
They were all just passing through
Mar 2017 · 4.0k
The Letters.
Gaffer Mar 2017
It was great for a time
*** and wine
Wine and ***
Then commitment and open and shut curtains.
Special delivery of child made the bond complete
Six months down the line
Breast feeding was action watched from a distance
Intimacy was a tired look
The neighbours cat looked hot
Killed the lonely nights
Killed the commitment outright
Got to know the lawyer through rapid bank withdrawals
Weekly child visit watched over by Brutus
Bar visits watched over by the world's condemned
Special occasion became a twice yearly treat
Birthday and Christmas, bit of hate thrown sideways.
Then the new man.
Felt good for her.
Maybe some pressure off.
Maybe missed that lobotomy bar lecture.
Years dragged the hate forward.
Time moved on.
One day I wrote her a letter expressing my anger.
She wrote back in triplicate.
I wrote back in double triplicate.
She sent a thesis on men and *****.
Suddenly without thinking, we had dialogue.
After a while, we moved on from the anger.
We became human again.
I actually liked writing her letters and receiving them.
We never got back together.
But the letters kept us close.
Sometimes there would be a kiss at the end.
The little bit of love I probably never deserved.
I would mention it to her in my next letter.
Even an *** deserves a solitary kiss now and again.
The bar room lawyers would probably agree.
Mar 2017 · 297
Moon Walking.
Gaffer Mar 2017
The moon was at its brightest
Strange things happen with a full moon
The mad go insane
The insane go mad
She said the relationship would never last
I counted nineteen minutes on the clock
It’s your planetary status
Is it an earthling thing
No, not in the physical sense
Are we talking nuts and bolts here, me being the bolt
Yes you’ve got it, you’re not out there
When you say out there, are we talking moon walking
Not in the physical sense, more moon flying
What happened to your last boyfriend
I lost him in the ethos
Did you never think to look for him
No, once they go in, that’s it, you never see them again
Does the full moon affect you in any way
Yes, i shed my skin when the moon is full
Do you have to get naked for that. I mean can anyone join you
Only the soul searchers can join me. Are you a soul searcher.
A few more beers and i’ll be an extraterrestrial
Alas the wanting in you is waning, the star so bright now fades into the night
Is that a polite way of saying you’re dumped.
Not in the physical sense.
Oh i see, i’ve walked into the ethos. Should have seen that coming. Well it was nice knowing you for twenty five minutes. Definitely need a large drink now. Maybe pop into the shop on the way home. Pick up a milky way, maybe a mars bar too.
Mar 2017 · 304
Body Count.
Gaffer Mar 2017
You’ve got to make the body fit the box
Don’t cheat, don’t lose the shoes and socks
No point killing six foot Joe
If five feet ten is the space to go
It’s not Mary's time
She’s still in her prime
Jack’s a popular name
To be in the frame
They say no Jack’s the same
It’s like some sick game
Alas, it’s not Jack today
Shame though, he had a lot to say
No, today it’s going to be Mitch
The dog who stole my *****
Five foot ten in his socks
Boy’ he’s in for a shock
He just won't know
Not till the final blow
Going to bury him deep
Watch the ***** weep
The deed is done
Now for some fun
Okay, maybe whacked the wrong guy
Seems the snitch told a lie
That's a blow
Still, that’s the way it goes
Now i need another box
New measurements
Maybe some socks
Someone will pay
At the end of the day
Well what do you know
Turned out to be six foot Joe
Now five foot ten
You'd never know
Could have been a whole lot worse
He could have been poor Mitch
Fitting snug
Between the *****.
Feb 2017 · 387
Sexy In Black.
Gaffer Feb 2017
**** in black
**** in blue
Doesn’t want to talk
Doesn’t want your heart

Wants you for the day
Wants you for the night
Just not tomorrow
Then you’re out of sight

Laughs at wedding blues
Vows for him and you
Bound for life in haste
God what a waste

What a beautiful boy
Must be such a joy
Keeping you up all night
Such a delight

Got him in sight
He’ll do for the night
No number required
Girls delight

Dresses to thrill
Goes in for the ****
She’ll never be true
**** in black
**** in blue.
Feb 2017 · 321
Vampires Delight.
Gaffer Feb 2017
Her misshapen ******* were the straightest things about her.
Unlike her personality which corkscrewed wine going out of fashion.
We met on the other side.
In the dead of night.
I was dead, I said goodnight.
She was living on vampires delight.
Do you want me to go down.
Go down, are you nuts.
Go down and get more wine.
Yeah you go down and drink yourself to death.
I’ll do that, see you in the a.m.
Great, tell me how I did.
I will.
Seems I did great.
Don’t remember you being naked the last drink I saw you.
I came back for your promise, you made me work for it.
This ****’s been violated, hope you didn’t work to hard.
It was worth it, wine and frustration and ******* lead to come-sation.
Wish I was there.
You were to a point, we shared a joint.
Talking about joints, don’t you have one to get back to.
Do you know, you can tell a lot about a man from his wine collection.
You would know, you drank most of it.
Do you fancy doing it in the shower.
Did you see ******.
I’ll get us a refill, goodbye *** is so hot.
Goodbye would be hotter.
Is this a good wine, I’ve poured it on my *******.
What, that’s a hundred pounds a bottle, put it back.
Double pleasure for you when you lick it off.
You don't lick wine like that, you savour it.
Well savour it then, fifty pounds a breast.
Would be cheaper killing her, nobody would miss her anyway.
Is wine a good investment.
It was till I met you.
My dad’s left me some money, he was an oil baron, you know.
When you say oil baron, do you mean he delivered oil.
No, he owned wells in Texas
You’re winding me up.
No, I’m worth a fortune.
Wine is a good investment. We should go back to bed and discuss our future. Things are finally looking up.
Feb 2017 · 1.1k
Gaffer Feb 2017
Death surrounded her
Bombs falling captured the stories inside her head
Real life tears fell over blood-soaked mornings
Screams pierced right into the reality she called life
Friends, limbs missing made her look abnormal
Laughter left the country vowing never to return
She watched the burning figure running towards her
Collapsing before her, pleading for death
But death didn’t want him that day
He wasn’t one of the fortunate ones
She climbed into the basement seeking solace
Clutching the doll who like herself seemed to have survived in one piece
But something wasn’t right
Dolly was living a lie
She pulled one arm and one leg off
Dolly smiled
And the world became normal again.
Jan 2017 · 391
Gaffer Jan 2017
That sad lament flickering through her day
Buried deep, but not deep enough
Folded flag, a reminder of the love never returned
Death the escape, but still the prisoner
Married to the ego
Maybe both
The beauty queen, ugly inside
She heard the words. One ego, that’s a bang. Two ego’s, that’s an explosion.
He would wait for her, he liked the ugly side
How did he know the ending
She didn’t know, and she was living it
The flags, the medals, the shiny crown
He threw his in the river, went back to his old life
She didn’t understand how he could do that
He was part of it
They were all part of it
She was kidding herself
Like the crown that defined her
Living on memories
Waiting out time
She wanted life
The war hero’s widow
They would put that on her gravestone
She began to understand him now
He was free
He’d won his war
Now he was waiting for her to win hers
Her own freedom
The sun was shining the day she handed the flag and medals to his mum
The walk over the bridge would finally set her free
The crown didn’t make much of a splash
No bang, no explosion
Just so much more
He liked her ugly side
She liked that just fine.
Jan 2017 · 410
In the waiting room.
Gaffer Jan 2017
The woman’s talking gallstones
He’s going on about his eyes
That one’s under the doctor
What does that mean
She doesn’t understand the younger generation
The price of fish
She’s come in with her leg
That caught my attention
Does she have three
He came in with his leg last week, now its his arm
Her daughters pregnant with triplets
For some reason i imagined them doing it three times that night
Hospital food is still awful
Maybe it’s the price of fish
You don’t want admitted on a Monday
Note to body, heart attack Tuesday onwards
You don’t want that Dr Campbell
I had him last week
Doctor Baker is nice
My goldfish died
That happened to my dog
Wonder if it ate the goldfish
My doctor's experimenting on me
Sure the medical board don’t allow that
Okay, all hell's broke loose
Dr Campbell has taken a heart attack
On a Monday as well
Poor Dr Campbell, he was so nice
Well that’s the kettle calling the *** black
What’s wrong with you son
Well i thought i was going nuts
But I’ve now made a remarkable recovery.
Jan 2017 · 434
America In Waiting.
Gaffer Jan 2017
The wounded animal is at its most dangerous when approached.
This animal has been festering for a lot of years now.
An open wound covered by the ****** bandage of past glories.
Waiting to rise.
Seeking direction.
The inspiring leader.
When the world seeks guidance, and the house is dark.
Dangerous times lay ahead.
Jan 2017 · 467
Gaffer Jan 2017
Now is the time for a long term relationship.
I declare my intentions online
Tazmin comes through. She’s just come out of a ten year relationship.
She could be the one.
Okay, she’s just come out of prison after ten years. Caught the boyfriend cheating on her.
Okay Tazmin, get back to you.
Right, Chantelle has split from her long time lover Rosie. She wants to try something new. But i need to get a *** change.
Don’t know if that’s lesbian humour or not.
Message from Candy. Get a life *******.
I just know she’s the one. But i’m not lowering myself to that level just yet.
Tina. ******* hate men.
You don’t know me Tina.
You’re a man, that’s enough.
Any sensible women out there.
Madge, I’m 84 looking for a relationship. My last lover died on the job.
Madge. For fucksakes take up knitting.
Listen up you lot, it’s not my problem  you can’t keep your men, or women.
Okay maybe shouldn’t have said that.
You *******. Followed by, I’ll stick they knitting needles where the sun don’t shine. I’ll do another ten years for you.  Oh, and. ****** tossing *******.
What the hell happened to the gentle ***.
This was not how I expected things to turn out.
Let's get back to basics
Any of you lot want to go out tonight and get ******, have unprotected ***. I’m paying.
Computer’s going nuts now.
I’m in.  You’re the man. Why didn’t you just say that the first time.
*******, can I bring a friend.
Happy birthday Paul.
Dec 2016 · 377
On The Road.
Gaffer Dec 2016
Nobody cries for yesterday
Not me, not you
Only the dead on the hill
Walk in the night
In this foolish world of lies
Where buildings mourn
And the world drowns
It was then
It was in that moment
I realised
You were maybe everything
I needed
To make my life complete
On this crazy journey, we call life
Every road has an ending
If you walk the distance asked
People stop and touch you for a time
Sometimes you’re grateful
Sometimes not
In the light of the house
You may see me looking in
The guy on the road
Finally realising
You were maybe everything
I needed
Wishing you happiness
On that crazy journey, we call life.
Happy New Year to all Hello poets.
Dec 2016 · 1.2k
The Toaster.
Gaffer Dec 2016
The toasters on the blink.
I don't care, i'm leaving you.
I know you like your toast in the morning, but that's a bit extreme.
I've met someone new.
You never mentioned that last night when you were screaming more, more.
That was goodbye ***.
I think i'll get a brown toaster.
You would put a brown toaster against a red background.
Hardly your concern now.
I designed this kitchen, you are not getting a brown toaster.
Think i'll change the whole decor when you leave.
That is just typical of you. You just can't wait to forget me.
I think it's for the best cuddles. Maybe make it my man cave.
That's it, i'm dumping the other guy. I am not having you undo all my good work.
Won't he be devastated.
Who cares. Right we're going shopping today.
Oops turned out to be the fuse.
Right, i'm going.
Going where cuddles.
Back to bed, do not disturb me.
Aw, i was thinking some sympathy ***, maybe get back together ***.
Do not disturb me.
Okay cuddles, i'll pop down to the tailors, get fitted out for your sisters wedding. I'm thinking bright orange,
Oh my god, stay there, i'm going with you.
Dec 2016 · 357
Brad And Sally.
Gaffer Dec 2016
Lily Nurmi.

My god, red bra, orange pants, and green socks, I’m making love to a traffic light.

Get on with it.

I can’t, where do I start.

What does it matter.

It matters a lot, if I start with your bra, do I stop, or do I drive on knowing three penalty points and an eighty pound fine are coming my way. Do I start with your pants, amber gambling, if I start with your socks, then that’s it, I’m away.

Well. what do you expect me to do.

I expect you to dress appropriately for the occasion, I mean, Gok Wan couldn’t fix you.

Well, if we’re in an insulting mood, I don’t like the tiger pants you wear, especially as tiger’s are nearly extinct.

Oh god, did you really say that, I’m going out with a *****, 0.5 wit.

What does that mean.

It means you’re a half wit.

Well, I was going to get naked, and put my duffle coat on to get you excited, but not now.

Just what every guy wants, a naked girl in a duffle coat.

Some guys would die to see me naked in a duffle coat.

Do you know, you’re right, I've now got this fantasy in my head, put on an orange hat, and wow, pelican crossing.

Get knotted, and I tell you now, that’s the only action you’ll get tonight

Well, in that case I’ll just have to create a fantasy

On he went with it, hallucinating vividly while she stood there, unarmed and furious.

Hell she was already *****, maybe she could save the situation. She looked down at her pants.

You know, you could still drive, if you have already crossed the line.

His eyes opened quickly, as if trying to catch her lying. He considered it...

Lose the bra and the socks

Lose the tiger get up

Both coming halfway, they now stood in the living room, one more naked than the other. Still a little insulted she went on to caress his member.

He, too stubborn to show his pleasure, gazed at the ceiling, feigning boredom.

Furious she slapped him across his face with a high pitched shriek, picked up her things and walked towards the door, getting dressed on the go.

Realizing he had gone too far and that he was now all up and running, he tried to bring her to other ideas...

BAM went the door.

She'll call.
Dec 2016 · 466
Alter Ego
Gaffer Dec 2016
You only feel the pain when the blood runs true
One more lash opens your heart
Hear the beat
I’m inside you
But you wanted change
I’m your alter ego
Tearing down your barricade
Against the wall
You scream
It’s what you asked for
Tears and blood
Now I’m the animal
Unashamed you cry
My pleasure
Naked and bleeding
You place the whip
I release your passion
You want more
Now I’m bleeding
Walking the line
Tortured in mind
You are free
Dec 2016 · 850
Gaffer Dec 2016
Gently cries the child
Into the night
Listening for that soothing voice
Just a loves throw away
But mum’s not listening
Mum’s overdosed
Sinking deeper into a toxic haze
Eventually dying with the needle pointing heaven bound
Gently cries the child
Into the night
Listening for that soothing voice
Just a loves throw away
Mummy’s calling to you
Not be long now precious
Not be long.
Nov 2016 · 535
Dump Protocol
Gaffer Nov 2016
It isn’t hard to explain
You do my head in
There, can I make it any more plain
You dress like a man
Make love like the dead
Does anything else need to be said
So without further ado
I say goodbye from me to you
Okay well said
Here she comes
Right, go for it
Darling, darling you look great
New dress, suits your hair
Let’s go to lunch
Bottle of champagne
Lets just celebrate us
What the hell is wrong with you
Your like one who flew over the cuckoo
Just spit it out
Darling there’s something I have to say
Let’s get married today
What are you saying, have you lost the plot
It’s dumping day, not love me nots
Now be a man
Darling I would just like to say
Don’t say anything Paul, I’m dumping you, goodbye
What, you can’t just dump me, you need a build up
It’s dump protocol
Come back
I need to tell you something
Come back, don’t go…………………………….
Nov 2016 · 754
No Looking Back.
Gaffer Nov 2016
I think it was yesterday
Sure she said it was
She’d known about it for weeks
Yesterday was the right time to bring it up
It started months ago
Things were difficult back then
I can’t remember the exact day
Back then
But why would i
You don’t look back, do you
I mean, you don’t think to yourself
Last month i started an affair
People don’t do that
They might say
Last month i ended the affair
It was really about a year earlier
We got talking
Just about past relationships
I mean, you don’t think for a minute
You’re actually entering into a past relationship
But in hindsight maybe you should
It’s been a month since we split up
Looking back
I can see where it all went wrong
But that was yesterday
No point looking back now.
Nov 2016 · 946
Gaffer Nov 2016
The final piece of makeup
She becomes the woman
No kiss on those ruby lips
All for show
Let’s not spoil the glow
For the woman on the go
Competing with Miss high heels
Not forgetting ***** *****
The other one who loves herself
Women in general
Checks the mirror for the approval seal
She’s hot
The real deal
Turns and asks
How do i look
I don’t know
I left you years ago.
Oct 2016 · 456
The Room.
Gaffer Oct 2016
The room was in darkness
Save for the solitary shard of light
Shining directly onto that point on the wall
The blood had dried in long back
If the room could speak
There would be screams
The chains still hung on the wall
Frozen in time
A timely reminder
To the events of that day
She touched them
Just to understand
She expected the feel of cold metal
Instead, a strange heat surged through her body
Compelling her into the chains
Tightly binding her against the wall
Trapped, she waited
He was watching her
Listening as her heart pounded in fear
Just the beginning
She thought she was screaming
As the blood entered her mouth, slowly
Forcing her eyes to scream
Her mind now drowning in panic
As life began to fade
He watched her, fascinated as she entered the next phase
The journey into the afterlife
Just like the others
The room was in darkness
Save for the solitary shard of light
Shining directly onto that point on the wall.
Oct 2016 · 867
The Ring
Gaffer Oct 2016
It started with the solitary ring
Ringing, ringing
Till it rang no more
Others began to ring after that
The digital world informing, as they always do
Many more phones would ring
Some would answer
Some would never answer again
The tragedy of life in the digital age
Instant death at the fingertips of the holder
Captured by the hands of the digital movie maker
Captured for all eternity
One second, one minute, one hour, one day
Just one tragedy amongst a thousand others
It started with the solitary ring
Till a chorus of rings wept into the night and forever more.
Oct 2016 · 293
The Conversation.
Gaffer Oct 2016
She said fifteen years was a long time.
Ten years of that was waiting for you to get ready.
She didn’t laugh.
What i’m trying to say is, it’s over.
You’re not getting ready ever again.
In a way, yes.
Should i be celebrating this news.
It will be a new start for both of us.
Okay i’ve just realised, this is a serious conversation.
Yes i’m ending the marriage.
That’s a bit final, are you eloping with the milkman.
I just don’t want to be married anymore.
Is this when i ask, is there anybody else involved.
There’s no one else involved, i just don’t want to be married anymore.
You don’t fancy popping back every Sunday and making your famous steak pie.
Maybe every fourth Sunday.
What about the odd Saturday night *** session.
Don’t you fancy someone new.
No, i don’t think i’ve got another fifteen years to break someone new in
What if i find someone new.
Well i suppose you could invite him round for Sunday lunch, but i draw the line at the Saturday night *** session.
You are okay about me leaving.
Well i’m not completely happy about it, you do have this knack of knowing where everything is.
You could just phone me and ask.
Do you really want me phoning you twenty times a day.
I’m sure you’ll get used to it.
Is this what we call tough love.
I don’t want it to be, i was hoping you would say good luck.
In a way i am, but i’m still trying to negotiate you staying.
I think you know my mind is made up.
I know, but i had to try.
Oct 2016 · 562
The Letter.
Gaffer Oct 2016
I put it all in a letter
The reason for the end
You would move on in time
Seemed easier just to send
The coward’s way i know
But that the way it goes
Life is what it is
Forever moving
No time to reminisce
The train was ready to depart
When he heard the news
That broke his heart
A girl had jumped from a top floor apartment
The letter by her side
Such a shame
So young
Far too young to die
The text came through
Where are you
He kept staring at it
Is it you
What’s wrong, did you forget Gina’s engagement
No, i got held up, rushing to you my love
Just you and me
Like it was meant to be.
Sep 2016 · 327
Gaffer Sep 2016
What do you know
Didn’t work out for you and Joe
What can I say
Did I mention he was gay
Still, what about you and Di
Brought a tear to a glass eye
It was your mum who asked the question
What’s a Bi ,,,,,
Had to laugh, my oh my
Still, these things are sent to try us
Sorry about Gus, and the bus
Just not fare, oops sorry, meant fair
Your mother tells me you’ve met the one
Drumroll please, he’s Japanese
Strange name though, Harry
Okay just got an update, Hara Kari
What are you doing with these guys, never mind Di
Your mum says its been a week with the Greek
I’m over the moon
Spoke too soon
Fell off his horse
Was it wooden
I’m hearing you’re in Finland with some geyser called Stan
Already I’m thinking, poor man
Okay, your mum’s going on about a bear
Now Stan’s no longer there
It’s a nightmare
Where will it end
What, you’ve found a friend
Setting a new trend
Well, now I feel at ease
You’re kidding, deadly disease
Your mum says you want to try again
O.M.G, have you gone insane
I’m heading for the hills
Taking pills
Throwing myself under a train
Missed the bus
Playing Russian roulette
Oh no, I've just realised
This is how it all begun
You've won.
Sep 2016 · 393
The Black Book.
Gaffer Sep 2016
He liked the idea of space.
The final frontier.
Smoking stars on Saturn's rings.
Yeah, that would do it.
The five o’clock rush was a *****.
The eight a.m. rush was a double *****.
*****, *****, *****.
People on phones.
Wanting to know how their shares were performing.
The wife trying on outfits.
That’s a performance.
Your shares, Titanic comes to mind.
Yes sir, your shares are performing just as i told you they would.
They’re somewhere in between my lies, and my imagination.
They say we’ll be driving driverless cars soon.
The five o’clock rush is now down to just a *****.
The eight a.m. *****, *****.
Two driverless cars were caught at a strange hotel.
The court ruling found in favour of the drivers, Mr X, and Mrs X.
Blaming software problems.
The judge put that into his little black book.
Yes sir, not only would i put my life savings into that company, i would remortgage my house.
Nice little island in the sun, no phones.
The crash was blamed on driverless cars.
No one at the helm.
The judge was having none of it.
Subpoenas were flying in all directions.
Mr and Mrs X had fled the country.
It was all in the little black book.
Sep 2016 · 523
The Ghost Train.
Gaffer Sep 2016
You’ve got to get in from the start

Girl, love, mortgage, house

The trip has begun

Seat belt on

Forget the plan

The roller coaster will take you up

But not for long

Life's like that

Tells you in the song

Ok, we’re heading down

Is that a frown

Look around

Girl gone


Off with Joe


You don’t want to know

No mortgage though

Now, was that a thrill

All the fun of the fair

What, bitter pill

She isn't there

That’s the roller coaster

High and low

No one knows

New woman

Don’t try to explain

Seat belt on

Let me introduce the ghost train.
Sep 2016 · 385
The Waiting Room.
Gaffer Sep 2016
Let me introduce myself
My name is suicide
I live in the shadows
Just at the back of your mind
You’ll probably never meet me
Sometimes i’m on posters
Usually in your doctor’s waiting room
You may glance at me
Put me to the back of your mind
That continuous cough
Your main concern today
Sure you’ll get better soon
Now we come to the other guy
I’m at the forefront now
Doesn’t seem to be any alternatives
No introduction needed
No explanation required
Sometimes we have a trial run
Just to see
But really our mind is made up
The poster stares right at him
Taunting, asking what he’s thinking
What is he thinking
The same thoughts as yesterday
The day before yesterday
The cough would have responded to antibiotics
But it was never really about the cough.
Aug 2016 · 474
Special One.
Gaffer Aug 2016
The first mile is tough
The last mile is the toughest
I liked the way she played with her hair
Liked her smile
She had a calming effect on me
The in between was just numb minding
Just distance for the sake of distance
Some never made it, some did
She hated cruelty
One of god's creatures
Too good for me
Just to good
The body wants to give up
That little voice agrees
Just dumb for the sake of dumb
I was a dumb one
Everybody loved her
She was one of the special ones
They always take the special ones
Sometimes when the pain gets too much
I’ll run the hill
Just to see her play with her hair
It’s worth the pain
Aug 2016 · 649
Fun Run.
Gaffer Aug 2016
Bad run
Good run
Felt good, slow time
Felt ill, knocked thirty seconds off best time
Nighttime pasta, prep meal
What a shocking run
Night on the town, wrecked
Knocked one minute off best time
My body's a nightmare
Just run, don't think
Okay, you're thinking
Push harder, maybe harder than that
The stopwatch is lying to you
New running shoes
The hills will make you stronger
Don't look at the mile signs
Keep a steady pace
Last two miles, push
Last mile, push a bit harder
The finish line
Your fun run is over
I don't see you laughing.
Aug 2016 · 417
Gaffer Aug 2016
It was the less i could do
Climb the mountain
Scale the kitchen
Talk to the neighbours
Find a neighbour
Inspiration, need it
Words on the refuse truck
Toss it in
Screaming kids
Screaming mothers
What, oh *******
Talking art
Modern stuff
Bed with a ****** in it
Go home
Bus it
Converse in a foreign language
Can’t understand them
I live here
Inspired to shout
Who am i
This week
A sign on the wall
Jesus saves
Bankers own heaven
Drowning in realization
Happiness can be bought
What price
Snow on the hills
Dutchman panics
Refuse collector has a Phd in
Bus stoppers look in awe
Three together
Another day dead
Dear diary
Boots in bin.
Aug 2016 · 328
The Plan.
Gaffer Aug 2016
He drives a hearse
Says it keeps him off the streets
Plus, he has an empathy with death
His dog died
One time they brought this woman in
He started jumping up and down
The ex wife, sheer elation
Sadly it turned out to be somebody else
But he phoned just to check
He answered
She was fasting
Still trying to get down to that ideal weight then
I’ll phone back in three years
One phone slammed down
It’s always the little things that cheer you up
Someday he thought
They would both come in together
Actually made the job worth doing
But for now
He would tenderly prepare the ex wife's body double
Tonight he would get back to his book
How to get away with it.
Aug 2016 · 589
The Final Battle.
Gaffer Aug 2016
The bottle was full
Just like their spirits
They shared as the talk grew louder
Spoke of times when drinking was sociable
That was a time ago
Now the drink was a necessity
The medicine of life
The bottle was beginning to empty now
Just like the existence they led
You could see it in their faces
As the battle for the last drink intensified
Every battle has a winner
This time he was the stronger
Gulping down the last drop as if his life depended on it
There would be many more battles like this
Ultimately, the main battle lay ahead
The final one
The freezing weather moved in slowly
Though he was totally unaware
Lying in a drunken stupor
Surrounded by empty bottles
Screaming as the battle raged inside him
Fighting for the final time
As his life slowly ebbed away
The snow covered him like a blanket
Peacefully taking him to a new place
The battle over
His thirty five year old existence finally at an end.
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