My hands are still shaking because I know I'll never speak to you again. I am still crying because I know I'll never hear your laughter again. I am still mourning over the idea of never hearing you cry again. I am still nervously laughing because I'll never hear your lies again. And maybe I never had time to let these sink in, because quite honestly I've never been so ****** up. But maybe I never was okay and now I'm letting you take the blame. For you are never going to be able to defend yourself again, and quite honestly, I'm still bitter.

Sometimes I jump at the view of my shadow.
And I smile as tears are rolling off my cheek.
When I hear someone whisper my name I pretend it's you speaking.

I have a hard time admitting this but I need you to know that even though you aren't in my life anymore,, thinking about you is the most important part of my day.

you used to pick me up when i fell,
but now i am laying on this cold concrete floor and i hear someone snickering in the background and i know i haven't heard your laugh in awhile but i know i could never forget that laugh of yours.

I am very quickly beginning to hate the person I have become

And everyone around me is assuring me that I have every reason not to be loved

Even from myself

Getting out of bed in the morning
Is a lot harder to do
When you have no one to wake for
And generally
No reason to live.

There are so many words in our language.
So many ways to express myself.
A large sum to describe myself.
Joyous just isn't one of them.

I don't know why I cry.
It doesn't fix anything.
And there's no one there
To wipe them away
Or at least comfort me.

I have to admit
I like to see an underdog win.

I know that everyone loves a love story
And they're rooting for the soul mates.

But I must be bitterly truthful
Because love is never what it seems.

So I hope it ends now
So your forever broken heart can heal sooner.

Oh ******* it

I just want to live atop a mountain
And paint what I see
And write a book
And pick my own flowers
And be no where near people
And make things from wood
And warm myself with a fire

And oh how I can't wait to take things into my own hands but nothing scares me more than believing I'm going to ***** it all up.

I think up
This great fantasy
Of moving away

I think that
I need a new setting

But it hasn't taken me long
To realize

It's not this place

It is my mindset.

Everyone wants this sad sob story
Like some sort of excuse
for the way I feel.

And I'm sorry that I can't give you that.
Because the saddest thing that has happened to me
hasn't really happened to me.

So I don't know why I'm so upset.
I have no reason to
Other than the fact
that only ****** people exist.

And I too am in existence.

So who the **** is gonna pity
Some ****** person like myself.

all i want in life is to paint and travel and write and read and love and cry. and i can't.
i am craving life. and it's a taste i haven't had it since a past life.
i struggle because that taste is still lingering and that's what has kept me going. in search for that new, bursting flavor. i've only had dull foods.
i keep pouring myself into this search. and i've noticed i've only made it a few streets over since the day i was born.
i'm starting to lose that burning passion to find it. my great flame has turned into barely embers.
i'm not who i was. and neither are any of you if you were wondering. i've lived in this same town for all of my years, but i still seem to be lost.
i never learned properly how to use a map.

maybe one day i'll find some sort of clue. i have plans of where i'm headed, but hopefully they won't work out.

this craving is getting to me. i can hardly ever even feed myself anymore because i am giving myself more that i don't want. i drink a lot of water which is probably another reason the fire is dying.
oh well. this is what life is about, right?


**you could have been my gasoline.

You are my drug,
And I'm about to overdose.