I know you've forgotten about me,
Most people do.
Quick runs into love and they never were true.
I'm a devil in diamonds,
And an angel in dirt,
I was born with missing pieces,
I've been eager to hurt.

But the look in your eyes
Like a thousand knives,
Ripping through all the walls I've built around me.
And the tip of your tongue,
Sings the melodies I've sung,
For what feels like a thousand years.
The things that you said,
Play inside my head,
Like a million counts of reverb.

And it's hard to know that you're just for the day.
What do I do tomorrow when I'm not okay?

It's hard to explain,
Makes me feel I'm insane,
And the look you made when I wished I was dead.
I'm too honest for my own good,
Say more than I should,
And it pushes away every time.

But the look in your eyes
Like a thousand knives,
Ripping through all the walls I've built around me.
And the tip of your tongue,
Sings the melodies I've sung,
For what feels like a thousand years.
The things that you said,
Play inside my head,
Like a million counts of reverb

And it's hard to know that you're just for the day.
What do I do tomorrow when I'm not okay?



And I know you've already forgotten about me

I’m missing you near
Wish you were here,
I'd send a postcard to my first love.
Down below,
So as above,
Always the best when push comes to shove.  

Everyone says
That it comes in waves
Now it's crashing and covers my face.
Ashes in jars,
All that you are,
My beautiful boy, what a waste.

If you were the wine,
I'd have a taste,
Stuck in the maps and still misplaced.
If my love didn't die,
You'd still be alive
And we could get out of this place.

My heart calls to you,
With notions of gloom,
Locked in a room, in the dark.
The clock and the time,
They fall out of line,
Eternity has no ending or start.

Everyone says
That it comes in waves,
Now it's crashing and covers my face.
Ashes in jars,
All that you are,
My beautiful boy, what a waste.

The moon was hidden,
And the sky was missing any sight of stars
Or a glimmer of hope, in this case.

Walking into the room with the anxiety of falling back in a chair, awaiting inevitable pain and wishing I had taken the time to be careful and avoid this.

I keep thinking it's wrong to hate seeing you with someone else,
And the way your face lights up at the thought of someone else,
How you get your haircut and clean your entire house for someone else.

And the lights that flash,
And the music that blasts
Can’t deafen me or blind me from the fact that
I can feel the lump in my throat wrap into a swift breeze of nausea when she wraps her arms around you and kisses you like I'm not there at all.

I told you she was so pretty because I wanted to be kind,
You might be more apt to love me more if I was kind right?

I settled in the back and drank all the drinks,
And took off my glasses in the hope that blurring the sights would make them not so real,
But alas, the pain was there and was real already.

Too much to dissipate with the removal of glasses,
Just staring at blurry black shadows and smiling a look of extra approval when you turned around.

And I can never let you know,
Because I'm not a selfish person like that.
It's called love, not possession,
So I’m having to love you from across the room, and possess only the overworked smile smacked across my face.

Because I don't want you to be unhappy,
I just wanted you to be happy with me,
Not somebody else.

Something keeps telling me to let you go,
Something keeps telling me I should have never let you know,
I can see it in your eyes and they melt like the snow,
When I talk about my love for you and how like the March blossoms, it just grows.

The sweetness in the wind,
Sweeping under my chin,
Like your breath on my neck letting me know I'm too deep in.

I don't feel us parting ways,
But I know it won't be the same,
When you're twelve springs ahead of me in these silly games we play.

But I'll feel you in my chest,
When the fire you've planted begins to die,
And you'll stoke the embers inside my heart,
While the winter melts out my eyes.

Listening to you talk about someone else
Like a stab in the chest ripping all the way down
In the car after dinner,
With a ****** gaping hole,
That you couldn't see, but I felt all the same.

You were smiling and I was smiling too.
You said she was great and you met her dad by chance, and it was the best one in a long time.
I giggled childishly
And let the wound fester and ooze,
You didn't even notice.

I saw it in your eyes,
It was a love,
And it was different than ours.

When you dropped me off,
I felt guilty and nauseous.
It’s not your responsibility to cradle my ego,
To be my romance.
You told me you loved me and you'd see me soon,
You'd see her tomorrow,
Filling the wound with rocks before attempting to sew it up,
Or at least, it felt like it.

Death boy need you by my side
Come and be my ride or die
Even if only for the night.

I've been working all the time,
Tryna give you all my light,
Tryna give you all my life.

I see you in the dark,
A break between the stars,
I give you all my heart.

Come to me,
Like the ocean,
Like the tide,
Take me down and pull me in,
Death boy, I'm ready to die.

I can't wait very much longer,
This yearning’s getting stronger,
I give you all my life.

After the first time I saw you,
Hiding in your black clothes,
Smile on your face.

I can recall every second,
Recall every moment,
Know the time and place.

I see you in the dark,
A break between the stars,
I give you all my heart.

Come to me,
Like the ocean,
Like the tide,
Take me down and pull me in,
Death boy, I'm ready to die.

I can't wait very much longer,
The yearning's getting stronger,
I give you all my life.

I'm noticing less and less of a separation
Between the woman in my head,
The woman who stands before you,
And the hungry wolf I've fed.

I keep telling myself,
“To be numb will make it feel better”
But then it backfires on me.
I don't feel anxiety or embarrassment from what other people see,
For what I've done or what pushed me there,
I know, it's always me.

Sitting in bed,
Replaying in my head
Everything I ever did or said,
That wasn't me, but just a loose bolt in my head,

Crawling around trying to find a source
To feed the cravings and quench the thirst,
For attention I wanted and thought I would need,
And left me wondering why I'm never the one to leave,
Why I'm always the last woman standing in an empty crowd,
Because my pride is too strong,
Because I refuse to back down.

I wake up angry and sick with my other side,
That put me to sleep and took my body for a ride,
And I don't care if the whole world forgives me,
Because I can't forgive myself,
For starting the night as one person and morphing into someone else.

Maybe it's time to start over and invent someone new,
Or keep true to myself,
which I've never had the nerve to do.
But being numb isn't real,
When I was just born to feel,
A sensitive girl painted with false *** appeal.

Floating between heaven and hell,
In the middle of an ocean I've made for myself
I keep feeling so alone,
But that everyone is watching me,
That someone put me on the earth to study my tendencies.
To take me away if I’m not my best,
To teach me a lesson in the art of my death.


Is everything a sign?
Yeah.
And I'll feel when it's about to go wrong.
Like I didn't die in that accident because I bought those kids soda after prom.
And I won't die on the anniversary either,
Because on Friday I went to the club,
And I ran into that lady and thanked her for when she gave me a ride from the pub.


It's like I'm racing the clock and making excuses to be kind,
Because I feel like I have to, in order to survive.
To be polite?
No.
I don't care to be kind,
Well, I do, but I’m also scared I'm going to die.


Prematurely, way too early,
I didn't get to travel or see the world.
Maybe before I hop the plane I'll donate money to a local charity.
So I can have some peace of mind when I'm leaving the states,
That I'm not leaving the world yet,
That I'm in good grace.


Paranoid?
Yeah.
Yeah I'd say so.
But how many second chances until karma lets you go?

There's a girl with curls in her hair,
Smelling of cigarettes and ice cold air,
I'm sure you've seen her before,
Maybe in a message of tea leaves,
While she's been living in the lines I write,
And in the threads of my seams.

She's a creature of the sea,
Washed ashore in a dream,
Living life that's unkind to her,
But unkind to everyone it seems.

She's careful and careless,
Articulate and aloof,
She walks along my collarbones at night,
Leaving no footprints for proof.

There's a girl with curls in her hair,
Smelling of cigarettes and ice cold air,
She's the sun to my earth,
She's a small crying child,
She's the tangy sweet juice,
From an orchard on fire.

In a darkened corner,
Maybe half past 9,
Perhaps even later than that,
But I lost track of time.

He was beautiful and strange,
He was sitting at the bar.
I stuck out my tongue said, "buy me a drink."
Who knew he would take it so far.

Something came over me
Like a warm blanket on a cold night,
I was falling asleep,
But still walking underneath the glow of streetlights.

Stumbling around the neighborhood,
Yeah, I know it was a mess.
He held me close to his heart,
He just wants to see me undress.

There was blood on the sidewalk, there was ***** in my hair,
There were people holding onto my hands.
Trying to keep me there.

I said, "He just wants to **** me"
They said, "He's just trying to kiss you."
I said "He's trying to **** me,"
They said, "I wish I had that issue."

And then I was home,
Somehow and someway,
Feeling drained and disgusted,
I slept the day away.

Who do you vent to when you can't trust anybody?
I feel like I'm constantly growing away from everyone I've ever known.
All my branches moving in different directions,
My leaves change seasons,
But everyone else stays the same.

I feel like I'm shoved into boxes, labeled who I am, what I am, and what I will be.
I feel like I can't tell anyone the truth without being on the edge of losing them, or being told I am wrong, or that I don't fully understand.

I feel like I am underestimated a lot of the time.
Nobody believes that I can do whatever task it is I set out on,
That I am just an ambitious fool,
There's always someone smarter, more proactive, more charming,
Yet, I am trusted to make leading decisions when nobody else can be certain of the next move.

I feel tired of being looked at like I am less,
Whether it be by the tattoos dressing my skin,
My dark lipstick painted mouth,
Or the amount of people who have seen my naked body.

I feel tired of being lied to by everyone I know about small insignificant things.
I feel tired of being out of place everywhere I go.

Everything's a ******* lie,
I'm hollowed out and empty inside,
I don't regret it at all and that's the worst part,
I love the pain I feel when you **** with my heart.

I'm just a ***** in your car and a friend when you need me,
Use me up until you're  done, kiss my lips and then leave me,
I always do this to myself and it's no different than before,
My head kept begging me to stop but my heart kept wanting more.

I don't care if it hurts I just want it all,
I want the ****** but also the rise and the fall,
Ruin my soul and leave me broken,
But I'll keep my mouth shut,
The girl who's always soft spoken.

Guess karma's getting back at me for being so unkind,
All the times I've broke a heart,
And all the times ive lied.
I had too much fun for too long and now I'm doing time.
All the glass is out of my head, only one broken bone,
But I still feel broken inside.

I keep looking at the sky and thank god I'm alive,
I feel like throb of my heart and try to push it aside,
I remember waking up and not sure of the time,
Or what happened to me on the passenger side.

It's like I'm cursed so much lately,
Like death is in my mind,
Saying why'd you cheat me like that?
You won't defeat me next time.

Even though my heart feels full,
I still feel so empty inside,
The guilt slithers like a serpent in my gut
For almost severing the family ties.

I know it's my fault,
I know I should be fine,
But I guess this is what prison feels like,
Now I'm doing time.

Oh my,
Tell me what it's about this time,
Said you're just saying goodbyes
To the ones that loved you that you never really loved back.
Good times,
Hanging out the passenger side,
In the cold wind and Christmas lights,
When you took me by surprise.

You said "I'll never find another,
I'll never fall asleep,
I'll never have a dream,
And wake up wishing you weren't next to me"

And now you got a love,
No one could break apart,
"Just letting you know that you're somewhere still in my heart"

It's fine,
Treat me unkindly so kindly in the middle of the night,
You're right.
It was never perfect maybe it wasn't worth it,
Maybe it was the wrong time,
Or it played how it should,
I never thought you would
Be leaving my side,

But you pulled me again,
Leaving questions in my head when you said

"I'll never find another,
I'll never fall asleep,
I'll never have a dream,
And wake up wishing you weren't next to me"

And now you got a love,
No one could break apart,
"Just letting you know that you're somewhere still in my heart"

Leave me cold and blue while you're  burning red,
Get it off your chest,
Keep it out your head,
Find a way to relieve what we've come to be,
I'll just say it was bad time to keep myself from still believing you said

"I'll never find another,
I'll never fall asleep,
I'll never have a dream,
And wake up wishing you weren't next to me"

And now you got a love,
No one could break apart,
"Just letting you know that you're somewhere still in my heart"

So ******* cute the way you move,
Like a wave in the sea,
Onto the next shore until you drown it,
Just like you did with me.

Fill 'em up with lies until they're gagging and gasping,
Talk them to the edge until they're finally relapsing,
Back to old habits and old songs that mock their cries,
Got them thinking they're going crazy, but it's you in their life

Tell me again, how you're just checking up on me,
Coming to see if I've been thinking logically,
Have I been thinking about you?
Have I written about you?
This one or that?
Let's make this sweet and soft,
Yes.....now *******.

I liked you in the center of town where the cars rushed by but we sat in silence.
When my 18 year old body left class early to meet you at your favorite bar.
I liked you when you bought me coffee and took me to charity shops and we'd stare at all the books and records for an hour.

I was 20 years younger, I was so in love, I was a secret.
You were in the palm of my hand, and It was my favorite feeling in for world.

It was fun and then it hurt.

When you pulled away from my heart
The calls were less frequent,
I said "*******"
and tried not to think about it.

But I haven't forgotten.
I still get sad.

That you're in love and I am not
That you are happy and I am not.

I still miss you even though you didn't love me.

What can I give to you?
Transformed all my art into love.
I've spent all my time alone writing love notes in my head,
The highway seems so long,
Counting the miles back to you.

I've let all my paints dry and crack,
Letting the colours flood in my head,
Of red, orange, pink and green,
All the seasons I've let you love me.

My words have left the page and come flooding out my mouth,
Broken dams of broken hearts,
Keep you coming back to me.
You said where's the poetry? Where's the art?
I've left it in you.

In your passenger seat, the voicemails on your phone, our pets and our sheets.
I've loved you too deeply to write as freely as I once did.
The boundaries keep me in so tightly.
I'm happy to stay where you want me.
I've said I've got galaxies inside me,
You said show me.

I do in time, more everyday.
Even If it's not on paper or canvas.
I give my art in the form of love.
I love you more, every day.

Don't go kissing the sad girls
They pull you in and push you around,
Make you feel bad about the past,
Que sera, sera
But they won't take just that.

Don't go kissing the sad girls on Sunday night when you're freshly 21,
Free drinks are appealing and so are dark eyes and small figures.
There is a light in a shadow of mystery,
There is heat in a burning heart.

Don't go kissing the sad girls
When you got a good girl that loves you.
Cheap tricks and their crocodile tears  are cute and innocent for a while.
Till they grab your face and kiss your mouth,
******* out your fidelity, what a shame, it was never the same.

Don't go kissing the sad girls.

I can feel it dying,
Feel it falling like sand out of my fist
Clenched so tightly,
And the yearning in my chest doesn't stop it from slipping through the cracks.

I don't know where it happened.
Where we fell deep.
Was it the couch at my parents?
Or the bonfire at our friend's?
Gerosa's?

There's nothing I can compare to what it has felt like to be in your arms,
In the summer heat and the autumn breeze.
But I've let the winter take over me.

I'm lost and uncertain,
I feel trapped by the cage in which I have thrown myself in.
I can feel it dying,
I know it's me.

A wildflower painting,
Hung up on the wall,
No room to let it feel the sun,
Or grow up big and tall.

The colors still boasted brightly,
Of heavenly blue and pink,
But all that time on the wall gave the wildflower time to think.

About why it wasn't like the other flowers,
The ones outside in the heat,
The ones with chances to see the world and grace new people's feet.

About why the rain always hit the petals, so delicate and sweet,
Of the wildflowers outside that she never got to meet.

A wildflower painting hung up on the wall,
Turned out to not be such a wildflower at all.

I don't know where it went.

There was passion in places and there were ethereal faces that needed to be described in the most extravagant way to the people who didn't get a chance to see them.

There was New York City lights in my eyes and cigarette ashes that peppered the snow and blew away in the freezing wind.

I was in love with myself and nobody else,
I was looking for hope in old second hand books,
In dream decoding, in slight movements of bodies.

I don't know where it went.

There was time that never seemed to end,
And words that rushed in like the evening high tide,
Pressing its hands on my throat,
Forcing me until I'm gasping
Write it all! Write it all!

And it was there but where has it gone?
Somewhere among the stars where all our other dreams go when we wake?
I've been searching for months, maybe it's something I've done to myself by mistake.
I don't know where it went.

Missing the simplicity that summer gives us all, the warmth of the sun, and the way it makes us feel like we have more time,
The way we hold our heads up like sunflowers toward the skies and kiss the winds that blow away in the afternoon breeze.

But still understanding that change is needed for any growth, whether it be out in nature, or within ourselves,
The way the leaves need to transform into their crimson beauty and the crisp air gives them their wings to fly.

The way the things in our lives seem to come to a sudden end until we fall into the spring.
But we become more thankful for the flowers when we haven't seen them blossom for months,
We forget the ones that grew so tall last year.

These ones are much more beautiful.

Give me a sense of normalcy
Back out on me when I feel weak,
Give me something I can work with
Take with me,
There's something strange about you always being in reach.
Take my pride in your hands and don't give it back when I'm breaking,
Keep sending me reminders of all the mistakes I've been making,
Too much kindness in your chest,
You give it all for the taking.
All the flowers and gestures can make me so confused,
I'm waiting on the moment when I'll find out I've been used,
You don't have it in your soul,
I can't see it in your eyes,
Give me a sense of normalcy and spill all the lies.
Burn me like a cigarette on the wrist,
It wouldn't be the first and I'm used to it,
Or you could keep me in love and never make me the same,
Give me a sense of normalcy,
Silence the echoes in my brain.

We were beautiful children
And we grew up so brave,
We were touched by death and heartbreaks but we stayed just the same.

We listen to jazz all night and drink red wine,
Find ourselves adventure to pass the time,
We don't talk much about the pain we've felt inside,
No more bumps in the road,
Just enjoying the ride.

Our love is too strong to carry weight of what's gone,
We find peace in the sun,
And the belief of being young.

Love of mine in the world,
We are one in the same,
You can laugh while you're crying and be childish when you lose games,
We are fine, we are okay,
We are in love,
And our children someday will be just like us.

You're not gonna find it in a few hundred text messages,
Or on the phone singing sweet songs you've written from your head,
I know it's hard, to be alone.
To take months of nights and sleep on your own,

But there's nothing worse than tricking yourself into think you've got the best when you've haven't met it yet.

You can put new faces on the bodies of ghosts and lay in bed like you've got what it takes,
To make amends with the beat in your chest,
Not think about all the mistakes that you've made.

Cover up the scars with tattoos,
Horseshoe giving all its luck to you,
Deep down you know it's not true,
Fall for the boys with same **** attitude.

Nobody can find you if you're blending right in,
Always laughing at the bad jokes,
Always trying to make a win.
You're a cheap trick always down for the sin,
But they don't know just where you've been.

Take them home into your unwashed sheets,
Fall under facade and fill your needs.

I never really remember when certain things happen.
They sort of just seem to be as if they were always there, and fade into the background of my life, but this was different. This time I remembered everything.

I remember the way I kept staring at him while he kissed another girl,
The light from the fire beaming on his face and burning me up inside.
But he was chasing another dream in a green knitted sweater,
So I kissed his cheek goodbye at 2:38 am and drove home while the lack of satisfaction sat in the pit of my stomach.

The feeling didn't last though.
He asked me to dinner the next night after a few bad jokes and exchanges of numbers; I've never seen someone fall so fast from across the table for someone they barely knew, but it happened right in front of me.
Afterwards, I laid in his bed and kissed his mouth with a tenderness that had been unknown to me, leaving most of my sadness in my purse and a bit of my soul on the pillowcases, singing to him.  

I kept thinking and dreaming,
But ****, I just fell right in.
And everyone could tell.
I was losing my mind in a storm of emotions,
They'd say, "who'd you lose it to?"
And I'd be anxious and unwilling to admit to anything deeper than friends.

But I ******* felt it. I couldn't deny that it was a knife stabbing through my porcelain flesh, ripping me open again,
Yeah, I ******* felt it.

And my favorite thing to remember: so much so that it nearly consumes my head these days.

Sunday night role playing that started off as a joke, like role playing often does, but quickly escalated.
I laughed while I pressed my tongue to the inside of his cheek, and smiled when I licked his face; But for some reason, he looked at me like a person can only ever dream to be looked at. It's hard to put into words, but he looked at me the way people look at the ocean waves as they roll in to shore.
And that's when I knew.
And I couldn't forget about it.

It's been drifting through the halls like a breeze sneaking through the window again.
I know we have all loved,
And we have all lost,
But losing such a game can be nearly impossible to swallow.

She came in through the door with Merlot stained teeth,
Speaking soft cries for the past in a high pitched voice for a few moments on the phone,
"Remember the first time I told you I loved you?"
"But we were different then."
And man on the other line,
I remembered who he was, with his thick rimmed glasses and bright blue eyes,
Stole the heart of my sister and a bit of her soul,
Now he just gives her a few minutes of his time as a small reminder.

I myself felt unwell.

My chest still felt swollen in a message from a match strike of a love,
Delivered by friends nonchalantly on the couch.
I drowned him in my aura
And set his heart on fire,
Too fast and too soon,
And it broke his heart too.

I'm trying to let it be nothing,
Take it out of myself like loose change in my pockets.
Let it be the nothing like it really almost was.

I know we have all loved,
And we have all lost,
But losing such a game can be nearly impossible to swallow.

The spirit is a real thing,
No matter how badly we'd like to convince ourselves this is our only stop in the universe,
Or we are a fragment of some wild imagination.

And maybe we can't touch everyone,
And not everyone we've smiled at in our lives will remember us in the long run,
But our essence and energy will linger around those who got to love us,
And the places we bought our after work drinks and early morning coffees,
Keep them comfortable,
And give them reminders of who we once were,
The presence we offered,
Soft or strong,
Something still tangible even after we've found our way into the dark.

We were up in the air,
Or it was love,
Maybe the heat rising as the night set into place.

In the parking lot that glowed with the moon reflecting on the cars,
He brushed the hair from my face with the tips of his fingers,
And cradled my head in his lap,
While Bright Eyes serenaded the night,
Kissing my tired eyes in the middle of all the songs.

I felt specks of lust in my heart,
But more of a sense of adoration,
Affection,
Which is rare for me,
The girl of stone.

I stopped thinking for a good three minutes about how I couldn't offer myself or even a part without the constant anxiety of possible loss,
How the words he would write in the morning love notes weren't always grammatically correct,
How earlier he grabbed my hand without knowing it held a coffee and led it to spill on my sleeve.

He buried small pecks in my hair,
Taking breaths of the floral scent still present from yesterday's washing.

I sat there in the humming of the car radio with a rapid heart beat,
And soon, a feeling of guilt.

"I don't deserve someone who is this good to me."
And while I couldn't think of the reasons why,
The statement stuck in my head,
Forcing me to sit up and stare out the midnight window as if I was expecting a familiar face to show on the other side.

Abruptly leaving was my only option before eating myself alive.
I drove the whole way home missing the eighteen goodnight kisses I ran away from,
And the brightly lit possibilities that hung from the stars.
All because I didn't think I deserved them.
But I did. And I do.

Half alive,
Fireside,
Overdosed,
I survived.

Drowned in beer,
In the clear,
Pills in my head,
Can't steer.

Summer night,
Candlelight,
Heavenly hell,
Burning bright.

Riddled thought,
Can't get caught
Smelling of sweat,
Waiting to rot.

Slow suicide
On the porches of the houses on the hills.
In the cobblestoned sidewalks in the centre of everything,
The car frame almost melting in the mid day sun.  

The faces always look so sad,
And sometimes angry with me,
When I leave the coffee, barely touched behind,
And walk with my hands locked, leaving with someone I don't know.

Slow suicide
In the bathroom of a childhood friend,
In a painted cotton shirt.
Taking it off with the camera on me,
Held him captive in my body.

The faces look so pleased,
So in love with the moment, but not me.
When my thoughts turn demonic and ***** out the things I never thought I could say,
But there I went saying them.

Slow suicide
On the highway going 110,
In the radio, in the songs that sing me nearly to sleep.
The lights keep flashing but they don't bother me.

The faces don't show at all,
Except for the masked strangers in my head,
When I think away from the mess I've made in front of myself,
And try to disguise my impurities,
My strange fetish for fear,
But I try not to let it get cleaned up.

It was May and I was drunk,
The rain pouring heavily from the heavens,
And the birthday balloons that once hung around the tent were now all gone,
The early morning hours setting in.

I sat under the porch light for a few moments letting a man I had only met a few hours before light my cigarette and tell me about religion until I drifted into a lawn chair and let the skies drench me.

He was saying something about me looking like Lana Del Rey,
And finding his way out of a five year prison sentence,
How we can be both good and bad at the same time, but urge to be bad is sometimes hard to control.

And he was right, so I listened.


"You should come back over here, you're going to get sick sitting out there that soaking wet."
"Am I really that wet?"

I didn't even notice.

He grabbed my hands and held them tightly for a few moments before kissing my mouth.
Still holding me tightly, he swung us back into the rain,
Dancing slow and soft,
Like I imagined at a 1950's prom.

To the rain on the wood porch,
To the rhythm of soft shared breaths.

But dancing turns into desire,
No matter how sweet it is.
I was ****** against the side of the house and kissed deeply,
And I was happy.

He took off his shirt,
Which was followed by mine,
And broke my favorite bra in a fit of passion,
Until we were both naked in the rain,
Laughing.

He took moments to tell me how beautiful I was,
How intelligently I spoke,
How rare I was,

All while the others slept.

I think I fell in love with that one a little bit.

I'm trying to make art but I'm numb.
Lost the flow somewhere along the lines of wine and soft talks among friends
Where I already expressed most things of importance
And took no time to tend to the papers in front of me.
It's okay though.

I don't think I could ever speak so much I would never have a reason to write,
Bits of conversation just get lost in the air sometimes,
making it hard to form the sentences or sonnets.
But I'm so guarded in the places I never wanted to be,
I have too many things I could never tell through my teeth,
And that's when I find myself here,
A tad bit drunk and with canceled plans,
It's okay though.

For right now, it's just longing,
With a false sense of hope.
For right now, it's hoping the spring will be able to salvage what little winter left in us.

The grounds were still frozen when you passed,
So ashes you are now,
Into the air like heavy smoke,
with no stone to remember your name.
But we will.

For right now, it's trying to make the best out of the worst,
Parties at your house are unsettling,
8 pm without drunk karaoke,
No cowboys hats,
Just the echo of Mr. Johnny Cash.

For right now, it's pretending.
That loss hasn't made its way into our daily routine,
And memories haven't cluttered into every few thoughts.
Maybe we'll feel better in another six months,
Or not,
I don't really know.

He said, "Tell them you love them"
But I don't know how,
The words never follow through,
Just always foaming at the mouth.
Like a dog in the heat,
But it's me in his sweater,
Give me one last change to try to get it together.

He said, "Try harder" to me,
But I don't know if I can,
All the pounding in my chest and the weight in my hands,
You know it's harder to be,
Something that which takes effort and time,
Something that'll resemble the girl in the back of your mind.

I'll be a whiskey and a fire,
A burst of burning light,
I'll be the dullness in old dresses
Or your cloudy starless night.

He said, "You need to relax"
And maybe he was right,
Maybe I was holding onto words too tight,
And I could fall into his dream,
And finally breathe,
Bend my bones into the beauty I knew he wanted me to be.

What if I was born out of soft *** cries and blooming flowers?
If I was born from the tears of the people in the falling towers?
If I was made by the gods or nature and trees,
If I was made out of spite to bring my father to his knees.

If I was made out of fluorescent lights and ambient sounds,
If I fell from the sky onto unholy grounds,
What if I ****** it up real bad and they sent me from hell,
And I was born with no memory of it and no secrets to tell.

Or I was just born from my mothers womb,
Boring but probably true,
She took all her love and gave me my youth.
But I don't quite remember so I'll have to make things up,
Of how I was made and born here,
How I became bad luck.

Tousled and tired,
She always said weird things after ***,
Always such great details about things I didn't care about,
But I still listened. Mostly.

She was a sparkling gem peeking out of the sheets,
Much thinner now than when we first met,
But her eyes still lit up like fairy lights in the dark.
Always warned me she didn't get attached or love anyone,
But she's a hard candy with a sweet liquid center.

I keep bringing the money back from the casino,
She keeps coming back to my front door,
Always gingerly kissing her forehead before we part ways, as if I love her.
But she's a little bit more than I bargained for.

Sometimes it's something like "your next boyfriend..."
And other times it's something like "it's lucky you're with me because..."
Blurring the lines of what secrets your heart has been telling your head for months.

Trying to stay quiet and not scare me away,
Just keeping me close to your chest on the sofa while the indie films play,
He said I never talk too much about forever,
because life always gets in the way,
Even though I don't want to be together,
I still want to kiss your lips at the end of a long day.

And I can't tell you these things because I know you feel me inside you,
How I told you all those things,
Now just sitting on your couch would remind you,
Of my kisses and indecision that you caught onto so fast,
And the way I can't seem to leave things in the past.

And I know you thought you could save me,
And you could another time,
When I'm not so unsure of myself and love isn't such a climb,
I keep spending the early hours of the morning alone singing songs
"When are you going to realize it was just that the timing was wrong?"

We are not the same,
Always playing different games,
Thought I had it right the first time you ever said my name,
But you were impatient and unkind,
The surface hiding what's inside,
And baby, I don't want that.

I missed you last night when I walked down the streets,
Past the local bar we used to always meet,
Where you looked at me like art and lust radiated heat,
Now someone else has got me beat
And baby, I don't want that.

Laying in bed,
Thoughts littered my head,
While I was under someone else
And you were drunk alone again.
Wish we were a old film where you'd come running back,
But I've done all the running,
And baby, I don't want that.

We have different thoughts when we lay awake at night,
You're worried about more alcohol,
I'm just trying to make you feel alright.

I have been trying to cradle your soul,
But it doesn't help it all,
Build you up to be bigger than me,
And you still feel small.

I have been waiting on nothing so it never arrives,
Falling asleep to neon lights through the curtains,
With tears in my eyes.

You said it yourself,
Timing is everything,
It's not just fate,
I'm always early and you're always late.

****
And you said it would be different,
That you were someone I could adore,
But it's all the same,
I give it all to you and end up torn.

What a shame.
What a shame.
Yeah, you were in the wrong
But I took the blame.

Her hair smelled of cigarettes and loneliness even while smothered in my affection,
And her eyes glazed over when she spoke to me for too long,
Like she was trying to pretend for me,
But I could always sense the progressive disconnect.
Her mouth smiled with sad eyes when I held her hand through town,
And I knew in my soul that our love was already dead,
But I still let her wander around my life like a ghost for months
Unable to bear the pain of reality.

Everything reminded me of her.
When I went to get coffee on Sunday mornings,
I thought of the time she kissed me for the first time,
The snow falling from the heavens,
The February wind breathing her hair over her face.
I thought of her when I skimmed over the newspaper,
The family circus comics I remembered she said she loved as a child,
Back when we were cocooned under the vast ocean of linens in my bed,
When she still loved me enough to laugh with me,
And her feet lay warm, entwined with mine,
Not so ******* cold.

I even thought of her when I was alone,
How much her eyes reminded me of melted milk chocolates,
All the weird facts she had memorized,
The way she always pecked me three times before going in for the ****,
The way we were so in love.

I am still in love.
We are not.
But we
were.

Feel like a ghost
In the background of your life,
Trying to bear me the weight of the truth,
And you tell me it's fine.

When I'm so focused on your face,
Like the camera lens,
And you're always staring into space,
Forgetting to "love me too" in front of your friends.

Like a good cup of coffee
Sitting on the counter for too long,
Now you're bitter and cold,
Now you're coming off too strong.

Thought I could be good for you,
But it's not the first time I've been wrong,
You just like to lay me down to the sound of indie rock songs.

Yeah, nobody said that love was easy
But they never said it'd be this hard,
Looking at you feels like looking at a loved ones face
On a laminated memorial card.

I don't look at you the way I used to,
Just see the sleeplessness in your face,
I don't follow you the way I used to,
You were never worth the chase.

You wore out the strings keeping us together with a million little lies,
After years of nearly severing them,
Now I've cut all the ties.

I can't keep reading the apologies, like a suicide note, every time.
Leave you hanging by a thread,
But in the end, I always die.

I don't know how I ever let someone  like you find their way under my skin,
Finally got you out,
Now I'll never let anyone in.

Nodding your head and smiling,
I could watch that body all night,
Under the dim flashing lights,
All the noise disappeared aside from the saxophone and the vibrations of cool jazz.
Swaying, swaying.
Until you lean your head back,
As if sensing extreme pleasure,
You let out a soft cry
Then kept swaying, swaying.
Got a cigarette in one hand and a bottle in the other,
Gotta love the way you got your own thing going.
Take a drag and a swig,
Soft laughing at yourself
And keep swaying, swaying
Till they stop playing.

Taking me out to dinner
See the story play out in your eyes,
Said you miss the way I'd lay in your lap,
When I'm not with other guys.

They feel different than you though,
It all tastes the same,
T hey get all tied together,
They're just faces and names.

But you got the lit cigarette out the window,
And words flooding books,
I think I'm getting too old to base love all on looks.

And so I fell asleep on your chest,
In the same car as times before,
Until I woke up to you sighing,
"I don't even know what we are anymore."

Words kept rolling off your tongue,
Escaping your lips,
Like you were holding in all night to tell me all of this.

Said we were always leaving,
Together and then parting ways,
But when would be the time we would both decide to stay?

Now would be my answer,
But you left me on open ends,
So I just paused and you stared at me,
"Babe, are we just friends?"

I feel so much better,
On another planet, in another universe,
Not on the couch, after too much wine,
Or in the car, too high.
Watching all their faces,
Watching me,
Look at me,
Look at me.
I lack the the understanding of reality.
Chasing after the stars in the trees,
I am the grass, the flowers all smiling.
I am young but I am distant from the thoughts I was born into,
Just looking at them look at me.
Look at me,
Look at me.

You said I'm out of my mind,
Am I getting in your head?
The days are too long,
Now you're staying in your bed.

You got your boyhood courage
Slung on your back,
Not enough to get you to next year still intact.

I'm not trying to romanticize the past,
It wasn't that great,
But we were young enough to still believe in fate.

And our souls didn't ache,
Like they do right now,
Maybe they did,
But it all feels different
Somehow.

Somehow.

Somehow.

****** knees and knuckles
Falling over in the back,
Cigarette burns on the cushion,
I ripped holes in my jeans
And my face was being kissed.

Got sick halfway home,
Lines of blow and I lost my jacket.
I wish I didn't fall into this,
Wish I didn't jump in.

Felt like the winter and I made a connection,
Except I was dead on the inside,
Not the outside,
But we both looked so lovely,
You could barely even notice.

I love you so much
Even when you sleep
And I can't hear your thoughts
And your mouth doesn't speak.

I love you so much
When you breath soft and slow
When you're driving and singing along to the radio.

I love you when you get so frustrated
And look as if you're going to cry
And you just sit down and look at me
Like I'm the best thing in your life.

I love you when you make me lunch on Sundays,
And lay with me in the sun,
Like two cats on the back porch,
I laugh and you come undone.

You're such a gentle soul
I don't know how you ended up here,
But I crave you all the time,
You subside all the sadness and fear.

You're an angel in the mortal world,
Too humble to ever let yourself see it's true,
You're the only one that can make me feel it,
And
I love you
I love you
I love you

I can't stop thinking about how everyone is someone, but at the same time everyone is no one.