I came and I was sat down in another plushy red chair and I'd be there for 9 hours doing more quizzes and learning the history of the company. It was like school but somehow worse; I'd at least be getting $9 an hour which at that time, around 2012 was pretty much the same even accounting for inflation.
I sat there and clicked and clicked and clicked and watched videos on their desktop. I guess old Macy was a traveling gypsy and the store started out as a sort of snake oil salesman setup, then eventually he got the idea to sell pants and now we have the current incarnation.
Music pumped in through the speakers, and it was a mix of "closing time' by semi sonic, and "Beautiful' by Christina Aguilera. Was it a message?
I finished the ****, then they propped me up and had me do paperwork, and I had no record. I crossed 'No' on the molestation portion and did my drug test the next day. I passed again, and came in and was escorted around the mannequins into the Women's Intimates section. Wow, this is like a bad movie I thought.
"here you just sort through the clothes and put them back on the rack" the supervisor said coldly.
How the **** do you put underwear and bras back on the rack?
"And if customers have a question provide direction or assistance" she said then left and I was all alone picking up underwear off the ground and bras like a strange lost person.
   Right away customers approached me with their questions.
"Where's the restroom?"
" I believe it's over there" and I'd point north. They went North.
" Help, I need rung up!"
I pointed north again.
"There's no one there! Can't you ring me up" they'd say irately
"No It's my first day"
And they'd skitter elsewhere and I'd continue folding the underwear and bras. It was really boring. So many ****-colored ******* and bras, and hideous blue-green dresses clumped up like angry ***** of yarn, kicked around, someone else's problem.
   It'd be time for my lunch break then I'd wander the mall and buy some Thai food or something. I'd sit on the bench overlooking the lobby and the fountain and comtemplate existence and existentialism and what led me to this place, in a mall, air-conditioned folding ******* for $ nine dollars an hour. The more I thought, the more questions would arise and I'd inevitably feel panicked when coming back in.
  I wandered the halls aimlessly in the store, doing nothing. I had practically no supervision. I just got lost and meandered and took 5 ***** a day wondering when I'd be be called out. I never was. I got bored of taking ***** and when my break came up I couldn't take another ****. I didn't smoke then, so I had absolutely nothing to do. When my time was up for the day I was thankful. I drove home listening to bad punk music,
probably Adolescents. Probably Kids of the black hole.

my brain was broken for a few days
so i've forgoed any & all substances,
not even *******
which is its own drug

I need clarity;
I was looking at a wall
and perceived it as a dullish mush and
  noticed a dab of spittle hanging from my lower lip

    I could speak to a parakeet
and ask it for advice,
it said
" shut up ***** boy and give me a *******''
not really,
it didn't say that, but it did mimic the sound of ******/

when I poured my toast
I buttered my juice
and I took a cab to your house and slept with you and wrote this poem
as we cuddled
because I needed some warmth. please don't leave me,
I need some
warm cuddles
    
:0

why do they all leave ?///

Don't believe in god because I've seen enough suffering
I die on a daily basis
Anxiety is death of self,
Suffocating whilst breathing, my eyes whiten and my cheeks turn ashen, my tongue swells and my heart pulses along while the beat of existence draws to a stop
   In a cafe, or in a car,  in the bed of my loved one I ask to die.
I  feel it all crumbling away,  I see the petals before they've withered.
I  see the grave as the body rots  in silence. I see the baby condemned  from its first breath.
The earth spins closer to the sun. The twilight gives way to dusk. No man's hour and it's so so lonely

I see this guy dancing like a fool while his lady friend streams it. You think she respects you doing the cha cha like a good boy? Shes laughing at how pathetic you are you cutesy fool. She wants you to punch her sqaure in the face knocking out 6 of her teeth and to put her in a chokehold and stab her ****** like a stud.
I have my coors light
So i dive off the jumping board. **** dating,
I love my squrrels. I make a **** good beefcake marsala for dinner.
**** my ****

greg comes down. he stills lives with his mother at 52,
and is perpetually clutching a coors banquet in his left hand, and his pinky is contorted in a grotesque fashion. his eyes are black without expression, and everything he says is sincere, but laughs at innapropriate times.
He helps us dig the ditch for the bones of the dog in the backyard,
it died when it was attacked by the Great Dane which was subsequently euthanized. He had the idea to put the carcass in a trash bag and now it stunk and the body was a frothing mess of decay.
We laid the bag in as he ****** on his coors banquet.
"GOD REST ITS SOUL"
he said.
we said a prayer; it seemed appropriate. and after the dog was buried, he got in his car, totally drunk and drove back to his mamas.
The stereo blasted Pink Floyd "Wish you were here" on vinyl, and it happened to be 2am. Someone puked on the floor and I promptly went to bed whilst someone ****** in the kitchen. I don't know how I got there, but I was spoonfed yogurt in the night while some random girl ****** me off. good dreams, and hot nights. my shoes sat in the corner staring at the sin. & I made sure to say goodnight     in the morning
as I drove off to Los alisos on the corner of Jeronimo and El toro

Got court in a week

Did a few days in jail
& Sitting in the empty cell was actually a nice vacation, I told them so.
So many things to occupy your mind
The swastikas and "**** LIFE" & "I'm sorry Mama"s scrawled everywhere. I traced them with my finger a hundred times, then I added my own swazi with a paper clip.

Did a bunch of pushups and wrapped the bed sheet around the bars and did a decent calisthenics back workout.
Talked to the ***
drunkard, while he farted and ate his peas
"Maaan, I woke up in here. Don't remember ****"
Ate stale spaghetti with sawdust meat clumps,
And picked my nose and dreamed of the pyramids and nothing.
After 16 hours I was let out.

Got picked up, and then laid in my silent room, and threw my paper work in the toilet.
Now I'm lonely. The guard was cute, and she saw my ****.
I'll just keep stealing

Pushed aside with no mercy and my head deloused,
Scraped into a bin along a ***** subway crowded by bugs.

Eyes are misaligned and so is the soul, dreams like flight among the black dunes
What does it matter, it's just some more words for the flames
Everything been said, everythings been plundered and there is no mystique
left to wring out of this husk

Cut out my heart and fill it mangos
Cut off my tongue and fill it with sugar
Cut off my **** and replace it with  teddybears eyes
Fill my guts with gummys and cotton candy
Bleach my hair
Indigo
And pink
Let me laugh maniacly I don't care.  Now there is no pain but I'm still weary.
I just enjoy the moment.  It's sweet as can be and hopefully never sour , with
you I don't wanna die

I get dumber by the day
Pretty soon I'll be too dumb to understand
Drooling in the wind with my
Eyes wide open

murky black &
a tumultuous sea cut along starry eyed youths
I feel the shimmer in my bones
and the plasma stings my lower extremities

I've never felt this low besides once
& That was when
I was at the edge of a 20 story building
Why was I such a coward

I genuinely want to die.

The hotlines don't help
The hospitals and doctors throw drugs at you
People are only sympathetic to a point then offer their platitudes;
how dare you feel ill and disillusioned.
Yes I've tried exercise, I've been lifting for 12 years
Yes, I've tried walking, i have 2 legs.

I know I'll feel better. But right now I could be put down like a dog.
Years of agony and I've only gotten weaker. But we persist because we're stubborn, and surely
stupid.
I look forward to the midnight sun.
Beautiful as always

She makes me feel like filth

Like unwashed hobo
dirt

like prickly cactus in july

Like crimson tides in june

Like **** in the summer

Like blue milk in august

Like pansies in mid air

Like stripes on a lion

Like roses on a new born

Like daffodils on a grave

Like poinsettias on halloween

Like doves on a stillborn

Like grass on cement

Like numbers in a poem

Like black on a farewell

Like trying when you

Should have given up

I wont give

Up.      I wont give up. It means too
much to me

       It means too much to bleed and to feel
  so much nothing

subtlety
and swirling,
fire bugs make a nest
in the theatre seats . you want to be a star and now is your
shot,
burn
out    and away

*/

It's been a good few days because it has been so quiet. The neighbor hasnt blown any gas in my window lately and the cat hasn't puked in my rug.
I took a long bath and played with myself and played pink floyd "echoes live in Pompeii"
I laughed at someone i saw on my screen and gave him a thumbs up and i cried when i saw a silverback crying for momma.
It was a good day, quiet.
I had the heater on and jammed on my guitar and took a fish oil.
Then i walked down the road and didnt say hi to ryan because he's a goof. All he does is play pool and smoke *** and brag about his obese GF with her 2 kids that he willingly lets stay with him. Good deal man.
I make it back home and call my dad.
"I'm dying, I have anxiety" i say
He calms me down as usual. I lay back in bed and watch my phone. I clack away and now here i am writing this poem with nothing more to recount.
It is quiet, if only i actually listened and
enjoyed it rather than always write about it

The shine wore off so who sees me now.
The rag lines the gutter and the dog ***** on a mushroom, I kick some dirt.

Wow its cold and frosty now so I can run around the block

Wow I see Oldman nibba suckling on a pear
"Sup nibba"
His neck bounces with ease.


I put a sandal on a padlock and crush the skull of a transient, had no name,  no residence bleeding. I feel the wine now. Shapeless. Who's fault was it.

Now you see,  now you see,  there are only 2 eyes and not enough time to dream. So throw it away or don't.  I don't care. I'm still locked away in this den nestled among scraps of ****

The same **** over and over.
Pull the gun and shoot the moon.
The parade walks by, 14 nickles, still it rains.
***** knees but God is a friend
Kneel to your master .
Sun,
It.
Kites in black culdesacs, winding.

my dreams
are dead


sitting in the trash

can

--
brain matter in my head

my dreams are dead

i am dead

i am dead


no more luck
or glory-

spoons sitting ***** on the table

with the abused
flower


.

no one is here
to hear
it


dreams are
nothing to me now

nothing to me now


i gave up too easily

i don't even know what i wanted

Don't know what to say
These words are hollow, collapsing in on me.

I see a truncated face and wrinkled fingers which wipe away tears.
Acid bath,
Pig stain.
**** what doesn't scream back, the bag won't tighten over shrunken heads.
I hate this life,  because I always get cheated,

Cheated out of living.   Only pins in these eyes. And I smile

Awake with pain in this place
Couldn't dream was crying in a disaster place
Reluctant to shed light when wounded
I **** your god with a knife & your daughter
with a smile
Be conscious

Bleak like a cracked mirror in a skid row ****** squat;

Bleak like my testicles
After a day of doing nothing
But
******* air

Bleak like a Chinese person in China in the year now

Bleak like a mortgage in 2023

I fill a cup with water and drink it down, nice and cool

"I'LL THROW THAT ******* PHONE AGAINST THE WALL IF I HEAR MUSIC AGAIN"
"I'll throw you against the wall you fat ****"
And now im out of a job.
He wanted silence while i scrubbed the grime.
I wanted noise, i wanted blood really, and now on my bed its not so bad. I have noise and the months flew by like a time warp.
I worked for nothing, i saved for nothing, my life was sold.
Don't be sold. Dont forget youre gonna die

This one's for the internet which killed my baby and laid eggs in my eyes , I think.  It laid me down and tied me with wire and stuffed my mouth, my cute mouth, my chapped lips. I got up and got water.
She laid there too, next to her skeleton. My ghost now disguised. They killed her and threw away the parts that I loved. I live in an endless loop. The film decayed. Keeps playing. They played with my heart. My sad heart.  I have no options now but to wait. I *******  wait

I have a gun behind the oatmeal in the left-hand cupboard.
I like touching it when I scoop oats into my saucepan for further cooking.
Sometimes I **** the trigger and put it in my mouth and perform ******* on it
I want to swallow a gun's load because I'm
gay enough to die

I remember a 90 year old jew at the Getty Center coming up to us in line while waiting for the bus to get to the top of the hill to see
Leonardo Davinci's hand-drawn notes and sketches of 'Human Anatomy' and other classics;
and this guy wouldn't stop talking about reuben sandwiches and Canter's deli, and that you have to a have real Dill pickle, not that ''bread'n'butter ****'. & he kept showing his holocaust tattoo with blue ink and would say how the guards killed his mother and ***** his sister and threw his little brother in a cell for days to come out starved and covered in lice so he was thrown in the chamber himself,
and he kept talking and talking
and talking
blah blah blahhh
  and he shed a few tears and drank his water in the bench area while eating his sad balogna sandwich,
but at least he was done talking. man he was boring.
I had stuff to do, like look at drawings of human penises ,
dissected
and
the bushes were all blue in the courtyard; because it was July

She had the finest **** I told her

When you're alone at 2am, isolated and riddled with neuroticism and neurodivergent tendencies
a little company is satisfying .
I had no real intention of sleeping with her but I liked the idea of being wanted so I let my mind wander
and hers too

4:57
The time for the dead girls
To eat me and sing their songs of love

The time for my leaking lungs to breathe in the last of
Your air

The widowed lady sits crying for you and her nails gently screech along the
Tile,
She hungers for the silent one. Suffering too soon and the smock barely
Faded

I heard the tune goes like
la laa laa nah da daa
the trombone fish breath make mint filth frolickers
And gnome nosed needled toes take the token
Too far
la daa nah dahh lee nah
Happenstance and zero hour
awake for a pedigree deciple
Green brown black
Heart attack
Laughing like a dog it's time for a snack
Don't look back
Laa dee dahhh ***** laa dee

The crumpled fist, and the removed go seeking their Messiah
I put dusk in your lungs
Youre dead to me
Dead like my future

I forgot how to be a human.  The instructions are simple
:
Breathe, ****, reproduce. Eat


Suffocate in a pale room
Odd time signatures I peel a lemon,
Skinless cat sighs.
Wrapped in krylon
2 note phrases

"I want you, gimmie"
I want a light bulb tenor.
Take a **** in the bowl. Bowels on display, I go boweling. Such fine bowels. You bleed every time.         Rinse out your mouth dear.
0

Who hit the moon?
  With 2 carcasses, the rocks are sublime. Small step for man,  giant leap
for mankind.
Noble savages

I hate that  I sometimes come across as narcissistic

i hate that decided to pursue art rather
than just get a normal job and live an inconspicuous existence
with an understanding partner  and  a simple home.

i hate that i'm lying here at 4:55  feeling sick.

I hate that's it's raining.

I hate that I don't like a great majority of my work or at least
come to resent it later.


I hate the fact that nothing  satisfies  me -
even when I try and put in a great amount of effort.

I have a better physique than 90% of people
and quit using drugs
and alcohol and cigarettes    and still feel like garbage.


I hate that
I don't trust

and generally assume the worst in humanity  and this life in general.


I hate
that  I see much more beauty in ugliness.


I'm ready to return to nonexistence.

or If i'm apart of you , and we're all one  'beautiful   spiritual essence---

I'll see us soon

My face doesnt fit my head
My shoulders don't fit my legs.
My clothes don't fit my back
My chest doesn't fit this this shirt

I d be fine being ugly if it didn't matter

And i wish I could wear your smile

Utopic rat
sitting in translucent muck
Suckling the metal ****
like an obedient switch

the pellets fall down
the lamp heats thermal
caresses

Buried in the straw
is a pinky
The TV
Plays Holocaust blues
The night goes on
And the day never begins

So sad I barely feel any anger anymore.
I dreamed of lashing out
at one point but for what purpose?

Acclaim,
passing notoriety?

I am nothing and I will return to nothing.
I need to cease all notions of ego and pride.

Just need to be as docile and accepting as a rabbit as it's picked off by a coyote. You served your purpose. Or maybe there was none, but it's time to leave anyway.

You disgusting pig. You conniving ***** with your 28 beta orbiters. You fake, image driven, grateful dead listening octopus sleeve having imbecile. Go walk barefoot in San Francisco you free spirit. Get a staph infection and hepatitis. Sell your saggy *** for crack. Go find some gutter rat named Skittles and shoot up in a panda Express bathroom. You ******* *******, stanky ****. And take care of your kid. He's emaciated and you spend your child support on shoes. *******. *** *** *** *** *** *** ***; you ******* and you see the truth. And I never felt more alone when I was with you. Being alone is never lonely when I'm away from the

NOISE

Noise without reason. Stupid noise. Noise like saying I love you in a text message. worthless

Whatever it takes to be good, I wanna be less.

Good isn't living up to their ideals, it is living up to your own
Be great

Women always project. She calls me a ****** when her ******* droop and her belly hangs.
She calls me dumb when she doesn't even know where Cyprus is.
She calls me petty when she goes out clubbing the night I'm too sick to get together.
She calls me cheap when she can't even buy a proper mattress that doesn't pop in the night.

They just project, and that's why when you say nothing it hurts them so bad; it's reality as plain as their haggard eyes in the morning after another night desperate for love but never able to attain it

I really want a girlfriend
,.  I think..

But I really just want ***. That is all.

I could lie and manipulate and hit up girls that would gladly have *** with me but they want more and I feel cruel to mislead them.

I wish I didn't have these urges. I want to be alone , but I also want to feel human warmth. It's just never a certainty, even when you're married.
I'm too average for immediate hook ups; It's days of talking for me.
I'll figure out what to do, assuming I've learned anything , which I haven't

So hollow and void
My intentions are sinister or mostly indifferent;
I treat you like garbage because Im void of concern, apathetic, cold
You are merely an experience on this meandering train wreck of an existence
You will be discarded, or you will leave, makes no difference

The paper crumbles and the ink swells. I see my self in you. When I still believed in love; I'm sorry
You haven't learned, it's not my problem. Beautiful one
. Not my problem you had faith in me

I want to **** myself,

but Im so tired of talking about it. lights out,
and nothing more.

solid glass,

and bleeding into a sense,
with my brains smashed.
I ******* HATE LIFE.

why can't I have more.

I cry every night,

I try to be strong,
I try to be the 'hard guy'.

I can beat any ******, but I'm tired. I want to die,
I want to lie down in dirt
and breathe nothing.

you've hurt me,

and I've hurt myself. you've told me to hurt myself and so I have.

I have no more dreams, I sleep until 5
,

I work until I die,

I make money just to die,

I live just to die,

I sit down
and **** a girl and **** myself afterwards.
I love no one,

not even myself.   I want to drawn, and the last 30 people that want me to go,

I've already left.


walking on the pavement on the hill, in the sunset I see 30 high rises,

I see a cathredal and parted clouds, the birds speak my name,

I jump and free the god that haunts me.

the god that haunts me,

and I no longer cry. I am
free ,        free,         free , free from the strange sorrow and strange


confusion

Want to scream cry
Cannot love you because you are flesh
Cold to the bone
You are neurons and fibrous twitch muscles
There's not much there
Just some blood and color
I love you
But that means I live with delusion
I love you but that means
I can't see straight
I fold up my clothes
And walk to the garden

There's a strung up bird singing to me
To love is
To never have answers, suspended in uncertainty
& I'm tired of uncertainty

Your society is built
on exploitation and slavery;
Innumerable men and women and children wasted for the sake of cheap comfort and fake technological idols.
You skirt past the inhumanity and treachery simply because you are too tired to protest, and when you do, you're ridiculed by the lost masses anyhow;
Your own family turns against you as you vocalize what is plainly obvious as to make the sane insane,
And the mass murderer sympathetic.
It's a sick world,
  But as long as you cultivate alliances and speak the begotten truth, some day we may be free from its shackles and
Usury
But you can't be complacent
or else you're
Complicit

the carcasses are suspended along trailers in the dusk as

lepers coerce their dreamer

Half lit ciggarettees stain teeth
and the black lung sits silent
Like
excavation in july

No more bruises but they still run
away

To chop off my **** would merely be a function of desire

To chop off my hand would mean I couldn't pluck a rose

To run off into a lake would mean
I learn to breathe underwater for some time

I see other avenues

Real life

Wore mask
Bought sprite

"Wheres the SPRITE ****"

"OVER THERR"

" THANK"

"I KNO"
Plop
A five

Drink a sprite
****

******* and **** my weasil

She sleeps in hay
The world is dead

and theresa cries in her soft hands

The amiable saint

Down the hall sits a curious man

Fists forward

The cat eats the ear of a scurlish orphan

Impregnated Angels
Birth the son of nothing
My favorite song
I shall now listen

"Dying sun burns in our eyes,
Nows the time to say good bye"

Marked by black totems,
a bended neck protracts against the polished blade
All but the fool saw it
And what a scene.

Blood for days and days. I still remember
& Give no ***🖤

I see them moving around in there
it's an old dilapidated cabin on the corner of the street,
and the town ****-heads
and transients like to go in there and squat and put up blankets
on the windows
to indicate their presence there so they can shoot dope and **** in peace.

There's a dead dog tied to a leash which is in the final stages of decay;
and a shirtless man named Mark works on his wheeless truck set up on cement blocks and has a headless manequen propped on the roof

      One night I throw a heaping pile of dog **** through the window and hear someone yell back
"I'LL **** YOUUU"

When I awake the next morning all the are cars gone.
They probably left on account of it being 12 degrees and not having
any electricity.  Someone forgot to pay the bill

Lavender coolant I slap the gentle wind like a ***** and fold back into thieving muses

Hair in clumps and savage brutality, your eyes leak from the socket like faucets and your teeth arrange themselves in stacks of 10.
Eternity in an empty zoo like forever and footprints walking along the stone
I'm supposed to care
But you never gave me a chance to say sorry and maybe I'm
Sorry

I'm a stranger, unknown, unaccounted for.
My face is blurry and lingers on a bulletin board in a dull
Cafeteria
I am hurt and forgotten
I'm the one you don't even bother to ignore

I pick up my heart and plead to the voices
I have a semblance of a soul but it is mostly revoked,; the calls for death smother my mind with an acute numbness

I will walk along the glass to face them
And I will be recognized even if it means that I become nothing

up at 4:43 writing a poem as though writing a good one will change anything.
I have 600 poems and nothing has changed.

maybe it allows me to notarize and organize my life in certain stages by writing this stuff
even though I can go months without composing anything.

But maybe I'll say something which finally
       allows me to run naked through the hills.

something which allows me to go behead the president and take a ****
in front of a news camera on the most prominent station.
If I **** my own ****
it's only due to my long neck;
6-7 inches is nothing nowadays when competing with **** in which  every female is a consumer.

I am for sure
going to the post office tomorrow; my book of zen arrives.
It says be water, so I'll run

living in a home with 6 people like
  some monkey;
no privacy to ******* of
   or
to take a **** without smelling someone's own recent
evacuation.

   I want to fly out the window
and into a  coma.
I want to stick needles up my *******
like Albert Fish and
eat succulent butts.

I was born in 94, the year all my idols died.

I 'm confined to a room and am tired of seeing people. I 'm tired of the noses and faces and furrowed brows and chewed off toenails
and funky
        hair dos.

I wanna be a runaway with no grave marker; still born and as elusive as peace

I like doing pushups  and pull ups
because even though I have the equipment and a full weight rack in my cellar , I always assume that it could be taken away. I always picture scenarios -- alone in the woods with no equipment or nothing else;
try doing a 500ib squat or 300ib bench press then; your muscularity wouldn't even be suited to that environment, it would be dead-weight and quickly absorbed as fuel. & if you've ever used steroids or are currently abusing hormones, your
***** would shrink to a walnut; you've already damaged your body's hormonal system and are now a man reliant on exogenous substances. you're dependent. I
don't want to be dependent. I want to climb up a branch and pull myself up 20 times if I have to, or push my body's weight 100 times ,
I don't need a piece of steel , I need a piece of deer lung.
& as the cell closes in, the newspaper with water bags
make great dumbbells. just be sure to get your vitamins. & watch out for predators in the night