Just a perpetual sadness
Pure light out here;
In total illumination
And the darkness settles further into my
Cage
I am
A hospitable host

Just told the person who'd Id cradle in my arms and whose head I'd rub and whose tears I'd wipe when she was having a panic attack to go
**** herself.
Just told the person whose stomach I would kiss and whose thighs I would caress up and down that she's a fat ugly *****.
Told the one person I'd confide in all my insecurities and whose sense of humor would have me laughing hysterically to never talk to me again.

It's all warfare, and there are no victors.
I'll just collect the remnants of my happiness and try to walk stoicly into the sun

Let the professionals have their $500 vintage typewriters and Mac book pros in sunlit nooks with chirping birds and glacial water coffee and decadent street humming.

Poetry should be written with red eyes at 3:22am in a stuffy room on a cracked smart phone.
There are no rules actually, but it's how
I manage

I'm grateful to be an artist.
As difficult as this life gets, to the point of grappling daily with the prospect of suicide, at least I know what my purpose is.
Most die never having known what they were supposed to do or why they were born.
Let your art be your
guide, and savior. It's the only
One that listens.

I'm a *** loser,
white ni**er,
Chardonnay drinking,

steel reserve swill swallowing sack of pig ****,
road manure,
filthy

stain beneath the *** of a circuis clown.

  If you find me dead,
don't bother alerting the authorities, they don't deserve the hassle
of
sanitizing my waste.

     Let the dirt eat me;
and the field mice
live in my skull.

I will speak to the eternal garden and ride along with the valkyries to hell.
I am an artist and this is my punishment

when things get too heavy or your problems seem insurmountable to overcome, make a list.

  I love making lists.
Start easy.

1. Go ride a bike tomorrow

good, you're getting some cardio

2. spend at least 30 minutes in the sun everyday

now you're getting vitamin D

3. give up alcohol and ciggarettes

Now you're giving you body a chance to heal and detoxify.

4. Get a better job.

You can do this. This is the ******* one usually, but having an income gives a sense of intrinsic usefulness. You're contributing something, even if it's a sandwich to someone's mouth.

5. save up money.

Good, getting some money in the bank for some financial stability and to provide a safeguard in case of disaster

6. find a loving girlfriend.

need companionship for longterm mental health, we can't stay alone forever.

7. now keep this up, maintained.

This is usually where I start my list again.  
I'm tired of the fallbacks, and the hindsight anguish.
Someday
happiness will
last, but for now the list is my comfort

When you've finally acquired everything you wanted
and still feel a bottomless
chasm within your very soul and psyche,
it saps any motivation to want to 'better yourself'.

I could have my dream living in a mansion with a new escort every night and the best *******
and it would inevitably get old.

  The only way to achieve happiness is to give it all up.
Detach from the material world; immerse yourself in your  necessary domestic duties
and pet a cat, or any animal actually.
They have no fear of death
so consult
them