my mom makes me leave my door open
she doesn’t like it when I lock my it shut
if I do that she knocks gently
telling me to open the door with a very worried tone in her voice
unlike my dad who bangs on my door
as if he is a robber trying to steal a car
I’m now counting down the days till I see a big dent on my door because of him
he slams my door without an alibi
telling me to open the door so he can send me off to do an errand for him
while my mom does have an alibi
when I leave my room door open
my mom will poke her head out
time after time again to check on me
making sure that I haven’t turned myself into a funeral photo that she’ll soak her tears into
crying for answers that she’ll never receive
wondering what she’s has done wrong to make me remove myself from our family legacy for eternity
but that’s not the case
because she didn’t did anything wrong
so I’m ok with having my door left open
because I want her to know that
even if I want to erase my existence at times
I’m still here

I wake up at 5:03
I want to sleep for a couple more minutes
but I don’t want my alarm to continue screaming at me
I brush my teeth, shower, and stare at my closet
contemplating what to wear today
I decided to dress like a nuisance
I go downstairs trying not to trip and fall
ditching breakfast along the way
almost missing the bus
I save my seat quickly
I put my earphones in and put my volume up to block the noises coming from the couple behind me making out
so I can only hear my music instead
when I arrive at school
a moment of realization hits me
“I forgot to take my meds” I thought

my first 5 classes are bland
and when lunch came I sat with my friends
in the lunch table we were at
to my left I see one of my friends with their ****** boyfriend
spreading their pda all over the table
to my right my other friend was talking to a few nobodies
my last friend had to go to detention because they can’t go one day without being a trouble maker
I was sitting in between
I made up a lie saying “I had to go to a school club” but in reality I just need to clear my head
I went to the library and drift to sleep on a book
but then I got awoken by the Liberian saying lunch has ended
it’s fine though
I didn’t want to eat lunch anyways

When I went to my 6th classes
the geometry teacher hands out a test
before I was really good at geometry
Trigonometry and Pythagorean felt like cartwheels in my brain
but now I just sink my head on my desk
counting down the seconds till the bell rings
when I reach to my last class which was Spanish class
it’s silent and calm
I prefer it that way
so I just memorize Spanish words till the day ends
when I’m the bus ride home
I picked up a book that I “borrowed” from my backpack
it was a poetry book and I read it till my bus stop came

when I got home
I immediately ran upstairs and went to my room
pouring out my tears on my pillow till my eyes felt puffy
then I drift to sleep
but then when night finally came
I was awoken by the sound of my mom and dad
they were arguing again
this was normal
their voices were sword fighting on who gets the last word
their argument awoken everyone else in the family
me, my grandma, my sis, and my grandpa look down from upstairs
watching two people **** each other with words of resentment

I go back to my room
locking my door and rest on my bed
staring at the ceiling
I put my earphones on
blast the volume up so the music can sing into my eardrums
then I daydream into the unknown

The waves are angry
but I shall not succumb to its wrath
the tides that interlock swing their fist
towards my direction
I reach my arms out to them
embracing every droplet of fury upon me
the wind currents are spinning in spirals
my venerable ship coughs out anguish
the old ship that once carried so many
cannot bear the feet of one soul on its wooden surface
I can hear the storms rumbling up in the heavens
hungry for my defeat
grasping onto the wheel I try to parallel
the waves take notice and leash their final attack
with one big push my ship shows mercy
but I didn't surrender
the ship starts to crumble in milliseconds
and the waves captures me in their hands
sinking me down below
my breath starts to wither away
my eyes began to drift into slumber
until I felt something take my hand
with little energy in my body I try to pinpoint who was trying to rise me to the surface
their hand felt like a sponge against mine
torso was covered with blue and green scales shimmering in a twilight zone
their long tail flapped up and down
before I could even see what their face looked like up close
I start to hear a aroma sound coming from them
the toon of a lullaby that can put you to sleep forever
it was bittersweet
minutes later I was brought to the surface
gasping for as much air as I could get
I look at my surroundings
for some reason I was back at the start
the peninsula that started my journey is where I was brought back
the sand sizzle on my skin
by putting myself back on my feet
I walk back to the waves
hoping I can find my savior
or they will reveal themselves to me
but that never occurred

now I’m drawn back to the peninsula
waiting for a sign
I continue searching for them in the waves
within my line of sight
the bittersweet sound still rings in my head
every day and every night

For 274 days I have been sober
throughout those days
zero painkillers have touched my tongue
but every so often I would have my urges
but I’ll continue to resist them until I perish
on the first day of being clean
I failed
and relapsed over and over again
I couldn’t stop myself
the idea of my brain shutting off
was my mission to complete
I’ll take them in my room
with the door locked shut
and take them in the school bathrooms when I know that no one was in the stalls
it was a time loop that never ends
never stops
but always repeats
until that changed eventually
on one of the days my counselor found out
then my mom found out
and then a hospital found out
those days felt miserable
questions were thrown at me
from different faces with same expressions
and all I could do was mumble my words
trying to hold my tears as I tilt my head to the ground in shame
after the “visit” I made a oath to myself
that’ll I’ll become sober
it’s been 9 months for me now
I don’t have these urges anymore
but I still had second thoughts
on random nights
I’ll look up at my ceiling
fantasizing about taking the whole bottle
and putting myself at rest
letting my body become numb
while my mind roams free
until that feeling fades away slowly
now I look up at my future
knowing I have gotten this far now
I won’t let myself go into another time loop
that never stops
never ends
I promise

When you come across the city lights
that shimmers in the cool night sky
were the breeze will hum melancholy toons
Remember me
where moths will circle around lanterns and start admiring them
but too afraid to touch them with their wings
Remember me
when you look up at the moon
open your eyes upon its magic
that awakens the creatures of the night
roaming through the shadows
looking for their next meal
or looking for a safe place to call their home
Remember me
when you pass a small bakery
that may end up closing for a few minutes
but then you’ll find a smell so delicate it
you can taste the food in your mouth
that’ll warm your heart
and purifies your soul
Remember me
when you find what you are looking for
between the cracks of sorrow
where inner peace dwells within
Remember me
and I’ll continue to remember you forever

I had a friend who got cheated on
from a guy who looked like jack the skeleton with starter dreadlocks
and when they broke up it destroyed her for some months until her tears swelled up
one day me and her were walking around the school and we pass this huge billboard with names of the football players for this year and her ex’s name was on there
each football player’s name was written on a metal plate and was stuck on the billboard with screws
she told me that every time she saw his name on there she wanted to just “take it down” so I told her that on the last day of our sophomore year we would do that

on the last day of school
we gathered up our friend group and waited outside of school till it hit midnight
no sign of anyone was in the building
and no cars were outside in the parking lot
so I take out a few tools that I stole from my dad’s toolbox and try to pick lock from the back door while someone held a flashlight
after a few minutes pass it finally worked
and we all tiptoe into the building
giggling and chuckling to the billboard
we all stand in front of it
staring at the names until we found the ex’s name on there shining like silver dust
I position myself to do a piggyback
and my friend leaps onto my back
I raised myself up trying to hold my feet onto the ground while trying not to get wobbly knees and my friend takes a screwdriver from her pocket
one by one she took the screws of and with both of her hands she rips off the name out of the billboard
we all cheered with joy
until we all heard the sound of a security guard running towards us
we all ran as fast as we could
laughing so hard it echoed throughout the hallways in a bubbly toon
after we ran out the building
with no sign of the security guard behind
we stopped in our tracks and catch our breaths while sweat ran down our faces
I looked up at my friend
she still had her ex’s name plate in her hand
she did a slight chuckle and did a big shout to the sky we all shouted glee and laughed until we lost our voices
then we all went our separate ways

I don’t know what my friend was going to do with that name plate
she’ll probably burn it or maybe chuck it over a cliff somewhere
but I know that on that day
we all felt infinite

It’s been so long y’know
since I saw your face up close
to be honest I think I’m starting to forget what you look like day after day
but I’m still going to keep the good part of you inside me
In the beginning of our bond
you knew that you were a bad person and I only ended up realizing that little by little overtime
I tried my hardest to help you become a better person
and now you’re gone
not from this world
but from my world
you left me in a trance filled with questions of why I was never enough for you to change
My mind has become so numb now
my heart is still aching for answers
to a person who wants nothing to do with me anymore
so with a heavy heart
and a numb mind
I came to a conclusion that you don’t miss me
but I do miss you