Lonely is just an understatement.
And saying that it's an understatement just sounds like an exaggeration, but I'm so serious.
What's even worse, is the fact that I have absolutely no reason to feel so lonely.
I know that so many people love me!
I know that I have so many reasons to be happy, but I just can't convince the part of me that thinks it's all a lie.
My mind makes me so exhausted!
Why can't I see myself as others do?
Why can't I love myself?
As I'm sitting here in my bed, I can't help but feel like I'm drowning!
I want the loneliness to go away!
Please go away!

Today I felt a sense of Euphoria that I shouldn't want to feel
A pleasurable feeling that will only haunt me
This brain inside my skull is sick
This brain inside my skull is terrified
This brain inside my skull does not want to get better
Not today
Not tomorrow
But maybe the next day
As I was walking down the sidewalk
Heading to my next class
I noticed that feeling
That Euphoria in my head
I kept having to pull my black jeans up past my waist
Normally I would have to
But today I had to hold them as I walked
They kept slipping to the very spot that I wish to feel my hip bones
It made me feel. . .so. . .good. . .

I hate food!
Noodles,
Fruits,
Vegetables,
Sweets,
Chips,
Meats,
I hate it all!
I don't want to eat any of it!
I don't want to chew it!
I don't want to swallow it!
I DON'T WANT IT!
I don't like the way I look and I swear on everything I'll change that!
If I have to starve, awesome I'll do that!
If I have to make myself *****, I'll do it!
If I have to work out until I've passed out, I will!
I don't want to gain any more weight!
I'm tired of being fat!
I'm tired of not looking cute in anything I wear!
I'm tired of crying myself to sleep because I feel so bad after eating!
AND I'M SO TIRED OF PEOPLE STARING AT ME!
I GET IT!
I'M FAT!
Stop reminding me!
I hate me more than you ever could, so just stop!
Doctors told me that I was too fat to have a problem with food!
DOCTORS!
Why God, did you have to make me this way?
I'm not pretty!
People cringe when they see me!
I can't even eat in front of my best friends anymore without my eyes tearing up!
WHY!
I want to love myself, but I can't!
I can't because I'm too fat!
I want to be pretty
Like all these other girls I see!
I want to be able to share clothes with my friends
Instead of turning bright red when they offer to trade, but remember my size!
I want to be cold
Instead of being so fat that I'm always hot!
I want to be able to eat without judgment
Instead of eating a piece of my birthday cake and staring around the room just knowing someone is watching me!
I will do anything at this point to not gain weight!
NO ONE KNOWS WHAT GOES THROUGH MY HEAD!
NO ONE KNOWS WHAT I HEAR ALL DAY LONG!
NO ONE KNOWS!

11:47 pm
13 minutes away from the next day
13 minutes away until it is no longer my birthday
Aren't birthdays supposed to be meaniful?
November 11th 2013 was the best day of life
Until it wasn't
I told him "see you later" when I should've said "goodbye"
I told him I loved him
Even when he refused to eat cake with us
My dad
He lost his life May 1st 2014
He had a heart attack and knew he was going
I was in school
In a different city
Not allowed to call him
And why would I, when I had nothing to call him for
May 2nd
My mother got her rights taken away
My dad was supposed to show up
But didn't
My mother told me he was sleeping when I knew better
I knew he wasn't sleeping and he wouldn't purposely not come to see me
He loved me
November 11th for the years to follow meant nothing
I always thought about that last "see you later"
I hated myself so much
I didn't get to say goodbye
As he laid their in miserable pain
With a wife that stole his prescription pills
With a wife who forgot about her children
With a wife that will to this day curse his name
November 11th 2019
This year I felt as though my day had been ruined
Little did I know
It was quite the opposite
Dinner
A hot beverage
A devo
Songs
And even a surprise cookie cake
I struggled while eating because I felt like I was putting on a show
I struggled with that cookie cake because I already had 1,470 calories the day before and my head was telling me that I must make up for what I had eaten
But it was my birthday

Smile!
Everyone is staring at you. . .again.