Smile!
Everyone is staring at you. . .again.

I chew gum to make the anxiety vanish
The panic instantly comes back the second I think about the whole 5 calories this gum in my mouth has. . .
Spits out gum
I also chew gum to stop the hunger pains, or at least I pretend that the hunger pains go away. . .
Spits out gum
I no longer feel interrupted when asked to share the gum in the small zipper pocket of my backpack. . .
I have become the gum giver.

I'm broken inside like a mirror
Every small piece showing a different distorted story
I'm broken like a dropped ceramic bowl
Pieces so small they'll never be found
Until you step on them
Feeling every small fragment of your emotions piercing your soul
With uncontrollable anger you run
Pushing the pain deeper and deeper
Until you're satisfied with it being concealed
Then you explode
This pain is just too unbearable
This pain won't stay where it was created
This pain left scars
Not the ones I gave myself
But the ones I didn't ask for
The ones I didn't deserve
The ones that left me sad
This sadness is a mixture of natural disasters
A tornado of feelings thrown around
A hurricane with a facade that things get better until they don't
Looking around I see perfection
Looking at myself I see a monster
I see self-hatred
I see her
The girl that just wants to be pretty
The girl that just wants to be skinny
The girl that just wants to be held
The girl that just wants to be herself
Society's pressure is crushing her slowly
Her body is no longer a temple
It is ruins
Ruins of helplessness
Ruins of confusion
Ruins of I-don't-care-anymore
Her eyes ever changing like evergreen
Her eyes that sting from toxic tears
Her eyes that people love
Her smile that changes every mood
Her smile that no longer shines
Her smile disappears
She laughs at the word recovery
She mocks every letter
She hates food
Just as much as herself
She only feels full when she's empty
She's accomplished if she didn't finish
Skip one meal
Okay
Skip two
Fine
But skip all three and someone will know
Her secret is no longer a secret
She is exposed
She has to hide now
To protect her beloved relapse
Ew
Relapse
A word your therapist never wants to hear
Because now they actually have to help you
A word that begs for treatment
A word that begs for attention
She's a queen of a fallen thrown
Overtaken by the King himself
The man who calls himself ED
ED thinks he controls me
And I'm almost fully convinced that he has won
He has all the control
As I plead no more
His power gets stronger and stronger
While I become weaker and weaker
Simply shattered
Like that mirror that is still broken
The mirror that sees my pain
The mirror that I hate so much
But is ironically the only one I trust
That mirror must see beauty somewhere within me
I am just not looking quite clear enough to see her shining
Shining with unique beauty
Beauty that comes purely from inside
My spirit that burns brighter than any social media screen
The screen that has monopolized my mind
The screen that taught me to hate myself
The screen that reflects that broken mirror
Destroyed by me

I'm broken.
I'm weak.
I'm sad.
I'm angry.
I'm asamed.

I can't stand to hear or watch someone *****,
but I'll ***** if it means my stomach doesn't absorb food.

Thin!
Skinny!
Thin!
Skinny!
Thin!
Skinny!

THAT'S ALL I HEAR!