Not gonna lie, I've been having a hard time.
Gonna be another night coping through life with a rhyme.
It's how I provide zest and flavor with a squeeze of lime.
About to be, twenty three, but still don't feel I've reached my prime.
The growing process never ends, always here to hear but it's always hard for me to find an ear that'll lend time when I'm not fine.
It just falls in line, with the proper arrangement of events.
Looking back I never wonder where the tick tocks went.
This is me, cuz I needed to release, like the cool air from a vent.
Reaching out to some seemed like ill moments spent.
Yet, the care was there, no denying or trying to prevent.
I love you all, but don't you see?
I'm just tired of all the superficiality.
We grow to infinity, we are souls of divinity,
Connectivity replenishes me, but these times
Make me realize it comes from more than just people.
The nature of everything gets me higher than those churches' steeples.
Aerial view, seeing perspectives askew.
My only problem is not knowing exactly what to do.
I have so much to prove, and I'm not one to lose
So many substances have been used, my body's abused.
But I am here alive, seeing the new,
and it was based on every choice I decided to choose.
So I'll draw sunshine, even when feeling blue.
In a bout with doubt, taking a higher route
True in that I'm here for you,
But I need a special kind of rain,
from a special wave's spout,
And proper sparks in my brain
That'll bring about life in this drought.

Something big is going to happen. I've felt this way for awhile. It is beyond any single human, and affects the entirety of the planet as we know it. We have been taken for fools for too long but we, my friends, have power in numbers. More and more I see that there are so many of us, "conspiracy nuts," who are only delving down these roads to better the world...to save the world. I've seen the growth of love within myself, as well as all of you who are awake, more than ever before. We are far more powerful than they give us credit for, for, we have eyedeas..which cannot be tortured, erased, or fall to an unfortunate overdose. Do not fear, but also do not abandon hope. We must ride high on our own energy.. our collective energy, which also, cannot be destroyed. We must spend this energy wisely. We must follow our intuition, against all opposition until the perceived end. Whether we see it with our physical eyes or not, the positive changes we believe in are coming..

If you're not living it already, it's time to be the change, and stand up for what you know in your heart to be true. Not what your mind tells you, silence it. Not what the media tells you, press the power button, recycle the papers. We must learn to see how we are all connected, and there are those who will stop at nothing for personal power. I want what's best for all, and what has gone on for countless years has only dampened our spirits and kept us in line, distracted.

Get out of bed, it's time to wake up.

Just when I feel everything seems to be coming together, I take a step back. What do I really funking want? The college idea sounds promising, and I'd be going to learn more about music and advance in that respect. Great. I've been paying on debts for a long time now. I don't mind having little money, but I've literally been working just to pay off school. I've been chiseling away at it, and if I jump to this new school, that amount I owe increases exponentially. Yet, after that 3-year contract, I will have a degree. That degree will help me make money to pay off said debts and then maybe let me live a comfortable life, but right now I don't even know if I am comfortable with the idea. I look at all that I could do in this world (that doesn't require pieces of paper {money/degrees} to assure someone that I am worth something) and I almost feel it'd be more satisfying. I am here on this Earth, to help people. I know this. I would be happy being a nomad, (as I pretty much have been) poor, bringing light into peoples' lives that money can't buy. I moved away to better myself, and I'm growing everyday, but I feel maybe I could be taking myself away from my purpose. I have far too much on my mind to be content with surviving within the confines that we are set to live in to be "successful." The American dream sounds wonderful, but it only exists when we find true happiness. I'm not certain that any one institution or career will give me the peace that I get from the help that I try to provide. I want to be a part of so many movements, I want what's right for the entirety of the planet, but I'm not sure that I would be accomplishing that. I want to grow spiritually, first and foremost, and help others heal and grow too. It makes me uncomfortable to be pushed into such heavy obligation decision making processes if I don't even know if it will make me happy. Of course, this stems from me being unhappy in the present moment, but there has to be a reason for all this.

I think part of this is, I am not simply here, to help myself. I have so much care invested into the universe and all living things that I can't simply focus on myself. I have to be out there, here, India, anywhere, helping. Helping people helps me. Before I really wanted to be a musician, at a young age I wanted to be the person that talks to others as they lay on a couch so I can help them get through emotional and spiritual barriers, to beat their demons and grow to infinity and beyond. But I always feel like there is far more that I could be doing. I've never really felt anything I've done was ever enough, so maybe this is my way of protecting myself and others from let downs. I gleamed with excitement, just hours ago. Only to realize that, I don't know. The only promise I feel we have and can make, is that we're here now. Maybe sometimes we aren't though, because part of what some of us live in is a self-induced fantasy. I'm blessed for all I've been through, and all I have...yet I seem to have, grown weary of a path that has presented itself. When I know what's right, I will go full speed ahead putting all of me into it. There's this thing we made up called time though, it's those measurements that hurt, and can create panic. I live for moments, but in this moment I am at a loss.

A wonderful person very recently asked me, what my biggest fear is, and I couldn't give a definitive answer for her, but ultimately I guess it's not leaving my mark enough. Ego aside, I am here to make this place better for all of humanity, and I don't know if these choices will aid in that, especially since we can't even guarantee tomorrow. Maybe not knowing is the beauty of it all, but maybe this is exactly what I needed right now.

In this moment I will call it a midlife crisis. I can say that too, because no one knows how much "time" we have.

I'm out of here though, spending time and money. I hope whatever course you take, that you're happy...truly. I care about all of you, and will be there when you need me, in this existence or the next. I have much excitement for what's beyond the world we know...but this current one, currently is tearing me in multiple directions, as it has before. I know I will be okay and find my way. My mind was just too heavy, to keep to myself this time.

"I've found myself fall into madness so I dove, the best thing I ever did was let go.."

Let your life, flow, freely without fear of current situations or the future. Trust, trust in the universe to show you exactly what you need. Risks, take risks to prevent what-ifs. This, here, now, the present of a present...be aware of it.. the sounds, sights, as well as how you feel. Always take the time to check in with yourself because your soul already knows the right answer. Patience, know that through the trials will come a new life, springing beautifully from what was. There, you'll find bliss.. Only if you believe it. No coincidences, there is no such thing. Everything happens for a reason, from the smallest of occasions to the biggest of situations. We can learn from it all if we choose to. Mostly though, learn to love, yourself. Only then can it spread like a deliberate wildfire, boosting the universal consciousness higher. Sit with the self from time to time and be silent. Eventually, your mind begins to speak in ways that stray from self-defeat. It needs to be silenced before you can shine with all you have to give and be the best form of you, that you never thought was even possible.

Have a wonderful day! Namaste~