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Sep 2013
Just when I feel everything seems to be coming together, I take a step back. What do I really funking want? The college idea sounds promising, and I'd be going to learn more about music and advance in that respect. Great. I've been paying on debts for a long time now. I don't mind having little money, but I've literally been working just to pay off school. I've been chiseling away at it, and if I jump to this new school, that amount I owe increases exponentially. Yet, after that 3-year contract, I will have a degree. That degree will help me make money to pay off said debts and then maybe let me live a comfortable life, but right now I don't even know if I am comfortable with the idea. I look at all that I could do in this world (that doesn't require pieces of paper {money/degrees} to assure someone that I am worth something) and I almost feel it'd be more satisfying. I am here on this Earth, to help people. I know this. I would be happy being a nomad, (as I pretty much have been) poor, bringing light into peoples' lives that money can't buy. I moved away to better myself, and I'm growing everyday, but I feel maybe I could be taking myself away from my purpose. I have far too much on my mind to be content with surviving within the confines that we are set to live in to be "successful." The American dream sounds wonderful, but it only exists when we find true happiness. I'm not certain that any one institution or career will give me the peace that I get from the help that I try to provide. I want to be a part of so many movements, I want what's right for the entirety of the planet, but I'm not sure that I would be accomplishing that. I want to grow spiritually, first and foremost, and help others heal and grow too. It makes me uncomfortable to be pushed into such heavy obligation decision making processes if I don't even know if it will make me happy. Of course, this stems from me being unhappy in the present moment, but there has to be a reason for all this.

I think part of this is, I am not simply here, to help myself. I have so much care invested into the universe and all living things that I can't simply focus on myself. I have to be out there, here, India, anywhere, helping. Helping people helps me. Before I really wanted to be a musician, at a young age I wanted to be the person that talks to others as they lay on a couch so I can help them get through emotional and spiritual barriers, to beat their demons and grow to infinity and beyond. But I always feel like there is far more that I could be doing. I've never really felt anything I've done was ever enough, so maybe this is my way of protecting myself and others from let downs. I gleamed with excitement, just hours ago. Only to realize that, I don't know. The only promise I feel we have and can make, is that we're here now. Maybe sometimes we aren't though, because part of what some of us live in is a self-induced fantasy. I'm blessed for all I've been through, and all I have...yet I seem to have, grown weary of a path that has presented itself. When I know what's right, I will go full speed ahead putting all of me into it. There's this thing we made up called time though, it's those measurements that hurt, and can create panic. I live for moments, but in this moment I am at a loss.

A wonderful person very recently asked me, what my biggest fear is, and I couldn't give a definitive answer for her, but ultimately I guess it's not leaving my mark enough. Ego aside, I am here to make this place better for all of humanity, and I don't know if these choices will aid in that, especially since we can't even guarantee tomorrow. Maybe not knowing is the beauty of it all, but maybe this is exactly what I needed right now.

In this moment I will call it a midlife crisis. I can say that too, because no one knows how much "time" we have.

I'm out of here though, spending time and money. I hope whatever course you take, that you're happy...truly. I care about all of you, and will be there when you need me, in this existence or the next. I have much excitement for what's beyond the world we know...but this current one, currently is tearing me in multiple directions, as it has before. I know I will be okay and find my way. My mind was just too heavy, to keep to myself this time.
Written by
   Emma and Nat Lipstadt
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