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144 · May 2018
end.
Dev May 2018
I lay myself down
pills in my hand
time ticking, echoing, reverberating
through my head

this thought i cannot shake
no matter how hard i try
the need for it to end
the want for me to try

but somehow i always manage
to talk myself down
I'll walk back from the station
bare feet bleeding from the ground

Occasionally I'll wish so hard
for something tragic to just strike
like a car tumbling over me
to rid me of my misery

and yet i have this very tradition
every couple of nights
where i lay down with my oxycodone
in bed and i just cry

I don't think I'm depressed
I know its not my anxiety
Anxiety is just a word to me
And depression is but a sound.

I continually ask a question
Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
and though i ask my councellors
I've never received a straight reply.




So why?

Why do i always want it to just end?


Surely I don't hate myself that much
144 · Jun 2018
***[{og}]***
Dev Jun 2018
She only listens to vintage radios, spinning her discs on an antique stereo. She only buys her clothes from a certified thrift store, she eats fake meat, what it’s made of? She’s not sure. She only says vague and wise things, like she’s walking around in a fog. She tells anyone one who’ll listen about her aesthetic ideas for her tumblr blog. She never wears shoes because it’s natural to bare your feet. She smells like hippy incense to everyone she meets. She doesn’t eat, but she drinks by the litre. Her legs are so long we measure them by the metre. She’s this she’s that she’s all I’ll ever need. At least I’ll never have to feel like I’m filled with greed. Because there’s one of her  everywhere, what once was OG now means NOTHING TO ME.
You’re not original, you’re not unique, you’re not you.
144 · Mar 2018
Lonely Girl
Dev Mar 2018
At first glance,
It's a mirror.
I, on one side,
she, on the other.

But as you peer closer,
and over the sink,
you'll start to realise
it's not what you think.

She is so graceful,
carefully crafted.
She would never think so,
but then, she's a *******.

She takes off her shoes,
Just to walk on broken glass
And sometimes she decides
To stick her head up her ***.

She's beautiful and sweet,
Don't get me wrong,
Cause even after all this time,
She's my favorite song.

She complex and odd,
And so completely normal
It's hard to think
She could be so casual, and yet so formal.

And I know my timings off,
But I really gotta say
She the most wonderful person I know,
At least, as of today.

She's caring and sweet,
But she can be a huge *****,
But don't you worry, if you're unravelling,
She's the stitch.

She's calm and collected,
With warm eyes and a cold smile
Have I mentioned she's a contradiction?
But she's worth the while.

But just make sure
That you look underneath,
Cause she hides in there,
It's her relief.

Part the curtains of jet black hair,
Dodge the freckle bullets, you're nearly there.
Wipe off her mask with the back of your hand,
And there, just a lonely girl stands.

And lonely girl is
still so lovely,
She doesn't fuss much,
She's completely motherly.

Inside imperfect girl,
Right there, within
Is why she's imperfect
Call it her original sin.
Ok it's 3 am and the point kind of got away from me. The heart of this piece is that, lonely girl maybe lonely, but her kindness and compassion comes from that one thing that no one sees, because more often than not, no one cares enough. But I see, and I care so take that!
143 · Oct 2018
Untitled
Dev Oct 2018
I want you to love
me, more than I even know
to love my own self
143 · Mar 2018
Colour
Dev Mar 2018

colour.

COLOUR.

Your hair is gold,
Your eyes are blue,
There are too many colours
Inside of you.

Your shirt is white,
Your heart is green.
You play at nice,
You aren't what you seem.

Your energy is purple,
But puffy and black
You make me feel safe
With a silver lining wrap.

And what is left,
But those red hands to hold?
Well I've a fear you won't use
Those 'til you're old
Sometimes I have to roast him a little, it's too easy
143 · Aug 2018
Price tag
Dev Aug 2018
if there’s a price tag on my heart
I guess it’s set too steep
I’ve often made a round at the auctions
Only to end and weep
For I think that perhaps the quality
Of the goods underwhelms for the price
When for half as costly you’d have a *****
Who looks about twice as nice.
And perhaps that is my problem,
That if they’re beautiful they must be a *****
Maybe I like myself so little,
That to like any other is a chore.
And maybe the price on my heart shouldn’t be set at all
Maybe I should be the one
With my heart, in love to fall.
“Learn to love yourself before anyone else can”
143 · Feb 2019
Untitled
Dev Feb 2019
if you were here,

          would you be disappointed?
Who am I kidding, ofc you would be
143 · Apr 2018
Miss You
Dev Apr 2018
I wanted to talk to you today
It was sad and funny
I already miss you
and I know you'll read this

I walked into a rose bush,
And now I have scars that match you on my leg and arm
It just reminded me
That I really do miss you.

Maybe you're relieved in a sense, like I am
That we're not lying to each other anymore
And despite the many, many flaws of our friendship
I hope you do miss me.

I got some bad news the other day,
I saw a meme too
And I almost, almost slipped up
Because I so very much miss you

But please, remember like I am trying to
Space is what we need
Low expectations, easy to manage
Even if I miss you

If you need me, I'm here
I'm so not used to having to say that to you
But I need you to understand
You don't have to miss me,

'Cos I'll already be there for you.
I just want you to know I'm always here, even if we're not talking.

No matter what.
Dev May 2018
I spent two hours on google
trying to figure out exactly what shade eyes you had
and funnily enough,
none of them were quite as beautiful as the real deal.
Should I start titling my poems normally?







...maybe...
142 · May 2018
Only in these moments
Dev May 2018
Dragging your hand up my thigh,
Stopping before it becomes indecent,
A sideways glance to you, and yep.
You’re wearing a sly smile.

I continue to type, and watch my show,
While you’re putting one on for the lads across the room.
Stop it I whisper
You couldn’t care less

Your head hits my shoulder,
Our hands intertwined,
Just one of mine sits there lonely

I long to put the other one atop yours, to stroke your cheek.
But that would turn a friend into something else entirely,
We’re not ready for that yet..

Only in these moments,
I feel like there’s more.
Only in these moments,
I love you.
142 · Apr 2018
help me
Dev Apr 2018
help me
for I am drowning in your eyes
and you have yet
to offer me a lifeline
142 · Jun 2019
envy
Dev Jun 2019
I envy the sea for it's voluptuous waves
and curvaceous ways

I envy the trees for their strong willed stand
and armour clad hands

I envy the land for for it's flattened fertile soil
and growth of which is nought from toil

I envy the world for being perfect as it was
especially before humanity laid to rest in it.
141 · Feb 2020
Attraction
Dev Feb 2020
Attraction is a wonderful thing
Butterflies in a tsunami of stomach acid
Bubbling, rising,
Until you realise
who are you attracting?
And why do they want you?
And how when you have worked so ******* yourself,
Do you still attract
Men of poorer taste.


I thought attraction would be different
With my ever changing body
With my bones that jut out like a perfectly carved statue
But I forgot
No matter where I go
It follows me
And haunts me
Creeping up when I least expect it.
I thought it had left me,
But that voice still whispers
Harsher and harsher truths



"If you were prettier, maybe he would have showered"

"If you were skinnier, maybe you'd attract a good guy"

If you were beautiful


Maybe someone nice



Would be attracted to you
141 · Jun 2018
Untitled
Dev Jun 2018
You cry so hard
for someone you
barely know,
it's kind of sad.
You weren't
even really
good friends,
but his words
hit you bad.
It doesn't
really matter
now, what
you think of
yourself.
You're still
crying over
the thoughts
of
someone else.
140 · Feb 2020
soft
Dev Feb 2020
soft smiles and hugs
are you a friend?
are you a foe?
are you nothing but
a kind face, kind soul?
who are you?

How could I not see you before?







Why can't I unsee you now?
Dev May 2018
it happened again



and i have to wonder why




i willingly let you in




when all you do is hurt me
139 · Oct 2018
Untitled
Dev Oct 2018
Maybe if I stay in bed
and never get up
maybe then I can pretend
that who i am is enough
137 · Mar 2018
XII
Dev Mar 2018
XII
I wish when I was younger
I had the sense to enjoy the simplicities
of having everything taken care of for you.

And at 17 nearly, I realise how hypocritical this is.
In no time at all, I'll refer to these years
much the same
i just wanna eat, sleep, and play
137 · Mar 2018
I'm running low
Dev Mar 2018

I think I've used up all my


C R E A T I V I T Y


and now I'm left to die of


B O R I N G N E S S
-
136 · Feb 2020
Blind
Dev Feb 2020
Make me hate you,
make me date you,
make me love you, baby
'till I'm blind

Even though I ******* loathe you,
make me wanna

make you mine
The hook of a new song I'm working on :P
136 · Feb 2019
I'm okay, promise.
Dev Feb 2019
I have almost successfully untethered myself from society
Become a recluse, a hermit
I tell myself I'm happy this way
Like this no one can hurt me
Or my imaginary heart.
That I'm okay
Speaking to my only real friend every now and again
By texting
I'm okay being alone.
I'm okay with this
It's all fine.
I'm becoming detached
From reality
And it's fine.
Let's do something together later.
Don't worry, I'll forget about it.
Sometimes I forget the day.
Sometimes I forget the year
My memories get mixed up with the present.
A foggy, hazy blend of incoherent snapshots of my past
Thinking I have plans for dates that have been and gone
Cancelled.
I was "sick"
But I'm okay.
I swear.
I'd stop doing it if I wanted to.
If I was smart.
I wish that I hadn't let all my friends go, I wish it wasn't so hard to talk to them, but when I do I always want to cry. It's my fault, and it shouldn't be so hard. Maybe when I'm 4 months older it'll be easier ;)
135 · Jun 2018
How do you say it?
Dev Jun 2018
How do you say
I like you
without coming off as immature

How do you say
I love you
Without feeling oh so sure

How do you say
I want you
If she’s the one that you desire

How do you say
I need you
If your need for her is dire

How do you say
Come back, please
Without coming off as weak

How do you say
I’m sorry
Without havoc being wreaked

How do you say
I love you
And not have her run

How do you say
I like you
And still manage to get some
*da doong tchhhhhhhh*
Dev Sep 2018
A cold metal stick
held between floor and ceiling
I twirl and I trick
it's a fecking great feeling
And everytime I say
that i dance on a pole
everyone stares
"the fat girl playing a ***** role"
But it doesn't matter
cause for those 60 minutes
I feel like I'm flying
like i have no limits
And it's the one time a week
that I truly like myself
and I can look in the mirror
all confident in myself
I guess what I'm saying
is don't put me down
for loving myself
Cos I'm not losing my crown
Not yet anyways.
I hung upside down today and I was so impressed/proud/soreeeeeee :D
It's time we put the negative connotations associated with pole dancing to rest - it's great exercise, fantastic for body confidence, and overall makes you feel great about yourself
135 · Aug 2019
because it never works
Dev Aug 2019
I will never be able to unwrite my words,
unspeak the truth,
or unsee you.
I cannot help but overflow when you are nearby
happiness, anger, sadness spilling out of me
breaking down my walls.
I tell you more secrets than my own best friend
though they are ridiculous
and yet
you drive me mad
and stir up anger
so I lock myself away
and lash out

because I'm aware of how this works
because I know what this feels like
because I've done this before.
135 · Mar 2018
decision
Dev Mar 2018
Decisions are hard.
Are you going to be a teacher?
A musician?
A planner?

Now tell me,
right now
On the cusp of either
losing or gaining everything

Make a decision.

Leave school
or
Take a job

Now, make a choice
Not even on the cusp of adulthood
and making adult decisions
Choose.

Now.

What will you do?
One minute, Uni.
Next VCE
Next VCAL
Next TAFE
Next a job
Next a business
Next...
















n o t h i n g

-
135 · Sep 2018
lonely
Dev Sep 2018
between you and me
I never wanted to be this lonely
I wanted tradition,
like a fairytale

instead im stuck swiping left and right
134 · Sep 2018
uGhHhHh
Dev Sep 2018
I miss her in a thousand ways that I could not explain
But I can tell she doesn't miss me, from a thousand different ways.

The most obvious of all being that she no longer cares for my attention, rather finds comfort in a boys arms now.

It's a little bit ironic.
I'm a lil lonely.
I miss her a lot.
But if she cared, she would show me.
She would reply to my messages.
Or even just read them.
133 · Jun 2018
lifetime
Dev Jun 2018
Let's write a story
of you and I,
and all the things
we whisper at night

Our hopes and dreams
the castle we'll own
when we leave this town
to make it on our own

The jobs we'll have
the people we'll meet
the shop we'll own
on an odd and quirky street

You'll be the chef,
I'll be the waitress,
I'll let you be the boss sometime
if I'm feeling so gracious

Then a few years pass by
all is going well
Out of the blue you're on one knee
Enchanting me with your spell.

The wedding is oh so beautiful
sending guests home in awe
After the honeymoon,
the emotions are still so raw

We save and we save
till we're blue in the face
Till we buy our first home
filled with gorgeous green landscape

And then we'll have kids
no gender preffered
They'll grow up surrounded
By love and and kindly words

And they'll write their own story
with someone special they meet
They'll start a brand new book,
the journeys all they need

I'll spend the rest of mine with you
till I'm fresh out of ink
because this life will pass you by
within a simple blink.
133 · Dec 2018
Untitled
Dev Dec 2018
i miss when things were simple
and i had everyone else to blame for my wrong doings but myself.
now there's no one else left to blame
except the girl in the mirror
133 · Mar 2018
Anticipation
Dev Mar 2018
I can barely breathe
The anticipation
The words unspoken
In a moment of silence

I want to be more to you


-
He's taken over my nights now too
132 · Apr 2018
Scotch
Dev Apr 2018
I swear to all buggery hell.
You are the strong stuff.
You are the drink they serve
To kids just turned 18

Their first drink 'cause they were good
You are the top shelf scotch.

You are hard to stomach
you burn, you hurt.
You bring tears to my eyes
as I tell myself I enjoy you.

In small doses at least

I'll tell myself
'This is enough. I'm done'
Then I will head straight to you
'Pour me another glass.'

You let me make awful decisions,
hell, you make them for me
The only reason I'm still around
is 'cause you can get me hammered

I suppose that you are a good listener
And you're as transparent as they come
So I guess I'll keep you around.
Cause though it hurts, you're real fun.
Ever had that friend that is just so hard to be around, but has their moments where they're alright?

Compare them to an alcoholic beverage that they HATE.
I'm sure they'll appreciate it.
132 · Jun 2018
fight
Dev Jun 2018
Your fist barricades me,
Seals the wound I’ve ripped open
You whisper gently
You want to help me.

Your help is not needed, not wanted
I only wished to show you inside
But you sucker punched me
And I stand here

Keeled over,
Wheezing and winded

Eyes glazed over,
You won’t go down without a fight
Even when it’s not your battle,
You send your horses in.

It’s increasingly harder to distinguish
The enemy shades from the ally hues
Blue and red                       becomes purple
I can’t tell what colour you’re wearing any more

Or whether I’m hurting myself

Or you
132 · Jun 2018
Polaroid
Dev Jun 2018
Smiling
faces
in a
Forced
“Candid”
Polaroid.

I keep
You
In my
wallet.
Immortalised
At 16
Years
Old.
132 · Oct 2018
walking on a wire
Dev Oct 2018
I'm walking on a wire
trying not to fall
because right below me
is a great big gaping hole

one misstep and its all done
I'll ruin my whole life
one misstep and I'll be gone
just another diminished light

I gingerly move my feet, so slow
and refuse to look down
I pretend that this great height is low
And wear my smile like a clown

And everyone around me cheers
they think I'm having fun
And they could never see these tears
in the end, I'm just really dumb.
wire/tightrope
131 · Jan 2019
pink
Dev Jan 2019
It's almost as if
I change like my hair
131 · Jul 2018
-
Dev Jul 2018
-
I am a failure.
A waste of sacred space.
Biological material that would've
been better spent on
something or
someone else.
A failure.
A dissapointment
and I'm used to being such because
the oxygen thats given to me
for free
is no longer wanted.
instead I breathe
anger
and sadness.
and frustration.
I rarely move from my bed.
As i write this all down,
there's an incessant pound
of the thoughts blocking up
my head.
I haven't seen daylight since Saturday.
My mother demands to know if I'm okay
and I'm not
I'm really ******* not.
but this voice in my head whispers
and whispers.
I'm a failure.
A waste of sacred space.
Biological material that would've
been better spent on
something or
someone else.
A failure.
A burden.
these thoughts swim round in my head
that I'm better off dead
or at least they could be happier
if I was.
Then i wouldn't have to make sure
i was smiling every single second
so my friends could spend less time
bothering about me
and more time
being drama queens.
Then I wouldn't be pushed to the point where i was honest
and annoyed them
because who the hell likes to hear about your mentality?
not me.
Id rather spend my days sleeping the sadness away.
because
I'm a failure.
A waste of sacred space.
Biological material that would've
been better spent on
something or
someone else.
A failure.
131 · Jun 2018
Music
Dev Jun 2018
I live and
I breathe
music
It is my
soul
The very essence  
of my being
The main ingredient
To tie together
A lifetime
Of madness.



It is the
Warm blooded warrior
That destroys my
Depression
The
Agile archer
That
Annihilates anxiety




The only
Way to
Save me
From myself
Is to lose
Myself
In it’s
bittersweet
symphony
Until the
Coda finally
Ends
130 · Jun 2018
.SOS.
Dev Jun 2018
Lately, I find you in the most astounding things,
I find you in my music, in the songs you’ve shown me, or that remind me of you.
I find you in my poetry, both romantic and dreary.
I find you in my artwork, the ones that you’ve made me or I’ve bought.
I find you in the people I meet, who say things that remind me of us, of you.
I find you in my twinkle lights at 1 am, flickering away at my heart,
Sending a series of morse code only the two of us might understand.
SOS
I’m drowning in the reminders of you.
I find you everywhere
129 · Oct 2018
White noise
Dev Oct 2018
I have nothing left in me


I am just white noise walking
128 · Mar 2018
Rabbit Hole
Dev Mar 2018

I have fallen too far down the rabbit hole,
And I am afraid to look up.
Because I can already see their spiteful faces
Sneering and spitting out venom laced words

We knew you weren't good enough

I am too far gone down the track
And I am too riddled with guilt to stop.
Because I can hear them screaming,
Crying out, pleading with me

I wish you'd just be good enough

I have travelled too deep into this dark, lush forest
And I cannot see it for it's trees anymore
Because all I know is
I have to be good enough.

No matter what

-
I don't think I'll ever be able to truly see the forest for the trees, what a silly phrase :-)
128 · Mar 2018
I
Dev Mar 2018
I
I heard him, that day.
He said He loved She,
Over and Over.

Over and Over,
I told She,
I do not love him

Over and Over.
She and I have never told the other a lie
Until that small but impactful half truth.

I do not love He,
I adore him,
Worship him with every fibre of my being.

When He smiles,
He sets free caged birds and butterflies.
He sets free the clutter of  my heart.

When She left, She locked his heart
and He threw away the key.
The silence hung heavy and low forever.

Since then, I have not seen He smile
I sit here in wait, for He to find the key
and obtain his freedom yet again.

To set free the clutter of my heart
Reckon I can find more pronouns to continue this sad series.
theres always They, Him, Her, Them, Us, You, etc.... ugh
127 · Aug 2019
Easy
Dev Aug 2019
Shivering and shaking
Hands grasping for you desperately
I know that you're toxic
I know that you're poision
I know you can hurt me
But I inhale your body
And exhale your scent
My fingers sting with every touch
My chest aches when you are gone
But the temptation of you overtakes me
The ease I feel when you light me aflame
Its too easy
Too easy to breathe you in
127 · Aug 2018
~~~~~~~{i r o n i c}~~~~~~~
Dev Aug 2018
It's always the timing.

                    like the seconds slipping
    
                                            through our fingers

                                                                      actually mean anything.


It's never the right time for you.
Take it slowly, move with grace
hope to god she wont end up
******* his.....face off.

'Don't cry too much'

                               Don't worry,

                                                  I'm laughing.



This toxic love has gone on too long
And now its simply ironic.
You were the one to confront me years ago
and I rejected you.

And now I find myself
wanting to confront you
despite knowing
you'll reject me.
and now when i finally figure it all out, you want him. At this point im a broken record
127 · Apr 2018
Rock bottom
Dev Apr 2018
Dark dark dark
    Melt my brain away
           I don't want to think
                   I don't even want to

                                                               feel

I want to be numb
   I want to be completely
      Drained of all colour and light
            Let me be empty



I want to be a husk of a human
    The only thing to warm me, a whiskey neat
         I want my blood to run like ice
             And my heart to stop




I want to know how it feels to well and truly
                          hit rock bottom



I want you to stop trying to fix me
     I am broken
         And who the hell cares
                 Just go live your happiness



I'll be here still, strummin my guitar
127 · Mar 2018
XI
Dev Mar 2018
XI
It's a shame that I started to realise all my imperfections

when you came along
126 · Aug 2018
Is this living?
Dev Aug 2018
My chest rises and falls
And I'm painfully aware
that I am living.
But I ask you,
Is it called living
when the air you breathe
the very substance that keeps you alive
twists and twirls and takes
your breath away.
Ironic isn't it?
Is it really living
when the food you eat
the very substance that keeps you alive
is your greatest enemy in times of anger,
but fiercest ally in times of sadness?
Truly, ironic.
And is it really living
when the happiness you make,
the only thing actually keeping you here, alive.
Is it really living if it's all a lie?
Dev Jun 2018
help.
it's my seventeenth birthday today
what shall I wear?
do i even care?
i'd just like to stay in bed.

Help.
It's my seventeenth birthday today
Now I'll dress up
And put on all my makeup.
And try to forget the dread.

Help!
It's my 17th birthday today.
She said I have to mature
Like a grown up, I'm sure.
But I can't let it go to my head.

help.
its my seventeenth birthday today
i dont want to party,
or pretend to be smart
I just want to stay in bed.
wrote this a couple days ago and forgot to post woops
125 · Oct 2018
Untitled
Dev Oct 2018
My heart is fragile
i attach to easily
so when he promises little things
and doesn't keep them
it stings too much
and
i cant bear to feel pain
when his name is attached to it
124 · Aug 2019
Cravings
Dev Aug 2019
I crave attention
Like a starving dog
Lost without its owner
I guess.

I crave love
Like a lost romantic
In a sea of tinder and swiping
I suppose.

I crave people
Like a lonely planet
Missing all its own moons
I think.

I don't crave you.
Im not lost without you.
I don't miss you

And I don't care anymore.
123 · Jun 2019
Untitled
Dev Jun 2019
The clock is ticking in my room
it's ticking so loud I can hear the seconds shaking
the minutes breaking, and the hours waking.
It screams at me to fall asleep but I cannot
Or I will not
Who will ever be able to tell the difference?
I lie here still, pinching loose skin
pulling and prodding
stretching, and scratching
I want it gone.
I toss and I turn,
Unable to sleep
Unable to wake.
I sew my eyes shut, ever so gently
and pretend to dream
I dream of myself, in the most ideal world
I dream of life in a different world
I see thin girls in bikinis prancing,
I see attractive couples, holding hands, dancing
I see myself looking in a mirror,
and smiling, inwardly and outwardly.
I see myself being happy
As I think about everything,
for the thousandth time tonight
one single thing clicks within me

I don't hate my life,
I just hate myself.
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