Maybe I deserve this.
Maybe I am the overlooked one
And maybe I ****** up the whole dynamic
I wasn't supposed to be the stoner
The smoker
The "borderline alcoholic"
I wasn't supposed to **** away my money
Or drop out
I was supposed to finish things
Because I'm smarter and I'm supposed to have learned from your mistakes mistakes, mistakes.
I'd you're worried about him then fine.
He's a drug addict and always has been
But lucky him hes invincible and smart and hell sober up well in time before he starts something that will ruin him.
The first one is going fine, he's got a stable job, and life, and ego.
Second one is the fixer, same **** and less ego. He'll pick us all up when we fall.
Maybe you do see what I'm trying and failing to hide
And you talk and worry about me like you talk and worry about them.
But why do I get the short end of the stick?
The one who truly ****** up you leave alone
Yet its me you scream at
Its me you can't seem to cut a break
I don't know what to do
I keep trying to ask for help
I'm just so ******* lost
So instead I turn to this newly acquired taste of liqour and nicotine
To dull this incessant noise in my head
And it ******* helps more than you do.

I'm drowning myself,
Anchoring myself to the bottom of the sea.
I've tethered myself to misery, and I could easily slip from the rope
I could easily free myself from the shipwreck of my life
But I'll just take the easy path
And tighten the knot
No longer straining to be free,
Rather yearning to be another lost soul
Sleeping with the fishes

I crave attention
Like a starving dog
Lost without its owner
I guess.

I crave love
Like a lost romantic
In a sea of tinder and swiping
I suppose.

I crave people
Like a lonely planet
Missing all its own moons
I think.

I don't crave you.
Im not lost without you.
I don't miss you

And I don't care anymore.

-
"When I grow up, I want to grow a garden. It will be the best garden ever! It will have lots of animals for me to play with! It will have flowers, and grass, and lots and lots of vegetables. Because the animals like to eat vegetables, you can't eat flowers!"

•Sleeping silently, seducing the snakes.•

•Weeping quietly for all of God's sakes•

•I know there's calories out there, I could get them easily too•

•but we all know that •








•you can't eat flowers for food•
-

I envy the sea for it's voluptuous waves
and curvaceous ways

I envy the trees for their strong willed stand
and armour clad hands

I envy the land for for it's flattened fertile soil
and growth of which is nought from toil

I envy the world for being perfect as it was
especially before humanity laid to rest in it.

You once asked me if I could ever describe you in four words, what they would be.
I finally figured it out.
"control c, control v"

Tip toe across the floor,
And slyly creep to the open door.
Slither through and don't turn around
Cos if you do,

they'll put you in the ground.

Walking in like you own the place,
Like you're the only one in the room.
Of course, you have a gorgeous face
Just watch me act like a buffoon.
You're a muso, just like I am.
But twice as good and sure
Maybe I might come to like you
Maybe...
you'll be more.

It's almost as if
I change like my hair

You get angry and sad,
complain that I'm not
the perfect daughter,
all hope must be lost.
I don't have a clean bedroom,
I don't always jump
to fix things for you
when you're in a slump.
I stay home too much,
but you don't like it when I go out.
So how am I supposed to win?
You keep knocking me down.
But before you get angry,
remember I bailed you out.
For all of my losses,
you owe me money now.

Please don't ask me how I'm feeling
lest I honestly reply,
pave way for fear with danger near
earnestly waiting for the sky
to cave in on me
and send me down
this rabbit hole of doubt
and god forbid I honestly reply
You'll have let the dogs out.

I want to cry, and scream, and yell.
I want to complain, and raise all hell.
I don't want to sit and be complacent,
I want to be free, see the bar and raise it.
I want to feel better, be better, see better,
I just want it all to be better.
I thought that it would and that I'd glide with ease
I really thought i wouldn't get cold feet.
I know now that I can never commit,
that life and it's friends is something i omit.
But give me some peace as I cry and complain
as in real life, it'd never be the same.

Who is to say
that I will ever be happy
Like shedding pounds
and downsizing gowns
is the secret thats been kept from me all along.
Like eating air
and taking care
of my hair
is important.

And yeah, I know I'm destroying myself.
And I know that if I get where i wanna be,
I probably still won't be happy.

But at least let me deceive you into thinking
that I actually believe the opposite,
cos it's easy to lie to myself
It's harder to lie to you.

Some people say change comes from within
that if you want to change, you will.
Some people say that change
comes with the rain.
That we don't have a choice in the matter,
that mother nature decides when, where, and how
we wash away who we were
and replace it with an entirely new
picture.
I feel as though I'm at the whim of
something I don't even understand.
That nothing is ever the same for
two mornings.
my days are like snowflakes,
completely unique of each other,
yet my evenings are always the same.
I'm never who I was,
and I'm always becoming.
Waiting for that moment where I find
"The Real Me(TM)"
The rain is coming,
and there's no where to run,
so again my little chalk outline is washed away,
to be replaced again with
a new picture.

My heart is fragile
i attach to easily
so when he promises little things
and doesn't keep them
it stings too much
and
i cant bear to feel pain
when his name is attached to it

I finally reached what I like to call
"A mini goal" today.
It's not something completely important
it's not life changing
it's no milestone,
but it's a tiny step towards one
And it really is a shame
that I still can't bring myself to feel proud
because I know I'm destroying myself
in the process
of trying to fix myself

It's a funny thing,
plucking four little strings
stringing together harmonies.
when all your life is but
frantic chaos
you learn to appreciate calm melodies.

Sometimes I feel so much
I force myself to cry
Excuse myself from time with my friends
So they don't see the little pieces die
I hide away, shut out the pain
and pour out all these tears
I smash the wall with angry fists
and relinquish all my fears
"And what if I cry too much
and my skin becomes too dry?
I've held onto too many emotions again
even though I really tried"
I tried so hard to control myself
I tried not to overdo it
but in the end, tears always win
And I'll never see through it.
I wish for a day when I could keep it at bay
keep these tears all tucked away
but for now I'll force myself
to cry it all away.

If I opened up right now
to show you all my insides
no weak stomachs, no censors
just who i am
it'd make you *****
just like it makes me
and maybe you could stomach it
but even strong, tough people
can get sick when someone coughs on them
who's to say that my personality isn't contagious
that my thoughts aren't contagious
that I'm not contagious
I should just quarantine myself
so that you don't catch me



there's too much going round already