when one door closes
it doesn't all the way
it is cracked open
in case you want me to
come in and stay
for now I can peek in
and see straight through
to the inner version of you
you can put on a mask
and play the part
but you're the same
as you always were
and until we push it closed
I'll peer into
the door of truth and
she will be the one who's fooled

Why am I so scared?
When will I be able to be who I really am?
Will I ever be accepted into society?

Its come to everything that's more broken,
and potently its not only the world,
that makes one lessen their self esteem.

Don't be fooled by:
My smile so bright.
My laughter so loud.
The shine in my eyes you say you like.

Because, my spirit is muted.
And my soul is feeling nothing but cold, alone and forlorn.

When I tell you that I am exhausted
I am not over exaggerating
I really am exhausted
I work, run errands, spend time with my family
but that isn't what exhausts me
I live with a disorder that has no respect for me whatsoever
When it creeps up on me
it is unexpected
It wraps it's arms around my neck so tightly that I can't even breathe
When it happens no one knows it is happening except for me
Sometimes the invisible strangulation goes on for hours
Try being in the middle of work when that happens
Try typing on the computer
Try serving drinks
Try cleaning a room with someone's arms wrapped around your neck
not letting you breathe and with every attempt to ignore it
the strangulation gets tighter
What is scary is that it's mental and emotional
I can't do anything about this physically
so I fight the feeling with my mind which is needed for other things
I can't do because the strangulation has my minds full attention
When it finally ends I am left wanting to fall to my knees
and cough until I can catch my breath
If you have ever thought you were drowning
and you struggled to keep you head above actual water
think of the terror you felt
think of the tiredness you felt when you were out of the water
Times that feeling by 100 and that is what if feels like to live with depression

I live with a roommate who doesn't understand the word space
This roommate is at my work
It follows me to my friend's house
It hovers over me at family get together's
It sleeps with me in bed and accompanies me in the shower
I have named it Annoying because that is what it is
The other day Annoying followed me to a job interview
During the interview Annoying had me so nervous
I was physically shaking and the man interviewing me
would not stop looking at me funny
I was so embarrassed
When I left the interview I walked to the bowling alley
to meet up with my mom and grandma
As I watched my grandma bowl
Annoying sat next to me telling me in my ear how everyone at the bowling alley
was judging me and thinking I was a loser
After bowling the three of us went out to lunch
Seeing all of those people in the restaurant made me want to throw up
It took everything in me to swallow what was coming up
I did it so fast that the swallowing hurt
but I did not want to worry mom and grandma
so I put on a smile and pretended that I was okay
Try hanging out with your friends at a party
Your favorite song is playing
You want to dance
Everyone wants to say hello and give you a hug but
you can't hug anyone because Annoying won't let you
Instead Annoying punches you so hard in the stomach
you have to run to the bathroom to throw up
You're so humiliated and upset
but there is nothing you can do because Annoying is not a person
Anxiety has no face

“I have lived my entire life
without breaking a single bone
and yet somehow none
of them could protect me
from splintering my soul–
somewhere along the way,
I became reckless and sharp,
shattered and dark,
somewhere along the way
I gave up on you and baby
I gave up on myself too.”

— The only angel I had fell through the clouds