You're more sweet than the ice cream you scoop.

You're more rich than the milkshakes you make.

You're cooler than the tie-dye shirt you have to wear.

You're on my mind more than the store is busy on a spring afternoon.

The night after you spend in my bed
I always find myself
sleeping
wherever you did
as opposed to my normal spot.
Because It still smells like you.
So tonight I'll dream of the day
when
"One night"
Becomes
"The rest of our lives."

This week has been great;
I will keep the streak going.
I am in control.

I'm starting to dismiss
the thought of marriage
with the woman I love.
Not because my feelings are dying
But because I feel like the harder I try
The harder she'll push me away.
So I'll pretend not to care
I'll pretend I'm not hurt
Because I love her so much her happiness comes first.
This time, I'm putting myself on the back burner.

You needn't worry;
For I am here.

To

rub your back
And
kiss your fingers.

To

Brush your hair
And
Make your dinner.

You needn't worry;
For I am here.

to
hear your thoughts
And
Clear your mind.

To
Hold your hand
And
Wipe your tears.

You need not worry, my dear;
For I am here

To
Watch you fight your battles
And
Lift your spirits.

You needn't worry;
For I am here.

You needn't worry;
For I am here.

songs you listen to
scream what my heart's been saying.
Will you notice me

There are days when it seems the world feels smaller,
Maybe, I'm being overly self-conscious.
Probably.
Today, I have to pack my ****.
I'm moving back home,
I'm not ready to be alone.
Yet, here I sit.
At the same spot I wrote "All children make mistakes"
This will either be a "part two" maybe just another "Untitled"
I'm throwing back two shots of whisky
And putting the empty bottle in my pocket.
I know I'm a good poet,
I know at some point I've written something someone could relate to.
Maybe even saved a life.
I'll never know,
I don't think I want to.
Growing up I always wanted to be like the people who saved me,
Develope some ability to stop someone from...
Well, let's face it. I'm scared of the word.
It's like it has the ability to turn from letters into a rope slipping up my leg,
A snake in the grass
And tie itself around my neck and lead me like cattle.
I'm strong
I'm strong
I'm...
I'm just a ****** up kid
in a twenty year old's body.
Ive realized that the pressure that comes with saving a life is overwhelming,
Too much for little 'ole me.
"I'm not like the rest."
I am.
I know I am.
My depression is bad.
Real bad.
I'm scared it'll rip you away like a scab,
You'll tear the scar tissue and be freed
While I'm left with a hole, bleeding.
My now ex-roommates
keep asking me if I'm okay.
Nah, I'm not.
I'm so lost.
Happy with things, honestly.
It all kinda worked out.
I'm just lost.
And I wanted to talk to you about it on our walk.
But, you wanted to be with your friends.
It's okay though. I'll just pack my **** in a bit and when you ask if I'm okay,
I'll pretend I didn't write this.
Not to spite you,
But because I'll have pushed it into the box of negativity that everyone calls a heart.
Well, metaphorically.

I find myself without you, once again.
This time really does feel like the end.
I warned myself to know what to do,
I told myself I would know.
I'm more aware of what is going on now that I've calmed myself.
I'm at the spot
where I told you How my head works.
I'm at the spot where we tossed rocks into the water.
Somewhere passed the spot
we played pooh sticks.
Only I'm not happy.
Only there is no laughing
Only there is no you.
My chest feels tight.
My chest feels like im having a cramp.
No matter how I contort myself I can't make the pain stop.
I miss you.
God I ******* miss you.
Getting off work has never felt so meaningless.
Skating towards your apartment never felt so pointless.
Passing it hurt so much.
Not that you care, all I am is stress anyway.

am I really worth anything?
If the bridges I've burned looking for myself could be rebuilt, would there be a home to return to? I don't know whether or not I'm going to be okay.

Today for the first time in a very long time I went to a memorial.
To me, memorials are very special.
They are time capsules
Links to men and women I'll never know,
Who's faces I'll never see
Who's stories I'll never hear in their voice.
That's what they are.  
For the men who lost their lives on December, 7, 1941
They put your name on a wall.
I've shed tears for each of you.
I don't know why but coming to read your names,
It felt as if destiny played a hand.
Perhaps in a past life I was one of you.
But in this life I'm a coward and I could never live up to your expectations.
I'll come back.
I'll come back to each of you.
To my Mecca

I don't know what to call this purgatory,
Because things are tense
But we aren't fighting.
If I push too hard to get to the bottom of things it'll be a fight.
But as of right now,
It's just empty awkwardness.

Here I sit,
at a sushi restaurant,
Alone.
Thinking of the disgust on your
face at seeing me.
Here I sit,
Thinking about everything I planned on saying to you
As I handed you the 12 daisies,
your third favorite flower.
Here I sit,
Regretting,
Aching,
Lost in a tunnel of self loathing
Here I sit,
Thinking on the words I said as I Handed you the flowers
"Trash em, burn em, I don't care"
I didn't mean that.
I didn't.
Here I sit
Here I sit.

We sat I. The swing again, the swing that has had many a bottom placed upon it and chit chatted as we have before. This time I felt more like the swing. So close to a person yet completely unnoticed. I felt the metal grinding against metal indicating it was probably time for some wd-40. It's kind of how I feel about my life right now. I feel myself trying really hard to be happy and I feel myself getting there. But like ball bearings without grease I am starting to lose my luster and keeping myself moving is really just too much to ask.

To the Hawaiians,
the turtle
represents long life.
The necklace pressed to my chest feels like it's mocking me
Telling me to live
When I wish I was dead.

I have always had a fear of heights.
I was reckless when i was young
skirting the edge of my fear while laughing
I never knew where it came from
It's still here as an adult but I think I figured out why
I always knew that falling was bad
Off a stool down the stairs
out of bed
I always knew falling was bad.
Today,
I think I know why the small child that built me
Hated heights
I wanted to jump
If it hurt enough everything would stop hurting
that fear of falling is still bad
But it's the fear of falling not because I want to plummet
But because i want to stay grounded
its still fear but because for the first time it's self preservation

The world is so peaceful these days,
Maybe it's just me,
Maybe because I'm not wandering aimlessly through downtown San Diego,
I don't really know.
This town is so small.
I don't dislike it,
But I'm far from liking it enough to stay.
I know this complacency stems from you.
I will uproot this bud and transplant it 2572 miles South-West.
Maybe then I won't feel like I'm going to start to love this small town, too, soon.

I feel an immense amount of pressure
It's overbearing
It's scary
My anxiety rises.
When I trend.
So many people see my thoughts
I feel naked and exposed

It's not fair, really.
I'm sorry
I can't stop the unending anxiety
It's not even your fault.
It's hers.
Much like those face books posts,
Damaged women who can't trust
The "crazy" women who refuse to trust.
I'm the same.
She killed the steadfast trust I used to have.
I'm a groundhog.
I poke my head out
scatter at the first sign of trouble
And hole up inside my head all alone.
I'm sorry.
I have these hard days
I have these days where it's hard to trust.
It's not your fault but you're stuck with me.
I'm trying so hard to change.
I'm a cat.
I thrive off of the affection of my person.
I'm skittish.
When I'm scared
I try and make myself look bigger.
This isn't me.
This isn't who I want to be
I wish I could take a knife
Stab this anxiety
Strangle these trust issues.
Free myself to love you without a single fear.
I'll keep dragging my feet
I'll keep checking my phone.
I hope you're having fun.
I hope I can relax today.
I'll keep my fears silent.
And
I'll work at trusting you more
I'm sorry I have these days of weakness.
It's not your fault.
I'm a guppy
In a lake of anxiety sharks
It's feeding time
And here comes their attack.

I love you.
It's so simple to say
Harder to prove
And
That's okay.
I love you.
For the kind soul you have
For the limitless love behind those eyes
For the way you radiate grace.
I love you.
I want to tank you
for helping me bring my brother some peace of mind from a really bad high.
I want to thank you for being by my side to help me keep my cool.

I love you.
So much.
I want to thank you for letting me see when you get grumpy
Or angry
Upset
Disheartened.
Being let in by you is an honor.
I want to thank you for loving the beaten, broken man I was.
I want to thank you for helping me stand when I'm too drunk.
Or
When I'm so emotionally distraught that I collapse.
I love you.
I am truly
Truly
Thankful for you.
Thankful for your patience
Thankful for your forgiveness
Thankful that there is an us.
Thank you.

Silly, you fell asleep with your make up on again.

Here I sit, admiring you, it's one A.m.

My laundry tumbles

I stumble over my words

as I gaze longingly upon you.

My flower, in full bloom

My mid day sun

My full moon

My love

Perhaps soon I can fall asleep

But knowing these are the last hours I'll see you for a week

I'm sure I'll be up stroking your cheek and chin.

I'll feel as if my hearts back home

And my body's on vacation.

I love you so much

I love you

I love

*you

It's not my place to care who you end up with.
It's not my place to get hung up on it.
It's not my place.
But I hate him.
I hate him more every time you say his name.
But if it happens I'll be less than surprised.

I just deleted all the photos of us, you and some of the things we did off of my Instagram. I've never felt more hollow.

Life is more fleeting than a snapchat **** when you can't screen shot. Don't waste it trying to be a social media addict.

I'm not stupid.

"You were my peach
You were my plum
You were my earth
You were my sun."
You were my stick of my favorite bubble gum.
I miss you more than I can describe
I miss you.
I miss you.
I'm breaking down again.

I'm hiding from humanity.
I'm sitting outside my house.
I'm waiting for my dad to fall asleep.
I'm going to go inside at the dead of night.
And drink until I'm blind.
I'll pass out and wake up,
Go to work and do it again.

I never thought it'd get to this.
I'm sorry
I am,
I don't want to be apart from you
There's a lot I want
But this is what I need
When I can look at you without the warped image created by the indescribable amount of love I have for you.
I might reach out to you.
You're so quick to think that you're always right.
You are a lot of the time.
You ditched me because of convenience.
"I am not one to be stood up"
You said that.
I'm learning to live it.
You can now mind your business and not have to worry about my troubles.
You're on your own now.
I don't hate you.
I'm in love with you still
And cutting you off from my in depth thoughts
Is in its own right self harm
It hurts
I'm hurting
But that's okay to you because they aren't cuts on my sleeve right

Waking up next to you
Is a cliché,
A dream come true.

Drinking 'till we're sleepy
Is so much fun,
I hope that we do it again

I know you know I love you
You know I know you feel the same

Let's hold our love together
And from others lets abstain.

No one gives a ****.
The only reason they'll care when I **** myself is because of the fact, they'll realize I needed them the night before, ******* scratch that. The months before. Outside of that I won't matter till I'm ******* gone.

As I sit in this bathroom stall trying to figure out what I should do next buying a gun and testing my point blank aim is seeming like a very appealing idea.

This place makes me happy
This change is a good one.
This pain in my chest is telling me not to come back
But I know that it's time for me to go.
For the first time I'm listening to my head
While my heart's ripped to shreds.

I never forgot a moment.
I settled comfortably into our love
I was happy by your side
I was ready to build a life
That ended with you as my wife
With a shack in Hawaii
With the possibility of kids
Where we spent the rest of our days
I still smiled until my cheeks ached
I still smile at our memories
I still love you.
I still want you.
I still have days where suicide is all I want.
But I fought it for us and to see what life had to offer.
I wish I had killed myself before we got to this.

I guess I'll go back to bed.
Wake me when the winter ends
Wake me when smiling isn't a chore.
Wake me when you don't want to fight
Wake me up when you can talk to me
Wake me up when I'm not wasting your time.
Or
Just let me sleep forever.
Let me sleep until I decompose
Let me waste
Let me sleep forever
Let me sleep forever
Let me sleep forever
Just **** me
Because
I can't do it on my own anymore.

I'm so very lost
The days of my childhood in the house of God
are coming back to me in
waves as heavy as my baggage
My grandma says to fall to my knees and ask God for guidance
So I'll swallow my pride
Drop to my knees and beg God to bring back the woman I fell in love with
The person you used to be.
I haven't cried this hard in a long time
Work today is going to **** me

I'm okay on my own.
I'm okay all alone.
I'm fine without help
I'll probably **** myself.

This nighttime cough syrup warms my throat the way you would warm my skin.

My friends don't realize;
I don't need advice
I don't need to be alone
I'm not okay.
I'm trying to reach out to them
I'm scared
I'm too suicidal to think straight.
All I want is;
For some one to listen and not speak
To just be there
To get better
To be heard
To have them reach back.
What I'll get is ignored texts and unwanted life advise.
I'm better off alone.
If I stay in my head I won't get hurt.

I am analytical
I am calculating
I am the monster called realism
I am not here to be everyone's friend
I am caring
I am cold
I am ashamed of who I am
I am the beast that feeds on itself
I am terror incarnate

The only God that seems to exist
On the cold these Passing nights
Is the loneliness
I swore it wouldn't drive me to think

I'm not bitter.
But as I lay staring at my ceiling
I wonder what the **** I'm doing
Because I have no clue

Remember when I used to look up fan sounds on YouTube when we slept at your moms house?

Well now I'm looking up videos of soft breathing to try and fall asleep.

Even with the fan it's hard to sleep

personal accountability
Two words
An arT

I'm burning
I'm burning
Excitement
and
Yearning
Positivitly
Concerning
I'm burning
I'm burning.

A lot of **** has been on my mind.
Aside from how much I hate Christmas
I'm focused on making money.
And detoxing
Quiting drinking
Quoting smoking
The fact that I have to end a friendship because she chooses not to respect me, my wishes and our relationship and my girlfriend.
It ***** but that's okay.
But what honestly hurts me the most
Is that, I don't think my girlfriend cares about how I feel.
Sure, last night she talked me through a lot of **** I needed to talk about.
But I feel like I can't talk to her about the way she hurts me sometimes.
She'd never hit me.
She'd never do anything that would make me completely submissive
however
If she feels like she's not in control of her choices she's
obstinate
Unwavering.
I respect it.
It just hurts sometimes.
she talks to her ex boyfriend.
It's not wrong.
Well it wouldn't be if it wasn't the same guy she left me for
The same guy she said
"Well, I just want to see if he's what I want."
And when he wasn't, at least I was still waiting.
The same guy that would lose intresf in her whenever she'd leave me for him.
I'm hurting and my self esteem is **** because of this.
He invited her to go play manhunt and I'm positive had I not been with her that night she would have Humored him at first then gone when she realized it sounded like fun.
The only reason I'm so sure
Is because she told me that she told him next time she'd be down to play.
She thinks "Alex texted me today and tried to make plans but I turned him down so I could be with you"
Or
"I only hug him up for bud"
excuses talking to him.
Man, I feel ******* worthless.
All I know is that I'm over it.
I'm over hearing his name
And knowing he talks to her and she lets it happen
because
Because
Because
Because why?
What makes hearing from him
More important than actually setting me at ease.
Does she not care?
Do I even matter?
I feel like I'm worthless these days
As shallow as it sounds
Making money is the only thing that's helping my self esteem.
I don't even like money.

I hope you're happy.
I hope he makes you smile.
I hope when you have fun it's honest
I hope when you look back you forget I ever exsisted.
You aren't going to be able to stop me from juggling knives anymore.