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Denxai Mcmillon Jul 2015
Something like a shiver,
More of a tremble?
Like my unbelievably shaky hand
as I write this down?
You move me,
Subtly
Or so it may seem.
A shiver is monumental.
My whole body quakes
A tremble can be noticed by onlookers
And making my hand shake,
well, it makes my already poor penmanship worse.
Though It may look that I am;
Composed,
Collected,
Unfazed
And calm.
I'm not.
My heart races at your voice.
My mind melts into ease by your touch.
And I feel lightheaded by the meer utterance of your name.
I'm settling down,
I'm ruffling my feathers once more
And
I'm tucking my beak into my wings.
I've heard ducks mate for life.
You like ducks
And
I like you
I love you
I'm in love with you.
Do me a favor?
Lift the corners of your lips, for me.
Please?
Denxai Mcmillon Aug 2022
Give my father back.
The man I never got to meet
The man before ptsd
The man before deployment
Give me the father that raised my youngest sister
Give me the father I never had

Give me back my brother
The man who walked hours in flipflops
The man before the triggers
The man before basic training
Give me the brother who was full of mobility
Give me the brother I was raised beside

You can have my ******* freedom
If I can have them back
You can have my ******* freedom
Denxai Mcmillon Aug 2015
You're a **** that pukes on the floor
That sheds his fur from door to door
You act like a dog
You play in the fog
but I love you still
You bratty cat
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2017
They say,
"You have a bright future, ahead,"
This, I say, is a lie.
Maybe because
another of my underclassmen
Was arrested
Maybe because the valedictorian,
Of my class,
Dropped out of collage
To further their knowledge of psychedelic drugs.
Perhaps,
It's a broken education system.
Perhaps,
It's the absent parents.
Who knows,
But as of now,
As things are now,
The optimist in me can see
That our futures are all quite grim.
Denxai Mcmillon Sep 2015
I find an unbelievable amount of solace in the fact that he makes you happy.
I also know that I was cut off.
Yes, it hurts.
No, I won't reach out.
I'm setting my sights on California
Nothing else
No one else.
Denxai Mcmillon Oct 2015
I shall cut ties to this ****** town
From the frays of the rope
I'll ignite the flames that burn the bridges.
I'll miss you all
when I think of you from time to time
I'll revisit the place where I used to meet you halfway
Shrug, turn on my heels and return to where I am respected.
Denxai Mcmillon Jan 2016
I offer a helping hand to others
Though fleeting, It brings me joy
I'm so depressed
I can hardly manage a smile
I can hardly manage a heartbeat
I'm falling.
I'm falling victim to my thoughts.
I feel alone
I feel alone.
I feel alone.  
Feeling is so hard these days.
I don't want to fight anymore.
I don't want it to be winter.
I don't want this.
I don't want this.
Save me
Save me
Help
Help
Help me.
Please.
Denxai Mcmillon Dec 2015
I'm not in the mood for writing.
I'm not who I want to be.
That's what's killing me.
I have such high standards
For my own self worth
I've dug my grave far too deep.
And it's starting to rain.
I hope that I can fill this pit with water and pull myself out by the storms end.
For now, I'll be okay feeling worthless.
Denxai Mcmillon Jul 2015
Normally I'd be playing this game as if on auto-pilot.
Normally I'd laugh at you making a joke about my addiction but today is far from normal.
today I I'm playing with hopes of ebbing your absence.
Losing today seems a lot more frustrating that normal.
Denxai Mcmillon Sep 2015
I don't know where to begin,
I listen and listen
When it's my turn to speak,
I'm shut down.
My worries,
My struggles,
No one cares.
No one.
I am mute
I am dumb
I am locked in a box
And inside that box
I'm locked in my head.
Someone save me
Someone listen.
No one will
I'll head to the bottom of the bottle
to quiet the suicidal screams
inside my head.
I'll hug my knees
I'll disappear into another hangover
Denxai Mcmillon Jun 2015
Your words are careless
I feel like you could care no less
Is this really love?
Denxai Mcmillon Mar 2015
When a cat falls for a rabbit
He's unable to see that the rabbit,
Unlike him,
Does not have claws
Teeth made to puncture skin
He does not see that when he plays
He's too rough.
                    
When a rabbit falls for a cat
She does not realize she;
will be unable to stop his play,
Will be hurt though
the cat could never know
She doesn't see that she is the prey

When the cat falls for the rabbit
He doesn't see how much she hurts
Because in his mind they are the same.
There is no excuse for the cat.
But when the rabbit flees
He will realize
that he wasn't the right thing.
Denxai Mcmillon Jul 2021
I’m sick of this endless cycle
Running on empty
While watching my back
I swear I’ve seen this before
But I can’t remember how it ends
I’ll eat myself alive
Trying not to end up dead
I’ll find the path
Just to see my back again
I swear I’ve seen this before
But I can’t remember how it ends

Ouroboros
Denxai Mcmillon Jun 2015
Some of the wildest moments happen in rooms with Christmas lights as lamps.
I've been to some rad parties
I've chilled with the coolest of cats
Heard some of the most amazing music
Something about the dim lighting of Christmas lights
I suppose, puts me at ease
Denxai Mcmillon Oct 2015
I'm getting to the point where "lost" isn't even close to enough to explain where I am mentally. I know what I need and from now on I have to listen to my head over my heart. More often then not I find myself pacing and I remember how much my ex-fiancées mom hated when I paced or how much it stresses me out. I need to escape. I need an escape from my head and writing seems like it's going to stab me in the hand. My random bursting into tears are happening more often. No one seems to care. Who am I ******* kidding. No one knows. Anyone I feel like I can tell, I can't.  I wish I could stay in my small town. Lead my feet with my chest and walk casually through life. But leading with my head is speeding **** up so ******* much. I had my first really bad panic attack in almost a year at the airport on my way home. I'm not okay because nothing stays the same. My head is an abusive dog owner and my heart is a puppy that can't keep up on the walk. I can't breathe. I'm freaking out again. I'm ignorant and naive.
Denxai Mcmillon Jul 2015
After a long night of being drunk
After a long night of being loud
After a long night partying
I'd like to clamber into bed with you
Not for drunken ***
But to curl into a ball next to you
Taking in all that you are
Your smell
Your warmth
Your love.
After a long night of being dumb with my siblings
After drunkenly sleeping.
I'd like to wake up next to you.
But today,
Today I woke up with;
a headache
A desire to see you
And cold pizza.
That should hold me over until I see you again.
And when I see you I'll tell you about my kid siblings when they drink.
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2017
The horizon appears, so, blue;
The sun, so, warm;
The breeze, so, cool.
Spring is here,
And
Life, today, is no chore.
Denxai Mcmillon Aug 2022
Intersection of me
Who I am
Who I want to be
Who I can connect
Parts of my heart
Speaking truth of who made me
A poem of weakness
I'm naked when i bring together the parts of my heart
It's who made me
I'm not an individual of particular courage
So, when you meet
Pieces of me
Pieces of me
Come together like polar opposites
Come together like magnets
with ease
for me
Please
Please
come together
I can't do this alone
I need you to meet
So, if it's not in the middle
So, if it's not half way
You'll tear me apart
Come together
For me
Denxai Mcmillon Mar 2017
My mind has kept quiet.
It's an uncomfortable feeling really;
Being comfortable.

I'm mentally stuck in a pattern
Peaceful days
Growing comfortable
My significant other growing bored
Fighting
Losing said significant other
Watching her content with another
Trying to move on
Getting drawn back in.
Falling for her
Repeat.

Here I sit.
Stressed out in the bathroom.
A double tomorrow
Hungry
Irritable

My mind knows where I am.
My heart however;
Lost.
Not missing someone else.
Trying to climb out
Of
the emotional rut.

My heart is stuck thinking
there is a great build
A rising tide
A subtle crescendo
Into a dramatic ******.

I know one isn't coming.
I'm happy one isn't coming.
I'm struggling to cope
with that knowledge

I'm terrified of my own weakness.
I'm tired from work today
And
Honestly,
I'm terrified my heart
is so used to it's rut
That it doesn't want to keep trying
to pull itself out.

I'm at a loss.
Maybe after my shower,
I'll show you this
And
you'll help me
figure some things out as a short term

And

Then,
I'll swallow my pride
And
Really start looking into


Getting the help I really need.
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2015
I never knew,
That meeting you
Would change my heart for good

I tried to hide
To fight the tide
To turn my heart to wood

Wished I did
That God would bid
That Staying here, you should

I wished too soon
Your heart he'd swoon
And here I am with the coulds
Thought I'd play with rhyme
Denxai Mcmillon Nov 2021
Concrete
Barrier between seed and sky.
A wall blocking the path of least resistance
Yet here we are
Pressing,
pushing
and
eventually,
eventually
passing
Not all beauty is plastered in flowers.
Some beauty is in our simple appearance on the side under the sky
Denxai Mcmillon May 2015
When will I get to cry my "tears of joy"?
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2015
You're a caffeine high that never ends.
An anxiety attack on its rise.
You're water on my winter sidewalk.
This all sounds bad,
It's not.
It's just you have a way of making my heart race
My hands shake and head spin
And I keep slipping deeper in love.
Denxai Mcmillon Sep 2016
I sit thumbs over my iPods key board
On a bus to work
Thinking back with a feeling;
Longing?
Nostalgia?
Regret?
What is this?
A question with no answer?
Or
A question with many?
Is death's grip on reality
as strong as I perceive?
I remember sitting in your class
I remember thinking endlessly,
"How do I overcome this anger"
When I learned of your death,
I was at home,
Packing,
Planning my escape to the west coast.
Where Summer becomes Fall
And
Fall never ends until Summer's return.

I'm not sure what day it was,
I'm not sure I want to remember.
No, I know I don't.
It's approaching a year.

I regret not seeing you more.
The indefinite absence of you
Has me thinking a lot.

About mortality
About spirituality
About what I can call progress.

Losing you is but growing pains.
Losing you is but life
Losing you is unfair
To the lost sheep you'll never guide
To the path of self worth.
In your place I'll do my best.
But I don't know if my heart is capable of unconditional love
Like yours for your students was.
Denxai Mcmillon Dec 2016
I'm doing something
Something I never thought I would be.
I'm laying in bed  
my first love with me once more

we're mostly quiet
We're listening to the music
The music we used to aleviate the pain
Of our break up

It's odd.
Very odd.
However, I don't mind
Denxai Mcmillon Jan 2016
Being an inconvience to the ones you do truly love.
Denxai Mcmillon Sep 2015
With enough time and pressure they say coal becomes diamond.
Too bad I'm not coal
I'm under the pressure of time
And a lot of time has passed
So, it's a shame I'm not coal.
Denxai Mcmillon Sep 2015
I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't know how to cope.
I don't have anyone who actually cares.
I don't have the will to fight.
I don't have the energy to argue
I don't want to live anymore
I don't want to live anymore
I don't have the will to fake my smile
I don't want this anymore
I  don't want to live anymore
Denxai Mcmillon Mar 2015
There's a time and place for everything
I wonder if the caffeine headache at 3 am had a reason.
I know I spoke my mind and I know that I've hurt you a scar darker than the others. I told you that I'm going out of my way to fall out of love. Did you think I'd wait forever? I've been looking for God in all the wrong places. I don't know, maybe you were some test from the fates. All I know is I've closed a door and I hope with everything I have you think I'm worth chasing.
Denxai Mcmillon Mar 2015
I feed myself caffeine
So my heart's beating
matches the speed
it would be if you were still here.
It's not as if I always think like this,
but
some days were like the last days of us, with ups and downs.
I look for the upsides to everything
but
at the end of the day,
everyday,
like the falling of the sun
so does my mood.
I don't cry anymore.
I just sit;
vacant,
absent,
distraught.
I never new,
How could I know
that losing you would do this.
Then again,
I never thought.
Denxai Mcmillon Mar 2015
There was a day somewhere along the lines
where you and I
became a belated goodbye.

I can't say i didn't see it coming,
I was getting angry every day, though i couldn't see it.
It's as my father once told me when i asked about my mother
Or
what i think he'd have said if i had the courage to ask,
"It never really goes away, the hurt."
"The pain of losing someone you loved."
All you can do is mark it,
The day when the love died.
Remember what the days looked like
When in love becomes love,
when love becomes friendship,
And friendship becomes *dust
Denxai Mcmillon Sep 2015
All I want is to inspire my siblings


But look at the mess I've become
Denxai Mcmillon Feb 2016
I'm trying my best to plant my feet; stop pushing.
Denxai Mcmillon May 2015
I hope whoever you next "fall for"
Is whatever you're looking for in a partner.
Despite all of this ****, I still want you to be happy.
Denxai Mcmillon Mar 2015
To be honest,
I've always had a fear
Completely etched into my head
The fear of falling,
Not so much literally as figuratively
To fall;
In love,
To the hands of despair,
Apart,
Into a rut in life.
All of these fears have held me back
these days I've developed a new fear
The fear to get back up.
It scares me
Not because It's hard
But because
I'm leaving a part of myself behind.
Denxai Mcmillon Jan 2016
It's weird; being here.
I'm here to support the woman I love.
I'm here willingly and happily
Soon it will be my turn
Soon I'll be fixing myself
But as of right now the TV plays pbs shows.
And the old Asian woman sitting across from me has been eyeing me up and down.
Reminding me that back where I was conceived,
I'll never be accepted.
Just like I'll never be accepted in my home country
Denxai Mcmillon Sep 2015
I hate myself more every time your eyes meet mine.
I feel their pressure
I feel your love in your gaze
I feel you trying to let go.
I feel myself trying desperately to help
I feel all these things but I'm numbing myself.
Soon I won't feel anything.
Denxai Mcmillon Feb 2016
I hope I don't wake up.
I really want to die tonight.
I wish I would.
I wish I could be all the things you think I am.
So I could ******* **** myself.
This isn't even poetry anymore.
God I hate that you would be destroyed if I did it.

I wish I could get the okay and swallow thumb tacks.
Denxai Mcmillon Dec 2015
I'm twenty-one, I don't really know what I'm doing.
I have direction, I'm pointed the way I want my life to go.
I know life has its twists and turns, that worries me.
The future is beautiful in black,
So that's what it typically wears.
I don't know what it holds, no one does.
I want to know in all seriousness where all the giant squids are.
Because some days that's how I feel.
I'm a big-*** squid in a very shallow pond.
Most days however, I feel like a cat
If I were an actual cat; what color would I be?
Not that it matters.
I bet I'd be a short-haired cat.
Would my cat eat squid?
How can I break my addiction to anime, caffiene, nicotine, and jumping to conclusions?
What would nine year old me do if he found out that in twelve years his best friend would be the only person he hates?
What do you, the reader, think I am?
Am I man?
Or
Am I beast?
What does she see in me?
Why does it feel like I'm always looking into a mirror after a long hot shower?
You know;
When the glass is covered with condensation,
Why am I so afraid to go back to school?
What do I even want to do?
How can I change the people around me?
How do I keep those I hold dear smiling?
I swear I'm happy; trust that I would never lie about that.
I'm just so lost.
Dr. Pepper tastes so good but it reminds me of my old poetry.
Who knows what will happen in ten years, two days, three hours, fifteen minutes and twenty-six seconds?
More over, who gives a ****?
Perhaps this is just my quarter life crisis.
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2015
The idea of "forever"
Is kind of like
A feather floating on water.
For a long while it'll rest on top of it
Like the spring time water striders.
All the while,
Slowly,
Over time,
The water will swallow each barb  
Until it's pressed flat to the surface,  
Still, it will take longer to disappear.
Akin to the blurred line
When  
Promised forever-mores begin to fade.
There is still hope
To pull the feather away,
Dry it to its former glory,
However,
The gentle current of the water pulls it,
Just out of reach.
All that's left now is to watch
As liquid seeps into the feather's
Hollow shaft and be devoured
Never to resurface.
Denxai Mcmillon Oct 2015
I'm getting to the point where I'm only tired on public transportation
I'm restless at Paige's
I'm desperately looking for a job so I can get away from the "enlightened"
The way it's preached here it would give west burrow baptist a run for their money
My anxiety won't be cured by your zen.
Go **** yourself you hippie poser
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2015
I feel like we're growing further apart,
Myself and the shore, that is.
Maybe,
I'm so disconnected with the mainland
It's all just surface beauty
Whereas the sea
Is empty
Vacant and desolate
But only on the surface
Its beauty,
Much like my own,
Takes effort to see.
You have to be willing to dive
To break the surface tension
Allow yourself to be overcome by it
To see what it has to offer.
People in my life are like ships,
They skim over my empty exterior
Just enough of themselves submerged to be worth keeping around.
They're all looking for their personal ports.
With time will find them.
While they're looking for ports,
I'm looking for someone to dive head-first into my heart.
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2015
Hide the heart's key
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2015
Electricity in passing hands
Denxai Mcmillon Apr 2015
You, are my home.
Denxai Mcmillon Oct 2015
It's bittersweet,
Visiting all the places that make this small town my home.
The sushi place I went with coworkers every Monday.
The parking deck that I lost my virginity in.
The creek I swore to myself I'd one day jump over.
Baker park, where I first did all the flips I know.
It's bittersweet knowing that in a few weeks I'll no longer be here to watch my home town grow.
It's bittersweet
Bittersweet.
Bittersweet.
Denxai Mcmillon Sep 2015
I will prevail over this sadness.
I will pretend I never loved you.
Scratch that
I never did love you.
I've never loved anything.
And I don't hate anyone
I have no feelings for anything.
Whomever said numbness was a fault better look at me.
I'm perfect.
I'm free
Denxai Mcmillon Jun 2015
Tonight is Friday
I'll spend it with my best friends
Pizza and *****.
I'm not a people person.
Denxai Mcmillon Jul 2019
It's been a long time;
The thought of deeper thought.
It's kept me away from this place
for a long time.
Probably,
Too, long
Yet here I am opening my mouth.
Every thought pours from me faster than I can't stop it.
Less venom
Less malice
Less anger.
It's there
It's still there
I fear it
I walk beside it.
I wear it like my brown skin
A testament to who I am.
It's defensive.
It's armor
It's
Disgusting.
I'll shed you like snake skin
I'll push you from my flesh
I no longer need you.
I'll never forget you,
As an old ally turned for
Anger
We are no longer friends.
Be gone
Be gone
Leave me.
In peace.
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