Sunday's the "holy sabbath"
Some wonderful day it is
I must be the worlds most unlucky man
I never get an "easy Sunday"
I'm starting to hate this day of the week

Today at work I dropped a glass
a quiet gasp
followed shortly by the shrill crash of glass on ceramic tile.
As I look at the mess I, myself, made
I saw myself.
Perhaps due to the fact I'm a hopeless romantic with the acute ability to personify everything I touch.
Perhaps because I know that I, too, am a mess.
As I stood swearing under my breath about the cost of the glass and the possibility of management's wrath.
The shards of glass thrown across the floor in a pool of melted ice, and what remained of some dark soda pulled song lyrics into my head

"Why can't a glass speak for its contents"

Because the glass is empty
The glass is simply a vessel.
Am I then a vessel as well?
I hope not.
I hope not.
I swept the glass
and the thoughts
Into a dust pan
And
Threw them away

I never understood God.
Maybe I still don't.
On second thought,
I still don't.
I never understood how anyone
Could follow something they can't see.
Something they don't truly understand.
I'm starting to think God is around.
I'm starting to see the beauty of life
Maybe because I'm at the bottom
Maybe because this winter has been especially hard.
Maybe because I have reason to look to the cosmos.
Who knows.
There isn't a temple I'd set foot in.
But God,
If you're listening.
I'm here.
I need you.
Something beyond other's words
Prove to me things will be okay.

I'm tired of being told I don't care.
I'm tired of the you "know best" mentality.
I grow weary
I get tired.
I'm taking a fist-full of NyQuil
I'll see all the fighting in the morning

For my twenty-first birthday all I want is to drink alone.
I want to sip my sorrow
I want to slip away and walk the streets drunk
I want to sing modern baseball.

People always say close your eyes and picture a "happy place"
It's hard to picture a "happy place" without you.
My first thought is us on my bed while you play video games.
My second; is in your bed, watching you do your make up in the bathroom.
You've weaved yourself into my life
And like noticing a missed stitch when knitting,
I'll always know your there. And I know I can't change how much I love you

From the moment we met I knew that you were someone in which my trust could be placed.
I became yours years later and here I sit smiling
In that hospital room I fell so much more deeply in love.
I became your boyfriend and I really still hold that single moment close to my heart.
Now for the first time I won't see you for a week
I won't breathe you in
I won't hold you
But i know just as I wait
You are too.
I'll see you soon.

Kindly go **** yourself. This is a sanctuary and you are a bunch of demons.

I wouldn't call myself spiritual.
I'm agnostic for the most part
With a lot of atheist anger
It's hard to believe in what I can't see
I can't believe in man either
So call it what you will
I'm a heretic
I'm a sinner
I'm sacrilegious
All I know is that
I am God
And God is alive in all I touch and see
I can not believe in a bearded man in space
But I can believe in myself.
I can believe that I can help
I can believe I can lend an ear
I can lend a hand
I can become the merciful God
That I have always wished was there.
We are all gods with our own reach.
So if there is a real God looking over me,
I'm not sorry.
My body is my temple
And I need not sheep to worship it.
I will worship myself.

To be honest, I've never felt more alone
Sleeping on the floor every night isn't fun
Missing your company, not out of habit,
but out of the fact that I love being with you
I can't cry here, I'll be judged and have my feeling invalidated
I love this city but if home is where your heart is,
Then mine is two-thousand five-hundred-seventy-two miles East
I can't call you while I'm inside the house because I'll be chastised
I heard your voice for the first time in weeks
I sat in the parking lot and cried for an hour.
I'm tempted to buy a ticket home
I'm tempted to give up
I'm tempted but I can't,
I'm tempted but I'm scared.
At this rate, I'll end up dying in this city
At my own hand.

Have you ever looked out at the sea
Really looked,
as if you were looking
for where the next continent might be?
Have you ever been so sad it's as if you may die simply due to the compression of your chest as if your drowning somewhere along the horizon?
I feel as if I'm dying.
I wish I could hear your voice
even if you were yelling at me.
Even if you said you don't miss me
as much as I miss you.
I'm homesick
I'm so homesick.
I miss Frederick
I miss the ****** people
My ****** job
My ****** pay
My room
The clutter
The basement
And I miss your room
The paint on the walls.
The division of your half
And your sisters.
I'm realizing I'm not ready to leave yet
Not nearly as ready as I have claimed.

Please, call me back.

I am no more now than I was then.
I'm still, too, proud to cry before you
I'm still, too, kind when it comes to you
I'm still, too, scared to be without you
But my fatal flaw
That's always been that I could never prove I love you.

I'm tired,
Not sleepy,
Tired.

I'm trying,
Not forcing,
Trying.

i've wished,
And begged,
Notice

I am bitter
I am melancholy
I am jealous
I am sad
I am lost
I am confused

Without the ability to voice it to you

I am in mourning.

Twenty-four minutes seems a lot longer
when I fall into my thoughts of you and how much I miss you.
I know that this time probably,
Probably is the end
so I'm planning ahead;
tonight I'll drink
Take a walk around the neighborhood looking for advise
in the bending of trees
or
search for some romantic depth
in the spot where the streetlights
can no longer illuminate the Road. Tomorrow, I'll be worse than today,
I'll start pretending to be okay.
I can't wait until I have another life
to pass the time
as I dread falling asleep missing you.

With no wind beneath my wings
With no dawn to my night
Hook, line, sinker.
If I'm a shark in a lake too small
Then in the sea, I'd be the shark pulled from the water.
My nativity is all I have.
My blind faith in the future.
I'm taking ten steps forward with a bungie cord tied around my ankles. Who knows what it's tied to.
Who cares?
All I know is that;
Quelling this fear will take more than a quill.
The distilled ***** tastes better with coke.
That ups are counteracted by gravity
And that same gravity will hold me down.
What the **** am I fighting for?

I'm a prime example that no matter how "good" a person seems they could very well be a terrible one.
I molested my best friend
and the person I love,
the person I vowed to protect.
Obviously,
I lost her.
Throw shade
hate me,
come to my house and **** me,
tell me in the comments
how you'd do it.
I don't care.
I know exactly how wrong I was.
It's been three days since
and the words
"Its ******* traumatizing"
are playing through my head whenever I'm alone.
Beyond losing the woman I love,
she told me there's a chance we could be friends again,
I don't deserve it in the slightest.
I know that.
I know
and
I can't stop hoping that is true.
I am worthless.
I am quick to say
treat others with respect.
The hypocrite of the millennia award goes to me.
The world would be a better place
if my skull were to paint the pavement.
Who knows.
The only thing
keeping me from killing myself
is that I promised you I wouldn't.
On the other hand
I've broken one of the most important promises
I've made to you.
So why not break one more?

I'm a bitter,
Self loathing
*******.
I can see why it's hard to love me.
I'm a borderline alcoholic with aspirations of suicide so **** a dream
I'll live in this nightmare
and rub these drunk and sleepy eyes.
I hope you find your stupid ******* puzzle piece.
I'm a diamond in the rough, or so I thought.
I'll swallow the ******* rocks you gave me.
I hope you find whatever makes you happy.
Whilst I sit and wonder why I even tried,
when you never treated me like you loved me.

I'm cold
I mean that literally.
Figuratively, I'm growing cold.
I'm staring at this Christmas tree.
Christmas tree
O,
Christmas tree.
I ******* hate you Christmas tree
It reminds me that I'm from a broken home.
Chances are pretty high I'll spend Christmas alone.
My brother and sisters area state away in a house of their own.
With their mother
With their step father.
My mother will be flying around the world again.
Not that I want to spend this ****** holiday with her.
I don't hate her
I'd just rather not spend a day I'm going to be at the peak of my depression being lectured.
My dad, I don't know what he's going to be up to.
I'll see my fiancé when I can.
She promised that she'd spend Christmas Eve with her and that implied Christmas Day.
I was promptly told I was to be excluded from this.
I'm probably going to drink.
I'm so broken around this time of year.
Because when you spend your least favorite holiday alone  while everyone you know is living life with "Christmas cheer" it makes you want to be dead. What's the point in family holidays when you don't have a family to share it with.
Bottoms up
Happy holidays.

I refuse to cry
Over something I can't stop
I'll just sleep it off

How am I to help
When I can not tell you no
I am so sorry.

I've been left with my thoughts all day
I'm hungry, by choice
I'm sweating
I'm tired
I miss the thought of stopping by before I skate home
I wonder what you're up to.
I wish I could do over yesterday and avoid whatever it was that led us here.
I'm at an utter loss.
You seem ready to move on
But I'll be idling here arms out stretched
Waiting
Wanting
Hopeful.

Cheers to an empty bed

Im okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I love you so ******* much
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I drank too much.
I'm okay
I'm Okay
I'm okay
I can't believe he's so much more important
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I even bought your favorite apple ale
I'm drunk because I drank it all
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm cutting you off because you're hurting me and you don't care
I still love you
I'm hurting more than you'll ever know
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm okay
I'm lying.

I'm too ****** up to walk straight.
I'm ******* faded,
But anytime I can't hear you in ignoring you.
Keep staring at the image of the ****** person I am that you painted.
Next time I'm ****** up I'll make sure I'm alone so then I won't have to worry about making sure you don't misinterpret my drunken actions.
All you do is look for reasons to decide how I feel. I don't know how I can trust that you see anything else.
I won't divide my attention anymore.

I'm happy now
Depression is still hugging me from behind
But
I'm happy now.
Anxiety has tightened its bind
But
I'm happy now.
The stress of work has played with my mind
But
I'm happy now.
I don't have to hide who I talk to or how I feel.
I'm happy now.
I'm happy because I'm free.
I'm happy now.

I speak poetry
With flow
I speak poetry as a release.
I don't see a reason to sell my feelings

The difference in my poetry
and my reality
Is that I write when I'm angry
In reality I'm not as angry as I sound.

Here I sit,
Reminding myself what I am,
A friend.
Some days I forget that.
Some days I pretend it's not real
And some days
I find myself
in the space between sheets of paper.
One labeled "lover"
The other, "friend"
You treat me like a lover,
Until you remember that
I'm just another paranoid thought.
I'm not worth the trouble.
I don't know what you think.
All I want to know is what did I do wrong?
And what am I doing back at my place so early?
I'm still here for you
And
I'm really sorry I forgot my place

I'm swear after this life,
I'll find you again.
I will wait.
Loving you always.

I feel, too, intensely .
I wish I didn't,
I really do
If I didn't feel like this,
than knowing you aren't actually mine
Wouldn't hurt so ******* much.
I wish I could just feel things normally
I wish I could look at you without swooning
I wish I could be in your company without being captivated by you.
I don't dislike how I feel about you,
I dislike how much I wish we were a we.
I can get used to being alone again.
But I can't get used to being this distraught.

You, are like dust that has settled in a fine layer on an undisturbed surface
I am that surface.
There is no breeze in this house,
No pesky humans clearing away clutter
No inward traffic to move you from me.
Nothing has changed
Nothing will change
In a weeks time I'll be flying again
In a weeks time I'll be listening to "maps"
In a weeks time I'll be wishing I'd stayed.
The city I'm leaving for is the only thing waiting for me
But in my head, no one is cleaning
But in my head, no one is wandering
But in my head, memories of you are falling over me like dust.
You are dust
I am your surface.
There is no breeze in this house
No pesky humans clearing away clutter
No inward traffic to move you from me.
You are dust
I am a surface.
I am your surface
so rest here comfortably.

I have found my place.
Where I am celebrated
Where I know I'm loved.

As if a frozen waterfall
Words that should fall won't
I'm holding back
Biting my tongue
Because my words feel meaningless
Everyone makes me feel pointless
Everything leaves me empty
I want to scream
I want to bite the hand that feeds
I want to challenge authority
I want to feel something
Anything.
I'm tired of waking up.
I'm tired of seeing my reflection.
This field that I'm looking out over,
This field in the darkness of night
This field understands
It never asked the wind to rip away its seeds
I feel as if I'm giving you everything I can.
But it's never enough.
I'm an empty room
Nothing to offer
Nothing left
I'm the shell of who everyone loved.
I'm a shell.
No one loves who I am
They never will.
What the **** am I fighting for anyway?

Yeah?
Well how do you think I feel watching you love him?
I wish I could say
I never knew what it was like to be physically ill
When I saw two people together.
I wish I never knew what it was like to be held by you.
I wish that you never spent the time on me.
I gave you my heart just to watch you set it on the ground.
It's killing me to see you with him.
You're happy though
So, I'll just fade to black again.

I'm sitting on the three blankets and pillow, I've been allotted to sleep on.
I'm listening to the song I always do for these mind cleansings
In the background, further still, my roommate talks to her friend; loudly, I might add.
I have a lot on my mind and no one to talk to.
I'm quiet here, anytime I speak I'm generally ignored.
For the most part that's fine.
My anxiety has been really bad as of late.
So has my nicotine addiction.
No matter what I say or do,
I can't pull myself out of this rut.
I've been going on walks
Two days ago, it was three or four miles
Yesterday it was five or six
Today, I walked at least six
I'm not really keeping track.
I'm not letting myself think.
I'm not allowed to.
"You're affecting everyone in the house."
I wonder if you thought about how much that hurt me.
I doubt it.
I'm not wallowing in self pity so much as emptying my head.
I quietly sit,
No one has similar interests as me.
I watch anime when I'm bored
Or sleep.
I think the epitome to how lonely I am here is the playing chess alone.
I haven't had an intelligent conversation
Well, since Ken and I discussed the black hole theories on time slowing and wormholes
A week ago.
I can't joke the way I do without hurting someone's feelings or being too obscene.
I'm lonely
Very lonely.
If this were a game of house,
I'd be the dog.
I want a job so I can move out.
So I can make friends.
I want to go hang out downtown with people who want to talk to me.
Who don't make me feel like **** for getting in my slumps.
I want to be around people who won't tell me that I'm not allowed to be negative
only to immediately counteract that with hypocrisy saying
"only were allowed to be negative."
I'm fluxing between three and four cigarettes a day.
I'm not allowed to wear my safety hat because it's negative
I'm not allowed to listen to "negative" music.
I have more rules here then I did living in my dad's basement.
"The grass is always greener"
Honestly, I knew it would be like this.
It's still better than being emotionally abused.
Well, romantically anyway.
I'm tired.
I'm tired.
Physically
Emotionally
Mentally
And I'm getting fed up.
Honestly,
the only thing that keeps me from commiting suicide right now is seeing an new city.
Not my friends
Just the sites
Everyone back home has forgotten me
Everyone here acts like I'm not.
I don't fit in anywhere.
I'm immersed in my reading, anime and poetry.
No one understands. I ******* hate being inside my head.
I ******* hate this.
I ******* hate me.
But I'll never say a word.
Because if I talk,
I'll be scolded for ******* feeling.

Snow to my hips outside the house
While I do chores
While you sleep.
I watch you quietly for a while.
I watch you rest.
Sleep tight
while I figure out
What I'll do until I'm tired.

I do love you,
More than the taste of your sweat
And the feel of your breath against my neck.

You and I are
Shore and sea
When I press up the banks of your mind taking you in like a lizard takes the sun, I know that we are one.
When I pull away taking what seems like bits of you. I still know we are one.

I let my depression rock like the tides and I'm learning for our sake not to let it. The shore never asked for the tide to pull away and you never asked for me to shut down.

I will grow stonger
so high tide
Never rolls away

Life's realities
Settling like falling snow
Can smother any flame