sunlight streams effortlessly through my window,
the dust and dead skin
floats through the air
creating that ray of light
that we all found to be beautiful,
as kids.
I sit staring,
contemplating
what I can say to take it back
a small part of me hopes you never read this
simply because I want to stay true to my word,
however, a larger
more powerful part of me
is ripping through my head and body, like stars that's got too close to each other
their gravitates and planets collide making a mess of galactic size.
I've eaten once
since I stepped away to try,
To try make my feelings die.
Not by choice
anytime I try and eat I throw up,
then cry
then throw up.
Only once could I keep it down.
I know how I used to be.
I used to hate the thought of being lonely,
now I know,
I know that I have changed
that I'm in love with you.
I don't just miss holding someone,
I miss holding you.
I miss the way your hair smelled
like waffle cones, ice cream and sweat
on the days you worked.
I also miss the days
when I would silently
try and guess what shampoo you used.
I miss how when we cuddled
I didn't have to wear socks
because your feet don't gross me out.
I miss slipping your little fingers in between my slightly bigger ones.
I miss your little frame.
I don't just miss being in the presence of somebody,
I miss the way you made a whole room
feel like that was the only room that mattered,
how any room became increadibly important
when your attention shifted there.
I have never even thought
someone peeing with the door open
While talking to me would be important
To be honest, I still don't.
I want you to *** with the door open and talk to me,
I miss the way it takes you thirty minutes to ***
and five to **** .
I miss the way
you spent twenty minutes after either
playing on your tablet.
I don't want to walk anywhere with anyone at two a.m.
But I'd walk to Chicago and back
if you said you were gonna do it.
I miss walking ever so slightly behind you
I could see the power behind your walk,
the confidence,
I envied and admired it.
And yes occasionally I would look at your ****.
I also love the way you like to be in front
because you have an ever present desire to be in power,
to feel in charge.
I don't care to compliment people
unless I have a motive.
Like I want positive comments at work
so I can get moved to serve
or I want something.
But with you, with you
my compliments were genuine,
innocent even.
I don't want to **** what I feel for you.
Because my love for you,
it's the only beautiful thing I've got.
I really wished I would've ****** it up
accepted that they were more fun than me.
I wish I hadn't let getting bailed on
by the only person I ever truly want to see
hurt so much.
I've told you time and time again,
"I'm not strong".
I know this probably seems less like a poem
and more like
a sad narrative of an impulsive child.
Maybe I'll make that the title.
But I'm in love with you.
I haven't felt this much sorrow before.
I've never been one to erupt into tears,
but I am.
A lot.
Right now
I have a little bit of your perfume
on my turtle necklace
when I habitually put it in my mouth
I have to choke back my tears.
I hope you read this.
I hope you don't.
I wish I could take you out on Saturday.
I wish i wasn't rambling.
I should probably sleep but
when I try and sleep sober
I have nightmares.
I'm looking for reasons to see you again.

Extensive and seemingly endless,
the range of human language
Nor the art of stringing words together like a seemstress of letters,
nothing
Nothing perfectly describes,
in full detail,
the amount of damage per second
dealt to the human spirit
due to the inevitable, heartbreak.
Heartbreak is a truly broad description of the feast of sadness.
For your drink
sip the pain of disappointment.
As for a starter
You get misdirected anger
An entrée of
Vacant thoughts
For desert it has to be
Long term absentness.
Nothing,
nothing at all compares
to this pity filled meal.
Personally, I would rather
Fight a bear bare handed
Catch a horseshoe with my lower jaw
Then be subjected to death by a sadistic firing squad.
But heartbreak is so broad.
  I know I've said it twice.
From the loss of a pet/person
To the spiritually shattered
And the ever present,
Romantic heartbreak.
a Shakespearean tragedy
playing like the fifty year old vhs copy
of Charlotte's web
at the department of motor vehicles.
I whiteness the death of "I love you"
I know I'll miss simple things more than the bigger ones.
Like your hands.
I know I'll miss your hands.
I'd rather smash my fingers one by one with a sledge hammer
than experience
the "thrill" of intertwining
them into anyone else's hand.
I'm an idiot
I'm stupid in love
But if our "fire" died to you,
Know that to me;
Flames creep through me like California wildfires,
With each exhale
I expell the chard remains
of who I was as I grow with you,
With each inhale I feed the fire fresh air and with every step
I leave embers in my wake.
I love you
God, I love you.
I'm not ready to sip from the basin of defeat.
I never will be.
I'll burn until my skin melts
I'll burn until the gravity of my love swallows the world around me
I'll burn until super nova
I'll burn until I implode into a black hole
to keep you by my side