The sea pulls again
With my smile following.
Beautiful rip tides.

ah, I didn't realize,
I shouldn't assume
that I'm the only one
who gets to see
A smile I thought
was meant for me
Haha, it hurts you know.
But that's okay.
I'm still lucky
But so is everyone else.

I remember the jaw dropping moment of you walking into creative writing for the first time.

I remember passing notes daily

I remember the first time we went downtown with our drunkard friend.

I remember sitting in the cold in front of the pond and listening to you ramble.

I remember how happy I was.

I remember how hard I tried to impress you.

I remember it all like it was yesterday.

I remember you going missing from class.

I still remember the stomach churning worry that came with it.

I remember you coming back just to leave again

I remember the years we didn't talk. They were lonely.

I remember seeing you go the first time in forever.

I remember sitting in that swing and holding back tears as I confided in you about how sad I was.

I remember the absence of you again.

I remember sitting at the bus stop talking to you before I had to work.

I remember the night you had a small get together and invited me.

I remember how hard I smiled for the first time in years.

I remember coming over and spending the night with you.

I remember the ****** tension.

I remember laying in bed and inching closer.

I remember how cold your lips were when I kissed you for the first time.

I remember rolling around in bed naked and taking candid pictures of one another.

I remember being officially unofficial.

I remember walking to and fro my house to yours.

I remember you playing guitar.

I remember vaping until we were dizzy.

I remember you getting the text from your ex

I remember losing you to your ex

I remember the devastation.

I remember still seeing you daily.

I remember how awkward it was.

I remember you telling me you wanted to be with me.

I remember then running to meet you half way.

I remember hugging you as if to pull you into my body.

I remember him losing his spot by your side.

I remember fighting.

I remember hating it.

I remember still seeing you and talking things out.

I remember kissing late into the night.

God I remember so much.

I remember going downtown with Dessi.

I remember realizing how deeply I love you.

I remember the pain of missing a night by your side, it's like a bruise on the bottom of my foot.

I remember all the days I spent keeping you company  at work.

I remember getting pulled over with you in the car.

I remember the look of dread.

I remember with no regrets.

I remember your smell from 4500 miles away.

I will remember and cherish every second we spend at one another's side.

And with all these memories behind us in such short time

I know that when I turn my head back to watch my steps I'll see all we have to look foreword to.

From the moment we met I knew that you were someone in which my trust could be placed.
I became yours years later and here I sit smiling
In that hospital room I fell so much more deeply in love.
I became your boyfriend and I really still hold that single moment close to my heart.
Now for the first time I won't see you for a week
I won't breathe you in
I won't hold you
But i know just as I wait
You are too.
I'll see you soon.

Silly, you fell asleep with your make up on again.

Here I sit, admiring you, it's one A.m.

My laundry tumbles

I stumble over my words

as I gaze longingly upon you.

My flower, in full bloom

My mid day sun

My full moon

My love

Perhaps soon I can fall asleep

But knowing these are the last hours I'll see you for a week

I'm sure I'll be up stroking your cheek and chin.

I'll feel as if my hearts back home

And my body's on vacation.

I love you so much

I love you

I love

*you

You're a **** that pukes on the floor
That sheds his fur from door to door
You act like a dog
You play in the fog
but I love you still
You bratty cat

Upon exiting the bus I was surprised to see two brand new books set upon the pavement. I made my way to them and with a chuckle I found two bibles stacked percariously. I walked away from them at first and stopped. Maybe I should take one because, I may not be religious but that doesn't mean I should let these books go unloved.
So here I sit with a bible in my lap and a smile. It may not be with me but I'll help this book find a home faster if I leave it downtown.

After a long night of being drunk
After a long night of being loud
After a long night partying
I'd like to clamber into bed with you
Not for drunken ***
But to curl into a ball next to you
Taking in all that you are
Your smell
Your warmth
Your love.
After a long night of being dumb with my siblings
After drunkenly sleeping.
I'd like to wake up next to you.
But today,
Today I woke up with;
a headache
A desire to see you
And cold pizza.
That should hold me over until I see you again.
And when I see you I'll tell you about my kid siblings when they drink.

I've been left with my thoughts all day
I'm hungry, by choice
I'm sweating
I'm tired
I miss the thought of stopping by before I skate home
I wonder what you're up to.
I wish I could do over yesterday and avoid whatever it was that led us here.
I'm at an utter loss.
You seem ready to move on
But I'll be idling here arms out stretched
Waiting
Wanting
Hopeful.

So begins the three day wait where I'm stuck.
I have three days to survive without a crutch.
Three days to pretend I'm not missing you.
Three days to figure out to wait to finish grand theft auto or wait until we're friends again.  
Three days.

Twenty-four minutes seems a lot longer
when I fall into my thoughts of you and how much I miss you.
I know that this time probably,
Probably is the end
so I'm planning ahead;
tonight I'll drink
Take a walk around the neighborhood looking for advise
in the bending of trees
or
search for some romantic depth
in the spot where the streetlights
can no longer illuminate the Road. Tomorrow, I'll be worse than today,
I'll start pretending to be okay.
I can't wait until I have another life
to pass the time
as I dread falling asleep missing you.

Normally I'd be playing this game as if on auto-pilot.
Normally I'd laugh at you making a joke about my addiction but today is far from normal.
today I I'm playing with hopes of ebbing your absence.
Losing today seems a lot more frustrating that normal.

Sometimes when I think about you I get really sad. I'm sure to you that means we'll never work out and that's a sad ******* thought to me. I've seen it happen those miserable days where I felt more vacant than I should and well, I can tell they're starting over. It's hard, yah know.

Watching you painfully avert your eyes
Feeling you watch me avert mine.
I can't further describe hell any better. I can see it. I know you can, too.
Baby, yes, baby. I love you.

We were a home.
We still are.


I'm hungry. I haven't eaten since we binged last night.
I know you'll get worried.
But just for today.
I'm punishing myself.
I'm sorry that I'm not comfortable in public.
I've been really trying to fix it.

Fears as I contemplate swallowing my pride and giving it and taking the pills that would make me who you want.
I really can't say I'm excited but I'll follow a schedule. For you. For you I'd do anything. I'd become whatever you asked to keep you at my side. You're far from a possession. I've never looked at you as one. Rachel please. Baby please, come back to me.
My arm miss your cool skin.
My chest misses your beautiful hair.

I wish you know what you meant to me. I wish you felt how hurt I am so you knew exactly how much you mean. I haven't cried yet. I'm waiting for tonight when I get off work. I'm gonna go on a walk find somewhere and breakdown and with a stiff drink, I'll cry even harder.
I wonder how you could see me this miserable and think I don't love you.
I would bleed myself dry if you needed to have a body's worth of blood to save you.
I'm so in love with you.
I'm so happy with you.
I'm doing my best to give you the consistency you want.
I'm doing my best to cope with my anxiety.
I know trying not enough to prove I love you.
But how will you know I can change if you aren't there to see how much I can and will change.
Rachel, my love, baby, my dearest love, my best friend. Please.

I'm here I'm waiting and I'm fighting for us. Please don't give up on us, on me. I'll do whatever you want. I'll wash the dishes and make the bed I'll hold you tighter I'll kiss you longer. I love you so much. Please hear my pleas.

You are the warmth that settles at five pm only to slowly grow cold as the sun gives way to the horizon. I love you so much and even through your cold nights, even then I love you.

You are a world of tiny people.
Trillions of large personalities.
Clashing like tectonic plates.
You are the mountains
You are the valleys
You add depth to each life
You show me that with you
Even I, an inhabitant of your life,
Can touch the stars.
You are loved.
You are enough.
You'll always be enough.

It's hard to sleep tonight.
As the recent days have ended with you in my arms.
I couldn't escape this everlasting all-nighter.
Because nothing fits in my arms the way you do.
Nothing rises and falls like your chest.  
Nothing carries the gentle fragrance you have.
Nothing compares to your warmth.
Nothing is you.
And
Without you.
This room has nothing for me.

Don't worry, it's cool

Something like a shiver,
More of a tremble?
Like my unbelievably shaky hand
as I write this down?
You move me,
Subtly
Or so it may seem.
A shiver is monumental.
My whole body quakes
A tremble can be noticed by onlookers
And making my hand shake,
well, it makes my already poor penmanship worse.
Though It may look that I am;
Composed,
Collected,
Unfazed
And calm.
I'm not.
My heart races at your voice.
My mind melts into ease by your touch.
And I feel lightheaded by the meer utterance of your name.
I'm settling down,
I'm ruffling my feathers once more
And
I'm tucking my beak into my wings.
I've heard ducks mate for life.
You like ducks
And
I like you
I love you
I'm in love with you.
Do me a favor?
Lift the corners of your lips, for me.
Please?

Oh, a very lucky man, am I.
To be the one with which her heart resides.
A broken boy,
With fears to match the size of my feet, which are large.
I am a silver.
I thought no rhyme could be placed on me.
But she is my slant.
Oh, a very lucky man, am I.

Wesley, remember your place.

Today at work I dropped a glass
a quiet gasp
followed shortly by the shrill crash of glass on ceramic tile.
As I look at the mess I, myself, made
I saw myself.
Perhaps due to the fact I'm a hopeless romantic with the acute ability to personify everything I touch.
Perhaps because I know that I, too, am a mess.
As I stood swearing under my breath about the cost of the glass and the possibility of management's wrath.
The shards of glass thrown across the floor in a pool of melted ice, and what remained of some dark soda pulled song lyrics into my head

"Why can't a glass speak for its contents"

Because the glass is empty
The glass is simply a vessel.
Am I then a vessel as well?
I hope not.
I hope not.
I swept the glass
and the thoughts
Into a dust pan
And
Threw them away

Speaking Honestly, I just wanna sit in silence with you.

I never forgot a moment.
I settled comfortably into our love
I was happy by your side
I was ready to build a life
That ended with you as my wife
With a shack in Hawaii
With the possibility of kids
Where we spent the rest of our days
I still smiled until my cheeks ached
I still smile at our memories
I still love you.
I still want you.
I still have days where suicide is all I want.
But I fought it for us and to see what life had to offer.
I wish I had killed myself before we got to this.

It hasn't even been an hour
since I said goodbye to you.
I want to skate to your house
And do this all again in person.
I wonder if you'd let me
I wonder if it'd be different.
I wonder if you're thinking about me
I wonder.

I wish I could hate you
I honestly do
Then maybe I'd eat something
Or perhaps I'd feel something
I love you though
I wish I could stop
I wish I didn't stress myself out
Trying to be everything you want
I wish that I wasn't depressed
Maybe I would've been
I wish I could **** myself.
I wish I didn't have to remember your embrace.
I wish I could still have it.
It was never mine.
It's not like I was important enough to be given that.
I'm gonna start drinking again
I don't care
Let me waste away.
I don't want to hate you but I wish I could to help me mend

I hope you're happy.
I hope he makes you smile.
I hope when you have fun it's honest
I hope when you look back you forget I ever exsisted.
You aren't going to be able to stop me from juggling knives anymore.

I'm sorry, dad. I've failed yet again in making you proud. I've looked deep into the eyes of myself in the mirror and I've completely given up on life. I remember a time when I was younger when I didn't hide how I felt. I was a cry baby. Yet, here I am. Writing an apology for something I'll never be forgiven for.

To my siblings, I couldn't do it. I know youll all be able to succeed where I gave up. I love you all.

Mom, I will hate you into my grave.
-the experiment child.

Funny how I somehow can't prove I love you.
It's funny how even though I've been committed you can't even say I'm you're boyfriend.
It's funny how I'm not your boyfriend
It's funny how while I talk endlessly about you you can't tell me one time recently you do the same.
It's funny how while I'm ******* sobbing over how to prove I love you all you can say is I can't.
It's funny how even being alive isn't enough for you
It's funny how much I've started to hate myself because I can't do anything well enough.
It's funny right?

I'm gonna play a game
Drink and take whatever I can find
If I wake up **** it
If not.
Whatever

There's so much I want to say
But I don't feel like it would change anything if I did
What if I just ran away from life?
I'm struggling to stay away with self harm.
Only because I don't want to see your disappointed face.
****, I don't wanna do this anymore.

If I killed myself,
I wonder how long itd take
for them to notice.

As if a frozen waterfall
Words that should fall won't
I'm holding back
Biting my tongue
Because my words feel meaningless
Everyone makes me feel pointless
Everything leaves me empty
I want to scream
I want to bite the hand that feeds
I want to challenge authority
I want to feel something
Anything.
I'm tired of waking up.
I'm tired of seeing my reflection.
This field that I'm looking out over,
This field in the darkness of night
This field understands
It never asked the wind to rip away its seeds
I feel as if I'm giving you everything I can.
But it's never enough.
I'm an empty room
Nothing to offer
Nothing left
I'm the shell of who everyone loved.
I'm a shell.
No one loves who I am
They never will.
What the **** am I fighting for anyway?

Your words are careless
I feel like you could care no less
Is this really love?

Not a peep
Not a sound
I'm not worth a "hey"
Not worth a "hello"
Yeah, today was a test
You failed
I'd tell you otherwise,
However,
All I'd get if I tried
Is static.

It's not that I've stopped loving you.
It's not even that this is what I want.
It's more that I'm tired of being pulled up to the passenger seat, just to be sidelined.
It's not that I want this.
I really don't want to do this.
But maybe it's time you chased me.
Because I feel less and less like you love me.
I feel more like an object.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry I couldn't just be enough to sweep you off your feet and for things to work.
I'm sorry but I'm not going to keep breaking myself.  
I'll be your friend.
I'll still see you.
But my body will be my own.
And my lips will be making rapid retreats from yours until you know what you want.

Tonight is Friday
I'll spend it with my best friends
Pizza and *****.

I have a negative outlook on love
It's too much trouble to pursue
I'm trying so ******* hard
But I'm invisible
And you're intangible
I can hold you through every night
And you'll look through me
It doesn't matter what you try and say
This is how you've made me feel
This is how I see love now.
I'm so in love with you.
A love that's breaking me
A love that I want to work
A love I don't want to give up on.
Maybe if I give up on you
I'll be visible.
Maybe if I give up now
You'll want me.
But probably not
So I'll just keep loving you until it puts me at the edge of life and death
And walk away so broken giving up will be easy.
I wish you wanted me the way that I want you.
But in real life, wishes don't usually come true.

Somehow I'm losing my grip.
Somewhere along the lines I lost sight
Since I couldn't be a marine
My drive has died
I'm lying to everyone.
I'm lying through my smile
It's just that these stress related canker sores
under my tongue make it hard to talk.
I want to be alone
With you.
I want to cry with my head in your lap
But that desire is as misplaced
As my frustration
I feel so vacant
I am so hollow
that if you where to
drop a penny down my throat
It'd take months before you heard the echo.
I don't know what passion feels like
I forget what motivation tastes like
I no longer hear my determination
All I have left are these depressing poems
A handful of self doubt
And a pocket with a broken spirit.
I remember when the sunrise meant something.
I remember when the moons light filled me with joy.
Maybe it's just this week.
Maybe it's just a bad day.
I hope that this headache stops
before I snap my phone in half.
I hope I can avert my gaze from the simple solution of cigarette smoke
And a circular burn somewhere on my upper arm.
The devil on my shoulder
Killed my conscious Months ago
His corpse still dangles from my neck like branches on a willow tree.
God, someone **** me and make it look like suicide.
I don't have the guts to spill my own myself anymore.

I'm starting to dismiss
the thought of marriage
with the woman I love.
Not because my feelings are dying
But because I feel like the harder I try
The harder she'll push me away.
So I'll pretend not to care
I'll pretend I'm not hurt
Because I love her so much her happiness comes first.
This time, I'm putting myself on the back burner.

What's left to say?

I'm growing distant from myself
As if the simplistic notion of happiness
Is the ocean spread between emotions
And I am but a ship,
Adrift.
I'm surrounded on all sides
By water that I can not drink.
Why is it that smiling is so
So unbearably difficult?
I know how to force a smile
Why do I have no desire,
No ambition.
Why am I struggling so **** hard?
Is there really a light at the end?
Or did I think that into exsistance?
I'm a ship
And I'm not sinking,
I'm just adrift.
Adrift isn't what I want
My sails are lowered
So where in the blazes
Is the southern wind
to push my ship
And the corners of my mouth
North?

I wasn't born here
I refuse to die here
But Frederick
You are my home
From the allIes of downtown,
The winding roads of the mountains,
The constant buzz of route 40.
I hate this town
Where I finished high school
Where I learned what love is
Where I learned to drive
Learned to skate
Learned to forgive
From smoking **** till I couldn't stand
Or
Drinking until I was giddy
I've learned
I've grown
And in this town
I've found my home.

Queen sized beds are dumb
My queen isn't here tonight
So it's just a bed

In search of your warmth
This bed stretches forever
So much for my rest.

I know you're not really in love with me,
Or rather,
I know if you were ever in love with me you aren't now.
I'd bet my last breath you don't talk about me
the way that I go on about you
when I'm not with you
I keep asking myself
What you see in me
Because all I do is try to find a way to hold onto my happiness.
I already know what's coming
A "I need to be alone" spell.
And after tonight
After tonight I don't know what I want
Rachel, I want you to be happy
But I want to be happy too.
I say that I don't need a title to love you.
I mean that.
But I really hate how your love feels like half love.
I hate knowing that literally at any second without warning you could demote me from "lover" to "best friend"
I hate it.
I hate feeling like I have to constantly do something to keep your attention.
When I'm sitting there, in your bed, kissing you,
I'm having panic attacks
trying to figure out
how to kiss you better than last time.
That goes for everything we do.
You'll read this
and your simple solution
to hurting me will be to run away.
I just want you to say "I'm sorry."
I just want you to act like you do when we're alone.
I don't need a title,
What I need is for you to back the words "I love you" because I'm insecure and you pretend like you don't care.
So how can I believe that you love me when you ask me to tell your friends
you're single.
I hate myself for not being as strong as you seem to think I am.
I hope that when you read this
You just start treating me like you love me.
Because you're hurting me.
Not even as your lover
You're hurting me as your friend.

My heads a ****** up place
I spend time swimming against the current that is the whirlpool pulling me deeper into my depression
I try so hard to keep my head up but these days I feel like I'm holding the weight of the entire planet by a string with my teeth. The girl I'm in love with only loves me when it's convenient. I kept telling myself it wasn't like that until she humiliated me today. My job doesn't make me happy anymore and I can feel the last of the "post high school magic of life" slipping through my fingers as if to say, "remember you have to prepare for real life." Suicide seems more and more like an option. It seemed so far away yesterday when I was telling every person who would listen how in love I am. How in love I am. I hate breaking. I hate being reminded I'm only good enough behind closed doors. I hate everything. I paint with vibrant watercolors but I always paint in the rain. My life is bleak and bland. My only solace is this bottle and video games. **** everything. I'm bitter and sick of crying. But I know that I love you so much that I'll forgive you. I just wish you weren't so oblivious to the fact that your words, much like sticks and stones, break bones and hearts

I forgot you don't have a boyfriend.
I forgot that you can't have one.
I set up this delusional world
Where it's just us and we are an us
I'm gonna try and stop slipping
"I love you" into conversations as much.
Because all it'll take to rip you away is someone else.
Someone else.
Someone else
Why does your love hurt so much?
Why can't I be enough?
When I'm with you I always forget that,
at the end of the day,
I'm probably just a vacation stop.
I'm fun to visit.
I wish I hadn't heard you say
"I don't have a boyfriend"
I wonder...
Oh, how I wonder
if I'm supposed to feel this way.
My heart hurts
And
Crying is probably inevitable
But smoke your week
But sip your drink.
I'll sip mine
And into sleep I'll sink

My paranoia is my poison
"She doesn't love you."
It plays on repeat
I try to stop it,
I do.
My paranoia is my poison
Cluttering the tidy room that is my head
I know it's not true
I know that we're okay
My paranoia is my poison
It's unfair to her
It's unfair to me
That the lover that wasn't her scared me.
My paranoia is my poison
Like petals pulled from a rose
My head plays the back and forth
"She loves me not...
She loves me so"
that plagues the clichéd romantic comedies.
God, I hope I land on an even number
My parinoia is my poison.

Some of the wildest moments happen in rooms with Christmas lights as lamps.
I've been to some rad parties
I've chilled with the coolest of cats
Heard some of the most amazing music
Something about the dim lighting of Christmas lights
I suppose, puts me at ease

I don't know what to call this purgatory,
Because things are tense
But we aren't fighting.
If I push too hard to get to the bottom of things it'll be a fight.
But as of right now,
It's just empty awkwardness.

Here I sit,
Reminding myself what I am,
A friend.
Some days I forget that.
Some days I pretend it's not real
And some days
I find myself
in the space between sheets of paper.
One labeled "lover"
The other, "friend"
You treat me like a lover,
Until you remember that
I'm just another paranoid thought.
I'm not worth the trouble.
I don't know what you think.
All I want to know is what did I do wrong?
And what am I doing back at my place so early?
I'm still here for you
And
I'm really sorry I forgot my place