Just as oceans needs the moon
And darkness clings to the stars at night
The way the living need to breathe,

This is how I need her.

She is the best part of every single day.

She is softness
She is strength
She is power.

My heart and soul will always need her

You see…
You no longer rule over me

This peace I have found in your absence is mine to cherish and not yours to take
This peace is permanent, and I am NOT giving it up…

You may no longer harm me.

MY energy is my own again, not yours.
And it NEVER was

You never broke me.

I am healing.
I am taking my power back.
I am taking my life back.

And I will live MY life, free of YOU.

You see… In the chaos of life, I have found peace.

Peace that I will never surrender.

I will fight for this peace that I have attained,
And never allow it to be taken from me.

I found peace in your absence,
Sought solace within the silence.
And discovered my softness, despite your storms.

You didn’t like that.

You tried to ruin me.
You had no right to try and sabotage my peace after your exit from my life,

Which at the end of the day was your choice.

So against your best efforts,
Your chaos did not win against my peace.

I will continue to hold on to my peace.

You Re-entering my life was a curse

Your exit from my life was a gift

The silence and peace my life has held since your exit has been nothing but welcome.

I know now that you were a part of my story.

But one day, when I am old and grey,  reading from the pages of the story of my life,

You are the part of the story I will skip over.
Your chapter in my story just should not have been.

You see, my safety is no longer conditional

Coming home no longer feels as if I am walking on broken glass or standing on eggshells,
It feels as it should, peaceful, stable, secure.

I no longer need to tread carefully, waiting for the bomb that is your unjust rage to go off.
I no longer need to feel small, as if my self worth comes with conditions.

You may have left deep scars across my core, but just know this…
Those scars are being healed by the day, with each new experience of true safety.

I am healing my wounds so I can erase every sign and symptom of you from my life,
Soon, I shall be free from the plague that was the space and time you occupied in my life.

If you see this, know that I am safe, and living a life that I truly love.
A life free from the toxic waste that is you.

Everyone says that if they could go back in time and change something, they would…

I wouldn’t change a thing. The versions of me that have existed created who I am today from the battles they faced and won.

What I would do, I would sit down with each version of myself, during their dark times and tell them that it will all be okay. That they are allowed to simply exist and take up space. They are enough, no matter what. That one day, safety will come, and they will make it out.
I would tell them to always fight on and to never give up on themselves. To always protect the light of their soul, knowing that years down the road, that bright would be needed more than ever.

I would tell them to go easy on themselves.

I would tell them that I was so proud of them, for fighting on even when they wanted to give up.

I would hug them, and tell them they are doing okay, and that I am happy that they exist.

I grew into someone they needed by their side in the darkness they faced.
I grew into someone they would feel safe with.

You see, in a backwards, twisted way, you helped me… Because of you and others who had no business leeching my energy.

I now know and fully understand my true worth.
My worth is not dependent on always being strong.
Or  being what others need…

On always wearing a mask that shows that I am okay, even when I truly need to break.

I know my worth, and what I have to offer this world.
And you know what?


Yeah…
I exist.
I occupy and take up space.

And that is totally okay…

I am allowed to simply, be…

And through all of that, I am worthy of love just as my true self.
Not as an image of what is “required” from me.

But as just me.

Here it is and you heard it here first.

Moving forward in my life, no more ******* ego checks

I deserve to and am allowed to truly love who I am,
And that is something I am working *******.

Part of that is actually celebrating my victories, triumphs and my journey so far.
Which I will always do,

The times I sat in the darkness and others walked away,
I was forced to

I never gave up on myself.
I put in the work and overcame the dark.

So here is to celebrating every new victory as they happen.

No longer will I remain quiet, living in the shadows, my story unheard.

Hello, little ones,

This is written for all of the past versions of myself who were never allowed to heal.
Who were always just so scared, sometimes simply of life itself.

I know all of the horrors each of you had to fight through and survive,
And I am so sorry you ever had to fight that hard, sometimes to just exist.
I am sorry I was not there to shield and protect you then.

Just know this,

You are safe now.
Slow down, take a deep breath, and open your eyes.

You made it, you survived.
You made it to the good times.

You made it to the point where life is sometimes so overwhelmingly amazing, and all you can do is smile and laugh, no words needed.

You made it to a time where harm may never reach you again.

I am here now, I’ve got this.

Your story is still being written.

Tales of sadness and sorrow
Softness and love
Strength and growth

It has been an honour so far to read the words in the pages of your story,
And to witness your tale being written.

That said, your tale is far from over.

You still have a lot of life left to live.
Things to experience,
Places to visit.

So please,
Never give up on writing the pages of the story of your life.

Hello, beautiful, brave one.

I know, your spirit is weak and weary.
Your soul feels shattered and broken.
And your heart feels damaged beyond repair.

You try to hide it, but the cracks in your smile show truly how broken you feel deep inside.
Your once bright eyes are now tired and worn from the harsh battles you have faced.

Just know, you are allowed to rest.
You are allowed to lay down your burdens for a moment and just exist.

Curl up, hide away and rest.

Your soul needs it, I can tell.

You don't like me?
You have an issue with me?

Well guess what???
**** it up, your opinions don’t matter.


You don’t know me.
Where I’ve been.
What I’ve faced…

You have never read the pages in the chapters of my life…
So until you do,

Don’t you DARE judge me.

You don’t know me, so your opinion ain’t worth ****.

7 YEARS

Darkness
Pain
Suffering
Growth
Newfound strength
Heartbreak

Fighting on and rising above

Love
Joy
Softness
Strength
Peace
tranquility

Living my life, because I can.
Because 7 years ago, I chose life.

I don't do new year resolutions

This year.

I want to love myself a little more each day.
I want to learn to be soft and gentle on myself, the way I always tell others to be for themselves.

Sometimes, I want to simply exist.

Other times, I want to make life happen

This new year,
I want to change.
I want to grow.
I want to flourish.

I do not think the world is truly ready for my transformation,
But I am, so here we go.

I know

You TRIED to break me…

You were slick… Using the very vulnerabilities I had shared with you to claw your way in and make me feel safe, and once that happened, you took your ******* mask off and the real you came out, like I knew was there in the past. I should have ran far and fast right when that happened, but you had your claws dug in so deep, I could not flee.

You knew you were never good enough, so to keep me, you had to break me down and reduce me to nothing, stripping me of all my power.
You had full control and called all of the shots.

Your hope was that when you drained me of my use and decided to leave, taking everything with you, the destruction you caused would permanently shatter me…

Well let me tell you, I have done so much work to heal and build myself back up…
To make you just a little blip in the timeline of my life, instead of a massive disaster.

Looking back, I do not remember any of the good times, because they were few and far between, and most of them were followed by a one way fight, you screaming and me just taking it…

So maybe it was just to spite you, or to **** you off, but after you left, I kept living…

I can’t for one second say that I wish you well… Because that would be the ultimate lie.
I wish you the life you have, and all the karma that comes with it.

These next words are like honey and Lavender coming from my mouth,
I survived you.

Hey little buddy. Listen here,
I know you still exist…

Somewhere deep within my soul, in the very core of my being, you reside,
I feel you, deep down,
You feel Scared, Broken, so small and in SO much pain.
The scars of the past still burn so deep.

I know, you couldn’t defend/protect yourself back then.
And you bravely stood alone against an army of those who turned their backs on you.
All you could do was survive, using all the energy you possessed to simply make it through each new day that you faced.

Well, just know this.
You survived. You made it out of that time when you didn’t think you could.
You didn’t think you had the strength to make it out.

I wanted to say thank you, for staying so strong and for not giving up.
On yourself or your future.

So here I stand, at your side and at the ready,
To fight for and protect you.
To honour you, to fight for you and to heal you.

And eventually, to lay you to rest.
You have done well, little one. Now, lay down your burdens…
I will take it from here.

You know, I have spent way too much time trying to be enough for EVERYONE else around me.
Thinking that my worth was based on their opinions,
how they see me as a person.

But the truth is, that is all *******...


I just need to be good enough for my own self,
and at this point, I am.

I am worthy
I am enough

There will always be dark times along your journey.
The path you walk may crack and break, and you may stumble and fall.

Sometimes you may not want to get back up, but you always will, because you know that these dark times are not forever, and you will be walking in the light very soon, feeling the sun gracing your skin once more.

But until then, I will always be here to illuminate your journey.
My heart, soul and spirit will always be a beacon of light during your darkest moments.

I will always leave a light on to help you find your way home.

They say legends never die.

I believe,
Legends do die, they just never fade.

The memory of legends lives on forever and never fade away into oblivion.

Tales of their life are written in books, spoken of far and wide and shared at dinner tables all over the world.

One day, after I am long gone, my name will still live on as legend.

My tale, etched into the book of time.
Where they remain for eternity.

You see…
You saw your position in my life as some big thing. Like you were irreplaceable.
You made it seem like I needed you to survive, and that I’d be nothing without you,
When the truth is, you just occupied a few chapters in the book of my life.
A few sad, measly chapters, that you never deserved having your name written into their pages.

Now, there are some chapters of my life I wish to revisit and read again, but the chapters involving you, I wish to never revisit.
I wish to lock those away in the very depths of my being, where they will get lost.

Those dark chapters never should have been written… And I would erase them if I could.

I NEVER needed you.
Your exit from my life was the best possible thing to happen.

Now, I am focusing on the chapter currently being written, and the ones to come.

I do not know what words are to be written in the story of my life, but I am excited to write each new word, for I am in a better place and am finally with the one who treats me right, every single day.

To the chapter currently being written, and the chapters to come, I am ready for you.
I am ready to read your words, and to live your tale.

At the end of it all, all we are is lines drawn into the sands of time…
Lines, to be erased by the crashing waves and torrential winds.

Hear this,
When the last grain of sand falls from the hourglass that is my life,
My name will be permanently etched into the sands of time, never being erased or forgotten.

I will rattle the stars and shake the earth
I will not be forgotten
I will not be silenced.

I am not an angry person…

I do not like living in or ruminating in anger or hatred,
Swimming in that deep sea of vicious fire…
Drowning in those dark waters…

Anger feels like lava, coursing through my body.
Burning me alive, scorching me to my very core…

Though that does not show.

I look and act calm.
Level.
Still.

But my anger towards you, I can not contain.
My anger for the years you took from me.
Precious time I can never get back…

I can only make up for…
By choosing myself.

Anger will never succeed…
It has not changed me. It only hindered me.

Now,
I will live MY life, free of you
Free of your toxic light.
Far from your acidic soul.

I hope you know what you lost, when you walked away,
All those years ago.

For you, my anger within the flames still remains.

Living in the darkness.

For so long, the darkness was my safe place.
I called it home,
For I was able to simply rest within the darkness, I could just exist there, and didn’t have to worry about being strong or needed by anyone.
I could just… be… It was me and my thoughts, and I was all alone.

Besides the scarred, ugly, disfigured creatures that also dwelled within the darkness and called it home.
I made friends with all the creatures that dwelled within my darkness…

The large, mangled creature that was depression.
The random, scattered figure that was anxiety.
The horrifying entity that is the nightmares and visions that play deep within my mind at times.

Those creatures became my friend, I got to know them on a deeper level.

And for a while, they kept me safe. They kept me still and quiet during times I did not have the energy to move forward in life and with my growth.
They allowed me to rest and kept me secure from the unknown, which at the time was absolutely terrifying.

But now, I am in a different place.
I am mentally stronger than I have EVER been,
And I have been stepping back into the light and leaving my darkness behind.
And now, I am ready to venture into the unknown lands of my future.
I no not where I will go, the adventures I will take and the hardships I will endure,
But I am ready to find out.

So, to those creatures that I leave behind as I walk this new path into the light,
Thank you for keeping me safe, but you are no longer needed…
I have outgrown you, and will continue to grow into my best self, leaving you in the dust.

Remembering my old life, the life I lived before it all came crashing down,
I remember the plans I had and how hard I had worked to make sure the future that I saw before my eyes unfolded the way I wanted it too.

I remember how much it hurt when I saw it all crumbling down before my eyes.
How I had to mourn the loss of my old life.
How I now mourn for my old self...

I had to pick myself back up, gather up the broken pieces of my shattered heart and soul, and one by one, piece them back together with tape and glue and whatever I had nearby.

I have built myself back up and now I am finally looking forward in life.
I am ready to build up my new future.

The past is far behind me.
I won’t let it stop me from my new life and my new future.

As I light these candles to send lay to rest my old life, one by one, I watch the flames go out,
Sending off the old me.
Honouring him, for choosing life and for choosing to fight on.

Listen here, little buddy... You may rest now,
I've got this. I'll take it from here.

When I look at you, it’s like I’m looking through the viewpoint of a kaleidoscope…

All those random, scattered and sometimes broken pieces, coming together to form something breathtaking, majestic and beautiful.

That is how I see you. To me, you are the most beautiful thing my eyes have ever seen, shattered fragments and all.

And I love all of those pieces as well, because they come together to make you who you are.

Your heart, soul, essence and light have always remained so soft and elegant, so radiant and delicate.

I will always love every single piece of you, no matter what they look like.

I will always love you, my little kaleidoscope.

You know what???

I think you knew… You knew what you had.
You knew how good I was and what I deserved.

I think you felt it. Sensed it.
You knew I could do better…

But once the addiction of a having a loving man hit you,
You knew you couldn't lose me.
You needed me.

I became your safety, serenity and warmth in this cold, darkened world…

So….. you broke me. You broke me down every single day.
Making me think it was my fault.
Like I was not good enough for you…
You broke me down every day I stayed
Bit by painful bit, casting storm clouds above my head that hid my true worth,

And only when you FINALLY walked away, did I begin to see,
How much I truly deserve in this life.
How much damage you truly cast upon me.

But, as time went on, I healed.

As I shed the negative energy of you, I picked up my broken pieces and put myself back together...

And now??? I am getting what I crave...

So, you watch, as I finally get what I deserve,

And you are left in the dust…

Why do I make the choice, every single day, to keep on living???
To keep on fighting, every single storm I ever go through…
Fighting every single day, to make it to the next…

Well….


I have a story.
I have a voice.
And I will never be silent…

And my voice, my story,

Can change the lives of others.
I can give them hope, for victories in their battles.
I can be a light on their darkest days.
I can protect them from facing the battles that I have faced…

I lived today, so I could be a protector…
I can help change the script in the story of someone’s life…
I can help brighten the pages, soon to be written.

This, is why I fight…
This is why I live.

Healing is glorified

They make you think healing is sweet, soft, delicate.
They show the end result, when you finally open your eyes after a long rest, feeling better and ready for life…

But really, healing the hardest process to go through

You feel so much, you relive the past. You wonder about the future and what it holds.

Sometimes, it breaks you down to your knees.

Healing is messy. Healing is painful. Healing is hard

Healing can feel like you are fighting a war, some days losing that war.
And some days winning it.

But in the end, healing is worth it

When you wake up on the other side and the sun is shining on you and you feel more free than you ever have.

When the burdens of the past cease to exist and the weight of the world you once carried on your shoulders fades into oblivion.

Some day, that is what I wish for you, and for myself.
That we are free, unburdened, unchained, by the events of our past.

My life is like a book.

Each day, words - etched into the pages of the book of my life.

Words, moments. In this ever growing tale.

Years = chapters….

Each new year - The next chapter in the book.

The Last chapter, Love, Sadness, Heartbreak, …

… Hope, Strength, Resilience.

Victory.

As rough as the battle was, victory was still achieved.


Now… Get ready for the next great chapter,

In the book of MY life…

This is a letter to you….
You know who you are.

Three years… Three ******* years of my life…. That is what I gave you. That is what you stole from me. I’ll never get those three years back…
And honestly, you didnt deserve five ******* ******* seconds of my time…
I should not have wasted my time on you. You are simply not worth dirt…

When I saw your face at the market that day, I should have walked the other way… Not knowing you would give me three ******* years of abuse, Mental, physical AND emotional… And not to mention countless breakdowns, panic attacks and endless tears that you caused me even after you left

You leaving me ended up being the best thing you could have done… Because then, I allowed myself to heal, I allowed myself the grace of knowing it was not my fault.

You made me think that I was not good enough for you? HA… *****, you were not good enough for ME… At the end of the day, you lost possibly the most amazing man you could have had. So, jokes on you! Someone else will come along and know my worth. They will fight to keep me…
YOU never did.

Whatever it is you are doing with your pitiful life now, I hope karma finds and destroys you…

While he is running through your mind,
You are constantly on mine.

Travelling through my thoughts, stuck in my head.
And I can’t get you out, but secretly, I don’t want to…

Because that’s the only place I can still belong to you.
I can still be yours. And our future can still exist.

Deep in the chaos of my mind.

Hey, kid…
You are hurting. I can tell…

I can see it in the fact that your eyes do not sparkle as bright.
Your eyes are looking out at the world, but it feels like you are seeing in black and grey.
As if a foggy haze surrounds you.

I can hear it in your voice, that doesn’t sing to your passions to the world.
Your once boisterous, carefree and cheerful voice now sounds small, sorrowful and defeated.

I can tell by the way your head hangs low, the feeling of defeat looms over you.

I can tell, by the way that your heart feels like it has been crushed.
It feels like it is beating at half speed. It feels like it’s beating for nothing.

Well, you are allowed to hurt. You are allowed to feel. You are allowed to fall to your knees and fall apart.’
You are allowed to feel down and out, just allow yourself the grace and love you put out to those around you.
Be gentle on yourself. You are hurting. You are allowed to.

NUMB
I feel numb, hollow, cold… and I hate this feeling.
I don’t know who I am right now, I don’t feel like me.
I feel chills echoing through my core, a thick fog plaguing my mind.

LOST
I feel lost. I don’t know where I am, I don’t know what I am doing.
I feel like somewhere along the way, I fell off the map, and ended up in the middle of nowhere.
I am scared.
I am lost

FOUND
I am holding on to hope.
I will be found.
But not by anyone else.
I will find myself.

I love you, please stay.

I am as broken as they come, my shattered pieces scattered all over.

My mind tells me lies that I sometimes believe. I am not good enough, I am too much.
When my mind screams these lies at me, they are all I hear, and I begin to believe them.

Though I am still trying to piece myself back together, some days I may fail.

I won’t be strong. I will fall apart.

There will be days, I look to you for aid.

I love you, please stay.

On the days my broken parts show,

I need you, please don’t leave.

Hi, lovely.

As you lay your head down tonight and drift off to sleep, I hope for a few things for you.

I hope that your mind is calm, still and that your thoughts are light and fluffy.
I know the days aren't always easy on you, and that you fight your battles every day.
I hope you do not have to fight as you rest.

I hope that you sleep softly, dream sweetly and recharge, ready to face whatever comes your way.