Occasionally I find a release
A release from the messed up reality we live in
A release from trying, always trying, but never getting anywhere
A release from my own thoughts, and Demons that Have made my mind a home
A release from wondering if this day could be my last
Some days it's the pen and paper, to scribble all my thoughts down on
Others it's sitting in my car at 4 a.m. naming off reasons why I'm still needed here, if there aren't many.
And most nights, most nights end with you. Having you hold me while I realize you're the reason I'm here. You're my release from feeling worthless. Knowing that without you here, I would have listened to those thoughts coming across my mind saying I don't deserve to be here. To take just one more pill, or swerve just a little bit more.  
And every single night, no matter how hard the day was. I remind myself how thankful I am, that you are here to keep me. That I know, no matter how bad I think I am, you're not going anywhere.

It comes at night
as you lie in bed
Awake.
Every muscle is paralyzed
with fear
with terror
you can't move.

The darkness creeps across the ceiling
coming closer
hovering above you.
All you feel is fear
it encompasses every inch of you
takes your breath away.

You want to kick every muscle
scream out loud
thrash and fight.
But you cant
you cant move.

Awake
but dreaming.
You struggle to wake yourself up
to kick your legs until you can sit up
and stop the blackness from creeping over you.
But you cant
you cant move
cant cry out
cant wake up
cant make it stop.

It comes at night.
Sweet Dreams

I loved you, and I probably still do,
And for a while the feeling may remain...
But let my love no longer trouble you,
I do not wish to cause you any pain.
I loved you; and the hopelessness I knew,
The jealousy, the shyness - though in vain -
Made up a love so tender and so true
As may God grant you to be loved again.

I'm a hit and run victim
not your first, and not your last.
It started on my road, it started as a whim
I didn't see you coming, didn't see you pass.
In your little red car
you were smiling and waving.
So smoothly you slipped right past my radar
and underneath my skin, just to hear you saying-
Goodbye, sorry, I see my love just 'round the bend.
Forget me and don't look back.
It just started but now it has to end.
Don't worry, it's me, not something you lack.
There's no room for your baggage, think I have too much.
Don't choke on my fumes, don't get blinded by the dust.
Don't wanna hold your hand, don't wanna be your crutch.
It's time to be strong, you have to, you must.
You're a hit and run victim
not my first, and not my last.

hiding behind this hall of fame
tears are clouding
I bow in shame
never really made a name
never really played a game
always there
stuck forever
in this walk of pain

Rock bottom isn't a place but
A state of mind, and
Mental illnesses linger in
The nooks and crannies of your mind
Depression always present
Wreaking havoc on your days
Anxiety a crippling punishment
Filling this life with pain
Never sleeping, because the nightmares
Have grown to loud at night
Eyes open, stare at the ceiling
Unsure if you can continue the fight

MY EYES
REFUSED TO BLINK
AFRAID OF MISSING
YOU
MY FIRST LOOK
AFTER TWO DECADES
AND MORE
YOUR FACE EMBEDDED
IN MY HEART
CAME ALIVE
SWEETHEART
YOU WERE THERE
LIGHTING THE DOORWAY
I SAW NO ONE
BUT YOU
THE CROWDED AIRPORT
WENT MUTE
AN AUDIENCE
TO THE SWEET MUSIC
IN MY HEART
THAT CAME ALIVE
A DEAFENING
CRESCENDO
MY EYES RESTED
ON YOUR BEAUTY
EVERY BIT AS IT WAS
SO MANY YEARS AGO
I SAW YOU LOOK
A BRIEF GLANCE
SEEING BUT NOT SEEING ME,
I SAW YOU SHAKE HANDS;
HUG SOMEONE,
BID GOODBYE,
YOU HAD PEOPLE WAITING,
I  WAITED FOR THEM
TO GO AWAY,
LEAVE YOU TO ME
YOU WALKED
INTO MY ARMS
UNAWARE
OF PEOPLE
WATCHING
YOUR CHEEK
TOUCHED MINE
IGNITING
THE INFERNO
THAT HAD TURNED
ASHES AGAIN
INTO RAGING FLAMES
MY HUNGRY LIPS
HAD TO MAKE DO
WITH A TOUCH
OF YOUR FACE
I SHIVERED
AS THE WARMTH
IN YOUR SMILE
PACIFIED MY LEAPING
ANXIOUS HEART
MY EYES TURNED
HEAVENWARD
IN GRATITUDE
YOU ARE STILL MINE.

and this is different.
or not.
****.
you should push me,
grab me, bite me,
break me, pry me
open along the bed,
kiss me, stroke me,
hold me
together,
still. i keep expecting
something, as if the world
should have shattered,
i should have cried,
whether from complication,
fear or embarrassment, i am not sure.
yet this is normal, almost,
for i am still faintly left
with the rocking sensation
of your inhabitance of my body,
the beat of my heart in knowledge
of the act, the churn of my mind
in remembrance.
****.
you should push me,
grab me, bite me,
break me, pry me
open along the bed,
kiss me, stroke me,
hold me
together,
still.
for i do not feel to have lost
myself yet.