She asked the boy, "Why don't you like me so much?"
The boy, "You made yourself a personality."

I have dated a man for over 4 years
Last year we opened it up-only for me
I slept with women, men, both, did some threesomes
Had some fun
I met a Tony
I was infatuated immediately
The ***
The depression
The eyes
The shower
The jokes
The moments

And he is gone
A man I drunkenly texted wishing I could see
A man I drunkenly said I would leave my boyfriend of 4 years for
A man I snuggled and watched soul with
A man I knew saw other people
A man I was rooting for had finally found a girlfriend who cherished him and loved him and was monogamous for him
A man that stopped responding so I thought he had found a girlfriend
The man I found out a month later had overdosed
The man I had texted that entire month waiting for a response
Missing him
Needing him
Wanting him
To find he is gone
After all the signs he left
After all the blatant statements he said
After the suicide prevention training I have literally had
And I couldn’t even save the man I still want today

if I took so many pills would I finally fade away
if I ran would they find me
if I dropped, and cried, and let the watch as my final bits of dust flew away, would they see?
if I tied rocks to my feet and jumped would I be found,
if I tied this rope around my neck, and kicked the chair out from under me, would they feel the desperation in my last gasping breaths? will
I finally
be able to exhale?
if I cut all the way, vertical, would I feel the blood leak out of me?
would I feel as if I had found my freedom, once and for all?
if I dared to whisper a word, before I pulled the trigger,
what would I say?
shall I find out?
shall we?
if you opened your eyes what might you see?

How are you?
Great!
What’s wrong?
Oh nothing, I just really want to die sometimes. Lol!

Sometimes I wonder when are you enough?
When do you see yourself as “there”?
Do you ever feel as though you are done?
Do you ever love yourself as much as your mom loves you?
Or your dad?
Or friend?
Is it ever enough?
What I do?
Who I am?
How much I weigh?
How I look?

Is it ever enough
To be
To exist
To breathe
To be
Happy

After years of wishing I wasn’t here
After thinking I wouldn’t make it
I’m sitting in my car
Between my workout and the start of the work day
Sipping my iced coffee
And I have found peace
Content
In the questions unanswered
Looking forward to what has not been yet
And reminiscing on what was
Thankful for all that I have
With my hand out to you
I ask you to hold on
Because one day
We will both make it

And if I were to pass
They’d look.
And they’d find the searches for how to find a therapist
And they’d see the time I tried back at college
And maybe they’d see the decline my spring semester senior year
Maybe they’d see how I was dedicated a few months and then
Falling apart the next 6.
They’d look and they’d find the list in my notes
They’d look and remember in high school how I cried
And tried
And maybe I did throw my notebook away so I didn’t have to remember the pain.
Maybe they’d remember taking my knives.
Maybe they’d speak about the times I asked about being bipolar.
And they would blame themselves.
For the failure of my own heart
And mind.
They’d blame themselves for the poison in my brain.
If I passed I wouldn’t be able to fix the next hike.
I wouldn’t be able to feel the next High.
If I passed then I wouldn’t be able to save you
And that’s what I really want to do

They wonder why I think politics are life
And it’s because I see my brothers and me and them and everyone
Your socioeconomic status growing up makes drastic impacts on the opportunity in life you have
Dramatic changes in perception that you are not even aware of
I see how my brother sold drugs to be able to be on his own at 17
I see how thankful I was for my bf at the time to have a place to live
I see how thankful I am for the Army to pay for my school
I see the work and hours myself and coworkers put in
I see the privilege my sister has to use my moms new car as hers has broken down
I see the coworkers at Tops not prioritize education
Graduating high school is not an expectation
I see the privilege in my pocket and my own opportunity
I also see the ability for a friend to not worry about where she will live or how she will get a loan for school
How do people escape poverty if they don’t have anyone to co-sign a loan?
How do you get ownership?
And that ties into an entire discussion on systematic racism and current oppression as well.

I see my friend complain about pumping her own gas in her brand new Jeep her mom bought, and the gas her dad is paying for. I see another friend complain about having a (parent bought) Nissan instead of a Mercedes.

I see my friends and coworkers and siblings sell drugs to make more money because minimum wage jobs simply don’t give you enough. I see them sell, and use. Smoking **** turns into ******* and soon you have more.
I see them use to avoid anxiety and depression because it costs 90$ to see a therapist once a week.
I see my friend boast about how much she has loved therapy her entire life.
I fall in love with a boy who needed drugs to escape reality.
Depression can make you do silly things like get addicted to drugs that can be laced with fentanyl.
Poverty can make you do things like sell drugs, and use them to escape mental illnesses, because you can’t take off work to pay for or even miss for the therapy session you need.
Furthermore, therapy is not even a common recommendation.

It can make you do things like join a military that owns you.

It can make you do things like sell your body or pictures or videos.

It can make you work hard and “be proud of it” and then realize the capitalist pig society you live in.

This is not even direct poverty it is a lower income class that still has several opportunities.

The income gap is much more than just that it is a life gap, an opportunity gap, a smile and happiness gap.

It is quite literally the difference between a living and breathing and thriving Tony, and a dead one.

It is the difference between my brother eating one day or having a place to live the next.

It is the difference between my brothers having their mom alive or not.

And I know the rich or well off can be addicted to coke with therapy, and they have their own issues with family and they can be suicidal despite every comfort and opportunity.

There still lies the difference in every opportunity, the difference in air breathed and health standards, the difference in education and expectations.

The difference in life and choice.
In opportunity or fate.
The rate of work one must put in to get to where another starts is astounding.
And this is only mild in the US compared to other places.

Some would say I should not complain. But how many people will I see from similar backgrounds be addicted or die until something changes?
How many people will I see sit by and do nothing?

people say trust isn't something simply givin, that it's something earned just like with respect right?
then why would we simplly hand out trust and respect to thoose above us?
to the goverment? we put our entire life in their hands. our entire future. We put our entire country in the hands or a stranger and trust them to not mess it up. Why would we simply trust that that police officer isn't lying about what truly happend? And why do we simply hand out respect to our elders? is it because it is the right thing to do? but who made up what was wrong and right? who or what has that power? no one and nothing. Therefore everyone's right and wrong are totally different. we don't know what our elder's do when we arn't looking, do we? So why is it expected of us to hand out respect? Sure it's polite, but yet, who made up what is and/or isn't polite?



Many people will answer this with god. Simply give god the power thaat he made us all. If i were god, i do believe he would regret his actions of creating human's, why create something so disgusting? So he has things to ackknowledge the beuty of earth? While we are ruining it? I do believe if there is a god he would have commited suicide. There is no reason to be proud of us human's in my eyes. We do terribe unforgiveable things, things that ruin, tear apart, demolish other's life. IN just one day it all could come crumbling down. It all did. It has multiple times before. And it will inevitably happen again.

sometimes i trace over my scars with my eyes and my hands
the memories proclaim their ownership over i
i remember that i am the master who conquered and vanquished those demons
                   failing at an exponentially alternative universal rate i fall
the abyss swallows me up
the sunshine glitters over us
                                                                                            i glance up and see
                                                            i see him and i see what he sees in me
                                        and i remember
i am the master
                                       that vanquished
                                                                                            and conquered
her *demons.

The essence of your being is here to stay
as it infuses with my skin and heart and eyes and touch
my skin has been tattooed through your caress
and my heart has been mended by the way your eyes peer into my soul you fill me with love and make me whole

in retrospect i truly thought i knew what love was
but this was all a lie until i had met you
masochistic obsession is all i was familiar with
blinking the past away
i am aware of you and our future and our present
and how i will never let that get away

The intimacy I crave
My soul at peace with yours
My smile unafraid
My laugh free to fly around the room
My tears capable of swelling
My body able to breathe in and out, to sweat, to bloat, to become larger, to become smaller
My lips caressed often
You being you
With me

I look down and see fat
I look down and see wide hips and wide legs and jiggly things
I look up and see jiggly arms and jiggly this and jiggly that
And I look to the side and I see the phat ***
I go to the gym
I see the muscles underneath
I work them
I love them
I try for them
And I smile at them
And I take care of them
And I come home
And I see bloated big belly
I see legs that are not all muscle
I see flaw and flaw and flaw and flaw
I try to change the mindset
I try
I tried
I am trying

is it odd that  i care about everything you say?
is it normal to analyze every word, every smirk out of or on your face?
                          is
                             it
                                pathetic
                                       that i honestly can't stop fixating over you?
is it normal to care about what exactly isn't what he said and think?
                                                                                                                                                  is
                                                                                                                                           it
                                                                                                                          wrong
                                                                                        to feel emotions i despise creeping into my soul,
                                              creeping into what i stand for,
creeping into what i am now made of?
it is WRONG to become something you hate,
but then again
        what if what you hate is what you were truly all along?
              what if what you hate is what other's wish for,
                     what others think is what is just fine?
so is it right or wrong to simply show your feelings every moment of every second, to show him what you have become or to show him whaat you've been this whole time?
                       or....
are you simply a coward, complicating things into a poem for others to analyze?
writing things out to run away from what you honestly can't deal with anymore, can't take anymore?
                  or are you simply writing in the past?

is it sad tht alli wish is for your acceptance
                                                             is it sad that i wish for you to look my way, and smile
                                                                                                    is it sad that i hate myself for likeing you
is it sad that youtake my breath away
                                                           is it sad that you mak me want to cry  out in pain
                                                                                                    is it sad that i got jealous when i saw you holding her hand
is it sad that you are the cause of thoose scars
                                                           is it sad that you are irresistable
                                                                                                    is it sad that when you defend me it makes me want to scream and laugh and cry at the same time
is it sad that you make me me
is it sad you are you
is it sad you are the one i love?
is it sad you are the one that makes me try?
is it sad that you are the one i hate?
is it sad
at all
one
bit
is
it
stupid of me to
care
?
is it dumb of me
one
little
bit?
is
it
posssible
that
i
co
ul
d
like and love and hate and need you
all
at
the
s
a
m
e

T
I
M
E
??????

I want you to know, I tried.
because that's all I could handle.
I struggled.
and you laughed in my face.

I feel like I am in a cycle of failure over and over again.  
I feel overwhelmed.
I am feeling a lot of feelings I do not like or understand.
It is hard work living.

I feel it all slipping through my fingers
I can see the darkness creeping in
The highs and lows
I can feel my love for you hiding
Running away
To where she is safe
I can feel my heart
Closing
Trying to run
I can feel the gulp in the back of my throat
The feeling in my stomach
The tears on my cheeks
And I can see the road ahead
One that I continue to walk alone

And after a certain amount of time you think it's gone
Until you're driving and you take the sharp turn really fast in front of that car and chance crashing into someone head on
Until you realize you wanted that for a second
For a bit
For a little while longer
...
Until you realize while laying down that you still aren't good enough
Until you realize it's all still here
Until you realize maybe
I should do something about
It
Being
Here
Still.

Let me hold your hand,
And escort you to happiness.
Let me bring you to sunshine,
And I’ll hold your laughter safe with mine.

Allow me to look into your eyes,
And share my love for you.
Let me embrace your desire for more,
And fill it with fuel.
Allow your passion to engulf me in its flames,
So that I may melt into you-
So that my ashes may spread across the mountains,
And the river,
And the oceans.

Allow me to caress your insecurities,
And kiss your wounds.
I beg for your permission-
To feel at ease.
To run away and be chased,
To eat your food,
And feel your belly full,
At the same time,
You will feel beautiful.

Take my hand so,
That we may share our dreams.
Take my heart,
So that we may escape the nightmares.
Take my heart,
Is what I wrote.
But it belongs to no one-
Except for you and I.

My hand is your hand,
My heart is your heart,
And my dreams your dreams.
I will love me.
You will love you.    
And we will embrace the unknown- together.

Flap flap flap
She flew until she could fly no more
She fell until she landed, took hold of a branch
And this branch broke so she grabbed a hand
This hand let go
She grasped the walls and her fingers gave way
She landed
Stood up and stumbled away

Give yourself the value you see in everyone else for once
Love yourself the way you want to be loved
Praise yourself the way you praise your friend
Be proud the way you are of your little sister
Respect yourself the way you respect your God or Idol
Learn to Love Yourself the way you deserve it
You are not less than anyone else
You are everything

I spent my days in search of you
Mending broken hearts with a simple thread
Through the looking glass I saw her legs spread
Bending here and there for you
Until the ***** came unscrewed
And the nail was broken in two

So if you knew i wear spike jewerly,
if you only knew how obnoxious i really am,
if you only knew the mistakes ive made,
if you only knew half the people i hang out with,
if you only knew the scars i show'd you,
how would you think of me?
If you only knew my grades, sports, and all the activities ive done,
if you only knew the times i've stood up for thoose people labeld as friends,
if you only knew the smiles upon my face,
how would you think of me?
So when i enter your sight i beg of you, no that would be a lie i expect you to not label me, because for all you know, i could be just as good,
or just as bad,
or even worse,
or even better,
than you.

I would say my heart crumbled, broke just a little bit more when I saw you, heard what you screamed into my face, but I can't seem to find my heart.
Because the numbness has kind of won this time.
And the darkness, well it's like a best friend, holding my hand always there.
Just for me.
to fall into.
but this time,
I didn't get back up.
now, expecting this, I can only assume it is my way of finishing it off, before my body actually decomposes.
before they try to awaken my dead heart.
before I see their laughs tear through the raw throats of them all.
Before I hear, the screams for sanity.
before they realize what I had been asking for the whole time.
before they compare me, add me too,
that all to common statistic.

I will caress my soul
With loving words
And grace
I will give her my love
And kiss every inch
Whispering to her
“You are beautiful”
I will write it on the inside of her eyelids
“You are enough”
I will anchor it to her feet
“It is okay to stay”
I will hold her hand
And she takes a step
I will tell her she can trust
And love
And give
And
She will stay herself
She will be better
She can join a “we”

I will sing to her in the shower
And beg her to leave bed when she no longer can lay there
I will convince her to do yoga
And eat
And go for a run
I will chase the endorphins for her
I will take care of her
The way I would you
And I will kiss her goodnight
And tell her how proud I am
That she awoke

I hold your fingers in my hand,
And I feel the lack of love from yours.

I feel the insecurity in my brain,
The feeling of being loved is now a question,
Not a known factor.

The question I do not like,
I would rather know.
I think it would be worse to know however,
That someone did love you-
But the way they loved,
And how they showed you,
Were never enough.
They could never reach the depth you desire,
They could never satiate your hunger,
They could never connect to all of you.
They could never understand what made you, who you are.
No matter how much they wanted- or maybe their love was simply not great enough.
Maybe they failed themselves as well,
Maybe they felt inadequate and you were too much and they could never make you happy anyways.
Maybe
Maybe
Maybe
Is what I will write
Until I know
Either way
The maybe is the issue
In instead
Indeed it is
Is it my indecision
Or is it legitimate concern
A “normal” amount?
Is my desire for attention too much?
Is my *** drive too high?
Is my desire for emotional and intellectual connection unrealistic?
These questions are silly
If it were my sister or friend
Or anyone
I would have yelled to have them leave
But how do you leave when they caress parts of you that you did not know needed or wanted it?
Maybe these are the learning points that tik tok references
Ha
Ha
Ha
How do you leave when this is the beginning

He put the stars back into my sky
When i had forgotten the sky had stars
Out of nowhere
His foreign tongue replenished my  tired soul
And with a pop
It all went weary

when you are hit with that insult you fantasize about 24/7 i will try and laugh, and maybe a giggle escapes. With all my efforts of trying to escape, trying to hide how much damage you have enduced, how much of my soul you have just stolen from me, i will disasterly fail. And the pain will seep through my eyes. and i will once again fail to surprise myself. For all your insults havent made me stronger, oh all your insults have just stripped my confidence, away. Fo all your insults have done is make yourself a bigger ******, all your insults just let everyone see how unworthy of a life you really are. But that statement would be a lie. For all your insults have done is damage me to a lce no ne will be able to repair but me. nd when you wonder, mother, why i am the way i am. Please do not look at me for answer's look in the mirror and, then, i beg of you glance at society. Because when society has reached the point of utter disgustance that suicide is something you simply insult someone with is funny, when society reaches the point of utter dissapointment that so mny people feel the need to die to escape, you should not be blaming anyone. Society itself should be looking at what we have made of ourselves. society itself should be looking at how the bad parenting reflects so much. because it only takes one insult, to send so many people over the edge.

I put my earrings in
                                                                ­                        and walked away.
back to myself.
                                                         ­                                away from you.
and all the rest,
                          for eternity,
                                               blessed be the ones that got away,
for I am here.
                                                

                          now  and  for  the  rest  of  eternity

farewell,
                dearest lost autumn.

hello stranger, for I greet you with open arms.....

She told me to write you a letter
An idea I never thought of  
Because In my brain you are no longer there
Or that’s what I like to think
I don’t think I will ever understand why you were a dad to my brothers and not me
That is what I would think
I’ll never understand why you couldn’t fix yourself
I won’t understand how I could even want you to be better because I have my own dad
I have my dad that was there and chose to be there
So part of me hated myself for wanting something from you
I remember calling you dad once as a gift to you
But last time I saw you
I told you I loved you
And I hugged you
And I left
And cried
Because there is no love there
Why do I lie and be nice to you when you do not deserve anything from me
Why did I feel the need to put your comfort ahead of my own
Why as a grown women is this man who was never there making me cry
Making me cry when very few do
And maybe I have some more issues to deal with now
Because maybe when I saw you at a bar instead of my birthday party with all my friends in the car it was not okay
I thought you chose to not go to my birth but my mom chose to not have you there
And for good reason
I do not forgive you for making me wonder why I was not good enough to love properly when I was young
I do not forgive you for making the little version of me question herself
I do not forgive you for making me now dedicate time to you
For making it awkward between my brothers and I
I do not forgive you for making my mother struggle
I do not feel bad for you
Because you chose addiction over everything
Because you influenced my siblings
I do not forgive you for hurting them or me
But maybe I need to
So that I can be free of you for real
But that is a journey I do not know how to begin
Why I have a need to do so is unknown to me
I have had a dad my whole life
A step dad
But he is my dad
A last name we do not share
But he was the one at my chorus and band concerts
He taught me how to fix things
How to be strong
How to speak up and be comfortable
How to care for others
And how to say ******* to those that needed it
And how to work
And how to ask for help
And so much more
He is my dad
And you are nothing
So why when you ask to hang out on Father’s Day and you yell at me when I say no
It makes me cry
Why when a man has given me nothing
Makes fun of me
I allow him the power to impact my heart
To make me cry

I listened to a sermon on Easter
I am not religious
Nor do I believe a God exists
But he does.
So I’ll listen with respect
And eagerly await the next words with interest.
This one was on Life after the Letdown.
It hits home.
Life goes on after the worst moments,
The times you thought you wouldn’t make it.
All the times you tried to end it- life goes on.
Every single time you thought you couldn’t make it.
You did.
One way or another.
And the sermon stated, all the times you tried to **** yourself God wouldn’t let you. He was not done with you yet.
So the others? That make it? He’s just done with them?
I cannot accept that.
I do not understand the faith.
I cannot wrap my head around it.
I cannot pour my soul into it
My heart will not open for something so unreal to me.
I do not need a God to have a plan for me, A God to love and cherish me,
A God to somehow forgive me, for what sins?
A God to comfort me in the dark times-
A God to comfort me when I do not know.
It is simply a comfort the same way you lay in bed,
Or eat certain foods,
Or breathe in fresh air.
Or the same way your drink,
The same way you inject,
The same way you ignorantly believe whatever side of the aisle you are on.
It is all the same.
Everything and nothing.
And it doesn’t matter either way.
Because after every Letdown
Life will go on
With or without
God

Life is like a hike.
It can long and strenuous and difficult.
Or short, simple and sweet.
Maybe you looked up your route prior and planned it.
Maybe a friend told you to go down there.
Either way your footsteps took you where you wanted.
You may fall down, hit your *** and get right back up.
You may turn the wrong way and get lost.
And you may eventually find your way back to the path.
Or you find a path long forgotten, one many had passed on, but you know you can make it.
Sometimes there are 360 views the whole journey, and sometimes you get to the summit and it’s only fog, rain, and ugly clouds.
There are lots of people on the most popular trails.
Some nice,
Some random,
Some rude leaving trash here and there.
And you can either change it or leave it be.
And on the rugged mysterious trails, you will not find many fellow hikers.

My hike is long, rough, and difficult.
I have gotten lost, found old paths, made my own, and returned to my roots.  
There have been many visitors to my smile and laughter.
Few have been lucky enough to hear my story. But many have changed their course to a happier route alongside mine, somewhere in the distance they are there.

And I know that the summit is gorgeous. 360 views.
And when I fall on my ***, I get back up. Sometimes I may lay there and cry and scream but eventually the dirt becomes uncomfortable.
Eventually I must find a stream to wash in.

My hike is an overnight, backpacking trip. There are several summits. And several ups and downs. And if the way My life ends is on that hike, then at least I was smiling while out of breath and pushing on.

I miss you
Like the tide reaches for the shore
I miss you
Like the sunlight melts a falling snowflake
I miss you
Like the sound of rain on a porch
I miss you
Like the feeling of a hug needed after years without
I miss you
Like the tears that never flew down my cheeks
I miss you
Like the heart that beats a rhythm
I miss you
Like the thrill of an adventure
I miss you
Like the feeling of a job well done
I miss you
Like the acceptance of my reflection in the mirror
I miss you
Like the opportunity to shine
I miss you
Like the words of affirmation my heart desires
I miss you
Like all the chances I gave
I miss you
Like the hand held out waiting for a friend to find it
I miss you
Like the help I didn’t ask for
I miss you
Like the calm to my chaos
Do I miss you?

Lonely is a feeling I haven’t felt in a long time
A wave that rolls in slowly but so powerful
It is deep
And makes me fear for the future
If I am lonely now
How will I ever meet someone that accompanies my heart the way you did?
Will anyone be able to touch and see and feel me the way you could?
Will I feel connected and understood for the things I do not want to talk about?
Or will I feel this lonely for eternity

The depressing reality of having no friends can strike a chord from time to time.

you see,
i know im ****** up
you see i know im not perfect
you see i know im not you
you see i know im ruining myself
you see i know i need help
you see i know i cant do this
you see i know im sad too much.
you see i know you care
but i see that i can't be anything other than what i am because if i was something different, i would jump.
because what you dont see is that i like my views,
what you dont see,
is the real me, you assume im this other person,
what you don't see is what i hide because you dont deserve to see,
what you dont see is that i care to much what the world thinks of me,
you see that i dont care,
but what you dont see is what i need you to want,
because what i dont see is what you are hideing,
is who you really are,
because what i dont see,
will,
be,
the,
end,
for,
me.

The same way someone describes their grandmother passing
The same way they see her there
The same way there is a lack of presence
Soul
Whatever it is that makes her, her
Is the same way depression feels
Is the same thing I’ve seen in people alive
The same exact feeling The same way someone describes their grandmother passing
The same way they see her there
The same way their is a lack of presence
Soul
Whatever it is that makes her her
Is the same way depression feels
Is the same thing I’ve seen in the living
The same exact feeling
You watch them disappear

I want to be lost in the sea of people
And stick to the membranes inside your skull

I sit here in this empty bed
Thinking
I wanted attention and love and passion
I wanted to be loved, ******* it I wanted to feel
Loved
I am ever in search of
My formidable years full of love and strength yet it was all lost somewhere along the way
Where I was no longer taught to love myself but change myself for others expectations
Where I was shown to belittle myself for your satisfaction
I am ever in search of
Love

if I cried would you then care?
if I screamed and punched would you finally understand?
if I wrote it out for you, on a single white piece of paper, would you comprehend?
if I told you, would you want to run or flee?
if I told you my secrets would you flinch or take my hand in yours?
if I ran away would you, chase after me or laugh?
if I gave up would you then make me try?
if I told you I love you how would you react?
if I told you I'm drowning would you be my savior or would you look away?
if I told you I miss you with every nerve in my body would you smile or frown?
if I just stopped talking, and looked into your eyes, would you know what i'm whispering inside?

You tell me to be thin
You tell me to like a masculine boy that's strong and ****
You tell me to need to him
You tell me to cook and clean for him
You tell me to beseech him
You tell me to work out yet not to much
You tell me to be what he wants
The media, created by no one else but us,
Is you telling yourself to slowly **** yourself
Would you tell your little girl she isn't skinny enough? Would you tell 8 year old you that she's not smart or beautiful?
We sit and whine about needing to appease men, being unequal, not "pretty" enough or "skinny" enough
Yet we keep buying the magazines, watching the tv, feeding into the
Parasite known as the MEDIA
in order to change we must change our culture and our values
We must respect
Not only others but ourselves
Escape the hands reaching out to strangle you
Don't allow yourself to tie the noose around your neck
Defy the media
Define you

as I sit here in class, everyone in their little clusters talking about how cute the new boy is,
or how much they hate that one teacher,
or how much they don't want to do that awful homework,
everyone so absorbed in their "conversations" that they do not realize how you aren't the one of the loud speakers, so absorbed that no one realizes that your just sitting there,
not jumping up to join someone,
or jumping up to begin an aggressive debate over something unimportant,
so absorbed that they do not realize how this moment will never exist again,
so absorbed they don't notice that you went from center stage to  right in the background,
so absorbed that I realize that they don't realize that the things they are talking about aren't important,
that they won't matter in a few weeks,
that some people do this everyday,
just watch the others humiliate themselves through petty gossip,
just watching everyone engage in heated conversations,
but then again,
these petty talks may be what you need,
,maybe this is what it's suppose to be like you knowing it doesn't matter but, talking about it anyways,
no this could not be it,
but what then?
why did I realize today,
feel for the first time
what it's like to sit by yourself by your choice,
avoid groups of people because you simply don't care what their priorities are,
is this what it's like to be "mature"?
to realize that what is important today won't make a difference tomorrow?
because the thing Is,
what scares me the most,
is that some people wish to not sit by themselves,
they wish to  be in that petty conversation, lead it,
but you see being outside of that meaningless cycle,
has showed me what it's like to just be again
to just sit their knowing that tomorrow, you will sit here agin,
and the day after that,
and so on,
to know that your conversations will change someone,
will make someone laugh for the first time in a while,
will brighten someone's day,
because these are the things that I miss.
the things i wish i had learned,
in school,
to genially make something matter,
but maybe that's the point,
to be given the tools to make a change but o be GREAT enough to initiate the change by yourself.

i seek praise from you all.
i seek love from thy self.
i seek acceptance amoung society.
i seek to make you regret.
i seek to make you forget, i seek to make thy self forget,
i seek to not be you,
i seek to be all thy self can be.
i seek to simply be me.

the numbness well it invades my soul, as I sit here and gaze at my two friends laughing, and smiling, and being innocent.
ii feel it creeping under my skin,
clawing it's way back inside,
scavenging for any bits of pieces,
to chew up and throw away,
I can feel it, whispering that your not good enough to be that happy, that you will never be able to view a simple, laugh the same way again.
that the glimpses of happiness through others eyes, will torture you,
that you indeed are not alright,
that your memories will come back.
that this numbness will become you, yet again.
that hey this is better than that other feeling.
that other feeling.
I remember now.
oh yeah, the way it would embody my entire being,
the way I fought it,
the way I gave up to it,
to the blade,
to it's infinite promises.
that other feeling.
oh yeah, I remember now, you let it hurt you,
you let it get to you.
why does their comments matter, who gives a ****?
but what my voices keep saying is that well I do.

and then I realize, I would rather despise every breath, every glimpse, every blink, every heart beat, than be numb.
the numbness, doesn't even subside with a blade,
oh how I wish they could stay like that forever in that, pure, bliss, that nonchalant happiness
that moment in which their identities shine through....
the moment in which you, your breath is taken away, and no you do not want it back, but this time you simply do not want to escape their enchantment.