I have written him so many times.
and put it on this site.
or in that notebook.
I have thought and analyzed the "why?"
and came up with no justifiable conclusion.
you etched away my sanity,
stole my innocence,
and yet I still ponder you.
I still care.
no matter how many times I say I don't care, i'm actually thinking about it all day.
I actually let it bother me.
when I see you and her.
I am satisfied.
I am happy for her, that she found someone.
I am happy that it gives me a great reason to not let myself deliberately think about you.
but when I find myself hoping your around that corner,
anticipating it so much,
and then you aren't there...
the disappointment seizes my entire body,
wipes the smile right off my face.
and causes me to internally slap myself.
then when I see you in English,
and you tempt me,
on purpose,
to see if I will take your delicious bait,
I refuse,
I will not fall for you yet again,
I am done with your madness.
I will not let you know that i care for you still,
I will not give you that
satisfaction.
I promise, i do like another, and another.
they are just as perfect if not better.
yet my conscious is still hooked on you.
for some reason i wish i hadn't known.

The warmth I find in your arms gives me inner peace that is difficult to navigate alone.
The love in your eyes gives me inspiration no beautiful scenery can.
The acceptance that you wash over me is one I will never claim myself.
The grace of you is one I am forever grateful for.

I miss him
I miss his eyes and connection and smile and feeling of utter comfort
I don’t miss the sinking feeling of my heart
Or the worry or dread or fear  
It is difficult to share with someone
The feeling of wanting to die
To **** yourself
And have them understand
They don’t, they can’t if they haven’t wanted that.
And maybe that’s who I need to be with. Someone that cannot relate.
And I wonder if the connection was simply the month long infatuation with someone that finally understood me?
Or part of me.
And with only so long
And never saying goodbye
Never knowing what would happen
I feel guilt.
Because It has been a little over a year and I no longer cry on my way home from work
The grief is here but smaller
I no longer go on solo hikes and envision myself carrying him with me
A small part is with me but not all of him
It is finally at that point
And now I have found someone new to smile with
To hike with
To hold hands
Someone happy and healthy and who every time he speaks I like him more and more
Someone who may not understand that part of me
And that is okay
But I cannot feel completely free
I feel like I am betraying someone that was never mine
But he would want me to be with a partner
A partner that I can be free with

i wish to hand you this fragile little heart that's never been broken, maybe damaged but never broken.
i wish to hand you this letter with all my confessions upon it, and see if you care or rip it up.
i wish to tell you that your my drug,
that your laugh is oh so addicting,
i wish to tell you that when you laugh at one of my jokes,
it makes me fly away,
like no high ever reached,
like no victory ever experienced,
like no battle finally won after decades of death,
i wish to tell you that when i'm gone, the letter i wrote for you was the hardest,
i wish to tell you that when i look into your eyes,
i do not look away,
i search, search, for that thing you haven't found yet,
sitting right there in your eye is the thing you wish to find.
i wish to let you know that when you fail you do not need to prove anything,
i wish to tell you that i am here, right next to you,
just waiting for that smile.
i wish to tell you that I've found someone else.
i wish to tell you that he was merely a distraction,
for my heart will always belong to you,
even if i never had yours.
i wish to tell you that i'm not fine,
and that yes you were right,
and that yes you are true to your word,
and that you have already reached your goal,
you do not have to go any longer,
for you,
started it all yourself,
your own,
little,
competition with yourself,
and that yes you have already,
                                                                                       won.

I took a breath and I couldn't stop
And they kept coming
Over and over
And one more they came
Never ending and becoming all I could hear
The blood in my ears wrapping
My heart beating
Boom
Boom
Boom and my breath shatters
The cries fill the air and tears stain my cheeks
Because once more have I broken
Have I fallen down
This black hole grasping at my toes
But taking all of me every last strand
Until I'm someone else
That I still don't like
Because I can't look at myself
I may throw up
I can't breath
I can't go out and come back okay
And I can't talk to anyone
Because they're all wrapped up in their own little worlds
While they lean on me
Trying to stand on their own and falling
While I fall apart as I stand

My greatest fear is to be remembered for what people thought they "knew" of me.

This Christmas I have been alone
All by myself
In a new city
With no one near.
All my friends visiting their own family,
And my own 2000 miles away.
I am proud to have made it through the day, and year.
Even though all day I have missed you.
Wished you were here with me.
Even if I could only message you,
Even if I could only be happy you were with someone else.
Even if I just knew you were still breathing.
Would be better than this.
In my head I wonder if all the ache is worth it.
We did not date.
We were not together long.
And yet the moments we shared live infinitely in my mind,
On replay.
Maybe it is a “trauma bond” as I have googled.
Or maybe it is simply that my soul was comfortable with you.
You understood my depression and suicidal desires at the same time as loving me for being successful.
You did not shame me.
You did not make me try to explain why this and why that.
We basked in the shared understanding.
And maybe I was a fool to believe you.
To believe you would stay.
And maybe it was an accident.
It seems almost all my poems end in this now.
If you can even call them poems.

the struggle lies in looking at the reflection
whilst walking down the street wondering how large my mass appears
the struggle is in wanting nothing more than a sweet yet knowing that i will regret it later
in wanting to be happy with my image
and yet never finding such happiness
...
it lies in building others up
simultaneously unavaible to myself
dedication to fitness and activity and never seeing change
...
the struggle lies in finding validation for myself
in search of something that is just beyond my grasp
...
wishing i could only believe the words that i believe when i send them to others
if only once
i could find acceptance or peace within my reflection

Through one eye I see you
You're head is held high and eyes flashing with that dead glazed look
Through one eye I see your scars beneath your clothes and the dried tears upon your checks
And through one eye I see your regrets and the strength you have earned from them
The little girl watching believes you are a role model one to be followed, she plays the sports I play, she's on honor role, she's in all these clubs....
The class thinks she's joke in all the AP classes studying and still not being as good as they....
The mother looks and she sees her daughter growing into a young lady, finally blossoming intellectually, physically, and emotionally....
The father watches as his little girl fades away and a stranger is replaced one who will break his heart but mend it back together....
Brother notices her strange odd behaviors he is not around as much anymore, he realizes that the bond is fading....
I look at my reflection and see a 17 year old girl, trying her hardest to achieve in life and make a difference. I see a young women who is terrified of the real world but ready to take it head on. I see a women who knows what she wants, and what she deserves. I see a girl who has broken and cried so many times inside yet never breaks free. I see a million things, and still, not one of them, is good enough,
for Me.

if you need a point to live, why are you here?
does it really matter WHY im, here, can't you just accept my presence,
what if i don't want to make a 'difference'
what if im fine contributing to the ignorant, disgusting society we live in today
why must i need a reason to live, other than to enjoy it all
other than to simply laugh at it
every thing is pointless.
and that's why we all *care.

my preconceived notions are dismantled
and i am told i am nothing
i know the refection
i understand
i am found
i was not lost i do not need this search
i was prepared
i was well equipped for my future with
an arsenal of knowledge and
social skills
but

i was not prepared
to go from
social butterfly
embracing her shielding cloak
to a
skeleton
drowning in
solitude
and open air
...
i was not prepared
for infinite opportunity of friendship
and yet
not a single
one has been found
...

My eyes full with tears
The joy I feel
Reflects in my smile for days
I am so proud of you
For being brave enough to want to see another day
For being here with me
For facing the darkness and choosing to fight your way to see a glimmer of light
I am so proud of you for getting out of bed and coming to work and showing up and being able to sit here and laugh with me today
I am so proud of you for existing

that girl walks down the hallways owning the show,
that girl acts as if thoose voices in the background dont even phase her,
that girl walks on with a smile, laughing at thoose voices in the background encouraging them even,
that girl raises her hand in class and answers correctly, getting the answer right, with claps in her ears she still acts as if the things in the backgound don't matter,
that girl goes to all thoose clubs and participates more than anyone else,
that girl acts as if the daggers slung at her are simply something to laugh at, something to enjoy,
but when no one's looking that girl cares, that girl becomes exactly who she truly is.
when no ones looking the grl can be quiet without people wondering "what the **** happend to her?"
when no ones looking that girl becomes mellow and lets things sink in,
when that girls by herself she let's thoose daggers slice through her flesh leaving thoose awfully noticable scars,
when no ones looking that girl can become obnoxious with thoose who society judges the most, without getting crtisized,
when that girl is alone she can't help but wonder "what the **** happend to the world? i thought this was once a place to be proud of? once a place to have pride in?"

you asked me what have you learned?
I learned that next time I can't tell anyone that i won't be here tomorrow.
I learned that if I use wrist bands no one will ever know.
I learned that people do see scars on your thighs,
I learned that my "zoning out" can no longer occur.
I learned how to shove a fantastic smile on my face,
I learned how to add light to my eyes,
how to laugh and make you believe it.
I learned how to imitate.
I learned that I will end by myself.
that there will be no goodbye.
I learned that when I say I don't care im beginning to feel it.
because this numbness hasn't gone away in a while.
I learned that it won't go away without help.
And I learned that im not strong enough to ask for help.
So, it is shoved down my throat.
                                              while my smile is plastered upon my face.
I have yet to come up with the answer to your question.
the, WHY?
they plague my mind. But I cannot let this lie waver.
I had already attempted once.
just didn't succeed.
I have yet to find a moment where I don't regret waking up.

Maybe one day
You’ll be driving home
After a long, hard days of work
And you’ll be listening to a song you love
Vibing as they would say
And you’ll see a rainbow
And you’ll cry
Because here you are
Doing that thing
Making it
When you thought you never would

mock his pain
feel the wrath
the bullets shall rain down
upon your oh so ******* innocent heads

**** his mind
you will feel the aftermath
your loved ones will be those to regret your birth

release your pain on those weaker than you
look down on those in need of help
and you will fall to their immortal souls
they must make the pain you once felt seem like a happy day

drown the girl who once helped you while you were ablaze
and watch the revolt
that will surely come upon you

****** those who tried endlessly, you must reach some kind of punishment right?

you will reach some sort of regret due to your wretched actions correct?

how do you inflict this much pain and go on feeling happiness everyday?

where is the real justice?
that never actually occurred?
and without the name of justice would you have ever craved it?
revenge it inks itself into your façade of justice

and without your belief that one day this will all be for something, what is it that would come out of you?

the butterflies swarm her, in utter beauty
and her insides are just turning to black
again
the virus has returned
the butterflies begin to melt away
one wing falling off, there all to human like screams filling her ears,
then she notices blood plunging from there wing that was left,
and as she watches her mind scrambles and blinks there gone,
and she is there with the blade again
remembering there utter beauty
as she plucks away at her scarred skin

what is wrong with me? to think that i can talk to you?to think that i can say the things i say? For you know more than i, for i miss thoose who told me no. For talking to a 19 year old at the age of 14 is revolting, so what the hell caused me to want what is true revoltation?

I used to like the cadence of “the Army goes rolling along”…
Until I was in it
And on a Sunday morning we found out our friend had shot himself
Four days after getting home and redeploying early.
And on Monday, we had all of our meetings, we had every due out, and only a few out of place “how are you’s”?
And so I keep asking myself how this happened
How no one knew of any signs
How we could not save him
Of all of the future plans he had and the laughs that will never be shared
I sigh and I cry and I hug and my heart still aches
And I think of David and Tony and the people suicide and depression have already stolen from me
And of all the people I could not save
And now in an organization as large as the Army, how is there no change?
Of all the “Soldier first” and “golden triangle” phone calls and “MQ Leadership” how are we still here?
How is the reality I am living even happening?
There is a better way, one that I know we need, but one I have yet to find or create
So the story of the American soldier goes on,
While Iran attacks Israel and our guns are up, we will be “ready”
Despite an aching heart
And a broken person or key leader or two
Because you were never graced with even enough time to breathe
And you return to the same organization your friend hated
The same organization that drained, and exhausted, and took from your friend
And you think to yourself, what if he had loved it?
What if his battalion commander had uplifted him?
What if his leadership had fought for him?
What if the people receiving him in the rear actually took care of him?
But most of all what if we could have saved him?
And so with a rather lack of poetic flow,
I will carry him with me in life, like I do the others. I will keep trying. But a life of trying this hard is draining the sunlight from me, as so many people said to keep it.
So maybe we will come together, and find a solution. A better way to help our people. A way to keep us alive.
Or as they say, the army will keep rolling along.

Sand Castles
Learning the stories left behind,
all those long forgotten damsels in
distress.
the waves washed their misery
away
they stole it
tamed it

And in the middle of the fight you have to remember what it is you are hoping for.
You have to remember what all the pain you’re enduring now, will gift you with later.
You have to know it is worth it.
Because loving yourself is attainable.
It is a goal that all the pain in the world is worth.
Self respect is what will aid in the travels to self love.
And it will all be worth it.

I’d rather put on a fashion show for you
But if your heart does not mesh with mine
Then it does not deserve to see this smile
It does not deserve to feel this love
It does not begin to match the energy
It does not comfort my soul
The way it should
So I will savor her
I will protect her
Until there is someone worthy
Until someone fools me long enough
Until they turn out to be true
Until I’m me for me
Oh wait that is now
I am okay
I did not lose me
It was not long enough
I am okay
I am here
I am still here for me
And not for
You

She took a nap and chose to leave for a little bit
She smoked and smoked and drank until she was fuzzy
She kissed and kissed so her head wouldn't be so loud
She let him inside so she could feel
She use to cut over and over and feels the burn
She wishes to throw up over and over and over because for once my stomach will feel empty
Oh no the my slips out this she is me
I attempt to escape
And in turn the tears they fell when I drank
And now I kiss and laugh as intoxication becomes hallucination
One step further I let myself feel the ache and burn of my muscles I don't deserve ice or pain medicine
I cannot escape these tendencies to hurt myself to punish myself
And maybe this is why I'm fascinated with him
The senior in college who's not over his ex
My poison is allowing myself to be used by others
I cannot even use myself to my advantage
I cannot use my thoughts
My best
Is not good enough for me

some can say hope is beutiful maybe it is in times of when hope is your last reason for taking that last breath, or of not jumping off that bridge,
maybe it is in thoose circumstances,
but when you you hope for oh so long,
hope becomes nothing but you believeing in some pathetic idea,
and maybe when you tell someone this pathetic idea they say
" that's so normal though! how can you  hope for that?"
that's when you  know you arn't right anymore. That somethings wrong with you.
when relizing that hope for you is something the average person thinks is normal, something the avergae person feels every day.
expierences everyday.
when you relize hope, is truly some pathetic overused idea of your.
Your hope has turned into something disgusting,
when you hope for a true smile, one that you don't have to fake ,
a true laugh just once,
that is what hope does to some people. ey are at the end of their to short rope and they hope.
but you can only hope for so long.
and after you are done hoping what is left?
faking everyday for the rest of your life to fulfil someone elses idea's expectations for you?
inwhich at this point death becomes so exotic and wonderful.
and after you first think that thought, of death being the true answer,
you don't care anymore or you just start caring about EVERYTHING and every point off of a one hundred kills you,
when every inisult from him starts tearing at your flesh,
when evert thought of yours isn't "good" starts to ich ever so much more, when every glance that isn't a good one makes you feel o so ******.
death really does become your most faverable topic then, and people wonder why you are the way you are.
stop wondering and simply look at their ****** expressions,
simply listen to what they say,
simply try for them.

You got me smilen boy, the thought of you lifts my spirit and im excited,
you got me boy, im smilen when you arn't even present, and within the sight of you boy you got me blushing,
boy you got me to smile, after such a long time, it's actually a purely happy one, that has no tinged pain hideing behind my heart,
and i just can't stop cause this smile is not stoppen no matter how many people try to tear it off this beutiful face.
because boy i think you got me.

sometimes you get tired.
of waiting for happiness to sprout inside of you again, no matter how many "fun" things you go out and do.
of those comments drowning out the thoughts in your own head until you yet again, go numb inside.
sometimes you get tired of watching people talk about other people,
for no better reason but to, make them feel better about their miniscule, petty little egos,
of people being cowards,
of people thinking that hey this won't matter in 20 years.
of people thinking
that picking on someone everyday won't change their entire being,
their entire future,
life, happiness, love
of believing that its okay to be in agreement with the general opinion of our decaying society, just to be thought of as "cool".
of thinking mediocrity is something to be proud of.
hey sometimes you get tired.
of people.
of their lack of effort.
of their ignorance.
of their ****.
of people thinking it's okay to sit there and watch someone get beaten down by somebody who's really just as fragile on the inside.
sometimes you get tired.
of society's disregard for any kind of just act.
a moral code.
sometimes you get tired of it all.
sometimes you can't take it anymore.
and sometimes
you just get so **** tired of it **ALL

I'm breaking
Snapping
Crunching
Folding under the pressure
I'm done
I'm down
I just want to cry
And In some miracle I am
I breaking down slowly and surely
Only to be fine again in a few seconds
I'm fine
I promise
And I don't know what wrong with me
And I don't know why I can't just accept that I'm not perfect
And I don't know why
And I don't know
And I don't
And I
And
An
D
And I'm not okay

The peace within the night will never be found if you are always looking down.

I’ve fought this long
To stay here for you
I have done my best to
Continue
So that you had an older sister
To save you
To be there
To hold your hand
To hug you
And give you all the love you cannot give yourself

I’m still here because I know if I left
Others would leave too
And it would break my mom
And my brother would not recover

And I have stayed for you and you and you.  
Today
I can say I stayed for me too
But I am still here
With tears
Fighting and crawling
My way
To continue

And the longer I breathe
The weaker the passion becomes
The harder it is to take a step
The easier it is to imagine death

i see you smilen at me, but your eyes are pure anguish,
i see you looking down at the floor, wishing something i cant hear because you won't say it aloud,
i sneak a look at your face and it'spure cowardice,
i look you in the eyes and see smething that i know you can't handle by yourself,
i look your way and see you for you, not the person you portray,
because all i want is for you to take your guard down,
to take off that fake show,
to trust me with your true self,
to let me help,
because all i want is the real you.

the insignificance of your effort has significantly affected my insignificant self

Have you ever lost an intimate partner to a drug overdose?
A drug overdose that was most likely a suicide but is not known for sure?
How do you keep losing people when you are fighting so hard to stay yourself?

Looking through my old poems
It has hit me that following my break up of 4.5 years
I did not write a single sad poem about missing him
I did the breaking up
I guess for good reason
Because the poems about HIM are from years before the deed was done

teacher teacher, oh no what have you done as a college girl? What did you do to disgrace your families name? what regrets do you hold, if any? What mistakes did you make? is that man in the uniform as truly honorable as the uniform makes him look? Should I care for that man, respect him because of the tittle he carries, because of the tittle I was told he earned? Should  look up to that man in your little picture frame because he s gone, what things did he truly do or for that matter didn't do? oh my teacher teacher, I have so many questions but, it is not my place to ask but only, to ponder. For my teacher what will become of you, once you leave will my peers remember you for the way you taught, or for your picture frame, which would you want to be remembered for? oh my teacher teacher, I cannot help but wonder what will you move on to? Or wha did that man mean to you, what did he represent, obsessiveness, or smiles or even tears? oh teacher teacher, what secrets do you hold? oh my teacher teacher, why do you do what you do, do you regret this here occupation? oh my teacher teacher all I want is a glimpse of your brain for you are all to complexing than any boy I have yet to me, so dear me me my teacher teacher what is it you withhold , an ending or a chance? or fr that matter is is neither? of my dear teacher teacher, what is it you ponder?

dear noah,
      i do not understand you, nor do i comprehend you
i do not understand why you are smileing, nor do i understand why you are crying,
i do not understand what i have done to you,
i do not understand why you despise me so,
i do not understand why i seek your approval,
i do not understand what thoose things called words are coming out of your mouth, i do not understand why they cut me so deep with such venom?
is it because i cannot fix you?
is it because there may be nothing to fix and you simply truly are oh so very you?
i do not understand why you do not understand me,
is it because i do not let you see all of what i wanted you to know?
is it because i built that wall too high?
or do you understand and simply dont want to?
oh boy, you are my light that nearly suffocated itself within the dark,
you are my tears that are to strong, to cowardly to fall down my face,
you are my smile, that see's, hear's, no critisizeme,
you are the thing that makes me want to think,
want to care,
you are the thing inwhich i love.
you are what defines what i want, and because of that i will never have you.
because oh boy, it isn't because we are in two seperate worlds,
it isn't because we are so different,
it isn't because i cannot tell you what i have been screaming at you forever,
oh boy, could it be because you are what would give me happiness?
could it be because a single day without you drives me nuts?
could it be because we are both cowards, hiding behind smiles and yeah no problem's?
could it be because you cannot leave your sacred playground, while i create my own, while i make what i want, and do what i want in it?
could it be because you are still obeying thoose flimsy rules, because you want to obey thoose rules?
could it be because we both are trying to hard to live up to expectations?
could it be because we both are so **** close to what will **** us?
                                                                                                                                                 love,
                                                                                                                                          me.

It is not even half way through the year yet, and their words have already began to morph into knives.
the words come flying out so fast, it takes some time to realize, what just took place.
what was just taken.
his stares have already become dreaded.
and his face has already become loved.
yet his intentions are all just one big blur.
and his sentences, all for me, have become bullets, aimed for my heart,
just the spot to ****.
destroy.
end.
and yet his smile, all for me, has become thy sanctuary.

I tried to understand
When you asked me to let you in
I tried to open my heart
I opened my arms
I opened my past
I shared
And I do not feel the reciprocation
I feel my energy and output is much greater than yours
Maybe I fail to understand what it means for you to share something
I know you do not understand what it means when I share everything

the father.
who buys beer, over the needed milk,
the one who screams and yells of ******* hating life so much,
the father who talks and wishes of suicide,
the father who says he loves you but regrets having children in all,
the father who explains to the daughter that indeed, she will never be the favorite.
that she will never be good enough in either of their eyes,
that she is as good as ****.
The mother.
who is jealous of her daughter.
the one who, can't bare to look at her daughter.
the mother who screams, and threats, and pushes the daughter just down so much farther down.
into the suffocating water,
that drowns out her every wail for help.
the one who has no idea of the scars that bare her daughters body.
The mother who loves the others, oh so much more, the ones who have yet to finally disappoint her the way the daughter had.
the Brothers.
the sister.
all mixed up in pain, confusion, and love.
The family portrait is all smiles,
where everyone is in the pleading hands of suicide, the all to addicting poison of their choice, and all covering it up.
all in one house.
posing for the camera, and looking as if they are happy.
because that is what they were trained to do.

I wonder if you had to fight for your happiness the same way I do every day

you expect me to care what you do,what you say, what you think,
why?
because you are so use to being judged, because you are so use to being told that that's wrong, not right for you to say, for you to think that,
you expect me to me botherd by your threats,
why?
because you are so use to being scared yourself, because you are so use to not being you out of simple cowardicity, because you are so use to feeding off thoose of the weak you expect us to back down,
you  expect me to scream back in your face,
why?
because so many do that regularly, because you want me to sinnk to your level, because you simply want someone to relate to, someone to be in the same boat as you,
you expect me to rrun away,
why?
because you think you don't deserve what every human does, because you think that if you get help, that if i wanted to help, that you would let me down, because that is what you have been trained to do your entire life, let people down, because you have said no so many times wishing someone would say i know you want to say yes, because you yourself have ran away,
you expect me to stop, and look, and ask what's wrong?
why?
because you think you deserve help, because you think you are lower than i, because you think that i should simply pity you because you are the way you are, because you are in the circumstances you think you are in, because you assume i am a good person,
you expect me to do the right thing,to not betray you,
why?
because you have been cradeld, because you are so naieve, because you have been taught that people in my position ofpower are all good, are to be trusted, are to be romodels to look up to, because you simply want to be right,
you expect me to be loyal, to not lie, to want to be responsible,
why?
because that is what you have been taught is morally correct, because that is what you have been taught is what you must be to go far in life,
you think you are ugly, disgusting,
why?
because you have been told that you are ugly, because you have beentold that people who say you are oretty are lying, because you have been trained, forced, to believe that this is what' s beautiful, that this is whats ugly,
you expect people to care, people to be "good", people to betray you, you expect people to think your ugly, you expect people to say no, to say yes, you expect people to want to strive for better, you expect to be or not to be disapointed,
why?
because your brain was set that opne thing is ight one thing is worng, that you must reach standards to be "good" or to be "bad, because that is wat you have only ever known, because human's are human's. and we are our future death, and we are what will **** this earth, and we are what kills each other, and we are what makes each other happy, and whether we think we are good or bad, whether we need this or thtt it is ecause of society's standards, because of society's rules inwhich "must be obeyed" but what if the true fun part of life is breaking thoose rules, crushing thoose standards, an recreating something that isn't what we have known always.