stumbling through a rabbit hole, of never ending time,
the flashes ,
they attack her with an undeserved vengeance filled with an otherworldly hate,
they rip her wall of artificial sanity down within a simple grimace,
so she sits.
and stares
all feeling retreating to that special place called imagination.

all to many dimensions away,
she is laughing,
snorting,
her cheeks hurt so bad from laughing yet she cannot stop,
for that smile never leaves her face,
and the pure innocent happiness deep inside of her,
invades their souls,
she says hello,
she lives.
here in this place.

her plastic smile
quite convincing,
has lied,
to everyone, oh they were all convinced, HA!
what a bad girl she was,
that smile, the one he loved oh so much?
oh dearest naïve boy, It wasn't real
on the contrary my friend my good ole pal,
you were just a blind fool.
why of course with the rest of them.

the eyes, those burning eyes,
seem to never leave her thoughts,
always, thinking that maybe that look was meant for her,
was it to be special or something of the ordinary?
this, this, is where her embarrassment comes in,
where she cannot believe she let a boy,
the boys,
matter to her.

this is where she is that shadow in the corner of his eyes,
where she is his ember inside a forest fire,
where she is a drop of water in an ocean,
where she is the sunlight to his photosynthesis,
where she is his base.
she Is his.
and no longer her own.

why it wasn't real sweetheart.
just a façade you relished in.
just a lie you lived.
the places she hid, the realities she buried,
the truths she regretted,
the feelings she cut away,
the other hers,
the other lies and truths mixed,
efforts at her trying to find a reason, a way, a place to stay.
efforts of her finding the power to say
I am me
not at all an anonymous her.

hey
hey?
so why do you care?
about what?
anything at all.  no I mean everything, why do you continue breathing? why do you keep walking? why do you hold you head high while everything's, dark?
I don't that's the thing.
what? I don't understand.
I smile, because its an act of defiance,
I laugh because I wont let them think I care, I let them believe it so that I can not care,  i'm loud because they're comments don't compare to what I say in my mind. what about you? Your not so bad yourself.
I think about leaving and how everyone else will fail.

It’s years later
And I still crave it.
It’s a thousand smiles later,
A million victories ago,
And bunch of times overcome.
And I lay here craving it more than anything.
I need it, I want it, please.
Let me grasp the release I miss
Let me climb down
Let me see it
Let me feel it trickle down
Down my legs
Down my back
Let me feel it sting
Let me think of something other than this
Let me release
Please
Let me down

I can't stop wanting to apologize
I am not okay with me
There are "body hate" free zones
And safe spots
And tons of supports for bisexuals lesbians gays
There are so many supporters out there
So many people comfortable with who they are
But I cannot accept
Me.
And it hurts.
But if I cannot accept me why would I let you or anyone else try to
Help
Or savage
What is left
When I am not here or don't want to be
Because I don't want to think about what it is I am and how it makes
ME
Uncomfortable
The fact that your okay with it
Doesn't mean I am

I find my self uncontrollable again
I cannot stop this breathing
I cannot stop these tears
Until it all goes black
And I'm gone
Out of this body
Watching myself
As I fall apart
Wishing I had a friend
Wishing I could ask for help
Wishing I would let them see how bad I really get
Wishing I could go to my mother and just cry
Wishing I had someone
Because that's what I wanted
I wanted a friend.
A real friend.
Because this thing inside my head is not my friend
It has started to scare me
It is getting out of control
And it's bad again
It's here
It never left but it's been getting worse
And here I lay in bed 2 in the morning crying
Fuseing with my desires
A friend
A mother whom I didn't need to lie to
A dad whom i wished wasn't a *** head
Whom I wished wasn't a complete ******* idiot high school drop out
Whom I wished wasn't an *******
Whom I wish wasn't suicidal
Whom I wished I could accept for what he was and is a high school drop out trying his best
Because I am exactly like him.
Except Im in school with of course that honor role
Wishing I had never cut
Wishing I had never taken those pills
Wishing I didn't wish this **** because I learned from it all
But ****
Wishing i didn't hurt this much
Wishing I had a friend
Wishing I was good enough for myself
For the loves
For my father
For my dad
For my family
Because how could I love myself when my father never did?
How could I be enough when the failures cloud my all?
How could I have a friend when they don't even know me?
And it's here again its insisting
The realization keeps banging me
I don't want to be here
Go away
Hide
It's okay
Go away
I don't want to be here
This place isn't meant for me
Just slice once more vertical there you go
One more pill that's it
Now you can leave
And it hits again and again
That I'm so **** tired of fighting this
fly away
Go away

there is me and her
all in one
and she is angry, while I'm appeased
disgusted while I can't get enough of it
and she's there while I'm here and our arguments
they are never ending
infinite
because there is me and
her
all in one
she is cutting her thighs one after another more, more don't stop,
it doesn't hurt enough! your aren't ******* numb yet! pick the ******* scalpel up *****!
while I'm smiling, and laughing
she is intellectual, and remembers
while I blocked it all out
I no longer care to be "smart"
because hey
there is two all in one
and the game, it never ends
because she is there and I am here
prisoner to my keeper
always on my knees to please the master
because hey
its all in one
and no one really knows
that she is here and I am there
because hey we're all in
one

I let it back in. I let it creep into my soul.
no I let it unbury itself from the grapple it was under.
I let it walk out of the shadows and bowed down to it.
it referred to me as "autumn" and I couldn't respond, because the girl that was once here, was cut up into little pieces, and forgotten but myself.
I let her rot away, under the skeptical of other's all while she had that smile upon her face.
and now, here we are in the same body.
no place for her dearest to go.
HAHAHA she is trembling, afraid of herself,
and ****. have I ever been more proud, my greatest work of all?
sitting here, begging for me to leave.
honey, sweet pea, **** yourself.
because I am here and now and you aren't getting rid of me.
you should have done that 3 years ago.
you should have listened to the whispers.
instead of slowly fading away.

I want to be comfortable with being uncomfortable
I want to tie you down and lick **** bite every inch of your body
I want to let you see what I can be
I want to show you how I am not sweet
I want to reveal my very oh so opposite of sweet desires to you
But you won't let me
I want to feel **** with you
I want to show you what I am confident in what I know how to do and do it well
I am not submissive
I am dominate
And this here poses the dilemma
Of our different ****** preferences
Of how my boredom plagues me
You restrict me over and over
Yet you are sweet
With cuddles and kisses this is not what I desire! If I'm going to be
Submissive
Then cut me bite me **** me burn me tease me for hours
Do something.
Because this is not what I desire.

An actual connection with someone would be nice

I go to the mall with 5 other people.
We have an enjoyable time.
I feel okay the duration of the visit.
Until the end, and I am not asked to be in any of the photos.
Until I realize I am still not a friend,
When I realize I still have no friends.
When I realize I’m not good enough.
When we get into the car and all I can think of is wanting to go home.
And then I remember how depressed I am at home as well.
And then I remember how my one person is going through a hard time.
And then I remember that there are no friends at home either.
And I imagine the ways to die in China.
I imagine all the ways to **** myself and maybe the only option is walking to the bridge and jumping off.
And maybe my body would be lost and then my family would think I was missing.
Maybe I should leave a note, I think.
And I try to feel numb. I try so hard.
I make it to the room and I turn the fan on so no one knows I am crying. I shower so no one hears but ******* ******* it, it is so hard to not take the razor in the shower and cut myself.
And ******* ******* it i made it so long.
And ****.
I made it years and I still just want to die.
I still crave and crave and need to harm myself.
Until I don’t. Because I didn’t get this far to cut my legs up anymore.
Until I sit In my bed and ******* ball my eyes out while I write a poor excuse of words complied into a post on hello poetry.
Until I listen to all the people in the common room chatting and laughing and living.
And I remember all the famous and amazing and accomplished people who still committed suicide.
And I recall those who got help that never worked.
And I remember the days before when I thought I was finally getting better.
And I can’t imagine living a life where I will always imagine myself walking off of a bridge.

I am trying to gain discipline but it is proving difficult.
I would just like to lose 20 pounds and keep it off.
Maybe I would feel comfortable in my skin.
Maybe I would stop eating until my stomach hurt.
I enjoy running and working out.
I wish my knee would stop hurting.
I wish I had the discipline to eat healthy and stick to it. But if I cannot eat a perfect day what is the point in trying at all??

humanity is like a dish.

it can go through so much, but eventually it's color will fade.
you can reuse it, and wash it and it'll look brand new.
and if you press your knife to hard or slam it down on the table, it could chip.
and maybe you have super glue just lying around, so hey why not?
fix that old plate up.
and it can be put out for anyone,
anyone at al can use it,
and in a store when you decide hmmm should i buy, and take it home or what
you decide on the way it looks, whether it's the right color or size
and when you decide to get rid of it, you decide on how empty that superglue containers been getten
cause that plate was used oh so many times, it's color has faded
and it has more than just a couple chips.
so to the garbage it goes.
and so
you go back to the store to but a new plate, maybe a different color, this time, eh?

It feels like you don’t even care about me. Like you can’t take the 5 seconds out of your day to respond to me. Like you don’t value the amount of joy and connection my lips and eyes give you. And if you can’t appreciate the dedication and time I donate to you then I will not allow you to take advantage of my being. I will not allow you to use me and fulfill your ego. I do not expect the world from you but I also expect more than bare minimum. If you did not want a relationship then why would you do this and that and this and that and over and over and over again. Why would you buy me things for your home and ask me to be yours. I do not understand why you would ask to go on dates, to be exclusive, to take up so much of my time for you to say you do not want a relationship. For you to say you want to be friends. For you to not even call or text me.  Maybe it is the validation I seek or the closure or the unwavering need to feel in control. Maybe it is because I am the one who leaves so that I can avoid this. And all I want is for you to show up and say you’re sorry and explain. I can only hope to avoid tomorrow. I can only hope to not see you. I can only hope for so long. Before I think and know that if he cared he would’ve called by now. If he cared about me the way I care for him he would have done something. Maybe it is my fault for saying I do not want to keep doing the weird in between thing. But it is not my fault. It is not my responsibility to ensure he is there or here or with me. It is his responsibility to want me and to put effort into that. For this has shown me so much more than what a kiss ever could.

the commencement of the bloodbath shall begin shortly
the walls will be splattered with the liquid that ran through your veins and arteries
you will beg
and beg
as I slash your throat
and spill your innards over the floor of this "sanctuary"
while I, myself take a chance to smile at the art
that has oozed onto the wall and riddled the hallway with the reeking stench of glory
as the weak quiver
And I Bow

It is an interesting trickle,
The people that come in and our of your life.
Those you keep and those you throw away.
Those you lose touch with or those that flee.
Reminiscing on who you once were,  becoming who you dreamed of being.
What a thought it is to be in the process.
To dream, succeed, fail, and try again.
Drip, drop,
To remember your fear from years ago and to embrace your laughter of today.
What a trickle life is, flowing and flowing until you're a drop in the ocean once more.

The sound of a beating drum echoes in my mind.
Over and over it goes.
I find myself waiting upon each break, hoping to hear the sound; to remind me that it isn’t hiding and plotting.

And at the same time I feel the relief of a beat-I wish it was an ocean wave or the wind howling at the peak of a mountain or a stream running by or the sound of my sisters laughter.

and I could romanticize it and say that it changes if only you adjust your ears.
But it doesn’t.
It beats on and on and on.
Eventually you learn how to hear both.  

You learn how to remember the joy in sunlight.
You learn how to be grateful each night.
You learn how to take a deep breath, while you wished you weren’t breathing at all.

And you have to chose this every day. Every day you wake up.
You need to chose to remember the things you love. And know that one day you’ll enjoy them again.

You must remember that you are living for everyone who let the drum beat them down.

You are living for everyone who let the drum beat so loud they forgot the sound of happiness.
They couldn’t feel it.
They couldn’t find it.
As if the drummer was beating them instead.

And so I will hold it out to you- a hand.
A friend.
A pair of headphones.  
And the promise to partake in laugher with you once again.

I'm starting to learn that what you say or think truly does not matter.
what a relief.

And when it comes to an end
your tears will be for nothing
your scars will mean nothing
because this is
you are
you all are
nothing
as we all are aware of this fact
we strangle ourselves into the illusion of **** actually meaning something
we are aware
we hide behind these lies as if they aren't transparent
we are here
on and in
this nothingness
out to make it something
that will inevitably be nothing

I can speak to you
And tell you everything you want to hear
Because it is everything I need
I can make you cry
From the compliments and praise and comfort I give you
Because it is everything I cannot believe for myself
Because I know how it feels to tell yourself the opposite every day all day
Because I am here for you
The way I will always say I am there for myself
But the same way I will continue to fail being there

when your fantasy fails, and your dreams scatter into the black
foreboding emptiness
come to me
when your hopes are ripped form your ******* weak hands
and all you do is sit there wishing for some apathy that you will
never receive
when your mind is ***** repeatedly and ****** over one to many times
come to me
when she pulls your tongue out of your putrid mouth and slaps your wittle **** with it
come to me
when your on your knees begging, let them laugh in your face, let them spit upon you
for you are ******* nothing
your god has left you
nowhere to be found?
your mind it's being ****** again, sanity where'd you go? stop slutting around
HAHA!
oh the irony, my little ******* piggy
when you are nothing, when you sincerely cannot give two ***** anymore,
when you stop silently screaming for help, when you have given up on any kind of release,
come to me
when you have found pleasure in this game you play all by yourself in that endlessly open mind of yours
see me
when you are here but nowhere to be found
seek for me
when you still don't give two *****,
love me
when your dead,
fear me
when your gone, but immortally in ecstasy
hide from me
when your reality is all but "everything"
listen to me
like you always have
let me ******* one more time
sweetie
dearest
******* innocent pie
come to me
feed me
live with me
don't let go
you are here
forever in fantasy
ecstasy
your sanity, the games honey,
oh how we love them
fear me
speak to me
come to me

is fear what our society lives In today?
oh so many are afraid of not being accepted
afraid of what they will say next,
afraid of what threat they will fulfill,
is it wrong to surrender to fear, oh so many times?
no, no it is not.
because fear is a weapon the corrupt know how to use all to well.
no, no it is not.
because it isn't someone outright pushing into your face, it is only shoved down your throat with an invisible hand.
fear becomes an issue once it is construed with, cowardice.
because the strongest have their fears, but once you start letting fear pull you down and down and farther down,
you become it's *****.
because
is fear truly the greatest power of all?
is it what our society has let lead us?
is fear the thing that decides your actions?
do you let it dominate your every thought?
is fear really the thing in which our world lives in?
because you know that person, who will take any dare, even they feel the little hint of fear before they jump.
is fear what drives that voice in the back of you head?
is fear that force that makes your ignorant fool sling his comments at you so routinely?

I feel like he doesn't truly love me
And I feel like he loves her
I feel like I shouldn't be worried
And I feel like there is nothing to fear at all
For the feelies they truly are here
Evident within the light in his eyes and hers his is theirs
I am here and he is mine

She is there and I am here and who she is
Isn't she a thing? you aren't aware?
Dear how clever you appear to be
The sound resonating between your ears
How could you beg to differ that the truth isn't really the reality you have always feared?

her silence was mistaken for weakness
her words morphed into wisdom
but taken as something to brush off
one day she was loud, and the words just kept flowing and flowing and she backhanded that ******* for everything he had done
but then she couldn't stop her fist slammed into his face, crushing his beautiful exterior
because he had ruined hers
and she was bitter
wanted revenge
let her morals fall to the ground
because this one time she would stoop to their level
and later she knew she would regret it but ****
her fist pounding that face in and jaw
seeing the blood
made her wry in pleasure
and she loved it

Did you fall?
Did you leap?
Did you trip and crash and burn and cry and wail and scream and beg?
Did you hurt yourself?
Did you feel nothing and everything?
Did you make it?
Did you feel a release?
Did you resort to drugs or self harm or sports or straight As or work or peace or hiking or *** or fighting or did you flee?
Did you find the light?
Did you attempt to leave and was forced to come back?
Did you find a reason to stay?
Did you find God?
Did you find the oneness?
Did you find happiness?
Did you discover your identity?
Did you let someone give you a purpose?
Did you give yourself your own purpose?
Your purpose of nothingness?
Did you find a reason to keep breathing?
Did you help someone else find the joy again?
Did you?
Did you?
Did you?
Or didn’t you?

would you rather feel the sting of somebody not remembering you when they could not leave your mind even if you wanted them too?
or
forgooten, and glad that you were because of the awful tings youv'e done?
or
would you want to be recalled and here the dissapointment in their voice as to what they remember you as?
or
would you want to be recalled for the only good things you'vr done making your whole life, look like something out of an all to sweet fairytail?

My reality is that I am a failure
That I am never good enough my grade are not high enough my brain is not adequate for this world

My athletic ability is not good enough I lift I run I jog I practice over and over and yet I am still benched and middle of the pack

My abilities in the court room have granted me acces to plentiful rewards yet I am still not good enough for Albany

My friendship is solid I aid you in whatever way I can I am there for you I am always there yet you chose the drug and twin over me

My sister was good enough though she suffered from a similar thought process. And I failed to detect the lies she spewed. And I let my little sister to to **** herself because I was to busy with my life because I couldn't tell she lied. My sister is now scared physically and emotionally and I am yet again a failure. But she will be healthy and smile and laugh again whole hearted my some day


My father and mother to busy to really understand what Is going on. My parents I am aware have more important things to take care of yet my hatred and anger grow exponentially.

My thesis of apparent disappointment is near it's closing.


My hair the color has changed my body has become more toned my personality ever so bright under the sunshine of the class. But no no no I do not understand how can the sun shine when the horrors of her interpreted reality are a film repaying? Oh boy how shall she shine when the darkness invades again when she cannot avoid facts of todays news report?

She stands and waits and holds a breath and puts a foot infront of the other and slowly walks away from herself.

Sometimes it’s hard exploring a whole new world by yourself.
I want to know, why I am bad at making friends even though everyone loves me?

And I keep wondering
Will there ever be a day I am satisfied?

I look around and know some people do like me

I look around and I know some people don’t matter

I look around and all I feel is rejection

I look around and all I want is to be alone and to be laughing with everyone all at once

I look around and maybe I am too judgemental

I look around and think how basic and fake and materialistic these people are

Yet who is the one alone?

The lack of friendships is getting stale but the predicament is that everyone annoys me

So maybe the issue is not with anyone but myself

But what about quality over quantity?

What about finding a true friend?

Even back home my roomate has her own group and does not include me. My other friend has her own group who smokes *** and I cannot. My other friend has her own group and they are graduating and leaving. I have my boyfriend. Maybe that is why I have no group.

Have I ever had a group?

I had a best friend.
I had a small group but somehow always felt slightly outside.
No one is perfect and I lost my best friend.
My group I was never a solid part in is spread across the state.
My future is one where I will move frequently.
How will I survive if I once thought I was a social butterfly and am now a socially awkward loner that desires to be included? That desires to go to clubs and dance but also desires to have alone time? That desires to read for hours but also desires to explore the city endlessly? That is shy of people I will see everyday but can spark up a conversation with any stranger I see?
And all I wonder is what is wrong with me?

Pain does not derive from strangers, but from those you thought were friends.

i never thought i would hate college
what a disappointment it has been
what a pathetic excuse of a life
because i cannot conform to the mediocrity surrounding me
i am drowning in the hope of what great new person i could meet
and yet
although there are three i can eat a meal with
where are the ones with passion?
transferring will be my savior
hopefully

whispering in the wind is the voice of I love you
and howling back are the memories of love long forgotten

screeching in the night the demons light up the quite the sight
singing a perfect melody my soul has finally found a remedy

laughter in time with the beat
shivers down my spine
a twirl and drop
and a decade later
the years have flown by
sitting here
i hear
they say and they scream
they live and i watch


the slow decay of a living particle through the cosmos slowly
and yet delicately
melting away

I stared off into the distance
Always repeating
Never wanting to be the one retreating
I stared off into the distance
Always repenting
Never wanting to be the one sinning
I stared off into the distance
Always glowing
Never wanting to be the one dimming
I stared off into the distance
Always claiming
Wanting to be the one who determined the next distance

I never knew how much you meant to me until you were gone
Until you disappeared to hell or heaven
To be with your sister or not
To decompose and help a tree grow
To reincarnate and come back to me
To fill the void
To anywhere but somehwere with me
To anywhere but somewhere I can see
To anywhere but the place I need you to be,
Here with me

Well I tried
But trying and being a victor
Are not the same
Effort
Put forth is nothing when the end result is all but a fail
I am nothing
Hence my effort is nothing
Because I tried
And now
We are here
You are there
I am gone
Lost in my mind
Suffocating under the fallen debris
I tried
This is now
Nowhere to be found
Wait is done
Anticipation has ceased
Her breath no longer taken
No longer lost in her mind
But out there in the questionable abyss
Floating in the water
Washing up on shore for all to see
And I breathe
The last breath
For she is gone
I
Am
Gone

The time moves on
Cultivating the ground
Waiting for the grave to sprout
And  let the body descend
Anticipation crushing the youth
Judgement passing the eyes
Pulsing through the cells
Return
Repeat
Break
Advice flows
Ignorant retain flakes morphed into crystals of *******
Sniff sniff
Sweet says the elders
Continue
The wise portray the high as we all fall
Ignorant to the reality that is we are not here we are not a we it is nothing
This "we" is beneath the ground
Hidden among the lost souls
Buried in the clouds
Burning so cold
Feeling so bright
And leaving no light

In the glimpse of the morning sunrise, I have found peace.
In the wake of the birds orchestra, I have found solitude.
In the first sip or morning coffee with a pinch of hazelnut creamer or maybe more than a pinch,
I found a calm serenity.
During my morning drive I have discovered the beauty of the rolling hills that reek of the stench assosicated with a dairy farm community.
During my entrance to a city I have the sensation of belonging, this road has been slowed down by the constant speed in which we all desire to go, we all must go.
During the work I realize I am part of something larger.
Withdrawing from the city and heading for home I am reminiscent of the hum echoing in my head.
Withdrawing to my work out I am pleased get my daily dose of happiness.
Withdrawing to my family is where I am comfortable.
Heading to my love is where my heart soars.
In the shut of my eyes I am smelling the sea, I am hearing the ocean, I am seeing the sunlight, I am hearing the crunch of leaves, and the sounds of exploration pound inside, I am feeling his kisses on my forehead, I am feeling the love of my family, I am feeling the hope for a better future, I am determined to enanct change, I will not rest until I am me and you know it.

Someone asked me if I found what I had been looking for?
But how can I find it?
When I did and he left.
He disappeared,
He could not fight anymore.
And now he is gone,
So I’ve tried to be alive,
For me and him.
And every day,
I find something to be thankful for.
Because I did.
I found what I was looking for-
Or something close.
I tasted him.
I loved him.
I loved him.
I loved him inside of me.
I loved him looking at me.
I loved him exposing me.
And seeing me,
The depression and all.
And I failed to see his Dire need.
His dire need to be seen,
And now he is gone.
So if I don’t even find what I’m looking for again,
I guess it’s my fault for not saving the one that actually saw me.

Because who else will even hear all of me?
Who else will know or realize?
Who else will see all the sides that exist? And understand them all?
So it’s just me,
And “you”-
Now.
…

I decided I would carry you with me
I chose to live for the both of us
Because you could not be here

I breathed the air
I smiled in the light of the sun
I felt the ocean water on my skin
And the sand beneath my feet
For you and I
We could share this moment of happiness
Because I would feel it for more than one
Because when I thought “wow I could come back here to **** myself, it’s the perfect location”
The thought directly after was that I could not because I had to enjoy it for the both of us
Because you gave in
And I’m left here

To wonder through the lava
Waiting for you to flow back to me
For my energy to heal
To replenish
To find equilibrium

Waiting and living
Breathe I remind myself
Smiling and laughing
For those that did not make it

When does the pain end?
I don't want it to end cause then I get happy but then I sink down again,
and it's like why are you teasing me happiness?
but if you want to be happy just be happy. Stop thinking and be happy skip, laugh, smile for ***** sake, really smile.
but I can't.
you can.
your just scared to.
so? your allowed to be scared.
Not of things like that be afraid of spiders or something.
I can't.

You can only distract yourself so many times
before it catches up with you