Here I lay
With an itch to write
And fear of what I'd say

It was painful
i will admit…
feeling so cold
so raw
like a carcass in a meat locker

Desperately craving his warmth,
but finding a chilly resistance instead
I shrunk back -
unsure...

Feeling terribly alone there…
in the dark,
listening,
listening,
to the deafening silence...

With a breath it all went away

How am I supposed to start a new year without you

I find my self uncontrollable again
I cannot stop this breathing
I cannot stop these tears
Until it all goes black
And I'm gone
Out of this body
Watching myself
As I fall apart
Wishing I had a friend
Wishing I could ask for help
Wishing I would let them see how bad I really get
Wishing I could go to my mother and just cry
Wishing I had someone
Because that's what I wanted
I wanted a friend.
A real friend.
Because this thing inside my head is not my friend
It has started to scare me
It is getting out of control
And it's bad again
It's here
It never left but it's been getting worse
And here I lay in bed 2 in the morning crying
Fuseing with my desires
A friend
A mother whom I didn't need to lie to
A dad whom i wished wasn't a *** head
Whom I wished wasn't a complete ******* idiot high school drop out
Whom I wished wasn't an *******
Whom I wish wasn't suicidal
Whom I wished I could accept for what he was and is a high school drop out trying his best
Because I am exactly like him.
Except Im in school with of course that honor role
Wishing I had never cut
Wishing I had never taken those pills
Wishing I didn't wish this **** because I learned from it all
But ****
Wishing i didn't hurt this much
Wishing I had a friend
Wishing I was good enough for myself
For the loves
For my father
For my dad
For my family
Because how could I love myself when my father never did?
How could I be enough when the failures cloud my all?
How could I have a friend when they don't even know me?
And it's here again its insisting
The realization keeps banging me
I don't want to be here
Go away
Hide
It's okay
Go away
I don't want to be here
This place isn't meant for me
Just slice once more vertical there you go
One more pill that's it
Now you can leave
And it hits again and again
That I'm so **** tired of fighting this
fly away
Go away

What if I get tired of letting him break little pieces of me?